Jack Staik wrote:
DISCLAIMER: I ain't even gonna bother.
Well, good for you.
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Ranma 1/2: A Village, Ten Years Later
By Jack Staik
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Ukyo Kuonji looked over the vegetables in the market stall,
checking each assortment for quality. After all, if one
seeks to create the world's best okonomiyaki, one should
start with the best ingredients. That's why she had come to
this isolated village in the mountains, to find a source of
still-better vegetables and spices and herbs.
Not bad of an opening, but I'd think it would be really great if we
could hear her say, "Hmm...nah...too ripe..." or hear her thinking about
her customers. Pull us into the story, not just tag us along for the
ride!
A bump caused her to spill her basket.
"Oh, I'm sorry -" she and the other one said at once.
Can we at lease see what the "other one" looks like?
"It's all right," Ukyo said, "No harm done - RANMA!!"
"Yes?" Ranma said, looking at her. Then, recognition entered
his eyes. "UCCHAN!!"
The two old friends hugged each other. "It's so good to see
you It's been so long -" they babbled at each other, then
giggled.
And then the spatulas start flying...
"Good gods, Ucchan! I never expected to see you here! What
are you doing here, anyways!"
Ukyo smiled proudly. "I'm getting ingredients for an
okonomiyaki."
"Just one?" he asked, smiling.
"It *is* for the Crown Prince. He requested it."
Ranma's eyes widened. "Cooking for the Imperial Household?
My old buddy's become too good to associate with me!"
Ukyo giggled and blushed. "And what are you doing here? This
village is kind of out of the way, y'know."
Ranma: Well, I met this galgin named Dharma and she wanted to join this
interesting village...
"That's why I settled down here," he answered. "And I'm the
village constable."
"Still the hero, Ranchan?"
"Always," he said with gruff humor. "Not that I want it, but
it seems to get dropped on me with monotonous regularity."
"Monotonous excitement?"
The old friends laughed.
How exciting. Spice it up!
"So - how's Akane doing?" Ukyo asked.
"Akane?" Ranma asked in return, puzzled. "I haven't seen
Akane since I left Nerima - about ten years or so."
"What?" Ukyo said. "She disappeared the same time you did.
Everyone assumed that the two of you ended up together."
"Everyone but us," he said, cheerfully. "I don't know where
she is. I assumed she stayed in Nerima."
Ukyo looked shy for a second. "Well, did you ever get a
girlfriend or married or anything? Just curious."
Ranma laughed. "I'm not as dense as I used to be, Ucchan!
Yes, I have a wife. And she's in her third trimester, so
don't flirt with me too outrageously - she gets jealous
easily, and I want her calm right now."
Ukyo: So, I guess the pink poodle see-through dress is out...
Ukyo was somewhat disappointed that Ranma was attached, but
her *was* her oldest friend. "I'm happy for you, Ranchan.
Your first child?"
"Seventh, actually."
"SEVENTH??"
Ranma: And at least three of 'em I've carried myself.
Some men nearby laughed. "That's Saotome! The Breeding
Machine!"
"Seven kids in six years! Never lets the poor woman rest!"
"He's just gonna keep breeding until his offspring overrun
the country by sheer numbers!"
(Insert the Sanford and Sons theme song here.)
Seriously through, you could run in a danger of misquoting. Some idiot
might assume that Ukyou said, "Seven kids in six years!..."
"Knock it off, ya bums!" Ranma answered good-naturedly.
"You seem to fit in here," Ukyo said.
She's gotta be grinning through all of this...at least I'd like to think
so. Break up the quotes with some visuals expression cues. For example,
I would have said it this way...
"You seem to fit in here," Ukyo said smiling in a sly, tomboyish grin
that Ranma knew all too well.
"Yeah," he said, "This is home, now."
Or here...
"Yeah," he said, pausing before quietly adding, "This is home, now."
A few minutes later, the two of them were sitting in a
nearby cafe, enjoying a cup of tea.
"Ranchan, you don't mind if I ... tell your mom where you
are? I think she'd like to hear about you."
"Sure. No problem. I don't think those loons that used to
chase me around would care anyhow, after all this time." He
looked apprehensive. "Or would they?"
"Well," Ukyo said, thinking. "Kuno might - if he gets off
his medication. Otherwise, he's just too nice."
Well, if they haven't found him by now...it's a pretty good bet they're
not interested...
"That's good - I won't miss the Blue Thunder. What about
Kodachi?"
"She'll try to convert you to her faith."
"What faith is that?"
"I haven't checked recently - it changes regularly."
Ranma had a good laugh over that.
"You hear anything from Shampoo?" Ranma asked.
Ukyo shook her head. "Just what I hear in the news. We kept
in touch during her days in the Cabal - I was part of the
organization that funnelled money and weapons into China -
but after the Third Revolution, she became too busy to keep
in touch."
Ukyo: And Mousse was the main course at the victory banquet, but I
digress...
"Yeah, running a country probably keeps you busy," Ranma
agreed. "What about you, Ucchan? What are you doing with
yourself?"
"Well, let's see - three restaurants and an Okonomiyaki
Martial Arts Dojo, my Royal Command Performance -"
Ranma: Wow, you're just as famous as Monica Lewinksy!
"Braggart," Ranma said, smiling.
Ukyo stuck her tongue out and went on, " - one failed
marriage - "
That's more like it! I'd wish you'd do some more of this eariler in the
piece!
"Sorry."
"Don't be - I got a great daughter out of it, so it wasn't a
total loss. Besides, what Tsubasa lacked as a husband, he
more than makes up for as a friend and father to Amiko."
"Tsubasa?!?" he laughed.
"Long and unbelievable story."
"You forget who you're talking to."
Ranma: A cook who's also an intern for the Crown Prince and a martial
arts expert who also sells illegal arms to resistance groups all around
the world?
* * * * * * * * * *
The two old friends chatted for a couple of hours; Ukyo
about her restaurants and dojo and daughter, Ranma about his
wife and children and his life as the law enforcer of the
small village.
They also talked about old friends; Ryoga and Akari, who had
married, divorced, re-married, divorced again, and were
about to marry a third time; Kasumi and her husband, who ran
a day-care center; Ranma's parents, and the younger brother
that Ranma hadn't known he had; Nabiki, who had become
wealthy, had a nervous breakdown and became homeless, and
had rebuilt her life and become a schoolteacher.
Nabiki as a schoolteacher? Nah...
After a long talk, the shadows lengthening unnoticed, Ranma
suddenly glanced up. "She's coming," he said.
"the shadows lengthening unoticed?" That made no sense whateverso
ever...
"Who?"
"Mariko - my wife. I can feel her."
Ukyo was impressed by Ranma's sharpened senses. "Well, I'll
go then -"
"Don't you dare!" he said. "I want my best girl to meet my
best friend."
Ukyo smiled
"Here they are! Miko-chan! Sakura!" he called to the very
pregnant woman and her kimono-clad friend.
Ukyo couldn't help but stare. This woman was - to be polite
- not what she expected. She was *homely*!! Her nose was
*huge*, her skin was blotchy, her face was square, and even
taking the pregnancy into account, she had virtually no
figure.
And wearing jeans and a flannel shirt didn't help her
appearance. If it weren't for the pregnancy, Ukyo would be
hard-put to say whether or not she was a woman.
Ack...don't make her TOO ugly...I mean it wouldn't be canonical without
having *some* grace...
And again, you don't describe what Sakura looks like...if she's suppose
to be someone she isn't (and I think we all know who), then I'd think
you could do it without giving it totally away.
Needless to say, I'm pretty sure they both met at a bar really drunk...
"Hiya, otemba-chan," he said sweetly, kissing her with
gentle affection.
"Hi yourself, you violent thug," she replied. Then she
looked at her husband's friend. "Well, I go shopping with
Sakura-chan, and you run off on a date with some strange
woman."
"Ha-ha," he replied. "Honey, this is Ukyo Kuonji, my oldest
friend in the world."
Mariko's eyes got wide. "*You're* Ucchan?!? This is a
pleasure. I'm honored to meet you." She tried to bow, and
Ranma steadied her and guided her to a chair.
Got wide? I'd prefer to say her eyes widen in amazement, or say she
looked astonished.
"Careful, honey," he admonished.
"Yes, please be careful, Mariko-san," the kimono-clad woman
told her. "You never take care of yourself when you're
expecting."
"Ranma, you're a worry-wort. And Sakura, you're his
emergency backup worry-wort."
Sakura smiled at Mariko's gentle humor - and something
clicked in Ukyo's mind.
Ukyo (thinking): Damn it, I *knew* I should have checked that safety on
my spatula gun...
"Well, Sakura," she said, "you're a friend of the Saotomes?"
"I've served the Saotomes for six years," she said proudly.
"No, you haven't," Ranma insisted. "You've been our friend
for six years." He turned to Ukyo. "Sakura was lost in the
woods when she stumbled across our house. She became our
friend, helped out when Mariko was too pregnant to do
anything, and was even the midwife for all our children."
Hmm...you make it sound like Sakura tripped over the house while trying
to find her way. I would have probably written it like so:
"Sakura stumbled onto our house, she had been lost in the nearby woods.
She..."
"It's an honor to serve," she said humbly.
Sakura: Especially in bed...
Ukyo got to know Mariko Saotome well in the next hour, and
got an open-ended invitation to dinner at the Saotomes.
Ranma had married well; a woman of strong spirit, gentle
heart, and caring nature, with a backbone of solid steel.
So, the uncute version of Kasumi...
When the time came to pay and leave, and the cafe owner
tried to not accept payment, Ranma had to gently persuade
him to accept. From the way they did it, Ukyo was certain
that this was a regular occurrence.
"What - Ranma Saotome not accepting free food? Did aliens
operate on your brain or something?"
Ranma: Hey...no one supose to know that I'm the Marloboro Man!
Ranma chuckled. "Naw - I just grew up. Besides, since I'm
the constable, it wouldn't be decent to take free food and
gifts."
"Well, we should get home," Mariko said. "The children
should be home from nursery school soon, and we should get
the groceries home."
Oi...I'd hate to be the nursery school teachers right about now...
"Don't worry," Ukyo said. "I brought my cart - I was hoping
to get enough ingredients for the whole banquet. Sakura and
I can load your groceries on it, and get it home for you."
"No, I should help - " she insisted, trying to stand.
"Ranchan, are you going to let your pregnant wife overexert
herself?" Ukyo asked.
"Nope," he commented. "Sit, otemba-chan."
"But -" she tried to argue, only to be silenced by Ranma's
lips on hers.
What, no kind of reaction from Ukyo or Sakura?!
Ukyo and Sakura went out and put the Saotome's groceries on
Ukyo's cart, and re-arranged the contents to give Mariko a
place to sit.
Ukyo looked at Sakura. "So, how'd you pull it off, Akane?"
Akane/Sakura jerked in surprise. "Wha- "
(Ukyo hands Akane a dossier.)
Ukyo: You've been wanted for arrest in several countries and in the
state of New Mexico for your mallet killings...
Seriously through, you don't have to type Akane/Sakura. We all know now
Sakura is really Akane.
"How'd I figure it out? It's been ten years, and you've
really aged badly, but when you smiled, I recognized you
instantly. Ranchan always said you had one of the most
brilliant smiles he'd ever seen."
Ukyo: Or was that maniacial? I forget...
Akane blushed. "He - never said that to me."
"What happened, Akane? This 'Sakura' thing -"
Akane sighed. "You remember when Ranma left?"
Ukyo nodded.
"Well, the night before, we had a huge fight. I don't even
remember what it was over, but we got so heated that I said
some - truly horrible things. I'm ashamed to even think
about them, even now. The next morning, Ranma was gone.
"After a couple of days, it was obvious he wasn't just
coming home. I went after him, wanting to find him and hit
him for making everyone worry so much.
"It took three years, but I found him. He was already
married to Mariko, and she was pregnant with Jiro, their
firstborn. I watched them from hiding for two months,
listening at their windows, spying on them with binoculars
...
"I would watch Ranma treat her with respect and kindness and
gentleness, expressing his love and affection for her. I
would get jealous - madly jealous."
Akane took a deep breath. "I was planning on - on waiting
for Mariko to give birth and attack her. To take the baby.
And teach Ranma a lesson about abandoning me.
"Then, one day, I imagined Ranma treating me like that. And
I realized I wasn't daydreaming, I was ... remembering."
Oookay...
Akane sobbed briefly, and dabbed at tears with a
handkerchief.
"He *had* treated me with kindness. With respect and
affection. And I never noticed.
"I saw the way he looked at Mariko, and I knew he had once
looked at me the same way. And I never noticed it."
Akane: So I disfigured Mariko, killed the firstborn and ate it in front
of Ranma! Wahahahahahaha!
Seriously though, I would have a hard time believing that Akane would
realize in an instant what she was about to do...
Ukyo waited a moment while Akane sobbed a bit more.
"After years of hunting him, and months of stalking him, of
plotting to assault his wife and kidnap his child - I
finally realized that he had loved me. And I ruined it."
Akane looked at Ukyo. "Ukyo - Ucchan - did you know?"
"That Ranma loved you?" She nodded. "Yeah."
Akane: Why didn't you tell me, you jerk?!
"When I realized it - that I loved him - was the same night
I realized that he had loved me, and that he now loved
someone else."
Akane took a deep, shuddering breath, and dried her tears
some more. "Do you know how she won him, Ukyo? She was ...
kind to him."
Oh, come on! Where's that Tendo Sob we've all come to know and love?
"What do you mean?"
"Just that. When he said something insensitive, she didn't
hit him or yell at him, she simply pointed out that it hurt
her feelings. He'd get apologetic, and wouldn't do it
anymore.
"Once, Ranma gave Mariko a present - earrings. She just
thanked him and kissed him on the cheek. I remember when
Ranma gave me earrings, and I accused him of being guilty of
something I didn't know about, and of buying them to soothe
his conscience.
"She doesn't mind being called a tomboy - actually, 'Otemba'
is her family name. When he would accidentally insult her,
she'd just *look* at him, and he'd wilt. He hasn't insulted
her in years."
Akane sobbed. "It was so clear. If *I'd* treated him gently
- with respect - *I* would have been his wife, the mother of
his children. Instead - I drove him away.
"The day I realized all this, I took a rope, and went to a
cherry tree."
Akane pulled the scarf from her neck, showing Ukyo the scar
around her neck. Ukyo gasped in shock.
"That's when Ranma found me," she continued. "He cut me
down, brought me into his house, tended me until I
recovered." Akane laughed a hollow laugh, filled with tears.
"The final insult - he didn't even recognize me!"
"Ranma said you were lost, and found his house by accident,"
Ukyo said.
"Ranma was trying to save face for me. He believes it would
be embarrassing to me for everyone to know that I was trying
to kill myself."
Ukyo put an arm around her onetime rival. "Considerate of
him, ne?"
Akane nodded. "After I recovered a bit, Ranma asked me my
name. Since I was hanging from a cherry tree, I called
myself 'Sakura'. I stayed at Ranma's, and I haven't left
since."
Ukyo was confused. "Why?"
"Because I love him," she answered simply. "He doesn't need
Akane, but Sakura is useful to him. I get to spend time with
him and help raise his children. We talk sometimes, and
every now and again, he hugs me. Occasionally, he kisses me
on the cheek or forehead."
Akane sighed. "We get along better now than we ever did as
iinazuke. This is as close as I've ever been to him, and I
won't - I can't - give it up."
Ukyo looked on Akane - no, Sakura - with pity. Akane had
been so strong, so proud. The woman before her had been
broken. She was calmer, perhaps even happier - but what had
she sacrificed?
Ranma and Mariko came out of the cafe, Ranma trying to make
her go slowly and carefully, and Mariko striding with
confidence. Ukyo helped Sakura remove most of the evidence
that she had been crying.
* * * * * * * * * *
After Ukyo dropped the Saotomes off at their home (and met
the horde of offspring - including a son named Ukyo), she
made her way out of the village, down the unpaved road to
where her van awaited.
Loading her cargo of foodstuffs, she thought about the
events she had been through today. She'd have to call the
Saotomes in Tokyo, tell them about their grandchildren.
Should she call the Tendos? Tell them about Akane?
Ukyo (on a cell phone): Uh, Hello? Mr. Tendo? Yeah, it's Kuonji
Ukyo...Yeah. I've found Akane. She's been living with Ranma here in the
village I'm calling from for sometime now, about ten years I think...No,
she didn't marry him, NO she's not his mistress! Will ya quit cryin'?
Did she do anything rash? Well I think she'd attempt to committ
suicide...no, will ya quit crying again? Yes, Ranma save her...no, I
don't think she'd want to return home...well, I don't know about
visiting them...no, I didn't tell him about how Nabiki killed and ate
raw Panda meat...
She'd have to think about that; Akane had made her choices.
Apparently, her odd new relationship with her former
iinazuke satisfied her in some bizarre way. Would having her
family know help her? In what way?
I wouldn't call it bizarre, even under normal Neriman circumstances.
"Strange," Ukyo said to herself, "I always figured that
Ranma would end up with Akane. I never stopped to think that
Akane might not end up with Ranma."
No, duh...
Generally, I think you've got a pretty good fic here. Considering the
time in the future, I think you've handles the characters pretty well,
although I doubt that Ukyo wouldn't at least remininsce about Ranma
slightly. Also, it needs some meat to the fic. Tell me what Ranma,
Akane, and Ukyo look like now, how you think they've aged. I don't think
you would hurt the fic one bit if you expanded on the atmosphere of the
village, its people and places. I mean, you did a pretty good job
describing what Mariko looks like, I think you could an even better job
with the others.
I'd also look into better wording the dialogue. Ranma doesn't sound like
he's Ranma and Ukyo too to an extent. I don't think ten years would
alter their speaking styles that much (or maybe...who knows?). If you
just get the characters a bit more in character, (there's that ugly
phrase again!) then I think the fic would be more realistic, if you call
a fictional piece realistic.
Overall, it was a pretty good fic to read.
--Andrew