this is done in the format of Blade and Epsilon's 'Ranma 1/2
for People with Short Attention Spans'. still a very rough
draft - would appreciate any help in making it snappier.
A NEON GENESIS EVANGELION fanfic.
Rights belonging to GAINAX and AD Vision.
Used without permission.
A ripoff of something Chris McNeil and Aaron Peori
say Alan Harnum thought up.
EVA IN BRIEF
by E.L.Toh
Episode 1:
Shinji arrives in Tokyo-3. Character types are
rapidly established - Shinji is a wimp, Rei is
a mystery, Misato is a drunk, Gendou is a
bastard, Ritsuko is a Vulcan, Maya is impossible
(dame desu!).
Episode 2:
Shinji stares at ceilings. Misato gains a domestic
helper. Pen-Pen and Misato get a good view of
Shinji while our view is blocked by a container
for toothpicks.
Episode 3:
Shinji is introduced the Suzuhara Fist of Justice.
A cross between a squid and an orchid inserts two
tentacles into Eva Unit 01. "Why me?" moans Shinji.
Episode 4:
Shinji run aways. He decides to come back - after
all there are twenty-two more episodes to go.
Episode 5:
Shinji fondles Rei. Lemon fic writers have a field day.
"I'm not a pervert," protests Shinji, "and I'm not gay!"
A large eight-sided die arrives in Tokyo-3 for the Eva
Unit 01 BBQ.
Episode 6:
Misato causes a black out throughout the whole of Japan.
Rei smiles. Her fans are estastic.
Episode 7:
Big robot vs. big robot.
Episode 8:
Asuka shows off her white cotton panties. Misato goes
fishing. Shinji wears Asuka's clothes.
Episode 9:
Shinji and Asuka bicker endlessly. Writers, trapped in
Ranma mode, decide they MUST be in love. Later Asuka
joins Shinji on his futon. Lemon writers have a field
day.
Episode 10:
Asuka simulates the effect of eating too many cheesy
poofs. Sandalphon experiences thermal contraction
while Shinji displays thermal expansion to Pen Pen.
"How embarrassing," he mutters.
Episode 11:
Someone at NERV forgot to pay the electricity bill.
Maya looks up Ritsuko's skirt. John Biles and Rod M
use Matriel to herald the arrival of the best Eva
elseworlds fic to date.
Episode 12:
The cost of great Eva animation means Tzachquiel
looks like an omelette with wings. Misato cheats
the Eva pilots of the steak dinners which they
risked their lives for. "I don't mind," says Rei.
Episode 13:
Ritsuko and Maya force Iroul to co-exist with
Windows 98. The computer virus angel chooses
suicide.
Episode 14:
Gendou denies that Iroul the Eleventh Angel ever
existed. Nobody ever explains why SEELE numbers
the other Angels from twelve after this.
Episode 15:
Asuka forces Shinji to French. Lemon writers have
a field day. Rei is a persistent truant.
Episode 16:
Shinji enters the realm of abstract mathematics.
Cat fights galore. Rei argues with Misato. Rei
glares at Asuka. Misato slaps Ritsuko. Eva Unit
01 needs shower after blood bath.
Episode 17:
NERV takes over new Eva that the Americans don't
want to play with anymore. Having gotten viewers
hooked, Anno prepares to turn to the Dark Side.
Episode 18:
Kensuke would give an arm and a leg to be an Eva
pilot. Instead it's Touji who gets the chance
to do so.
Episode 19:
Zeruel humiliates Asuka. "I'm the one who does
the humiliating around here," she protests. Shinji
cringes. Unit 01 has Angel take-out. "Tastes like
chicken," it says.
Episode 20:
Shinji fantasizes about a foursome. "Don't you?"
he says defensively. Misato triumphs where The
Greatest Scientist in the Universe Ritsuko fails.
"Misato is so biased," sniffs Asuka.
Episode 21:
We are introduced to Shinji's mom. Yui is a babe.
Therefore, by that eternal law of the real life
universe, she has to fall for a scumbag.
Episode 22:
Arael plays Handel's Messiah in Asuka's head. We
learn why she has permanent PMS. Rei sets world
record for javelin throw.
Episode 23:
"Oh my god! They killed Rei!" "You bastards!"
"Oh, hi, Rei. What's up?" Ritsuko puts an end
to Gendou's dream of a mail order Rei in every
household. This author demands a refund.
Episode 24:
Shinji takes a bath with Kaworu. Translations
vary over whether Kaworu declared that he loves
or likes Shinji. "Oh my god! I killed Kaworu!
I'm a bastard! But I AM NOT GAY!"
Episode 25:
Hello? Does anyone know what is going on?
Episode 26:
>From the seed of a five minute alternate universe,
Jim Lazar plants the Garden of Eva. Henceforth,
trees are classified under 'anatomy' instead of
'botany'. And of course, we're all still waiting
for Andrew.
THE END
Version 1.0 - 19 Nov 1999
contact: toheel@singnet.com.sg or teloong@cwcom.net
archive: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/HERZ.htm