Vincent Seifert wrote:
C&C is most welcome.
Well, good. :)
Here I'll add my 2 yen to the current discussion of why C&C and why it
falls off: I, personally, try to keep C&Cing a story once I've begun.
There are other factors, of course; I agree with those who have stated
that they don't continue to send C&C to a writer who does not appear to
appreciate it or, worse, does not respond at all. Kiss of death, folks.
Absolutely! Non-responses by authors really hurt repeat C&C. The major
problem is that it makes you feel as though your efforts have gone
unappreciated. Remember, folks, that most FFMLers have busy real lives out
there. If someone takes the effort to reply to a fic you've written, then
it's common courtesy to reply with at least a thank you note. I reply to
every piece of mail I receive - no matter what the content. (Fortunately, I
have yet to receive any major flames :).
Phil, however, rewards the C&C I send him with thoughtful and amusing
responses, and so I keep doing it.
Aw, shucks, Vince. :)
<Insert Usual Disclaimer>
Ouch! :)
I know, I know - originally, I could never think of the cute disclaimers
that a lot of people were using, so I decided to leave it. I'll replace it
with a standard tag.
Hmm, I wonder if this period in the FFML will become known as the 'Age of
Cute Disclaimers'?
AKANE!!
Ranma screamed his grief and rage to the uncaring night.
His heart, his soul, gone, flown beyond the winds of
recall. Why had this happened?!
{Eek. Echoes of Jusendo, of course... very effective.}
I'll honestly admit I didn't have that in mind when I wrote it. :)
But now that you've mentioned it...
This is what will be, a voice whispered in the darkness.
Who?! Who is there?! The darkness was silent. Answer me!
Ranma demanded.
{Thanks for not using oddball quote-marks here; they're unnecessary.}
"Oddball quote? Where?!" Phil pulls out the oddball quote shotgun and takes
aim. :)
The form that shimmered into view was stunningly
beautiful: a great crystalline spider of delicate
proportions. What little light in the darkness was caught
{missing verb? suggest} What little light relieved the darkness was
Hmm, it reads all right to me (but then I know what I'm trying to say :).
I'll rephrase it.
by the sharply-angled surfaces of its body, and reflected a
thousand-fold as dazzling rays of light.
"Death," Ranma whispered as he awoke to the dawn.
{Nice. I expect this dreaming strife to continue, at least until Ranma
comes to terms with his nature, and probably even after that, because
it's so appropriate for the external battles of the day to be reflected
in the internal battles of the night.}
Very true. This scene also has a strong tie-in with later events.
piercing the gloomy overcast. The swirling clouds of dust
thrown up by the recent upheavals settled once again.
Behind them, Kaminari-jinja patiently awaited its next
victims.
{Nice of Shukumaru to warn off unsought prey, I must say. :) }
She's really as considerate as Kasumi, honest! :)
Seriously, I think I'll change it to 'true victims'. Does that sound better?
"Bah. And what of that? The Kuno Clan can trace their
heritage back to the first Emperor of Japan, Jimmu Tenno.
Legend has it that our ancestors were granted our demon-
hunting powers by Susanoo-oh himself: that, in itself, is
{er, it looks like you're using two Romanization methods in one word
there. It's tricky, I admit: I've seen it as Susanoo, Susano-o,
Susano'o, Susanowo, Susa-no-wo... if I could just find the kanji writing
of it, I could decide for myself. :) }
My old AD&D second ed. Legends and Lore book has him as Susanoo. :)
I had this vague idea in my head that adding -oh to a name implied godhood
or some such. This is where 'Susanoo-oh' came from. I'm quite likely wrong
so I'll just keep it without the -oh.
more than two thousand years of history," Kodachi finished
smugly.
"Hah! Chinese Amazon tribe come to new home in Warring
States time. Over _three thousand_ years of history..."
{heh. Amusing exchange, and true to both characters, IMO.}
They're both proud of their heritage from their clan/tribe. You'll notice
that both of them are exaggerating a fair amount - it's unlikely that any
records survive from Jimmu Tenno's time (he's semi-mythical as well), and if
the Amazons migrated to China during the Warring States as I mentioned
above, then they have two and a half thousand years of history there at
best. :)
"Take care, Akane. Come home safe," Nabiki said, surprised
to find herself really meaning those words of concern. Of
course, if Akane didn't make it back... she'd have to marry
Ranma instead: a fate obviously worse than death.
{Oh, I'm sure she'd find a way to foist him onto Kasumi. :) }
I'm sure she would, too. :)
Kodachi hid a sigh. The Tendo girl was simply wrong for
her beloved Ranma-sama. She treated him like a prize,
inviting all others to take him away. Well, the Black Rose
would accept that invitation, and Akane Tendo would learn
to her loss that prizes were won by the swiftest.
{suggest} to her sorrow
"Perhaps we may converse at the end of the carriage, Ranma-
sama." Kodachi stood up, intent on bearing her prize away.
{Speaking of treating him like a prize...}
Case of the pot calling itself black, really. :)
{Poor Ryoga. Between Akane, Akari (?), Kodachi, and Ranma's new powers
(and old ones), he's getting into a real bind here... heh.}
Ryoga in a pickle. :)
Perhaps when I get to the point of introducing Akari, Viz will have gotten
to the chapters in which she appears. :)
The change was almost instantaneous: she felt Ranma
suddenly tense up behind her.
A wave of chilling cold ran down her spine. Piercing, hot
{"chilling cold"? Sorry, but ugh. Say, how about "horripilation"? That
fits, and it's a neat word that ought to be used more.}
Rummage, toss, dictionary, dictionary, aha. Hmm, closest word I can find is
'horrification'.
Kodachi took a deep, calming breath. What on earth had
just happened? Had Ranma-sama really--
{Good question. This will come up again, won't it?}
Succulent Kodachi, firm Shampoo, delectable Ukyo, and the juicy Tendo girl?
Why, surely so... :)
"That is well enough, Ranma-sama. I would prefer for us to
remain allies, and never enemies." Remembering the sudden
apprehension that had swept over her earlier, Kodachi
heartily reaffirmed that intent to herself.
{Good point. Even with her abilities, it's likely that, were Ranma to
yield to his demon nature and thereby become her enemy, he's be... um...
too much for her to handle. By all means, stay on good terms if at all
possible; strategy and desire agree on that.}
"Oh, Ranma-sama!" Kodachi cried out and went limp. "Four hours straight,"
she whispered in a tired but happy voice.
Kasumi's smile dimmed slightly. "A spider... I think."
{Chikumo, I presume... if so, the battle wasn't entirely internal.
Interesting.}
Yup, one dead Earth Spider gets tossed out into the garbage.
had pulled him away for a 'chat' that had consisted mostly
of stony silences.
{hehehehe! I can just see this. Akane: "..." Ranma: "..."}
Exactly! :)
On the left flank, things weren't going quite as well.
Nevertheless, Ryoga and Akane were doing an workmanlike job
on the mob before them. Ryoga laid about him with his metal
umbrella, virtually beating each of his opponents into the
{"virtually"? What's virtual about it? Ryoga is quite capable of
_actually_ beating an opponent into the ground...}
Hehe. I'll remove it.
ground.
Akane had singled out a tentacled demon, and was
demon and
methodically slicing it apart, one tentacle at a time. A
{"Musabetsu Kakuto Tendo-ryu Ultimate Cooking Technique: Juusanbon
Oroshi!" :) }
Heh. My Japanese isn't up to that, Vince - closest I can come up with is
Thirteen Wholesale - which can't be right. :)
dozen wriggling appendages were lying on the ground,
testamant to her skill with her mother's katana.
testament
Ranma shivered slightly as he watched her grin in delight.
Akane was quick to forgive and forget... most things.
Obviously, being groped by a perverted demon wasn't one of
those things.
{Aiyaa. Bad, bad move. Poor demon. Poor P-chan. :) }
Poor Ranma, who will be in the groping position eventually. :)
Then, he saw them appear: Shukumaru, and his mother.
Then he {...} Shukumaru and
Dimly, he recalled Shampoo's chant at the
beginning of the battle, and his lips twisted briefly. Why
the hell not? Umibouzu! Under the contract that binds us,
I, Ranma Saotome, co--
{Nice notion, that Ranma would seize on Shampoo's example.}
It's a little play on the magical girl shows - primarily Card Captor Sakura.
:)
She had spurned that offer.
{<piku> Echoes of a situation Shukumaru was in at some previous time, I
take it? Fascinating.}
Well, there is one instance which I've hinted at. :)
Her claws raked across the taut flesh of Nodoka's neck...
and skittered off harmlessly. Astonished, she glanced at
her victim and saw the blackness crawling over her body.
With an oath, Shukumaru lunged back to escape the seal that
surrounded Nodoka. The black tendrils expanded, covering
the frozen form beneath a shroud of night which shimmered
and pulsed fervently, streaming darkness into the air.
{"fervently"? Odd choice of word...}
Heh. I took it to mean 'intensely', but it doesn't quite. I'll swap it.
"Brother, what have you done?" Shukumaru whispered.
Inwardly, she knew. Once before, she had been the victim.
{Oho. Well, partly oho. I expect you to clarify this at the proper time.
:) }
Hmm. I'll clarify this bit - it refers to her father sealing her away. Ranma
uses the same technique in order to save his mother.
herself.
{Uh oh. However, a small voice tells me we're about to learn something
interesting about Akane's sword...}
Tsk. That would be predictible, wouldn't it? *twiddle*
---
Author's Notes:
1) 'Chikumo' translates as 'earth spider'; from 'chi'
which means 'earth', and 'kumo' meaning 'spider'.
2) 'Noboru Ishiyama' means 'stone mountain climb'; from
'ishi' which means 'stone', 'yama' meaning 'mountain',
and 'noboru' meaning 'climb'.
3) 'Tsuyu Kumori' means 'cloudy dew'; from 'tsuyu' which
means 'dew', and 'kumori' which means 'cloudiness'.
heh. I love this. I spend hours working up chracter names with hidden
meanings myself. Pointless, perhaps, but fun. :)
It is, isn't it?
Moving right along, looks like. My taste would be for a bit less battle
and a bit more character interaction, and for somewhat less florid
language, but I certainly can't say the pace is harmed thereby. I
particularly like the hints that keep cropping up, and I hope you intend
to follow up on them.
Unfortunately, I tend to keep the pace flowing through the battle scenes. :)
Seriously, a lot of the plot developments occur during battles in the early
chapters. But the next chapter will finish large-scale battles for a while.
There's a great deal of history between Shukumaru and Ansou hidden in the
story. As with most Ranma 1/2 stories, past issues will arise to impact on
the present.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Great comments as always, Vince. Thanks for taking the time and effort to
help me out.
Phil.
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
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Ideas are worth their weight in gold.