Phil wrote:
As the English-translated Maison Ikkoku by Viz draws to a
close, I felt the need to write a little something to end
this series properly.
Maison Ikkoku is the property of Takahashi-sama.
---
Time's Promise
A Maison Ikkoku Fanfic
By Kagami
---
Kentaro Ichinose walked up to the front of Ikkoku-kan,
enjoying the late afternoon sun. Fish for dinner, he
realized with a pang of delight. Likely, there would be
just enough time to go down to the public baths before
dinner time. He reached for the door knob, then paused as
it was opened from the inside.
One thing you might want to work on in this beginning: the fanfiction
reader knows who Kentaro is, and knows him as a young boy. When I read
this first scene, that was exactly how I pictured him the whole time -
until the jarring statement that he was 40 years old. You need to
counteract the reader's preconceived vision of Kentaro in some way in
this first paragraph, more decisively than his increased politeness and
Kyoko's form of address. It doesn't have to be complex - a mention of
his job, his suit, his wife (unless he's still living with his
parents...?) but I think it would help to establish his age right away.
The surprise of time having passed doesn't seem to me to be worth that
feeling of dislocation.
"Oh, Kanrinin-san." He noted her black dress and the paper-
wrapped bundle she carried. "Is it that time, already?" he
asked.
Not to nitpick, but she generally didn't wear black to visit
Souichirou's grave; while this is a clue as to what she's doing, I'm not
sure it fits her character.
"Kentaro-san, welcome back," Kyoko replied, bowing
slightly. "Yes, I'll be home later. If there should be any
problems--"
"I'm sure we can handle it, Kanrinin-san. Please don't
worry." She smiled in reply and bowed her thanks. He waved
as she turned down the hilly slope towards the station.
Summer already, he thought, looking up at the clear sky. A
gentle breeze stirred several leaves that would undoubtedly
be swept away come the morning. Has it really been that
long? Sighing, he turned to open the front door to his home
for the past forty years.
---
The headstone looked more worn every year, Kyoko thought
as she knelt. She laid the sushi rolls before the grave.
Her hand reached out involuntarily to trace the characters
that marked the headstone:
Yusaku Godai
Beloved husband and father.
1961-2021
"In the end, you couldn't even keep that promise to me."
"Baka."
She smiled fondly, before bowing her head in prayer.
---
I would really like to see a bit more atmosphere in the last scene. You
have some nice telling description in the opening scene, and in contrast
the last scene seems very spare. Again, there's no need to go
overboard, but in a fic like this, focusing on a single sad event rather
than a plotted story, the mood of the story is paramount. Give us a
hint of the sounds and scents of Kyoko's walk, or more of a visual cue
than simply the gravestone. How does the stone of the marker feel under
her fingertips? Lead us along a bit before dropping the news on us.
I do like the simplicity of Kyoko's words, and I am not suggesting you
overload this story with flowery description, but a few telling details
could add a great deal to the ambience of the fic.
I like the idea for this fic, and what you have is just fine, but I do
think some judicial additions could make it more poignant and enhance
the mood.
Keep writing!
Bridget
--
"I choose you - PIKASPEW!!!"
Jamie to 2 month old daughter Madeline,
shortly after being spat up upon...
_______________________________________________
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