From: "Trakal" <Trakal@map.com> | Block address
Organization: Galaxy Police
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1999 09:22:34 +0000
Subject: [FFML] [Fic][Ranma1/2][Alternate
Universe] A Bit Of A
Shocker
Reply-to: trakal@map.com
Hi,
My comments##
<SNIP>
"I learned it all from P-Chan." Ryoga shrugged.
##Good line. ^_^
"I don't get it." Ranma was very confused.
##HE's not the only one.
"Not all the Springs work the same way, Ranma." Ryoga
explained.
"It all depends upon what the temperature of a spring
is when it
claims its victims.
##I'm not sure about this. WHAT is the difference.
It's never explained and IMO it's not clear from
context.
You landed in a cold spring, right?"
Ranma shivered from the memory.
"So cold water activates it."
"The Spring I fell wasn't a cold water spring."
"But you change when you're hit with cold water."
Ranma
protested.
"Yes, I do." Ryoga shrugged.
##????Then how is Ryouga's spring different from
Ranma's (in terms of trigger?)
"But ... Ranma. I can't say it." he
turned away, then scribbled an address on a slip of
paper and
handed it to Ranma.
##Small cultural note. Tokyo and environs are so
confusing that the only way to find a place you are
not familiar with is with a map.(and lots of help from
"natives" of the area) Not a story killer but you
might indicate the address is in the same "chome"
{subdivision} that Ranma lives (lived) in
and therefore he is more likely to be able to find
it.
****
Ranma blinked as he stood at the address in question.
"Why on
Earth did Ryoga send me to a cemetary?" He wondered
out loud.
Just then P-chan ran past, bwee'ing for Ranma to
follow.
Ranma followed. After a number of false starts, they
finally
reached what P-Chan wanted Ranma to see.
##Now THIS makes it an Alternate Universe,
P-chan/Ryouga actually being able to find his way to a
particular spot. ^_^
<SNIP>
He was looking at Ryoga's grave.
"But... if Ryoga's dead... then who did I knock into
the Spring
of Drowned Piglet?" He poured a bit of hot water onto
P-Chan.
"Nobody." Ryoga replied.
##Nice set up.
"But..." Ranma blinked in confusion.
"You're really thick sometimes, Ranma." Ryoga sighed.
"Ranma,
P-Chan wasn't the one who drowned in that Spring."
##Now THIS is unfair. Even with all that's gone on in
Ranma's life he (and everyone else) HAS been seeing
Ryouga hale and hearty for months. So this would be
hard to take for anybody. ^_^
"But you turn into P-chan."
"I told you before, the nature of the change depends
on the
temperature of the Spring when the victim falls in."
##He keeps saying that,but he never _explains_ the
difference. :(
"Ryoga, what are you trying to say?" Ranma asked. "I
don't
understand.
Ryoga threw up his hands in annoyance and walked off.
##I'm confused as well.
"What did I do?!" Ranma followed him. "I'm trying to
understand,
really, but..."
"YOU KNOCKED P-CHAN INTO THE SPRING, RANMA!" Ryoga
shouted, as if
he wanted to make a neon sign out of it and whack
Ranma with it.
##LOL. Great line.
A Bit of a Shocker
Part 2
------------------
"I *WHAT*?!" Ranma stared.
"It was P-Chan you knocked into the Spring, Ranma."
Ryoga
explained.
"But you..."
"I died, Ranma." Ryoga looked over at the grave.
"After you left
me, I realized I didn't want to live any more."
"Ryoga..."
"You were my only friend. The only person I'd ever
opened up to.
The fights we had were great. I loved them. We were
equals in
strength and stamina, even if our styles were
different."
##Ummmm, Ryouga has the edge in strength and stamina.
Ranma has always depended on speed and flexibility.
"I enjoyed them, too." Ranma agreed. "It was good to
have a
sparring partner who didn't crumple after a couple
minutes."
"Same here." Ryoga nodded. "Then you left and I had no
one. No
friends... A family who's never home... I would've
gone with you,
Ranma. I followed, but I lost track of you. Then I had
heard
about Jusenkyo and figured that since it was a
training ground,
you must've gone there."
"We had."
"But I got there first." Ryoga explained. "I waited
for four
days, but you didn't show. So I figured I'd missed
you. And I
realized that by waiting, I'd put too much distance
between us
and I'd never see you again. It was just too much, and
that
spring was just too inviting. So..."
##OK, I realize this is a plot device. Still it seems
a little sudden.
Acceptable for a short story but some development
would be nice for
a longer story. Build up Ryouga's feelings of loss and
despair
to make the suicide more believable.
"You drowned yourself." Ranma's voice was a stunned
whispered.
Ryoga nodded. "Then, sometime later, you showed up
and knocked
poor little P-chan into the Spring where I'd ended my
life."
##Nice story. And an interesting premise. Well done.
I'm a little confused about the change though.
Cold water Hot water
Ryouga => P-chan P-chan => Ryouga
BUT if I understand you correctly:
Ryouga REALLY drowned himself in spring
of drowned little black piglet. Then P-chan
was knocked back into spring of drowned
little black piglet . . .
I don't see the real difference except that
Ranma wasn't responsible at all.
Also, if Ryouga drowned himself in China
HOW did his body get back to Japan?
And WHAT body? He's turned into P-chan.
Nope, I just can't figure out what
happened to him.
I think it CAN work, just needs a little
polishing to get rid of what is, IMO, a plot
conflict.
Good story none-the-less and a very
interesting premise. Good job.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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