As you can tell I don't say much on this list. Most
of the time I read and keep what I want and once the
last of my pre-readers returns their comments I will
post some goodies.
However Their are times I find stuff I have to
reply to. This fic is one of them.
This is one of the best original ideas I've seen
come down the pike in a wile. Usually fic's are the
same old same old with good or bad writting and a few
new twists, but this is a new angle. I like it.
"I learned it all from P-Chan." Ryoga shrugged.
"I don't get it." Ranma was very confused.
"Not all the Springs work the same way, Ranma."
Ryoga explained.
"It all depends upon what the temperature of a
spring is when it
claims its victims. You landed in a cold spring,
right?"
Ranma shivered from the memory.
I can actually see Ranma bieng this dence.
"So cold water activates it."
"The Spring I fell wasn't a cold water spring."
"But you change when you're hit with cold water."
Ranma
protested.
"Yes, I do." Ryoga shrugged. "But ... Ranma. I
can't say it." he
turned away, then scribbled an address on a slip of
paper and
handed it to Ranma.
****
Ranma blinked as he stood at the address in
question. "Why on
Earth did Ryoga send me to a cemetary?" He wondered
out loud.
Just then P-chan ran past, bwee'ing for Ranma to
follow.
Ranma followed. After a number of false starts, they
finally
reached what P-Chan wanted Ranma to see.
It was a grave, slightly weather-beaten but
otherwise in good
condition.
P-Chan bwee'ed at it.
It took Ranma a moment to realize what he was
seeing. Then it
struck him like a thunderbolt.
He was looking at Ryoga's grave.
"But... if Ryoga's dead... then who did I knock into
the Spring
of Drowned Piglet?" He poured a bit of hot water
onto P-Chan.
"Nobody." Ryoga replied.
"But..." Ranma blinked in confusion.
"You're really thick sometimes, Ranma." Ryoga
sighed. "Ranma,
P-Chan wasn't the one who drowned in that Spring."
"But you turn into P-chan."
"I told you before, the nature of the change depends
on the
temperature of the Spring when the victim falls in."
"Ryoga, what are you trying to say?" Ranma asked. "I
don't
understand.
Ryoga threw up his hands in annoyance and walked
off.
"What did I do?!" Ranma followed him. "I'm trying to
understand,
really, but..."
"YOU KNOCKED P-CHAN INTO THE SPRING, RANMA!" Ryoga
shouted, as if
he wanted to make a neon sign out of it and whack
Ranma with it.
This was a bit hard to follow. It explains things well
but it the readability (if there is such a word.)It
could flow along a little better.
"I died, Ranma." Ryoga looked over at the grave.
You might be able to do without this line.
"After you left
me, I realized I didn't want to live any more."
"Ryoga..."
"You were my only friend. The only person I'd ever
opened up to.
The fights we had were great. I loved them. We were
equals in
strength and stamina, even if our styles were
different."
I can really believe this
"I enjoyed them, too." Ranma agreed. "It was good to
have a
sparring partner who didn't crumple after a couple
minutes."
"Same here."
redundant
Ryoga nodded. "Then you left and I had
no one. No
friends... A family who's never home... I would've
gone with you,
Ranma. I followed, but I lost track of you. Then I
had heard
about Jusenkyo and figured that since it was a
training ground,
you must've gone there."
"We had."
"But I got there first." Ryoga explained. "I waited
for four
days, but you didn't show. So I figured I'd missed
you. And I
realized that by waiting, I'd put too much distance
between us
and I'd never see you again. It was just too much,
and that
spring was just too inviting. So..."
A little fine tweeking here and you'll never have to
mention anything specific. The reader's mind will draw
the conclusion itself.
"You drowned yourself." Ranma's voice was a stunned
whispered.
All in all, A very well developed idea. This would be
a great hook inside a larger story line.
Neil K. (AZ3 USN AD)
"Something told me I was out to lunch..."
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