Plot: Has potential. Intriguing early on; later it seems
to lose coherence.
Technical writing skill: Needs a lot of work
Characters: Your Tenchi is boring. Non-entity Tenchi works
well, but yours isn't; yours feels resentment at the
manipulations around him but does nothing about them.
The girls are uninteresting.
Your Funaho and Misaki are fairly engaging, and your
Azusa seems villainous enough. Your Baroness Akane (bad
name choice, this) needs work: let us know who she is.
Anyway please read it and give me some pointers. Thanks
Happy to oblige. To start with, put tags into your header,
identifying series, e.g. [TM] if you want people to read your
story.
Dare to Dream
Is this supposed to be the title?
Tenchi Muyo is owned by other people; I donšt claim any
rights to it. I
don't want to be sued. Not that you would get anything if
you did sue me.
(you can take what I don't have) Thanks ^_^
Presumably, you like Tenchi Muyo. You might want to consider
showing a bit of respect to the creators in your disclaimer.
Dare to Dream
Prologue
Tsunami sighed the time was almost up.
Need a semi-colon after 'sighed'.
She had been granted 20,000 and 1
years of peace for overcoming her evil sister Washu. That
was the way of
contest for intergalactic control.
This is certainly intriguing. Your story will hook readers
if you can improve your technical writing skills enough to not
lose them in sheer frustration. I recommend '20,001 years'.
Also, you'd _better_ be explaining why/how Washu is 'evil'
further down in your story...
"If only she had a little
more time" sighed Tsunami she had come so far this time.
"If only I had a little more time," thought Tsunami, sighing.
She had come so far this time.
another thousand years of war and woe.
Nice alliteration.
Enough Tsunami gathered in all the elements of life and
power. With great
effort she diced on a plan. Step 1 position her pieces.
"Enough"? I don't know what this word is doing here.
"diced"? I think you mean "decided".
"Step 1: position her pieces." The colon is a very handy
punctuation mark whose use you may want to study.
The holy council was in turmoil, not scene the out brake of
Jurian Elm had the council been this worried.
"The holy council was in turmoil; not since the outbreak of
Jurain Elm Disease had the council been this worried."
Even the hyper conservative royal houses were
The multiple "houses" suggests that you mean "noble houses".
There should be only one royal house.
The labor cast was practically up in
"labor caste"
Even the pacifist party had stopped it continual quarrel with
"its" The politics you outline is fairly interesting, BTW.
Every preschooler knew the bases for all the Jurian Empire's
"basis"
" This is not open to debate when you sent my
wives and my self off to review the situation you gave up all
say in the resolution." The emperor boomed.
Doesn't ring true to me. If true, why the protests? And usually
such a thing would not be true; if the Holy Council "sent" the
Emperor and his wives on a fact-finding trip, presumably they
want to review the facts.
in major courts; Juria was no exception).
"Jurai"
"Yes.. ah well ah... the matter of Washu, maybe settled
"may be"
However this worried Funaho more then a little, among all the
councilors the only one she couldn't control was the church.
Again, fairly interesting and engaging politics.
We as result have decided to marry him to the sister of the future
emperor Seroui." Turning to the Guards at the door to the huge room.
"Please send Akane in." Opening the door the guards walked out
returning in but a moment with a Green haired girl in tow.
"Future emperor Seroui?" Is this supposed to be Seiryuu, the pink-haired
clown the Emperor tried to engage Aeka to? If not, who is this
guy and where did he come from? Also, "Akane" is not, IMO, a good
choice for this girl's name. Virtually nobody will be able to read
your story and separate your green-haired Akane from Tendo Akane.
Suddenly the Emperor sat up his eyes aglow, a huge smile
"sat up, his eyes aglow"
face. "Yes, Yes your right." Azusa said giddy as a
"Yes, yes, you're right!" Azusa said, giddy...
excellent plan your Holiness. In fact Akane the queens and
"plan, your" "In fact, Akane, the queens, and I"
once set of to complete this excellent plan." Haa Haa the
"once set off"
His mother had snuck on to the plaint
"planet"
without him even knowing. Of course she had help from
Masaki. But still that was no excuse in his prime he had
"Misaki" - Sasami's and Aeka's mother's name is spelled
differently from Tenchi's last name.
defeated Masaki. He was determined
This is confusing. Funaho's ability to land on Earth without
Youshou's knowledge is tied to Misaki's fighting skills? Why?
Or do you mean something else?
to be ready. He set of walking
"off"
Tenchi grabbed his bokken of his desk (he had conveniently landed on
this article of furniture).
I'd recommend avoiding this usage of parentheses "explaining" your
story's text. If you feel the additional explanation is required,
not just cute, try to integrate it better with your story.
Tenchi desperately parried barley avoiding ...
"barely"
Tenchi was so shocked to see his own Grandfather;
was attacking him.
Shocked? Why? The early OVAs suggest that his
grandfather is in the habit of training Tenchi this way.
Tenchi reached the table, to find Mihoshi returned for
"from"
the GP and Ryoko missing. However, this didn't really bother
him (Ryoko over slept often anyway).
Why even mention that Ryouko was absent, then?
With a will, the family sat down and dug in with a will.
Two "wills" in the same sentence is repetitive.
As Tenchi packed away the food he said, " I'll be going to the
field today" (it is summer after all).
Is this necessary?
<clip a lot more>
Inside the house Sasami lifted a sugar bowl only to have it
shatter in her hands.
As far as I can see, this incident had nothing to do with the
rest of the story. If not, take it out.
He turned to Akane and winked once.
Oh, he's a real intriguer: using a wink as a secret signal.
Akane stood up and said. "Oh my I forgot my Guardians in my
ship I'll be right back.
Bad excuse; she can just summon them and they'll appear in the
room with her.
It was clear that any
unclaimed female was threat to them after all, ever-other
unclaimed female who entered that house had tried to get Tenchi.
Heh.
Just the earth and the sky and him.
Nice pun. Might have been better as "Just the sky, the earth,
and him.", giving "sky" and "earth" in the same order as in
Tenchi's name.
Suddenly the man shifted forms a strange blue glow surrounded
the man and then faded.
Okay, I'm confused. Youshou decided on another training attack
against Tenchi, which coincidentally coincided with some plan
Baroness Akane had (which isn't clear at all). So why did
Youshou use his young man form?
Revealing the shrine keeper Tenchi knew and loved ( he
thought he loved
anyway). Tenchi's eyes bugged out and screamed "Not again".
Okay, why is Tenchi mad? He knows his grandfather is bent
on training him. For all he knows, the young man image was
the disguise.
With an effort of will power unequaled in his history
Tenchi forced his rage back. He had lost his temper
before and it only resulted in his
loss. Now was the time to follow what Tsunami had told him.
It was time to believe in himself.
??? What does "believing in himself" have to do with not
being angry?
I was sent to the fields
to fetch you. Your great grandmother thought you might want
to freshen up before you spoke with you great grandfather.
Azusa sent her, so she's lying. So we still don't know what
the pre-arranged plan between her and Azusa was, only that it's
not this.
Tenchi's already depleted will could no longer take this.
Tenchi crashed to the ground.
??? What ???
She would soon be wife to the chosen of Tsunami. She pressed
activation
button. With a brief flash of light Tenchi's room was empty
What happened to the rest of your story?