DISCLAIMER: To disclaim in Spain is mainly a pain!
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Ranma 1/2: A Matter of Romantic Chemistry - pt. 10
By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
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"Be careful with that, Baka!"
"I *am* being careful!" Ranma protested. "It's not that
heavy!"
He walked along the fencetop casually, the covered mirror on
one shoulder. On the sidewalk next to him was Akane, his
wife in all but name.
"But it's getting windy!" she protested. "That big flat
thing's likely to be blown away!"
"Don't worry! It's not like something horrible's gonna
happen!"
The Spirits of Luck that cluster fast and thick around the
Saotomes heard this insult to their power, and accepted the
challenge.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ryoga and Shampoo were considering ducking into one of the
all-night bars to wait out the rain they could both feel
coming when two men carrying a litter between them bumped
into them.
"Oh no! Gomen nasai!" they apologized, picking up the litter
again.
"No problem," answered Ryoga calmly. "What's the matter?"
"This man was hurt by a falling sign - we're trying to get
him to Doctor Tofu's clinic."
"Let Shampoo take look," the Amazon said briskly, her manner
as a healer coming to the fore. She looked over the body,
noted minor bruising but possible head trauma. "{Well, well
- if it isn't my least favorite future brother-in-law.}"
"Huh?" Ryoga asked, then he got a good look at the injured
man. "Hiya, Pantyhose."
"{He's out cold right now, Ryoga. He can't hear you.}"
"{Damn. And I wanted to talk to him about a few things.}"
Shampoo felt herself smile a bit. She knew he didn't mean
fight. He'd mentioned over dinner that he'd like to get
along better with his half-brother. She liked this kinder,
more thoughtful Ryoga.
"Hey, let's get him to the doc's."
"Good idea. Shampoo lead."
The two men watched as the couple picked up the litter and
dashed off, faster than they could go.
"Why do you think he called that guy 'Pantyhose'?"
"Who knows? In this neighborhood, you don't ask questions."
* * * * * * * * * *
As Ryoga and Shampoo dashed around the corner with the
litter carrying the unconscious Pantyhose, a sudden intense
gust of wind hit the large mirror that Ranma carried.
The big flat mirror caught the wind and acted as a sail.
Ranma fell from the fence, atop Akane, and the mirror fell
from his grasp.
Buoyed by the wind, the mirror flipped in mid-air, the cover
falling off.
Then the mirror came down, swatting Ryoga and Shampoo in the
head. Out of the mirror, a small kitten and a black piglet
fell to the ground.
The impact knocked the two martial artists to the ground,
making them drop the litter. The mirror bounced off their
heads, landing against the wall of a building.
"What was that?" Ryoga asked.
"OW!" Shampoo protested.
"Oh, hells!" Akane pushed Ranma gently off of her, and
looked to see what became of the mirror.
And saw HIM!!
"BUTA-HENTAI!!!" she yelled. "YOU'RE BACON!!!"
With a huge roar, a gigantic hairy hand poked out of the
mirror and grabbed the unconscious Pantyhose.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranko leaned against a tree, trying to collect her thoughts.
<Oh gods - how could I have let that happen?? I *kissed*
him! Why did I run?? I shouldn't have kissed him! I
shouldn't have *stopped* kissing him! Why did I kiss him?!?>
She remembered Phoenix Mountain, when she and Ranma stood
together, their united spirits doing battle with the
Phoenix-God Saffron. The entity they faced was like a
nuclear explosion with arms and legs.
That wasn't as scary as being kissed for the first time.
Ranko tried to relax, breathing deep, doing the Soul of Ice
exercises.
Suddenly, something ran into her.
"Ugh!" two female voices yelled, followed by a <thud>.
Ranko picked her head up, feeling a body trembling in a
crying fit on her own. She sat up, pushing the girl up to
see who it was.
"Biki? What's wrong??"
Nabiki looked up at her best friend, tears streaming her
face, still panting from her panic. "It's - Ichiro - "
"What is it, Biki?" Ranko held her future sister-in-law
closer, trying to calm her down, letting her concern for a
friend cover up her own feelings. "What about Ichiro?"
"He had an affair with my mother, too!"
"Oh, Gods, Biki, it's not the end of the world," Ranko
hugged her tightly. "So what if he's the Japanese Anthony
Quinn ..." A horrible thought occurred to her. "Oh, Great
Gods, he's not Akane's father, is he?!" <Niichan doesn't
need *that*!>
A hideous bestial roar filled the air.
Both girls turned their heads toward the battle cry, a few
blocks over near where Ucchan's used to be.
"Come on," Nabiki wiped her face and pulled the shorter girl
up. "I think you're needed over there."
"But is Akane - "
"No, I'll explain it later. I need to calm down a bit."
Ranko grabbed Nabiki's hand and leapt up on the roof toward
the battle in the street.
"THIS IS NOT MY IDEA OF 'CALMING DOWN'!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Ryoga gazed at the approaching mallet-wielder.
The memory of being malleted into the floor (a hit that had
almost killed him) because she had discovered he was P-chan,
filled the Lost Boy's mind. He felt his heart ache from
sadness and his body tremble out of fear.
Shampoo got up and stared Akane eye to eye. "Ryoga Shampoo's
Airen now! You no hurt!" <Damn, the old bat's right - I
sound like a bimbo!>
"The pervert *used* me!" she replied, pushing Shampoo back.
"And you better stay away from my Ranma-sama!"
"You keep boychick!" Shampoo pulled out her bonbori. "But
you better not hurt Ryoga!" <Dammit, what am I doing?!? Last
time she nearly smeared me! And I had three-to-one odds
then!>
"He'll die painlessly!"
"THAT IT!!" Shampoo yelled, swinging her bonbori at Akane's
head. <Maybe Ryoga will have a chance to get away...>
Ranma and Ryoga stared at the two women fighting for them,
both boys scratching their heads in puzzlement. Ranma
recovered. "Heya, P-chan, long time no see."
"You, too, Ranma. But why the hell is there another
Pantyhose monster trying to kidnap Pantyhose?"
"Yeah, you're right," Ranma gulped, seeing the huge yeti-ox-
octopus-eel-thingamajiggy squeeze carefully out of the
mirror while holding a semi-conscious Pantyhose Taro. "I
didn't know the mirror would let your guys' other souls out,
too!"
"Nani?" Ryoga stopped, hearing his Shampoo and Akane beat
the crap out of each other in the background. "What are you
talking about?"
"That mirror is what separated Ranko and me. Something about
the soul of the curse you have being able to come out. See?"
Ryoga looked to where Ranma pointed - to where a black
piglet wearing a animal-print bandana cowered behind some
trashcans, a pink and purple cat with bells on it's ears hid
behind it.
Ryoga paused, taking this in, his eyes growing wider. "You
mean that thing gets hit with cold water and it becomes me??
Like Ranko turns into you?"
"Probably." Ranma looked at Ryoga oddly. <He's acting real
weird. Calm, hasn't blamed me for anything ...>
"If we wait for the rain, they'll both change. The Creature
will be harmless - but Pantyhose may be hurt from falling,
and we'll have no way to get him to the clinic."
Ranma was impressed. <Since when could Ryoga think like
that?> "Then we better keep him here!"
"Good idea!" Ryoga ran toward the beast, pulling bandanas
from his forehead.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Creature luxuriated in the sensations. For the first
time in it's existence, it controlled it's own body!
The Warden - the pallid man-thing that kept it imprisoned
for it's whole life, tormented with visions of a freedom it
could never taste - lay helpless in his palm. It could crush
its enemy casually, but then it couldn't suffer.
No, this vengeance would take months - if not *years*!
Its wings stretched, in preparation for flight ...
... then it bellowed in pain as several intense stabbing
sensations hit it's leg.
It glanced down, seeing a yellow-and-brown man-thing running
toward him. The pain came from some projectiles colored like
the man-thing.
"You take my brother, you deal with *me*, monster!"
The Creature flared it's nostrils. The temptation of killing
the Warden's sibling appealed to it.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Damn you, Shampoo, get out of the way!" Akane yelled,
plowing her fist into the lamp post behind the ducking
Amazon.
Shampoo put the lamp post between herself and the Tendo
girl. <She's not using the Heart's Fire - I may have a
chance.> "You no hurt Airen!" She swung a bonbori in a
feint, holding the other in defense.
"Ranma is NOT YOURS, you airheaded twit!" Akane leaned away
from the weapon's contact, then lashed out with her other
hand. The other bonbori deflected the punch.
"Shampoo no want Ranma!" she cried. "You no hurt Ryoga-
Airen!"
Akane paused, taking this in. "You're engaged to Ryoga???"
"Yes!"
Both girls looked at each other, breathing heavily.
"He's a pervert!"
"He take medicine, he well now!"
"He *used* me! He dies!"
"{Get over it, you neurotic little girl!}" Shampoo
exclaimed, moving toward the guys taking shots at the
Creature.
Akane, not understanding a word of the Uighur/Tibetan
dialect used by the Amazons, but knowing that the tone was
very unfriendly, decided to be insulted. "Hey!"
"What the hells is going on?!" Ranko Saotome's voice yelled
as she landed next to Akane.
"Shampoo and Ryoga - "
"Yeah, I know. He's also on medication. He's been wanting to
apologize to you for a few days now."
Akane blinked for a long time. Ranko sighed and grabbed her
arm to pull her toward the melee. "Come on, oneechan, you
can mull over it later. Ranma needs us!"
Akane pulled herself out of her self-absorption at the
mention of Ranma's name. She finally noticed the Pantyhose-
creature ... and Ranma fighting it!
Ryoga and Ranma kept up their attacks.
Ryoga would close and pound on it, and when the Creature
reached for him, Ranma unleashed ki-blasts, giving Ryoga
time to back away. Then, when it would head for Ranma, Ryoga
would rush it again. Then they repeated. Between them, they
kept the Creature busy for a while.
The Creature tired of these insects and their pinpricks.
Spreading its tentacles wide, a cloud of black, oily fluid
sprayed in all directions.
Ranma and Ryoga fell to the ground, coughing and sputtering,
blinded by the thick fluid.
As the cloud settled, tentacles lashed out like gigantic
whips, flicking the two martial artists into the nearest
walls.
"RYOGA!!" Shampoo cried out.
"RANMA!!" cried Ranko and Akane.
The two boys stumbled to their feet, out of breath, but
obviously conscious.
The Creature, seeing no immediate threat, turned to walk to
the canal. It just had a lovely vision of the Warden almost
drowning - over and over ...
"He's not looking!" Akane growled. "Let's kill him!"
"You nuts?" Shampoo insisted. "When we fight Pantyhose, we
get toss around like rag dolls!"
"She's right, Akane-chan. We can't hold Pantyhose!"
Akane should know this; she fought against Pantyhose Taro
before, with a mob of superior martial artists, and they won
only by dumb luck and a trick that wouldn't work twice.
But now, Akane saw only that her man had been hurt.
The Heart's Fire blazed in the night.
"JEIGOKU SEISATSU!!"
Akane's ki-blast hit the Creature in the back of the head,
causing it to turn and bellow its rage.
"{We are really [CENSORED] now,}" Shampoo whispered in her
native tongue.
"I completely agree," Ranko said. "But we have to save the
hostage first."
* * * * * * * * * *
The Creature noticed the three little female creatures
switch on their battle auras, shining brightly and providing
a nice glow to the wind-blown streets.
Easy.
The Creature spread its tentacles out again to spray the
girls. All three leapt up simultaneously, avoiding the
sludge and landing on different roofs around it. The
Creature whipped its head around, figuring out they were
going to take him on three sides.
It flung out a tentacle toward the purple-haired one, who
sprung into the air, somersaulted, and landed on another
rooftop.
The redheaded one released a ki-blast at the back of the
Creature's head, crying out something about thunderbolts. It
turned around, swatting at the girl as she twisted her body
out of it's reach and landed on a lower roof.
The dark-haired girl went unnoticed, until the Creature felt
something kicking its knee in superfast motions while
screaming something about chestnuts. It moved it's leg to
stomp on her, but the Amazon and the redhead both attacked
with bonbori and feet at it's face.
The Creature brought it's free hand up to smack the insects
from it's face, but both girls jumped up in time for it's
palm to slap it's own face.
Damnit, the female things are quicker than the male ones.
Like rats scurrying around.
Well, this is how it dealt with rats!
Tentacles whipped out, attempting to grab them as they shot
around in mid-air, delivering hits or ki-blasts.
"SHAMPOO!! AKANE!! NOW!!"
The red-haired and purple-haired females both struck the
Creature's wrist simultaneously with their feet, driving
their feet into the weakest part of it's wrist with all
their weight and strength.
The Creature bellowed, releasing it's grip and letting the
captive human fall toward the ground.
Akane jumped up, grabbing the limp young man in mid-air,
then running toward where Ranma and Ryoga were gasping.
The Creature was getting highly annoyed.
<Just whip that fire up, baby,> Ranko thought. <C'mon, blow
your cool ...>
* * * * * * * * * *
Nabiki watched from a distance as Akane rescued the
unconscious captive from th Pantyhose-creature. She was no
martial artist (a first dan in Judo didn't count as 'martial
arts' around this neighborhood). She had enough sense to
stay away.
"Mew."
"Bwee."
Nabiki looked down, seeing Neko-Shampoo and Buta-Ryoga at
her feet, gazing up at her plaintively. She glanced over at
the battle, and saw Shampoo fighting and Ryoga trying to
catch his breath.
<The mirror,> she concluded.
"Hi guys," she said to the mystical housepets. "Just try to
stay hidden until the disaster's done."
She glanced around the street ... there!
And coming down the street - Doctor Tofu!
He had intended to look for Ranko before she did something
foolish with the building storm coming. Instead, stepping
out of his offices, he found a battle taking place a few
blocks over. Knowing the Saotomes, they were in the thick of
it, including Ranko.
The doctor leapt up to the rooftops and dashed over them,
landing on the main drag where the Pantyhose Monster was
swatting at the female martial artists.
"Doctor Tofu!" Nabiki yelled.
"What's going on?" he asked.
She gathered up the cat and piglet in her arms and looked
back up to him. "Ranma and Akane must've had the mirror,
because these - " she lifted her arms up " - and that - "
she swung her head toward the Creature " - are not who we
think they are."
"I see," he remarked. "Get yourself and the animals away
from here, now."
"You're not - against *that*?" she raised an eyebrow.
He adjusted his glasses firmly and gazed at the battle.
"There are some things a man does when he finally realizes
he's in love."
With that, he ran toward the fray.
Nabiki looked after him, blinking, then made a face.
"Whatever you say, doc."
Tofu found Akane was trying to revive Pantyhose, and she
looked up at the doctor.
"Get him to the clinic!" he yelled.
"But Doctor Tofu! What about - "
"Take him to the clinic NOW! March, young lady!"
Akane silently lifted the unconscious Pantyhose up in a
piggyback, and made a run through the narrow alleys to
escape the Creature.
Tofu turned to size up the four story tall monster above
him, a Minotaur-looking beast that was desperately trying to
slap, grab, and tentacle whip the Amazon and the redhead
martial artists that were bouncing around it while
delivering ki-blasts and hits.
Ranko had taken the bull by the horns (so to speak, and it
was only one horn since she didn't have the reach of Ranma)
and was plowing one kick after another into the Creature's
face. Shampoo was clocking it with her bonbori in the neck
area, both avoiding getting hit by tentacles.
The doctor clasped his hands as if in prayer, summoning up
magical energy from the universe around himself. A green
ball of magic appeared before his hands, which he opened his
palms to hold, lifting it above his head.
"SHEEEEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
He released it straight to the Creature's chest.
Shampoo grabbed Ranko, both girls flying off the beast and
landing on a roof.
A roar filled the air, beating on their eardrums. They
crawled over to see the doctor springing up, landing feet-
first in the monster's gut. Tofu bounced off, back-flipped
in mid-air, jumped back off the ground and sent his foot and
fist at the Creature's chin.
Ranko stared in awe, feeling a deep blush cross her cheeks.
She knew he was a martial artist, but she had never seen him
in action. Such grace, such motion, such beauty -
"{Come on, stop drooling,}" Shampoo sighed, grabbing her
arm. "{We can't expect him to get that thing all by
himself.}"
"Yes, of course." Ranko shook her head of the trance and
followed the Amazon through the air.
Tofu already had the Creature properly pissed off. So - many
things were trying to protect the Warden. It remembered when
nobody liked the Warden. Oh, well, more things to crush.
Starting with one who was the most powerful.
The doctor looked up to see a hoof bearing down on him,
leaping out of the way.
"FLASH FLAME!" he responded, picking fireballs out of the
air and whizzing the burning projectiles at the beast. Bits
of hair caught fire, only to be stamped out by the
Creature's hands and tentacles. Another ki-blast hit the
back of it's head, while those damned ball things the
purple-haired one carried were being whacked against it's
eelhead tail.
The two ink-covered males jumped up and hit it in it's
stomach - recently injured and still tender. It flinched and
stumbled back a step.
"Nice you join party!" Shampoo cried, grinning at the doctor
and the two young men.
"Can't you kids ever stay out of trouble?" he asked.
"PHANTOM FIST!" An unseen force hit the Creature in the jaw.
"Not our fault!" Ranko replied. "DOKO RAKURAI!"
"Yeah! Just bad luck!" Ranma yelled. "MOKO TAKABISHA!"
The ki-blasts weren't injuring the Creature, but it was
being hurt. And getting really pissed off.
"Ko-chan!" Tofu shouted. "Is the ki hot enough?!"
Ranko looked at the Creature's billowing aura. "Almost
there! Hit it between the legs or something!"
"Nasty idea!" Shampoo objected.
Tofu had a better idea. He pulled up the spell and stabbed
two fingers in the air. "NEEDLE EYE!"
The Creature grabbed at it's face, feeling something similar
to red hot pokers being shoved through its eyes. In monster
tongue, it yelled something quite graphic about what it was
going to do with their skins.
Ryoga released a Bakusai Tenketsu attack at ground at the
Creature's feet, causing the monster to roar in pain as
shrapnel tore at it's legs.
Ranko grabbed Ranma's hand.
"You're helping me out on this one, Niichan," she told him.
He grinned, following her lead. "That's what brothers are
for, Imouto-chan."
Ranma and Ranko ran around the feet of the Creature,
increasing their sped steadily, becoming a blur of red and
black and blue as they spiraled in sync around the
disoriented monster's body.
Tofu's hands made a complex series of motions before him.
"STORM WARD!!"
Ryoga and Shampoo turned to run from the impending holocaust
- only to be stopped by a bluish-green bubble that suddenly
surrounded them.
"HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!" the Saotomes cried together.
The roar of the Creature was drowned by the roar of the
tornado that erupted around the monster's body.
Windows shattered, small shade-trees were ripped up, debris
filled the air.
A blue-green bubble with three persons inside was untouched,
the forces of the disaster washing over it without affecting
it or the people inside.
The Creature struggled against the elemental attack - then
leapt straight up.
The tornado dissipated slowly, but not before it was carried
out of sight.