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Ranma 1/2: Ranma's Horrible Secret - Part 3
By Jack Staik
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"Here, Ranma, eat up."
"Akane!" Ranma protested. "I can eat by myself!"
"Sorry," she said. "But you have too much starch in your
diet. You need more vegetables."
"Look at what a good wife my baby girl would make him!"
cried Soun. "And they won't let us marry them!"
"Ungrateful boy!" Genma snarled. "She treats you well, and
you don't even have the decency to marry her!"
<WHAM!!>
"Ite ..." quoth Genma from underneath the mallet.
"One more word from you, and we get a new panda-skin rug for
the den!" Akane snarled.
"I was just testy from hunger," Genma weaseled. "Kasumi fed
the rest of you, but I haven't seen one bite."
"Yes, I was wondering about that," Soun pondered. "Kasumi!
Where is Saotome's food?"
"Ranma's been fed."
"What of Genma? We can't let a guest starve!"
"Oh, *him*!" Kasumi spat, her voice dripping with contempt.
"Here!"
Genma looked in surprise as a pack of instant ramen bounced
off his head.
"Just keep him out of my kitchen - he's unsanitary."
Soun and Genma could only stare in open-mouthed shock.
Nabiki observed the whole mess with some amusement. She knew
about Akane's maternal urges - they'd tended enough birds
with broken wings and stray animals over the years. But
Kasumi's vengeful streak was new.
The human race could hardly be beat for sheer entertainment
value.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo waited on the rooftop, bicycle at the ready. She
scanned the streets, awaiting her Ranma.
The Plan proceeded as Great-Grandmother had outlined; being
treaded on casually, having his precious Akane turn her back
on him contemptuously, the combination of arousal and
debasement ... all carefully calculated. The foolish male
would have his spirit broken soon enough, and he'd be hers.
If he were in Joketsuzouko, he'd be in a locked room and the
process would take days. Here in the Outside World, it took
longer, but was no less certain. The 'brainwashing', as the
silly outsiders called it, was based on thousands of years
of tried-and-true procedure.
She spotted him, walking along the top of the fence, Akane
walking on the sidewalk alongside. Poor Akane ... in her
frustration and jealousy, she was making his conversion into
a proper male so easy! Every male-tamer should have an Akane
to help her.
Chuckling at her own thought, she launched the Bicycle of
Death.
The thunk as her tire connected with Ranma's head was
perfect, as was the second thunk as Ranma's head connected
with the fencetop.
"Nihao, Ranma! Airen take Shampoo on date? ACK!"
Shampoo gagged as Akane's hands squeezed her throat, her
vision graying.
"HOW DARE YOU HURT MY RANMA, YOU BITCH!! DIE DIE DIE!!"
Shampoo tried to pry the impossibly-strong fingers from her
throat, but couldn't get a grip.
"AKANE!! DON'T!!"
Akane abruptly released her death-grip, letting Shampoo fall
to the ground, gasping in great lungfuls of air.
"Are you alright, Ranma? Did that gaijin whore hurt you?"
<'Gaijin whore'? You'll pay for that!>
"I'm okay, Akane - she does that all the time. Stop that!"
"I have to check for head injuries."
"Dammit, Akane! Just because of some silly medical condition
-"
"It's not silly! And I can't help it! It's - instinct!"
Ranma took a deep breath. "Akane, I appreciate you getting
Shampoo off of me - really. But I am not made of rice paper!
I'm a martial artist!"
"I know, Ranma," Akane said. "I'm sorry."
Akane watched the annoyed Ranma suddenly become a calm
Ranma. <Nabiki's right - he doesn't stay excited very long.>
A thought struck her. <If having no sex drive means you
don't stay angry very long, does having long-lasting bursts
of temper mean ... nah!>
"You okay, Shampoo?" Ranma asked.
Shampoo staggered to her feet, trying to croak out a reply.
"Oh, she's fine," Akane said airily. "Let's get to school!"
"Urph!" Shampoo exclaimed as Akane's shoe stepped on her
face.
The Amazon struggled to her feet, watching her prize walk
off arm-in-arm with the Tendo girl.
Something weird was going on here.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ukyo slipped on her bandolier of throwing spatulas and was
ready for school when she heard a sound from her bedroom.
Dashing out of her bathroom, B.A.S. (Big-Ass Spatula) at the
ready, she burst in yelling an incoherent battle-cry.
"DON'T KILL ME!! DON'T KILL ME!! DON'T KILL ME!!" the
teenaged girl cried.
Ukyo stopped, the edge of the B.A.S. almost touching her
head.
"I know you," Ukyo said. "You're Kikuko - Nabiki's toady."
"I prefer 'special assistant'," she protested.
"What'cha doin' here, girl?"
"I'm only following orders!"
"And what would those orders be?"
"Ummm..."
Ukyo raised the B.A.S. again.
"I'LL TELL!! I'LL TELL!! Nabiki doesn't pay me enough to
take this kind of abuse!"
Ukyo looked surprised. "She *pays* you?"
"Damn little - and the kickbacks are murder. Not to mention
the taxes!"
Ukyo lowered her spatula. "Talk!"
"I came to get back all those Ranma-pics Nabiki sold you."
Ukyo thought about that. She had a good-sized collection of
pics of Ranma - in both forms (she liked that sort of
thing). She even had a picture of a naked male Ranma which
had cost her ten thousand yen; the jewel of her collection.
"Why does Nabiki want the pictures back? I paid her good
money!"
"She wants to destroy them! All of them! Everyone's running
all over town trying to get them all!"
That puzzled Ukyo. Why would Nabiki do *that*? She made a
good living off those pics, but she couldn't make enough
replacing them to make destroying them all profitable.
Ukyo thought about it as she heaved Kikuko out the window
... if she were destroying Ranma-pics, *why*?
Well, if it were *her*, Ukyo would do it because he's *her*
fiancee, but she wouldn't do it in the first place -
Inspiration kicked Ukyo in the head.
"THAT BITCH!!" Ukyo shouted. "Nabiki's wanting to keep Ranma
for herself!"
It was so obvious! Nabiki destroys all the Ranma-pics in
circulation, and not only does Ranma feel grateful (thus
lavishing all his affection on her), Nabiki keeps the Glory
Of Ranma all to herself!
"That's all I need - *another* damn fiancee! Well, the
little pornographer won't get away with it!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Akane and Ranma-onna came into the Nerima Family Clinic,
annoyed.
"Stupid old bitch!" Akane growled.
"Tell me about it," Ranma-onna muttered.
Doctor Nasaka (Doctor Tofu's replacement) came out upon
hearing the bell of the front door. "Well, hello,
youngsters. I see the old woman tagged you again, Ranma. Can
I help you - aside from the obvious?"
"Naw - just the obvious."
"Um, doctor? "I've been worried about Ranma's diet -"
"Akane!"
"You don't eat enought vegetables, Ranma! I was just
wondering if he had some vitamins!"
"No problem. Ranma-san, the water's in the usual place. I'll
get Akane's vitamins."
Ryoga Hibiki moved a bit, letting the bandages that Nasaka-
sensei put on stretch.
He *knew* that Ranma had done something horrible to Akane,
making her behave like that. There was no other possible
explanation for it.
He briefly entertained the possibility that Ranma put her
under a spell, but discarded it. That explanation would be
admitting that Tatewaki Kuno was right about something, and
that, by natural law, made the explanation wrong.
Ryoga heard a voice in the next room - Akane! Here! Perhaps
that brute Ranma hurt her!
Putting his ear to the door, Ryoga listened.
"Doctor? Do you know about Ranma's - condition?"
"The HSDD? Of course."
Ryoga strained. while he heard Akane alright, he couldn't
quite make out the doctor's deeper voice; a word ending with
'cee'? He cracked the door slightly.
"Well, I was wondering if you had any tips for taking care
of him?"
"Just try to not hit him as much," he chuckled.
"Oh, definitely! I'm not ever hitting Ranma ever again! Not
with *his* condition!"
Ryoga wondered. Ranma had a medical condition that made
Akane want to *not* hit him??
"Here you go, Akane."
Akane read the bottle's instructions. "Doctor? These are
marked 'Recommended for Pregnant Women'."
"I know."
Ryoga gasped. <Can't be...>
"But he's not a woman."
<But she didn't say anything about ...> Ryoga thought with
dread.
"Don't worry, Akane-san; that just means that it has all the
recommended vitamins in large doses. It'll work on men as
well."
The doctor noted the worried look on her face. "You just
found out?"
Akane nodded.
"And you feel guilty?"
"Well, yeah, kinda. I mean, if I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn't have banged on him so much."
"Yeek!" Ryoga exclaimed, slapping a hand over his mouth.
"It's like it's my fault!"
"You couldn't know, Akane - Ranma's condition is rather
exotic. Many doctors don't even believe that it exists."
"But will it ... I mean, what about ... *you* know!" She
blushed.
"You wonder if Ranma can still have sex, despite his
condition?"
Ryoga entertained thoughts of seppuku.
"Well..."
"He can still perform - he just doesn't want to."
Akane kept blushing. "I was - just curious. Thanks for the
vitamins, doctor."
As Akane left, Ryoga sank into his deepest, darkest
depression ever. All light left his world, and he shut
himself in the dungeon labeled 'Deepest Despair'.
"HOW CAN THE HEAVENS BE SO CRUEL?!?" he wailed. "RANMA'S
PREGNANT WITH AKANE'S BABY!!"
(To Be Continued)