C&C
Sorry this couldn't get to you sooner. I'm pretty busy
most of the time.
Oh, and I'm cutting and pasting, so bear with me.
Eclipse 5
: As a result, all five of the sailor
: suited heroines were freezing their...were very cold.
Awww, no nipple joke?
: Luna and Artemis, always there for the councils, had
: arrived and the discussion was running fast and
: furious.
Well, the Senshi were, I'm not sure the discussion was.
Try instead:
"Ohmygodthere'sabigfatmeanthingytryingtokillusoutthere
andheyVenusIcanseeyournipples!" Usagi said. Of course,
they had all accustomed themselves to the rather
excitable princess, and could easily understand her.
Venus blushed. Cold was bad. Yep, and staring, Artemis
was.
Time to kick some cat butt.
Sorry, couldn't pass the opportunity up. ^_^
Grammar note: shouldn't it be, 'running fast and
furiously' ?
: had a anti-pain spell
an
: pretty firmly of evil
I think 'as evil' would work better.
: fight scene's I've written. This was a dozy.
scenes, doozy (unless of course, you're using dozy as
the non-existent adjectival form of doze)
: Pandemonium reigned in the room holding the Great
: Scrying Glass. Diamond had left a few seconds ago to
: answer a call of nature, (it was collect)
heh, heh. heh.
: It also seems that this agent is about to loose.
lose
: Sodium was really getting into his speech now and
: loudly proclaimed his infallibility to the world.
I think you should replace the second 'his' with
Diamond, or whoever you're talking about in this
sentence.
: Topaz, ever willing to move which ever way the wind,
: opened his mouth
forgot 'blew' or, perhaps 'broke'
: Perhaps the most unusual thing was that in the twenty
: minutes of active battle, neither one had reloaded
: once.
active battle? ...cut back on the ff...
: Matoko
Yikes...this is pretty embarassing. At least its only
once, right?
: And Ami returned to eating herself.
^_- I don't think I should mention what I was thinking
the second time I saw this...(or the first)...
: The forces of evil at this particular moment were
: reloading.
Since you're referring to the 'T-101' as the embodiment
of evil in the next sentence, shouldn't it be 'force of
evil' ?
: There was a single light hanging from the ceiling,
: lacking any setting or ornamentation. It swung
: slightly, back and forth, on the cable which
: hung from the ceiling.
For the first sentence, I think you may want to put the
second clause in the description that talks about the
room itself, and not the light. For the second, 'hung
from the ceiling' is sort of repetitive considering you
mentioned that detail in the previous sentence.
: Sitting in a room remarkably similar to the one is
: nemesis
his
: He checked clock on the wall.
Minako no need time, or definite article!
: Mokoto
Umm.....see 'Matoko'
: No mysterious gun wielding strangers had
: appeared recently and the day was quiet.
commas needed
: I can't tell you how honored I am this our school got
: chosen for this quick story."
Well, I would say there's something wrong with the
sentence, but he is a *principal* after all. :-)
: The footage was broadcaster that night on the Eleven
: O'clock News. Almost one third of the national watched
: it.
'broadcasted' 'national (world?)'
And, 1/3? Isn't it in Japanese? And about a local high
school...? Why would...
Oh wait. Its about Ami. nevermind.
: Cyanide looked up from his weapon cleaning.
Oh my. ^_-
Eclipse 6
: I have just recently realised that up until now I
: don't think I've ever inserted a disclaimer. I now
: will.
:
: I was not the man on the grassy knole.
: I did not kidnap the Linberg baby.
: I am not really here. This message does not really
: exist. You are having
: a drug induced hallucination. What would your mother
: say if she knew
: this? Tsk tsk tsk. Go to Rehab you fool.
Yes, hallucin...Must, grassy knoll...baby...no, eat
baby, yuummmiieeee baby....
: The teacher was reviewing material hat she understood
: fairly well,
that
: She say she had a message.
I say she no have no message, or no right tense.
: She didn't know why, but she abruptly knew what
: he was asking for Ami Mizuno about.
Well, its not too 'hard'. After all; he's a got a big,
shiny, piece of metal in his hand, and he's ready to
'blow' Ami's brains out. I'm sure, if one grasped the
situation enough, one would come away quite quickly with
a titillating idea.
^_-
: Upon hearing the shot behind her, threw herself to the
: floor
That would be Ami, right?
: "Fuck me in the goat ass!"
Cyanide's Scottish?
: Cyanide tuned the rest of the transformation phrases.
For SailorMoon phrases, 24-7, tune in to
http://www.SailorMoon247/trnsfrmphrse.htm! We have your
selection of:"Mooooooooooon Crystaaaaaaaaaal
Maaaaaaaaaaaaake Up!"or even, "Venus Crystal Power, Make
up!"in the original Japanese. The only thing you can't
get is Sailor Saturn's, despite her being one of the
coolest Senshi in the entire series! *sob*
(The address is FAKE if you're actually typing it in...)
: The interesting thing about bullet wholes is that they
: don't go away.
But what about if you take out a bullet part? Then its
not a whole anymore.
: "Great. I'm getting a porn show from a bunch of
: thirteen year olds in the back of my van."
Fourteen, but actually, I guess he wouldn't know. But
shouldn't Cyanide have some basic info about them? And,
isn't he supposed to be swerving cars instead of looking
back there? Oh well, at least I knew it was sarcasm, it
would be hard to tell if you added 'kids'. (If you don't
get it, refer back to 'Cyanide's Scottish?')
-Yeah, its bad, so whatcha gonna do about it?-
: Can I at least get a "I no longer think you should be
: burned alive for having written this piece of trash"
: or so? Please?
No.
: Prior chapters will be available at
: http://www.execulink.com/~stryker
: where Strife is going to post them. Well, he will when
: I get off my lazy butt and make them presentable.
: Thanks Strife.
Mind if you sent me chap. 1-6 of this in the meantime? I
can't find several chaps of the story in my ffml file,
and hence only 5,6 are C&C'ed. (I have one, and two I
think, never loaded three or four, but I can't find
the ones I did load, except for five; six I lost again
but thankfully after I wrote this since I was stupid and
moved it somewhere in a zip file, so I can't exactly-)
I'll shut up now...
-Raf'maru
PinoyEva00@aol.com (FFML mail)
Manotomo@aol.com (Rafael Soria)