Hello again, folks.
As you can see from the subject, here's the first
draft copy of chapter 4 of Pagliacci. I'm sorry it's so
late, but the past eight weeks have NOT been easy, and
more than a little frustrating, with several trips to
the hospital, and lots of computer problems. (Fortunately,
never on both machines at the same time!)
Now the first draft is complete, aside from the
author's notes, and ready for you to read.
I hope you enjoy this chapter, and are willing
to send me any comments on it, or notes on bugs that
you've noticed.
Thank you, and have fun reading.
Ed Becerra
***************************************************************
5:38 PM, December 11, 1999
Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999 by
Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc.
Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work is not
intended to infringe those rights.
***************************************************************
Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2
Chapter 4
***************************************************************
Lilac patted Rin and Ran on their shoulders. <"It's all right,
girls. Chasing men is just like fishing. There's _always_ going to be
the one that got away."> She grinned. <"That just means you have to
get a little more bait, and throw your line into the water again.">
Cologne snorted. <"That's something I'm certain you'd know
about, Lilac.">
<"Be that as it may, Cologne, it's still the truth. I seem to
recall a certain Amazon who went chasing after an young pervert
once...">
<"I was trying to retrieve our village treasures, as you well
know, Lilac,"> Cologne said with some asperity.
<"That's not what Happy said the last time I ran into the old
lech,"> grinned Lilac.
<"As if you could trust anything the old pervert says,"> Cologne
replied.
<"True, true,"> Lilac nodded. <"Well, it's time we should be
going. I have someone to meet at the airport soon enough, and then
I have to see a real estate agent to close a deal. Rin, Ran, come
along, girls.>"
<"Ah, you did mention something about another business for the
village,"> said Cologne. <"Just out of idle curiosity, what might
it be?">
<"Idle curiosity? From you, Cologne? I'm hurt. Do I _look_ like
I've grown that senile in the past two years?"> The Healer smirked
at Cologne. <"No, don't answer that. Anyway, given your son-in-law's
propensity for destructive combat, and Shan Pu's nasty habit of
making her OWN doors into a building, I think it should be obvious.">
Cologne blinked in surprise. <"You don't mean...">
<"That's right. Chinese Amazon Martial Arts Construction and
Repair. Heheheheheheh! See you around, Cologne!">
The three-foot tall Elder skipped away, twirling her staff like
a band leader's baton, enjoying her latest opportunity to irritate
her rival.
Behind her, Cologne was staring at the Healer as she led Rin and
Ran down the street. <"Why do I feel a large headache coming on?>"
she asked rhetorically.
Lilac suddenly zipped back to the Nekohanten's door. <"That's
funny, I thought you would have felt one just _leaving_!"> Then she
sped back down the street, cackling maniacally.
Cologne sighed, and went into the back room to take a headache
powder. This was going to be one of THOSE weeks. She could tell.
* * *
Takuji held his unconscious wife in his arms, his eyes bulging
as he looked at the tall blond man standing in the doorway of his
home.
"S-s-s-son? Is.. is that YOU?" he stammered.
The gaijin's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry, Father. This is all
my fault. I have a curse now, just like Saotome."
"You turn into a tall blond girl, too?"
Gos wanted to facefault, but this gaijin body didn't seem to
know quite how to do it. It kept wanting to slap its forehead
instead. "NO, Father. THIS is my curse. This body."
Takuji nodded, confused. "I don't understand. But you will
explain yourself?"
"Can I get some hot water first, Father? I think Mother would
feel better if she saw me in my uncursed form when she wakes up."
"That.. would be a good idea, son. You do that, and I'll take
your Mother into the living room."
Gos re-embarked on his now eternal quest for hot water as his
father carefully gathered Oichi in his arms and carried her to a
waiting futon.
* * *
Oichi came back to the conscious world to see her husband's
worried face peering down at her. "Oh, Takuji.. I had this terrible
dream. Our son had come home, and when some cold water hit him, he
_changed_, just like that nice Saotome boy!"
A huge sweatdrop rolled down the back of Takuji's neck. "Uhhm..
Dearest? I'm afraid it wasn't.. quite.. a dream."
She lifted her head to see her son (in his uncursed form)
looking worriedly down at her. Gos hung his head. "I.. I'm sorry,
Mother. I lied to you."
"Why, son?"
All the frustration in Hikaru's heart seemed to break free all
at once. "Because I want to be a HERO! I want to be someone that
Tendo Akane can respect and fall in love with! I want to be
SOMEBODY!" His shoulders sagged. "So I took all the money from the
sales of my voodoo stuff and used it to travel to the same place
Ranma got HIS curse from. I wanted to get the curse from the Spring
of the Drowned Hero. I thought.. I thought I could use it."
"That huge blond gaijin was you, Hi-chan?" Oichi's eyes went
wide.
Gos looked even more embarrassed. "I guess I didn't think that
the Hero who drowned in the Spring might not be Japanese or Chinese."
This time, BOTH of his parents facefaulted.
* * *
"EEEEEEEEK!"
Seamus McGyver swore under his breath. I swear, I'm going to
have the boy castrated, just as soon as I can find a vet, he thought.
Then a _male_ scream of horror erupted from the knot of women
attempting to do their solemn duty to punish all perverts. The crowd
retreated to reveal a short elderly woman grinning evilly at a
desperately trying to escape Norton South.
"Aaaaaaaaaah! She _groped_ me!" Norton screamed.
Seamus nodded to himself and walked over. "It's been a while,
Lilac. How's life treating you?"
Lilac smirked. "Better than it's treating you at the moment,
Seamus. I take it that _this_," she poked at the quivering and
paralyzed lecher, "is yours? That student you told me about? He was
hard to miss."
"Unfortunately so," frowned Seamus. He looked Norton over
carefully. "I've never seen that particular pressure point before.
Secret Amazon technique?"
"Yup. So, how's things in America?"
"Same old, same old, Lilac. The kids get younger and dumber,
I get older. You know the drill." He offered the shorter woman his
arm. "Shall we go? I want to get out of here before they pound the
idiot to death, no matter how much he deserves it."
"I have a solution to that," grinned Lilac. She snapped her
fingers, and the twins rushed to her side. <"Rin, Ran. Find a baggage
cart. Here's some money to pay for it. Load Master Seamus's student
onto it and follow us. And for our Ancestors' sakes, do NOT let the
little molester get his paws on you. You'll regret it, and Master
Seamus will regret having to remove one of his students on your
account.">
Rin and Ran came to attention at the tone of command in Lilac's
voice. <"Yes, Elder! Right away!"> They took the money and headed
off to a store located on the airport concourse.
In short order, a still paralyzed Norton was bundled onto a
cheap luggage cart and towed along in the wake of the two Elders.
"So, Seamus.. how's Chiun?"
"Still training that Remo kid, last I heard."
"I'll bet he's still hooked on those American soap operas.
How about you? Still addicted to Japanese anime?"
* * *
Kanazuchi had tracked the trail of destruction to a small ramen
joint, the "Cat Cafe". He drew a deep breath and strode inside.
Taking a seat, he looked around.
Nice place. Lot of repairs, though. Looks like a number of
fights took place here, he thought. His trained eye picked out all
the carefully, even lovingly, done patches on some of the walls.
He was taken somewhat aback when what looked like a three foot
tall troll doll bounced up to him on top of a twisted wooden staff.
"What would you like to order?" asked the troll.
Maiku shook his head twice to clear it. "Some pork ramen, green
tea, and a little information."
Cologne's face wrinkled up into a smile. "The ramen and tea are
easy. Information.. ahh.. that costs extra, young man."
Maiku sighed. "It always does, honored elder. It always does."
Cologne laughed, and sent Shampoo for the order. She sat across
the table from Maiku. "So, who are you, and what brings you to the
madhouse known as Nerima? Perhaps a fat old martial artist engaged
his son to your daughter and you're searching to find them both, eh?"
The tea arrived, and Maiku took a long, calming sip. "No. What
I'm looking for is this person." He pulled out the photograph of
Gosunkugi's cursed form, as painted by Asuka's private artist. "I'm
a private detective and I've been hired to trace him and find out
all the personal details I can about him. Nothing more. And meaning
no offense, grandmother, but the sooner I can get that done and get
OUT of Nerima, the better I'll like it."
Cologne's grin spread across her face. "None taken, young man.
I quite understand." She looked closely at the photo. "He doesn't
look too familiar, but that doesn't mean much in Nerima. We have
obsessed martial artists, questing princes, and curse victims
wandering in and out of town on a regular basis."
Kanazuchi sighed. "Please, ma'am. I'm not as dumb as I look.
No one _could_ be. I've backtracked him to this restaurant.
I mean you and yours no harm. I'm merely a man trying to earn a
living."
The pork ramen arrived, and Cologne motioned him to eat up. "All
right then. If you tell me what you know, and tell me the truth,
mind you, I'll consider telling you what *I* know. I'll _consider_
it. Nothing more."
Maiku nodded, realizing that this was the best he was going to
get for the moment. Everything he'd learned about his Art (and he
_did_ think of it as an Art, with a capital letter) told him that if
he tried to get tough with this elderly woman, he'd be leaving the
restaurant as a heavily bruised lump of human meat. If he was lucky.
"It all started a few days ago..."
* * *
Dowel was smiling again. But this time it wasn't a happy smile.
It was the sort of smile people normally expected to see on the face
of a lunatic with a high-powered rifle. The sort of smile that sent
shudders down one's back.
<"Tao? What did I say about drawing attention to ourselves
while we're in Japan?">
Tao gave the group leader a defiant look. <"I don't give a damn.
They're just a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing, men, and just because
one of them wears a uniform doesn't give him the right to order me
aroun.. urk.">
<"That _man_ was a traffic officer, Tao. And if you had been
paying attention, you would have noticed that he was trying to WARN
you about the oncoming truck."> Dowel's voice had gone flat and
unexpressive. <"Not that your being crushed by a delivery van would
have been any great loss to me, but I'd have to explain it to the
Elders when we returned home, and that's tedious. Now understand
this. By decree of the Elders, I am LEADER of this band. That means,
in the absence of an Elder or other authority, I hold the power of
life and death over this group. And in _your_ case, I'm tempted
to exercise that power, Tao.">
Dowel unwrapped her fingers from around Tao's neck. <"Is that
clear, Tao?">
<"... yesss ..."> hissed the younger girl from a sore throat.
<"Yes, what?">
<"Yes.. Leader,"> came the reluctant reply.
Dowel nodded sharply, then turned to Sash. <"Do you think you
can deal with your anime problem long enough to watch over Tao,
Sash?">
The younger Amazon nodded. <"I think I have it under control,
Dowel. It's just.."> Her eyes dwelled longingly on a nearby
advertisement for a new anime. <"I think I can. For now.">
<"Good. And I promise, after this is all over and successful,
we'll see about a shopping trip for you. My word upon it.">
Sash grinned, and marched over to the unhappy Tao. <"She just
said the magic words, Tao. If you get out of line, you'll be
interfering with my chances to shop for anime. And I don't intend
to let that happen.">
Tao just gave a defeated snarl.
Dowel clapped her hands together. <"Okay, we haven't found him
or any trace of him in the area. Elder Lilac said that he's probably
going to head for Nerima. Why she thinks that, I don't know, but
she's the Elder, and much wiser than we are. So, on your feet. We're
off to Nerima.">
Mace and the others nodded. At least they had a target now.
<"Hey! Does this mean we'll get to see Elder Lilac? Maybe she'll
have a place we can stay. No more sleeping out in the fields!">
Cardamom nudged Mace in the ribs. <"You're an Amazon,"> she
whispered. <"You're supposed to value hardship as something that
builds character.">
<"And your point is?">
Cardamom sighed. <"Never mind.">
* * *
"You didn't even think to ask the Guide at the Springs if the
Hero was Japanese or not, son?" asked Takuji.
Gos shrugged. "I thought the map would take care of everything.
I mean, who'd have thought a WESTERN hero would have drowned in
China?"
This caused his father's face to briefly break out in a
Soun-type expression. (No. 387, "My child is an blithering idiot with
the brains of a Genma Saotome.")
Oichi looked fascinated. "Son? Would you dunk yourself again?
Please?"
Hikaru looked confused. "Huh? Again? I--"
"Please? For Mother?"
Gos shrugged, and stepped into the kitchen for a glass of cold
water. Returning to the living room, he splashed himself as
requested, and was instantly replaced by his cursed form.
To his surprise (and maybe a little dawning horror), this time
his mother's response wasn't a shriek, or a scream, or even fainting.
It was something MUCH worse.
"Oh, Takuji, isn't he CUTE?!" she squealed.
The two men of the family looked at her in astonishment, then
looked at each other, dumbfounded.
"Well, he IS," she said, hurt by their doubts. A long, happy
sigh escaped her lips. "My son is going to be a hero. A _cute_ hero.
Even cuter than that Saotome boy! Oh, I'm so blessed by the kami!"
She bounced to her feet. "We'll have to get you a second
wardrobe, one that fits, something suitably heroic looking. And make
certain you always have plenty of cold water on hand. And find you a
sidekick, and a few rivals, and a girl who obsesses over you but whom
you never notice.. oh, so MANY things!"
She rushed over to a desk, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen,
and began to make a list.
Takuji glanced over at his son. "Hikaru?"
"Yes, Father?"
"We're in trouble."
"Indeed, Father."
* * *
Cologne frowned slightly at what she'd just learned. The
detective hadn't given her a name, but from the description of the
painting, his client's likely identity seemed rather obvious to her.
The self-proclaimed "White Lily" hadn't spent much time involved in
the chaos that was her son-in-law's life, but what Cologne HAD
determined about the girl was that she was only slightly less
irrational than the Kuno girl. Something which, at the time, had
managed to mildly surprise her, as she hadn't thought that was
possible. She turned back to the detective.
"So you have no personal interest in the young man in the
photograph?" she probed.
"None at all, ma'am. As I said, I'm to find out who he is, where
he lives, a little bit about his background, and turn that information
over to the person who hired me." Maiku nodded. Then he raised a meaty
hand. "And before you ask, it's against my professional ethics to
compromise a client's privacy."
Cologne's wrinkled face twitched up into a knowing smile. "There
are ways around that, you know."
"I know," shrugged the detective. "I also know that you could
ruin my career with some of those methods, ma'am." He nodded towards
his cup of tea, giving it a meaningful glance. "And all that I can do
is to politely ask you not to."
"You're right about one thing," replied Cologne.
"What's that?"
"You are smarter than you look, boy. A little slow, but then,
all kids are," chuckled the Amazon elder. "And properly respectful
towards your elders. I like that. So I'll give you something for now.
Because I like you, and also for reasons of my own." She motioned
Shampoo to bring them more tea. "And because I think it will prove
entertaining, Mr. Private Investigator. You interest me."
* * *
Alan Smithee was in Japan. Not that he wanted to be, but as one
of the most prolific writers in Hollywood, the people who employed
him didn't want him burning out. And when the studio shrink said that
he needed a rest, he was ordered to take one. No ifs, ands, or buts
about it.
Not that he was a good writer, mind you. Just prolific. And
Hollywood, like any other industry, needed large amounts of manure
to fertilize things. So, Alan was packed up and sent on a month-long
tour of the Far East and told to enjoy it. Or else.
So he wasn't to do any writing, plotting, directing, producing,
or anything even remotely creative. This wasn't all that hard for
him, as most of what he wrote wasn't very creative to begin with.
At the moment, he was in "The Silent Room"; a lavish bar where
rich tourists and Japanese businessmen were spoon-fed sushi by lovely
looking geisha as they sucked up over-priced sake and imported
scotch.
But he wasn't having half the fun he felt he should have. He
leaned back slightly, his eyes wandering towards a window that faced
out on the street. That's when he saw her.
* * *
Dowel was leading the small group of Amazons north to Nerima,
trying to ignore the many Japanese men leering at them, when a short
Westerner dashed out of a building on the other side of the street
and started gabbling at her in some foreign tongue.
She frowned when he laid a hand on her fighting staff and kept
muttering something that sounded like "law les" over and over.
Lifting her staff into the air, she shook it briskly until the small
Westerner fell from it to the ground. Then she punted him across
the street.
<"Damn foreigners. Damn Japan. Damn _Men_,"> Dowel muttered.
<"Why can't the Elders come up with a way for us to have baby girls
_without_ needing any males?">
<"Because it wouldn't be as much fun?"> replied Sash.
<"Speak for yourself,"> interjected Mace.
All the other Amazons looked at her and sweatdropped.
* * *
Alan came to, his body aching from the impact with a wall.
Shaking his head woozily, he fumbled for his inadequate Japanese.
"That woman, woman who kick me, who she is?"
One of the passers-by shook her head ruefully. "That, honored
guest of our country, was a Nujiezu."
"A what?"
The passer-by tried to keep a straight face. "An Amazon, from
China, Amerikajin."
"Amazon? A warrior female, say you?" Alan blinked, pushing
his headache away for the moment. He couldn't afford to let it
distract him. Something IMPORTANT was happening, he could _feel_
it.
Then it came to him. Tall, over six feet. Strong. A woman
warrior. The hair looked naturally black, and she seemed to know how
to handle weapons. YES! He'd found the perfect stunt double for Lucy
Lawless!
With that, he gave a happy sigh and passed out again.
* * *
Nabiki was unhappy. Her various assistants in Furinkan had
informed her of a stranger, apparently a private investigator,
asking questions around Nerima. Worse, the person the private eye was
looking for was totally unknown to her. She had NO information that
she could sell! She found this less than satisfying.
She turned to the three girls she had summoned. "Atsuko? I want
you to get a copy of the picture this investigator's been showing
around. Choji, you're to find out the name of this investigator,
and get back to me _immediately_. Masakazu? I want you to spread
the word. Anyone talks to the PI without telling _me_ what they know
first, their debts come due immediately."
Masakuzu looked slightly confused. "What about students who
don't owe you anything, boss?"
Nabiki smiled coldly. "Tell _them_ that if they hold out on me,
they'll end up owing me anyway."
All three girls nodded and started away immediately. If Nabiki
wanted this, they'd deliver.
* * *
Gosunkugi had come, belatedly, to a realization. He was an
idiot. He'd put his foot so deeply in his mouth, he was suffering
from athlete's stomach. He tried to trace just exactly what event
had brought this fact to his attention.
Leaping into the cursed spring? No. Taking up voodoo? Nope.
Taking pictures of Akane without her knowing? Uh-uh. Pissing off
Ranma Saotome on occasion? Nah. Allowing his mother to discover
his curse?
Yep. That was it.
He was currently seated on a cushion, and his mother was
brushing his long blond hair in an attempt to give it "..a proper
windblown look, Hi-chan. All the heroes have it! You'll see!"
And the clothing was worse. It had taken her less than an hour
to find a set of what she considered 'proper heroic clothing', and
arrange to have it delivered. Gos was now wearing a pair of tan
leather trousers held up by a belt of crude rope, and a sandy-colored
sleeveless tunic. The matching leather and metal bracers on his
forearms accented the effect.
Yup, thought Gos. I look like what I am. An idiot.
His father returned from the front door, a package in his arms.
"Oichi, love, there's another delivery for you."
"Yes!" his mother squealed. "The tuxedo is here! Oh, Hi-chan
will look SO handsome." Her forehead wrinkled for a moment. "I wonder
how difficult it would be to obtain a Walther PPK. Hikaru will need
one to complete the look."
Her husband and son both sweatdropped. "That-- might be a little
hard to do in Japan, Dearest," said Takuji. "Guns _are_ illegal
here."
"We can't let a little thing like the law stand in the way of
our son's heroism," declared Oichi. She took the tux from the box,
placing it on a clothing stand and admiring the effect of the light
playing on the silk of its lapels. "We'll just have to call the
Emperor and have the law changed for our son."
"I don't think it will be quite that easy, Dear-"
Oichi whirled and cut him off. "Our son is a hero now, and he's
going to REMAIN a hero! I don't care WHAT I have to do, I will SEE to
that!"
Takuji backed away slowly, and was struck by the sudden thought
that the way he felt at the moment was probably a lot like what his
occasional drinking buddy Genma felt when Nodoka was in the vicinity
with that damned sword.
Mother was right, he thought. I _should_ have married that nice
nisei girl from San Francisco, but noooo, I wouldn't listen.
He gave his son a helpless look and carefully retreated to the
front door. There was a nice bar only a few blocks away, and there
was still plenty of time to drink himself unconscious before things
got totally out of control.
Gos glared in impotent rage at his cowardly father, then
shuddered as his mother opened another package. From this one emerged
a leather jacket, a pair of jeans, a old-style fedora and a bullwhip.
"Oh, MY! They got my order just right!" Oichi sighed happily.
"They look JUST like those in the movie."
Gos buried his face in his hands. Perhaps if he begged VERY
hard, he could get Ranma to beat him to death?
* * *
Maiku was fascinated by the information he'd been given by the
Amazon matriarch. And a little repulsed. Nerima was even more insane
than the newspapers gave it credit for.
He sat in the coffee bar, thinking over his next move. He wasn't
fool enough to trust the Elder blindly, but if this Tendo girl, this
Nabiki, was as sharp as Cologne seemed to think, then she'd present
difficulties in the days ahead.
Not that a child could obstruct him for long, but it wasn't as
if he could just brush her aside. He considered the situation for at
least two more cups of coffee and another doughnut, then it came to
him.
What would Mike Hammer do in a situation like this? frowned
Maiku thoughtfully. He rubbed his chin as he pondered. Mike would
treat Nabiki the way he'd treat any other PI, he thought. As an
honorable opponent, with respect for her skills and abilities.
He paid for the coffee and headed for his Plymouth, then an odd
thought struck him.
A great many private eyes eventually ended up with kid
sidekicks, mentoring them along the rocky road of the detective
business. Was it possible...?
Nah.
* * *
Lilac was beginning to think that, aside from a few rare
exceptions like Seamus, the entire male portion of the human race
suffered from extreme brain damage caused by testosterone poisoning.
The Japanese real estate agent she was currently _trying_ to speak
with was treating her as a) a woman, and b) a gaijin, and worse yet,
c) a CHINESE gaijin. In fact, the annoying little man kept turning
to Seamus and making snide wisecracks about men who let their women
tell them what to do.
To her surprise, Seamus appeared to be holding his temper in far
better check than she was. Then, he leaned over and whispered
in her ear.
<"Do you want to kill him, or would you rather I do it? A Healer
really shouldn't get her hands dirty.">
Lilac tried to keep from smirking. <"Your late wife taught you
that it's the male's duty to handle the disposing of piles of horse
manure, I see.">
<"Well, that, and I'm getting rather tired of his little smirks
about America being the SECOND most technologically advanced country
in the world.">
Lilac laughed, surprising the agent. <"No, this one's on me,
Seamus."> Her staff whipped out, faster than the human eye could
perceive, stabbing at a certain spot on the agent's foot. The young
man yelped in pain.
"In case you're interested, boy, that shiatsu point I just poked
is going to leave you incapable of telling ANY untruth at all until
it wears off. Which will take several months."
A look of horror entered the agent's eyes. "I.. you.. but.. " He
clapped both hands over his mouth and stared at the short Amazon.
"Don't stutter, child, it makes you look most foolish. Now,
would you like to stop cheating us and sell us a building in Nerima?
Or would you like me to walk out of here, leaving you with a nasty
case of compulsive honesty? I figure you'll be out of business
in a week, and totally unwelcome in Japan in two."
The young man gabbled for a few moments in shock, then made a
desperate grab for his coat. "This way this way I have something
for you it's reasonably priced and centrally located near the Nerima
ginza it's just what you need you should like it no need to pay me
for the service just CURE ME PLEASE!!"
"And _that_, Seamus, is how you handle real estate agents.
Also works on lawyers, used car salesmen, and some politicians,"
chuckled Lilac.
"Only some?"
She shrugged. "This shiatsu point only affects those who are
capable of telling the difference between fact and fantasy. It has no
effect on pathological liars."
"Pity, that."
"Can we GO NOW?! I have other people I want to cheat!" exclaimed
the real estate agent, who then gasped and shoved his fist into his
mouth.
"It's very entertaining," smiled McGyver. "You'll have to teach
me that one someday."
* * *
A cel-phone rang in the Springfield Maximum Security
Correctional Facility for Men. (Appropriate, no?)
Bob Terwilliger reached down from his upper bunk to answer it.
"Hello, this is Robert Terwilliger, whom do I have the pleasure
of addressing?"
"Moshi, moshi, Saidushou-san wa irrashaimasuka?"
Bob blinked, and checked the phone he was using. Yes, it _was_
the unlisted special number. Who could possibly be calling him from
Japan?
<"Ah, yes, this IS Sideshow Bob. Please speak slowly. I don't
understand Japanese very well, madam.">
<"Ah. Pardon me, Sideshow-san. I understand you run Villains
R Us, a business that finds jobs for unemployed master villains
and super villains?">
<"That is correct, madam. You're in the market for a good used
villain then?">
<"Yes, I am. My son has just become a new hero, and I wish to
find him an arch-enemy as soon as it is possible.">
Bob blinked. Then scratched his head. <"Excuse me? You wish to
hire a villain to be your son's _enemy_?">
<"Yes. Is that a problem, Sideshow-san? I can pay extra, if it
is.">
<"Ahh.. not really ma'am. As long as you can afford our prices,
we can deliver. And we have villains in every price range. Would you
like me to fax you a price list?">
<"Yes, please! Do you have a budget listing? Or perhaps some
villain just starting out? My son is just getting started himself,
and I really wouldn't want him to over-reach himself with his first
arch-rival.">
Bob was lying on his bunk, and he was an American. Therefore,
face-faulting wasn't possible. He did, however, sweatdrop rather
severely. Then he swung his legs down from the bunk and dropped
to the floor. Stepping over his brother to a small filing cabinet,
he pulled out a folder.
Running his finger down to the bottom of the list, he grimaced.
<"There aren't many, ma'am, but there are a few. Can you afford at
least $5000 a year?">
<"Yes, that would fit in the household budget nicely. Is one
available?">
<"Ahhh.. yesssss.. there's one available."> Technically,
Bob wasn't lying. There was one available. Just one. <"I'll fax you
his resume and selected career highlights along with the rest of the
price list, if you like.">
<"Thank you, Sideshow-san! I am most grateful for such swift
and convenient service!">
Terwilliger bit his lip _hard_, and converted the almost
hysterical laughter that wanted to emerge into a business-like
cough. <"Right away then, ma'am. And it's been a pleasure serving
you.">
He waited till the woman had given him her fax number and hung
up. Then he sent the price list she'd requested, as well as the
resume and the (somewhat edited) career overview of the 'villain'
in question. Once this was done, he phoned to explain the situation
and advise his client that there might be a job available for him if
he was willing to relocate to Japan.
He thought about sleep, but made one last phone call before
returning to his bed. Out of courtesy, mostly. That, and he REALLY
wanted to be on this person's good side.
* * *
Somewhere in Metropolis, New York, a thin bald man with green
eyes was bouncing happily on his mattress.
"I gotta job! I gotta job! I gotta job!"
A fist pounded fiercely on the wall of his cheap apartment.
"Dammit, Irwin, it's two friggin' am in the morning! SHUT THE F***
UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP!"
* * *
Elsewhere in Metropolis...
Joe Gunn had been a janitor for nearly 40 years, most of it on
the midnight to six am graveyard shift. In all that time, he'd had
one employer. The biggest and best newspaper in town. He was proud
of that.
He'd seen it all. From the fear and terror that gripped people
during the depths of the Cuban missile crisis, to the joy and awe of
the first lunar landing and the first space shuttle launch.
It took a LOT to surprise Joe.
Which is why he didn't even blink an eye when he exited the
elevator only to see the best reporter the Daily Planet ever had,
dancing wildly on the top of his desk and singing "CELEBRATE
GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!" at the top of his voice with joyous abandon.
He just went about his job cleaning the floor and emptying
waste baskets.
"Heh. That Mr. Kent. Whatta wild man."
* * *
In a small hotel on the largest of the Falkland Islands
(actually, it was the ONLY hotel), two tourists from Tibet were up
late, playing whist, when they got a phone call from New York.
"Hello? Oh, good evening, Stephen. How's Wong?"
"Really? Please tell me you're kidding."
"You're not. Thank you for the warning, Stephen."
The elder monk turned to his student. "We're going to be staying
here a little longer, lad. And PLEASE don't ask me why. I don't want
to think about it. We're going to stay as far away from Japan as we
can." He looked at his hand of cards, and threw them down in disgust.
"It looks like it's going to be one of THOSE years again."
* * *
Lilac and Seamus stood in front of the smallish building that
the real estate agent was anxiously presenting to them.
<"Think you can do something with it, Seamus?">
<"No problem, Lilac. As long as I can get the materials,
there's nothing that I can't do."> He struck an overly dramatic
pose. <"NOTHING CAN STAND BEFORE THE MIGHT OF A MASTER OF THE
IMPROVISATIONAL COMBAT ENGINEERING SCHOOL OF MARTIAL ARTS,
McGYVER-RYUU!">
Lilac broke up laughing. <"Okay, Stud-boy. Let's get started
before you give yourself a hernia. You're not as young as you used
to be.">
Seamus gave her a sheepish grin. <"But it sure felt good to do
that one more time, Lil. It's been a LOOONG time since the Flying
Tigers.">
<"I suppose so. Let's pay Mr. 'I Can't Tell A Lie' here, and
sign the papers. We're going into business!">
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