This was a nice fic. Weird, but nice. Since I haven't read the first part
I didn't quite get everything that was going on, but..
Anyways, heres some quick C&C
"Would you mind getting out of the way?" she snarled.
"Little Lady, please escort yourself from the presence of I, Tatewaki
Kuno, the Blue
escort? the sentence makes no sense to me
..
Thunder of Furinkan High School," Kuno said proudly. Unfortunately, he
didn't bother
to watch the glowing red girl in front of him.
"WHAT THE F*** DID YOU SAY?" the redhead growled.
"As expected, such foul manner from the peasant that you are."
Kuno is being awfully rude to a cute girl here.. OOC, unless previous
chapter gave
some reason..
"PEASANT!?"
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!" The redhead charged Kuno with pure rage.
Weird. Why?
within the blur. <<Kami-sama! They're going to kill Kuno. I got to stop
this.>> Akane
They? Well, maybe she thought there were more than one..
Akane looked at the figure and stomped toward it. Though, she didn't like
Kuno,
she had never in her life attacked him that seriously. She was going to
give a peace of
a piece of
her mind at the reckless of this girl's action. <<I don't care who you
are, but you're not
going to get away with this.>> "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING"
You were, you're implies 'you are.'
The figured ignored Akane and turned toward the entrance.
figure. drop the d
Akane quickly grabbed her shoulder and forced the girl to face her. As
soon as she
saw the pure hatred and cold stare, she knew she made a big mistake.
Akane audibly
makes little sense. use something like "pure hatred and coldness in the
girl's eyes"
"she knew she had made"
gulped at the sight. A cold shiver ran down her spine.
Without word, the redhead turned and left the area. As soon as she was
out of sight,
Akane drew a few nervous breaths. For the first time in her life, she was
scared.
First time? not very likely.
Terrified was more like it. The hatred she saw in the redhead's eyes
plagued her. She
wasn't certain what happened to the redhead, but she knew one thing for
certain, she was
had happened
as the fight started, she left immediately and called the hospital. For
some reason, she
knew that pompous head Kuno was in way over his head and if the fight
didn't stop,
Hmm.. "Computer, activate the Deus ex machina"
Kuno would probably be dead. Who ever that redhead was, she needed to
know. Both
whoever
problem with the sentence "she needed to know" points to "that redhead"
for her family safety as well as everyone else.
family's
noticed a boy with pigtailed standing at the front of the class. From
the way he stood,
either "A boy with a pigtail"
or "pigtailed boy"
she knew he was a martial artist. Unfortunately, he was a boy and she
hated boys. Just
why "unfortunately" ? I don't think Akane thinks it's unfortunate she hates
boys.
to talk to him about the redhead. If they're really siblings, then maybe
he could talk to
they were
perhaps "maybe she could ask him about"
He thought about disciplining the new student for the foul language, but
the coldness in
the voice stopped him. <<I'll just ignore it this time.>>
maybe "the coldness in his voice"
Unfortunately, it's the same tree that Akane sat with her friends.
It was
Some distance away, Akane and her friends were talking about today `big'
event,
today's
namely Ranma and the redhead girl. Most of the topic came down to his
attitude and
how much it resembled the redhead. Lost in their conversation, they
didn't noticed
redhead's
a lotus position and eyes closed. Suddenly, she noticed a dark red aura
surrounded
either " noticed as a" or "surrounding"
Ranma and disappeared. Seconds later, the aura reappeared with the same
color, but
much denser.
knew about it, but ignored it since it's pretty common. Common for him.
What he didn't
it was.
know was the growing crowd that came to watch. Some with fear, others
with curiosity
had come
"H-How dare you turn your back in my presence, commoner!" Kodachi
screeched.
The Kunos are being awfully rude..
Everyone at that time wisely decided to move away from Kodachi. Ranma on
the
other hand continued to walk away completely ignoring Kodachi and her
ranting. Just
then, his sixth sense kicked in and he leaped out of harm's way.
"I suggest you leave before I give you a free visit to your idiotic
brother," Ranma
warned.
Add here what the harm was. please.
"Ranma warned as he glanced at the hoop embedded into the school wall"
or something..
"Yeah, and only a psychotic moronic fool would stand there," Ranma
snickered.
Drop the psychotic. Ranma doesn't know the Kunos yet that well ^^
to class where she found Ranma seating at his seat staring out the window.
She noticed
sitting, not seating.
Akane was very relief when the last class came around as she quickly left
the room
relieved
while the boys watched
More likely the boys did something that didn't require all of them at once.
It makes
absolutely no sense to spend 2 hours in a gym class sitting.
Akane sighed in relief as he left the field. She wondered if she should
go and
apologized to make sure there was no hard feeling and that he didn't come
back for
apologise
revenge or something similar. With a heavy sigh, she walked off where
Ranma last
disappeared. As she reached the top of the hill, she found Ranma walking
by the pool
and almost tumbled down the hill at the sight of a soak red head. She
quickly gathered
soaked
Akane `eeped' and jumped away from the source and took up a fighting
stance.
She found damped Ranma standing loosely and his expression hard, eyes
staring at her
a damp Ranma
Ranma snickered and waved his hand, "It's nothing. I had worst, much
worst."
worse, much worse
Wit that said, he turned and walked deeper into the building.
With
Akane watched him for a moment and rushed after him. "Wait!"
Ranma never paused, "What now?"
Rather, "Now what?"
Ranma walked up the stairs until he reached a large living area. From the
scene, it
was recently cleaned and made livable. She watched him removed some items
from a
Remove. I sense a tachyon flux here...
years ago. There were still some old sofas, wooden chairs, and tables
left standing or
were partially touched by the fire, but wasn't worth repairing. She paced
around the
left standing or where is not a valid expression.. Maybe if you changed the
"left standing or"
bit into..
Dunno. This doesn't work.
room while keeping Ranma at the corner of her eyes. He was cooking some
rice and
fishes.
Rice and fish. "fish" works as a cooking substance here.
thought about and realized that she didn't know. She should had left
after apologizing to
him and forget she ever met him. So, why was she still here? Was she
curious? Maybe.
"Forget she ever met him"? why? they go to the same school and all..
By the time she reached home, it was almost diner and quickly went into
the
dinner. Ain't sure about that, though. Difference with American-english and
British-english?
bathroom to clean up. As she left, she found Nabiki standing at the door
with an intent
intent? maybe you meant "intense"
"For what? What could be so bad that you need to do something so stupid?"
To this Ranma, I think it would have been more stupid not to apologize ^^
"I-I hit him with a baseball," she whispered. Somehow the reason didn't
seem so
strong right now.
...I thought it was a softball..
"Who cares! I could care less if a car hit him."
If it was Akane driving?
"Right thing!? Are you crazy? He's dangerous! You could have been hurt
or even
kill for that matter," she yelled in anger. It wasn't like her to loose
her control so easily,
killed?
How come? Ranma hasn't done anything bad without provocation.
but what Akane was totally reckless and she needed a good scolding.
"what Akane did was..."
...That's Nabiki's opinion. I think Akane did the Right Thing(tm) ^^
"I can take care of myself! I'm a martial artist too!" she shouted
defensively.
...why is she defending her martial arts skills to Nabiki? drop the cliche
... er, "too" from the
sentence..
Nabiki cried in frustration, "You might be a martail artist, but there's
no way in hell
you can take him on. So, shove that stupid martial art pride of your and
think logic for a
yours, logically
moment. He took out Kuno Kodachi like it was nothing. He hit a girl! So
don't even
think he'll hold back against you!"
Akane never thinks people are holding back against her. She was totally
fooled about
Kuno because of her ego. BTW, I don't think furinkaners know about Kodachi's
skills
beforehand...
Unless you altered that too..
Akane looked dejected with her head lowered. She knew she wasn't in
league with
Ranma, but she didn't like to be reminded of it, especially by her family.
hm.. This seems like a clip from a canon fic.. doesn't fit well with this
alt.uni.
"I have great news from a old friend of mind," he said happily.
an old friend
father, and she does, that friend will be some fat freeloading bald guy
with a big appetite,
and she did, that friend would be
Fix that tachyon flux capacitor..
which mean the income will be strain even more. If that were the case,
she would have to
meant , would be strained, if that was the case,
find new source of income. With Kuno in the hospital, she won't be able
to gather
wouldn't. In canon Nabiki doesn't supply money for herself, btw. Afterall
she has
bankcrupted the dojo more often than once. (Check out the Kinnosuke Kashaou
story)
"He and his son have been on a ten years training trip and have recently
crossed
on a ten year.. or is it ten-year.. bah, just use" on a training trip for
ten years"
China," Soun continued.
"You shouldn't have crossed me", China growled as she leveled the pulse
rifle at Genma..
At the mentioned of `Ranma', but Akane and Nabiki gasped and stared wide
eyes.
drop the but.
no, not butt!
Argh!
"You know know."
know know knee now know know
"That's spirit," he said, completely missing the undertone.
the spirit
w can you prevent that?
how could she
"I guess you're right."
*eep* Wrong!
"Let me worry about the detail, but I want you to stay away from him."
details
abandon building, sweat coated his forehead and hair. He swallowed the
lumped and
the lump
"I'm so sorry, Ko-chan. I'm so sorry," he whispered between his sob. His
body
sobs
emotion and sat still. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a
photograph of a red
emotions
hair girl in blue silk shirt and black pants. He traced the face and his
control whimpered
control whimpered?
over to the broken window and stared at the morning sun as it peaked over
the hill.
did you mean "peeked"
"Yeah, I know. Stay away from him," she repeated with slight annoyance.
hm.. maybe "Yes, I know".. more feminine.
It's the males that mumble
"Mumble mumble buggerum. millenium bugger and shrimp"
The two sisters walked along the canal in silent until Akane spoke, "What
happened
to the Kuno?"
Kunos
"Of course not," she shouted. "Even though he's a jerk, I don't think he
deserve to
deserves
be hospitalize or worse."
hospitalized
stable condition. He has fractured bone on his left arm, cuts, bruises,
concussion, several
a fractured ..
or maybe just "a fracture on his left arm"
broken ribs and one of them gazed his lung.
gaze-->stare
use graze
Nothing serious, though.
????
> "She's in psychiatric care. After they took her hospital and fix her
up, they tried to
fixed
talk to her, but all she did was laughed her head off. It didn't take
long for them to come
laugh her head off
you." She gave a quickly glanced to her sister before running ahead.
she quickly glanced
or
she gave a quick glance
She took a deep breath and prepared to dash into the mass when she noticed
something
out of the corner of her eyes. She looked toward the roof and found Ranma
hopping over
the rooftop in a casual pace. Moments later, he landed near the front of
the gate with his
maybe "over the rooftops"
"Our Keno's Captain Kuno Tatewaki."
Kendo Captain
In answer, he and those behind him drew a katana from behind their back
and took
drop "behind"
drew katanas from their backs?
dunno.. kinda awkward.
"Are you willing to die for your captain?" Ranma asked politely as he
matched
before the group.
Matched before?
"W-What does that have to do about anything?"
Guys are waving katanas and ask such stupid questions..
Ranma paused in his step and glanced side way, "Because I will kill you in
a
challenge," his voice was cold. Before anyone could grasp the meaning, he
darted into
...maybe 'combat' instead of challenge
the crowd faster than the eyes could see. Several metallic sounds echoed
through the
either "the eye" or "their eyes"
morning and flashes of metal flickered in between the group. Once the
echoed die,
through the morning?
echoes
Gah.. no time for more.
There were more misspellings, though..
All in all a nice work, a bit cliche'ed use of language, although not much
cliche's in the
story.
the errors.. were you tired when you wrote this? there are sentences which
begin a
certain way and end differently, like if they weren't fully formed when you
wrote them..