Private Bet #13: This is just not your Lucky Day
by Shade
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
Thanks to my prereaders who suggested
several of the ideas that come into play.
Especially Gregg Sharp, who came up with
the Bet concept in the first place.
~~~~~~
-Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
Somewhere out there a blonde Galaxy Police
detective stumbled upon a secret gathering
not meant for mortal eyes.
"Oh my."
Somewhere in that general vicinity a Bard
wept as he cried out those four most useless
words in the human vocabulary.
"It's not my fault!"
Somehow an unintended entry was made.
No one knew how. With Mihoshi anything
was possible.
And somewhere not too far away, a certain
entity of Chaos in the form of a wee little
elf was laughing his head off.
~~~~~~
-And so it begins......
Soun Tendo looked at the long awaited
postcard with teary eyes. He read it aloud
again, still unable to fully believe that the
dream was finally going to be made real.
'Hi Tendo, Bringing the girls from China. -Genma.'
At long last, the two houses would be joined!
Time to tell his son the good news!
"Ranma! Ranma!! Where is that boy of mine anyway?"
A check of his son’s favorite places
yielded nothing. He wasn’t in the dojo,
nor in his room, even the furo was empty.
Then he slapped himself mentally, he’d
forgotten the most obvious place of all.
Soun went to check the kitchen.
But he only found his wife there, cooking what
promised to be a splendid dinner if the delicious
smells emanating from the stove were any indication.
Not for the first time, the middle aged martial arts
instructer thanked his lucky stars that Nodoka had
agreed to marry him.
Now all he had to do was find.....
"I think Ranma’s outside playing with one
of his friends again."
{How does she do that?}
"Dear, please tell him to come inside before
he catches a cold from the rain."
It was amazing how well she knew him sometimes.
Twenty years of marriage and he was still being
surprised, it was part of the reason why he loved
her so much.
~~~~~~
-Not too far away
The clashing of wooden bokkens was quite
audible, but the residents of Nerima paid no
attention to the spectacle. They had become
used to it over time and it wasn’t even worth
betting on anymore, everyone knew who was
going to win. In fact, people would have
probably been more worried if there wasn’t a
fight. The clashes had become so routine that
some of the locals were setting their watches to
them.
"Die foul Sorcerer!!"
"Every damn day it’s the same old thing Kuno!
You’d think that after ten years you would come
up with a new speech or something!!"
"Silence fiend! I will free the girls of
Furinkan High from your vile clutches so
that they may all date with my glorious self!!"
"You know Tatewaki, you really make me sick
sometimes. Treating others like they’re things
for your acquisition, what kind of a man are you?"
"Insolent peasant! The great house
of Kuno has...*gurgle*......"
Perhaps the reader is wondering why the long
and tedious speech was cut off even before
it had begun. Well, being knocked out cold
by a well placed blow to the cranium tends
to be very effective at inhibiting verbal rants.
Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Debates
rule number #2. If logic and reason prove ineffective
in winning an argument, properly applied violence is
the next best thing.
"Yadda yadda yadda. If you were half
as good a fighter as you are an idiot
I *might* have something to worry about.
But you’re not, so I don’t."
Ranma gave the unconscious buffoon another smart
rap to the head with his bokken just on general principle.
Tatewaki Kuno had to be the most pigheaded hentai
nutcase in the entire Universe, if there was someone
actually even worse then he did *not* want to meet them.
Ranma stepped back a little and wiped some of the rain
off of his face. Although it wasn’t coming down any harder
then a medium drizzle, it was still enough to leave him
soaked to the skin and freezing. Yet another thing to
be angry at Bokken Brains for.
He waved at a nearby bush. It was perfectly
undistingishable from the other bushes except
for one thing. Most foliage doesn’t normally
have a pair of binoculars sticking out of it.
"Yo, Sasuke!"
A moment later the shrubbery sprouted
arms and legs and waddled over.
"Poor master Kuno."
The mousy household ninja shook his
head sadly at the pitiful sight. Then he bowed
in apology toward Ranma.
"I’m terribly sorry about this master Saotome,
I didn’t think that he’d actually try to fight a duel
in this weather."
"Don’t worry about it. But make sure that you give
me some advance warning next time one of the
Kunos comes this way."
"Certainly."
Ranma handed Sasuke a cloth-covered bundle.
"Mom baked some of her cookies for you. You
were looking a little thin the last time you came over."
Sasuke turned grateful liquid eyes to the heavens,
after weeks of nothing but rice gruel and water he was
going to at long last experience the sensation of Nodoka's
peanut butter chocolate chip cookies once more.
"Oh thank you! Thank you!! Your generosity is so
overwhelming!! My life is yours to command!!"
"Forget the flattery and just get him out of here."
Sasuke bowed once more before starting to drag
Tatewaki back to the Kuno estates.
"Achoo! *Sniff* Man, I’ll be glad when
I get into the furo."
Ranma Tendo, age seventeen and three quarters,
started to walk back to his family’s home.
~~~~~~
-Meanwhile, approaching Ground Zero.....
It was the oddest bunch of strangeness that the people
here had seen in quite some time. Considering that they
lived in Nerima, that was saying something.
But it wasn’t every day a frantic Panda being chased
by a angry gorilla and what looked like some foreign
girl all bundled up so that only her eyes and the underside
of her nose were exposed. Especially when the gorilla
was packing a giant mallet which it was trying to
implant into the panda’s skull without the use of an
anaesthetic.
"Oogh! Oough!!"
It was like watching a live action
of that old video game, Donkey Kong.
Except instead of a overweight plumber
under attack, it was an overweight panda.
"I don’t know these people. I don’t know these
people. I don’t know these people....."
The young woman kept chanting it like a mantra
over and over to herself. Not that she didn’t also
harbor some private and rather violent ideas
concerning the Bamboo Bozo, but not out in public
like this. This was so embarrassing, why couldn’t
her little sister ever learn the meaning of the term
"discretion"?
Genma ran.
He ran very fast.
If he was really, really lucky he just might make
it to the Tendo Dojo before his youngest
daughter turned him into a panda-skin rug.
Run Genma, Run.
~~~~~~
-An alley by any other name....
‘MEOW!’
‘HISS!!’
*KABONG*
‘YIPE! YIPE!!’
"Scat cats!"
Ranma waved his bokken threateningly at
the retreating felines. Those mangy little
alley scavengers were always picking on
the weak and the helpless. He hated bullies
of any species.
"Hello. What’s this?"
He could make out a small fuzzy white form
partially underneath some old cardboard
boxes some shopkeeper had been too lazy to
dispose of properly. As Ranma reached for it,
the animal started to back up into a corner.
"Come on, I won’t hurt you."
Gradually he coaxed the shivering creature
out into the open and finally got a good look at it.
"It" turned out to be a dwarf usagi, with long floppy ears
and a cotton puff tail. Big brown eyes looked back
at him with a woebegone expression in those soulful
depths.
"You’re a cute little thing, aren’t you? Hey, you’re hurt!"
Half-dried streaks of blood were crusting around three
nasty looking scratches on right hind leg. In addition,
it kept shivering uncontrollably. It wasn’t just because
it was trying to stay warm, Ranma realized. It kept
shooting terrified glances in the direction that
the felines had fled, then turned a long beseeching
look toward him. The poor thing was still scared
of those cats!
Now what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t just
leave it here, those felines would finish it off easily.
But his parents had a little problem with animals,
the only ones allowed were the carp in the little
pond in the backyard.
"I really can’t take you in, I mean Mom and Dad don’t
allow pets, if they find you I’ll be in big trouble. Come on,
don’t look like that, I’d really like to have a cute pet like
you but....."
It just kept staring at Ranma,
causing him to fumble his saving
throw against cute fuzzy attacks.
"Aw, who am I kidding? Come on."
Almost as if it understood him, the bunny hopped
into his outstretched arms.
Cradling the soggy little critter with one arm, he used
his free hand to unbutton the top of his chinese shirt
just enough to slip the waif inside so that only its furry
little head poked out next to his neck. Ranma could feel
its little heart start racing, even though his body heat
should have had the opposite effect. That was a bit odd,
and he subconsciously logged that event down and filed
it away for future contemplation.
"You’re going to need a name if I'm going to keep you."
When he looked down he saw that the rabbit
wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying,
it was too busy snuggling closer in an attempt to
maximize the amount of warmth it was receiving.
"Since you’re an usagi and a kinda tiny one at
that.....how about U-chan?"
U-chan sneezed.
"I’ll take that as a yes."
~~~~~~
-Now where were we?
Coming down the home stretch was
the fat panda in first, the evil tempered
gorilla a close second and the mysterious
female in a comfortable third place far
enough so that people wouldn’t think she
was with the sideshow act.
Genma *almost* made it.
A hundred yen piece lying on the street was
his undoing. Happosai had trained him too well.
He just couldn’t resist slowing down long enough
to snatch it up. It only slowed him down a tad,
but that was enough.
The ape seemed to be grinning as it brought the
hammer of justice down.
*CLONG*
~~~~~~~
-Are we there yet?
A puzzled Ranma looked around.
"That’s funny, I could have sworn I heard
someone ringing a gong. Oh well, must
have just been my imagination."
He continued walking toward the Tendo residence.
There was his father waving at him from the gate.
Fortunately he was still too far away for his little
passenger to be seen.
"Ranma!"
"Yeah?"
"Your mother wants you to come inside and I also
have something very important to tell you. Hurry up
and get in the house."
"I’ll be there in a minute."
He wondered what had his father in
such an excited state this time.
{It better not be another one of those stupid
"get rich quick" deals. I swear, if he’s sold me
or the dojo again he’s going on a one way trip
to Low Earth Orbit.}
A knowing grin slowly broke his brooding expression.
{That is, if Mom doesn’t get her hands on him first.
It’s like she’s got a sixth sense or something for
detecting when Dad’s done something really stupid.}
Ranma walked quickly toward the house and stepped inside,
glad to be out of the rotten weather outside.
Another involuntary sneeze blasted forth.
*Achhoo!*
As if summoned by the sound Nodoka Tendo’s
voice came from the vicinity of the kitchen.
"Change out of those wet clothes and
meet us in the living room Ranma. Your
father has an important announcement."
"Yes, mom."
{How does she do that?}
Ranma knew better then to go against
her orders. His mother could always
tell when it came to that sort of thing.
It was one of those mysteries that would
forever baffle males.
"Looks like getting you settled in is
going to have to wait a bit, U-chan."
He marched up the stairs to a door
with a horse sign hanging on it. The sign read
"Ranma’s Room: Challengers go to the Dojo, Girls
please knock before entering"
After putting the little dwarf rabbit
safely out of the way on a chair the
young man started to undress.
U-chan’s face started to turn bright pink as
its floppy ears reflexively came down over its
eyes. A moment later one ear moved slightly
to the side, allowing it to peek.
Not noticing this unusual behavior,
Ranma finished stripping off his
wet clothes and started to dry himself
with a spare towel. He promised his
complaining body a nice long soak in the
furo after the family meeting.
A drop of red dripped from U-chan’s nose.
Quickly donning a chinese style oufit almost identical to
the one he’d been wearing earlier the Tendo lad started to
pick up and put away the wet clothes. A thought suddenly
hit him and he turned toward his new pet.
"I’ll try and sneak up some carrots or
lettuce when I get back if I can. You
must be hungry after all that excitement."
At the mention of the possibility of food
the rabbit’s eyes widened pleadingly.
An embarrassing gurgle sounded from
the vicinity of its belly.
"Okay, okay. I’ll make sure to bring you
back something to eat."
{That’s a pretty smart bunny. Must be my lucky day.}
"Ranma!"
"Whoops, sounds like I’m wanted downstairs.
See you soon, U-chan."
Ranma dashed out, slamming
the door shut behind him.
U-chan stared at the door, then it heaved
the rabbit equivalent of a sigh.
{Oh dear. Now what am I supposed to do?}
~~~~~~
-In the street
"Ooga. Ooga Oogh."
"No, I don’t think it would be a good idea for
you to go in first. The Tendos might misunderstand
and we’ve already had more then enough trouble
on this stupid training trip as it is."
The last was emphasized by several viscious
kicks aimed at the ribs of the unconscious Panda.
"Stupid old man."
The gorilla nodded. At least they could
agree on *that*.
"We need to find someplace to stay.
Then we can start looking for our sister."
"Ooga Oough?"
"Yes, I won’t forget the hot water either."
The panda started to stir.
*WHAM*
Genma collapsed once again as the young woman
put away her oversized mace back into the recesses
of her cloak.
"Might as well get this over with.
The sooner we can change back
the better."
With that the figure started walking to the gate.
The gorilla quickly hefted the
unconscious panda over its shoulder
and follwed.
~~~~~~
-Tendo House
"YOU DID WHAT?!"
Surely he couldn’t have heard his father
correctly?! It had to be some kind of mistake!
This couldn’t be happening to him!! Not again!!!
"...Genma’s a very good friend and it
seems that he and his daughters recently
undertook a training trip to China."
Ranma slammed his hands down
onto the table before standing up.
"FIANCEE?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
MIND?! Didn't you learn anything
from that fiasco with the Chardins?!
It was a damn lucky thing that they
didn't even have a daughter!"
"Ranma! Control yourself!!"
"I’m sorry, Mom. But how
can he keep doing this me?!"
"That's no excuse for yelling
at your father. Even if he's done
something incredibly stupid."
"Thank you dear. I think."
The look should have warned him
that Nodoka wasn't finished just yet.
"After all, that's *my* job."
*Gulp*
Soun started sweating like crazy as
his wife pinned him mercilessly
under the steady glare of Doom.
It made Ranma feel much better.
Even if she did have some pretty weird
ideas about making him into a "man among men"
(whatever that meant) he could still count
on her being against every stupid idea his
father had. Everyone knew who *really* wore
the pants in the Tendo household.
Sensing from long experience that his parents
needed some time alone the young martial artist
started to quietly tiptoe away from the tension
building in the room.
"I think I'll just go take a bath."
"That's an excellent idea! That way
the Saotomes can see you at your best!"
"A-na-ta. I-need-to-talk-to-you."
Ranma couldn't get out of the room
fast enough after hearing that.
{Oh shit. Mom's using the *Voice*.
She only does that when she's *really*
angry. Dad's a goner for sure now!}
~~~~~~~~~
-Have you any last words?
Soun Tendo was not a particularly religious man.
After training under the Master one simply
couldn't believe in much of anything anymore.
But now Soun found himself mentally invoking every
half-remembered childhood prayer and invocation
he knew as he beheld the awesome spectacle of a
Valkyrie come down from Vahalla to claim his soul.
Well, actually it was just Nodoka with the
beginnings of what would probably be one fine
specimen of a battle aura once it was complete.
But it had practically the same effect on him.
"I thought we agreed last time that
our son wouldn't be forced into any
arrangement against his will?"
"But Dearest!"
"But what, A-na-ta?"
Soun couldn't prevent a cold shiver
from running down his spine, he knew
he was treading on thin ice now.
"It was for the sake of the School!"
"The same school that you refuse to
teach to the dojo's students?"
"Well..."
"The same school that you said brought
only pain and misery to you and Genma
during your training?"
"Um, you see...it's...."
"The same school that *lost* to my
family's "Flying Heaven's Honorable Sword Flow" style?"
"Urk..."
"Well? Aren't you going to say something, A-na-ta?"
The great martial arts master whimpered.
There was no escape. He was doomed.
It was the 11th hour and the governor wasn't calling.
*Knock**Knock*
"Hello? Is anyone home?"
Salvation. A stay of execution had been granted.
Soun seized the chance like a drowning man who'd
just been tossed a life preserver.
"Come in! Come in!"
The figure who walked into the room was undoubtedly
female, her prominent attributes were impossible
to hide despite what looked like several attempts
to do just that. Anything else was unable to be
made out as the woman was wrapped from head to
toe in a colorful assortment of rags and cloth
bandages.
"Ano...who are you?"
Nodoka was betting that this
was somehow Soun's fault again.
All the weirdness that entered
their lives could always be
traced back to him eventually.
{This is the only way. They'd find
out sooner or later. Better get it
over with now and hopefully keep the
shocks to a minimum. I just hope they
don't try to burn me at the stake like
all those idiots back in China.}
Hesitating for only a moment, the figure
started to slowly unwrap the strips of
cloth hiding her face from view.
When she was finally done all that the
Tendos could do was gape in astonishment.
After all, its not every day that
a Drow elf walks into your house.
A very beautiful one to boot.
"I'm Nabiki Saotome. Sorry about this."
~~~~~~~
-Welcome to Wacky Land
*Achoo!*
In the bath proper Ranma Tendo
felt a chill as he had a sudden
premonition that his semi-ordinary
life would never be the same again.
He was right.
-To be continued...
*$*$*$*$*$*
Shade
Holy Knight of Mihoshi
Ranger of the Crossover Fiancees
As soon as she finished unraveling the knots in the tangled
threads of fate and destiny and pinpointed where in the
past/present/future the screwup had taken place the guilty
party was going to learn *why* it’s not conductive to one’s
continued good health to get on Sailor Pluto’s bad side.
But first...
"Damn it!! I need some ASPIRIN!!!"
-Private Bet #8 part 3 (Coming Soon)
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