Please C+C, the official release for this episode is New Year's.
--RST
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: MAT2k101.txt
The date: 1-1-2000, broadcasting from a satellite orbiting a little-known star
known as Proxima Centauri. Here, a truly mixed group has been exiled to watch
and read bad anime fanfiction. Imagine, if you will: a girl, sentenced to here
by the FFML populace, for starting her fanfics and not working on them
further. A soul who was sent here by the kami as protective custody from his
accidental victimization by one Arthur Dent. And finally, transported from far
into the future; The devil himself, BILL GATES.
We bring to you a conclusion to last week's cliffhanger
[Previously, on Mystery Anime Theater 2000]
[Suddenly, a klaxon goes off, and a display with eight 7-segment LEDs starts
blinking "OSCARFIC"]
REBEKA: Oh shit, we have Oscarfic sign!!!!
[And now -- The conclusion]
[Author's notes: This copy of "Artemis's lover" was extracted from episode
1-02 of Mystery Science Theater 6.7. However, Megane screwed a little with the
formatting so i had to reformat it, so if anyone knows where i can get an
unmodified copy that'd be much appreciated]
"Artemis's lover"
REBEKA: This is CRUEL and UNUSUAL punishment!!!! [Turns to Cambot] Tell the
FFML that I _DEMAND_ to have my sentence shortened by a year!
by
REBEKA: [praying] pleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleas
edon'tbepleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeos
carpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpl
easedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleased
on'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscarpleasedon'tbeoscar......
Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"
REBEKA: AAAARRGH!!!!
AGRAJAG: What's so bad about this 'Oscar?' is he a reincarnation of Arthur
Dent? hmm... name sounds like Arthur...
[Remember here that in this MST continuity, Bill Gates is the devil.
GATES: oscar... one of my worst creations. he disgusts even me.
E-mail= oscaralfonso@hotmail.com
REBEKA: Gates, would you happen to have a mail-bombing program?
GATES: Sorry, no-go. the address is fake.
Author notes:
Hi, i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old,
REBEKA: Taking bets on whether 'it' is really 13, or a 40-year old pervert
GATES: You're insulting 40-year old perverts!
REBEKA: OSCAR IS INSULTING 13-YEAR OLDS!!!!
and this is my little white companion, Artemis. Anyway Artemis & i,
AGRAJAG: I see oscar is using lowercase pronouns for itself. I approve.
REBEKA: [mode: alt.religion.kibology in-joke] I heartily endorse this product
or service.
are much more than just amaster and a pet , its more like a human-cat
relation. Cuz when i'm home alone....well....i...him...we...well
"have sex" actually we just masturbate each other. But it's amazing,
REBEKA: Sick. sicksicksick. sick.
it's like this cat can talk!, he comes every night to my bedroom
door, and starts meowing, until i let him in, and when he does, he
starts meowing a little softer and purrs, shall we say "erotically".
Until i get with him on the bed and goes down my crotch trying to
shred my underwear!.
AGRAJAG: yuck.
Unbelivable, but true, that's why i called him Artemis.
Intro: "Hi, i'm Oscar". "And i'm Artemis, Minako's ex-white cat"..."
GATES: I wasn't aware that Artemis had gotten a dye job.
we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each
other, and well how we lost our virginity. Oscar's an Hermaphrodite,
AGRAJAG: Oh goddess, make it stop!
[You can hear a faint echo from the past: IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!]
i.e.=a boy that has a dick and pussy (with clit and everything) at
the same time!!imagen that!" "HEY!!!SHUT THE FUCK UP ARTEMIS!!"
REBEKA: I thought they were in love
GATES: Well, he -is- a hermaphrodite, maybe he's P.M.S'ing?
"Oops!sorry, Oscar" "Well, nevermind Artemis,soooo let's get on with
the show!"
GATES: Mood swings. DEFINITEY p.m.s.
REBEKA: *types into her dictionary to look for the word soooo*
Artemis's lover:
GATES: That was only the prologue??!! it's worse then I remembered!
The day was unusually fresh, for being June/2/97 , Oscar was walking
on a lonely street, only with a Sprite bottle, and a WWF magazine.
His toughts were racing on why he was so depress, he had always spyed
on the sailor scouts, ever since luna caught up with Usagi, but most
of all, when Artemis joined the group. He always tought "Why am i
obsesed with that cat?" he than realized he had a crush on Artemis!!
AGRAJAG: Doesnt he mean 'then'?
REBEKA: Get used to it.
, even tough he was a boy, even tough Artemis was a cat.
AGRAJAG: tough luck.
But not an ordinary cat that is. He then squeezed the bottle so hard,
it blew up, soaking his shirt, his pants, and his tennis. He was
upset to know that he was in love with a cat! He knew were Minako
REBEKA: He doesn't even use standard conventions for self-insertion.
lived, her adress, her phone number, and her P.O.BOX. He said to
GATES: Address and PO Box? Isn't that Redundant?
himself "I'll do it...but i'll probably hate myself in the morning"
AGRAJAG: Well, everyone else hates you, you might as well join in.
he ran to his house, ihis bedroom, and started to write a letter to
Artemis, sending it to Minako's place.
The next day, Minkao checked the mail and gasped when she saw an
envelope that readed"To:Artemis From:.......".
REBEKA: I'm not gonna say it.
AGRAJAG: His name is ellipsisellipsisdotdot?
She then yelled "Artemis!", Artemis still asleep, yawned and stretched the
last bit of sleep from his beautyfull little body ."What is it Minako?" he
asked,still asleep.
"Artemis, you have a letter!" said Minako,giving him the envelope. "WHAT!??"
[You can hear a faint echo again, from the previous inhabitants of this
sattellite: SHE SAID, YOU HAVE A LETTER!!!!]
he gasped "How can someone know my name, and my hability to talk?"he said
shreding-open he envelope, and said to Minako "Minako-chan, could you leave
me alone for a moment?". "Sure" replied Minako, stepping out of the bedroom.
Artemis readed the letter that said:
"Dear Artemis:You don't know who i am, don't know what i am, don't know
anything about me. But belive me......i know everything there's to know about
you... i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me.
Some day, some time, at the right moment, we'll meet.and i'll have you. Until
then see ya!
AGRAJAG: I thought he -wasn't- gonna see him until then.
REBEKA: Don't think about the fic too much. Remember what happened to Servo?
AGRAJAG: [nod]
REBEKA: Well, since your a.i. is in your head, you're not replaceable.
AGRAJAG: [gulp]
Artemis gulped hard, and shivered, thinking that i would kill him. Minako
entered the bedroom and said"Artemis, is everything all right?" Artemis
looked whiter than usual "Yes quite fine" and left the room with a
sigh.Minako looked for the letter but he had thrown it to the window.
REBEKA: erm... fur doesnt turn pale. and his skin wouldnt be visible [i hope]
AGRAJAG: Remember, it's visible when Luna blushes in the series...
"I hope he's all right" Minako said stepping into the shower.
AGRAJAG: yep... just a nice, quiet, relaxing shower. nothing to worry about.
REBEKA: That's dark.
Artemis knew that he'd better be on the look out, if someone tried to kidnap
him.He had the same secuence in his mind, every second it passed.
GATES: Translation: Wincing at the image in his mind, he had sex on the brain.
REBEKA: [to Cambot] Well, viewers... Looks like our team officially has a
Hentai.
Asking himself things like= "Who's that person?" "Is he good or evil?" "What
he'll do to me?".
AGRAJAG: He'll chop you up into little kitty pieces!
REBEKA: Feeling dark today?
AGRAJAG: is it MY fault that ARTemis and ARThur start with the same letters? i
can't HELP identifying one with the other!!
REBEKA/GATES: [sweatdrop]
Around 9:00 pm Artemis showed up at Minako's house,curved up into a fuzzy
ball and went to sleep. The next day Artemis woke up to the sound of
chriiping birds "Damn birds"he said
GATES: Sorry, no.
woking up.He got up before Minako did, so he went for a walk. Unfortunatelly,
Luna caught him, "Hello Artemis,why are you so concerned". Artemis replied
"Well luna, last day i recieved a letter from a secret person" Luna gasped"
WHAT?!? That's impossible, no one except our sailor scouts know our name's
and hability to talk"
REBEKA: And your inhability's to spell and use proper grammars.
Artemis still upset responded "I know...it told me that, it liked me since it
saw me, and that some day i'll meet it" Luna sighed "Well, lets hope that's
not the negaverse." Atemis looked at luna and said "CAN'T YOU THINK ANYTHING
THAT'S NOT THE NEGAVERSE?!" he frogned and left her.
REBEKA: Okay, so what happened with Artemis and Luna, and what do Atemis and
luna have to do with this?
"Luna said to herself "Poor Artemis, it's not his fault" and just continued
her path. Artemis was too perturbated to notice the 6 cats that were hcasing
REBEKA: s/per/mas/
GATES: heheheh... she said 'masturbated'
him. "Damn! i hate being such a sexy cat!!" Then a loud MEOW filled the air
ALL: Trust me, they're not after your ass in -that- way.
Artemis turned his back, and saw the other cats him "GET FUCK OFF MY BACK!YOU
BASTARDS, I'M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD TODAY!"
he said as he prepared his claws and teeth to fight, he knew that he'll lost,
REBEKA: hmm.. the future imperfect tense... how quaint.
but he couldn't just let those cats kick his butt without a fight. The fight
was rough, those cats began ripping him off, cutting him in the stomach, his
arm, his leg, his back and his ear. (OUCH!) Oscar was aruond that fight,
returning from a baseball game, with his bat on the shoulder. Artemis was
already badly wounded, and bleeding to death. Oscar passed by the alley were
Artemis was. Oscar gasped as he instantly recognized Artemis, he took his
bat and ran to help him, he hitted 3 cats simultaneusly with it.
REBEKA: hmm... hitted, readed.. looks like this fic's written in Newspeak.
BOOMSHACALAKA! blood spurted out from the craneum of the other cats,he
GATES: [in pseudo-native-american voice] me hit-um cat-um with crane-um.
actually broke the head of the one that wounded Artemis! The cats laid
around dead, as Oscar grabbed Artemis, and huged him tightly, while covering
GATES: I don't think that you can huge someone tightly....
AGRAJAG: i am huge, of bork. prepare to have your ass laminated.
[A faint echo comes from a usenet server: "bork! bork! bork!"]
REBEKA: Oh no, you've summoned the swedish chef! Kibo help us all!
KIBO: You called?
REBEKA: No, just mentioning your name. wanna stick around a while?
KIBO: Nah.
REBEKA: One question! Do you still.... grep... usenet..? [trails off as he is
already gone]
him with his shirt, Artemis saw Oscar and he said weakly "W...Who are you?"
then every thing went black...Oscar, with tears in his eyes, said to Artemis
"Don't worry my dear Artemis, you'll be allright". Artemis woke up to the
sound of a door closing.Oscar saw this and said crying "Artemis!!Thank god
AGRAGAG: -dess
[echo from previous inhabitants of satellite: IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!]
you're alive!!" Artemis tought "How does he know my name?" Artemis just
meowed Oscar hearing this said "Oh Artemis, you don't have to pretend with
me. It's all right you can talk". "Who are you?"Artemis asked still sour from
GATES: Well, he must taste pretty bad when Oscar blows [WHAM!]
REBEKA: [Puts away mallet] Not that I disagree, but I can't be seen to condone
your hentai thoughts.
the fight. Oscar took a deep breath...and said "Artemis, i'm that guy who
sent you that letter". Artemis gasped "WHAT?!?
[Getting into the same spirit of things as the previous inhabitants]:
ALL: HE SAID, HE'S THE GUY WHO SENT YOU THAT LETTER!
So you're the one!". Oscar looked a little scared and said "Sorry Artemis, i
didn't meant to scare you. But how could i said my feelings to you in
person?" Artemis coughed "hmmmm.. .you may have a point there" Oscar looked
him straight in the eyes and said "Artemis, i....i....love you. ever since i
saw you, i knew it was our destiny
REBEKA: To become pokemon masters while playing the crappy Viz theme song all
day
to be together" Artemis got a little embarrased and said "I some how, feel
the same for you Oscar, but doesn't it matter that you're a human and i'm a
cat? Oscar blushed and said"Well Artemis, i have a little secret you
know...." Artemis looked him with an evilly smile "Hmmm. What secret?" Oscar
took another deep breath and said "Artemis..i'm an HERMAPHRODITE"
REBEKA: So how does that solve the human-cat problem?
GATES: Yeah, i know. of course it'd solve the male-male problem somewhat, but
not the human-cat problem.
Artemis went wide eyed "NO KIDDING?". Oscar said "No" as he started to
undress, Artemis was paralized, as he looked Oscar's dick, and below that his
pussy,
AGRAJAG: I thought artemis was the pussy
REBEKA: we don't NEED bad jokes!
Artemis had a goofy smile on his face. Oscar gasped "Uh? Oh you
PERVERT!!" and slapped him silly
GATES: Um... if he's in love with artemis, wouldnt he want him to be staring
at his pussy?
"MEOWUCH!!". "Oops!sorry Artemis, how could i stay mad at you?"
GATES: Mood swings. definitely PMS.
he then said "Now look Artemis, your wounds will get infected if i don't
clean them,ok?" Artemis happily said "OK". And so Oscar turned the shower on,
Artemis went inside with Oscar,and cleaned his soft fur, Artemis enjoyed
Oscar's tact, rubbing his fur with a desinfectant soap, while purring softly,
he didn't like baths very much, but this was with his lover, so how could he
resist a bath with his true love? Then, they laid in the bed all stretched
out, with Artemis's wounds now closed. Artemis broke the silence saying
"Soooo" Oscar replied "Soo what?" Artemis said evily "Are you still a
virgin?" Oscar responded a little embarrased "Why yes, in fact i have been
GATES: masturbating like the pathetic little boy i really am.
REBEKA: Save the wackylaces for usenet.
saved myself for you...my love" Oscar said, as he hugged Artemis and kissed
in his lips, Artemis eventually opened his mouth letting Oscar's tounge to
play with his. Oscar then went south, caressing all of Artemis's parts along
the way with his tounge. He didn't care for his fur.And reached his little
dick,stroking it with his fingers, and licking it as if it was a clit.
GATES: [covers eyes] I CAN'T LOOK!
REBEKA: We'll all stop looking until the sex scene's over.
[Sorry to use the same gimmick Megane did, but i wasnt able to find a copy of
the sex scene]
AGRAJAG: Is it over?
REBEKA: [hits Gates] Check, you idiot!
The next day...Oscar woke up and didn't saw Artemis anywhere,he grew
GATES: It's over.
concerned, "Artemis!?" he shouted to see if he was around, he looked
everywhere, but only found a note that said
"Dear Oscar=I went over to Minako's house to talk about what just happened
between you and me, i'll be all right, i'll return for about 10:00am. Love
you Artemis
AGRAJAG: Right... i'll just go over there for a nice, relaxing, shower....
GATES: Nothing to worry about... heh heh.
REBEKA: (@baps Agrajag and Gates) I told you, I didn't SEE that movie!
It was 9:35am. when Artemis returned, Oscar asked him "Soo, how did
everything went?" Artemis responded "Well...it was hard to Minako and the
others tho admit, that i was in love with a hermaphrodite, but they at the
REBEKA: 'though' or 'to'?
GATES: Who cares, doesn't make sense either way.
end understood. even Luna" Artemis sighed . Oscar said "Well,i'll protect you
in every battle you go with the sailor scouts" Artemis looked happy to hear
that "Thanks Oscar, You're indeed a great person....and boyfriend" Oscar
replied "Right" and they went to the kitchen to eat.....
GATES: What is it that Artemis ate again?
AGRAJAG: [turns green]
THE END
ALL: [Cheer]
.....FOR NOW
AGRAJAG: Oh no, not again!