Hi,
My comments##
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 22:50:35 -0800 (PST)
From: Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> | Block
address
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][Lime] Centaur chapter 4: The Thrill
of Victory
Centaur is a sequel to The Taming of the Horse.
Centaur/Taming of the Horse webpage:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
This chapter's for Allyn Yonge, writer of many wonderfully vivid
stories featuring Akane kicking butt. :)
##Obviously the author is a person of great perspicacity, taste and
discernment. There is little need to read further to know this is a great
piece of literature that should be in everyone's HD. ^_^
{Thank's for the compliment. <blush>}
Thanks to Dave Roeder and Darniil Entroth for prereading.
C&C, positive or negative, public or private, gratefully accepted.
~~~~~
Centaur
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu)
Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999
by Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan
Inc. Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work
is not intended to infringe those rights.
Chapter 4: The Thrill of Victory
~~~~~
"Saotome Akane-san." Kogara-sensei pulled a test paper out
of the sheaf she carried and handed it to Akane. Akane glanced
at the red-circled number on the front, grimaced, and quickly
placed the paper face-down on her desk rather than paging through
it to see what she'd gotten wrong.
##^_^ I know that feeling.
Personally I think it reads better w/o "grimaced". Her expression/feelings
are implied in the rest of the sentence. IMO "grimaced" disturbs the flow.
<SNIP> some very nice stuff.
"I got an 85! All right?! Can we forget about it now?!"
Akane quickened her pace, but Ranma kept up with her easily.
"Woo-hoo! All that studying finally paid off!" she caroled,
dancing around Akane. "89! I finally did better than--" WHAM!
"--you. Ow."
##Cute. Perhaps a slightly different structure::
I finally did better than--"
WHAM!
"----Owwww."
{ I rather like the way Iteeee looks, but that's a minor point.)
I'd also leave off the "you", that's implied.
By the time Ranma had pried herself off the wall,
##Ummm, I'm missing chp. 3 which may explain why Ranma is "herself."
I'd probably not recall after a while at any rate. If you can't work it into
the story you might have a brief _what-has-gone-before_ to bring readers
back up
to speed. (OTOH it might not be that important to the story. ^_^ )
Akane was
gone. Ranma ran after her, figuring that she was heading for the
usual place outside where they ate when weather permitted, but
when she arrived in the courtyard Akane was conspicuously absent.
##:( I don't like generic "usual place outside". People _think_ in
specifics. Ranma
has a picture in his head or , possibly, a name as well of the "usual
place". IMO it
works better in the narrative to name/describe the place.
<SNIP>
The grounds of St. Hebereke's
##NOW I remember why Ranma is "herself" ^_^
were extensive and well-
landscaped, but Ranma was swift and knew them well; she found
Akane after only a few minutes, sitting in a secluded spot by a
small fountain decorated with a stone faun. Had the school not
been a girls' school, it might have been a favored venue for
couples;
##And _this_ should make a difference??? ^_~
besides, girls form couples ( in a NON-sexual manner) quite frequently.
MUCH more often than boys.
<SNIP> more good stuff
~~~~~
Akane knelt in the dojo with the parts of a shinai spread
out in front of her for inspection. The four bamboo strips were
in good condition, so Akane reassembled the mock sword, finishing
by knotting the string that both indicated the back of the
springy "blade" and held the leather coverings of hilt and tip
together.
"Dunno why you bother with that stuff." Ranma balanced on
his head on the wooden floor nearby with his arms and legs
folded. His upside-down expression was sour.
"I like it," Akane said firmly, standing up and assuming
chudan-no-kamae, the middle guard stance. "Ha!" She struck at
the air with the shinai and nodded in satisfaction. "And I'm
pretty good at it, too. You remember that time I had a kendo
match with Kuno and he didn't know who I was? I might have won
if you and Mariko hadn't interfered. Combat Cheerleading,
indeed."
"It's not Musabetsu Kakuto."
##Errr, Ranma does do weapons. At least in the Anime I recall him
doing staff-work. ^_^ Very good scene though.
"Maybe it's not Saotome-ryu, but it's definitely part of
Tendo-ryu. I've always done kendo, and kenjutsu, and kyudo.
Father taught me yari and naginata, too." Sword, bow, spear, and
polearm: all the old--
"Weapons." Ranma's voice was disgusted. "A true martial
artist doesn't need weapons."
##Ummmm, actually weapons are an extension of the art.
In Chinese styles you can't advance unless you master(I think) sixteen
weapons.
AND during challenges the challenger chooses so the defending master MUST
know different
weapons or he/she might lose because of unfamiliarity. Ranma would have to
be familiar with
weapons if only to defend against them. ^_^
Akane frowned at him. "You'd better not be saying I'm not a
true martial artist, Ranma. I don't NEED weapons, and you know
it. But it's good to be able to use them."
##^_^ There are a lot of stories about weapons masters who are so good that
they can
use the techniques empty-hand with the same effect as if they were armed.
"Hey, I can use 'em!"
"No, you just fake it brilliantly. You'd use them better if
you practiced." Akane lit up suddenly. "I could teach you!"
Ranma snorted. "Forget it."
Akane whirled and lunged, prodding Ranma hard in the hip
with the shinai to knock him off-balance. "Hey!" Ranma rolled
sideways and flipped to his feet. "Wanna fight?" he grinned,
already in a stance.
"Well, since you're offering, I'm tired of attacking air,"
Akane said, eyeing him past the tip of the shinai. "Just stand
riiiiight there-- HA!"
Ranma had been on the receiving end of Akane's pet shinai
before, but this time she was attacking with precision and
discipline. He dodged and wove around the blows, but there was
nothing wild about them; Akane's skill and spirit blended to form
style that he couldn't help but admire. Still.... Ranma
suddenly caught the shinai between two fingers and held it,
smirking. "Now what? Woop!" He dodged Akane's side-kick.
"Ranma, play fair!" Akane protested, straightening.
Ranma half-smiled. "Fair's when I win." Akane's
exasperated look told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't
appreciate his wit, but her retort was interrupted by the dojo
door opening.
"Scissors stop shinai? Funny way to play janken," Nabiki
observed, sauntering into the dojo.
##Cute, very well done.
<SNIP> nice stuff
~~~~~
<SNIP>
They'd
disposed of the unconscious youth, but kept his sword.
##Ummm, a killing offense if I'm not mistaken.
"<SNIP>
"Yeah, but there might be a... problem."
Akane boggled. "Problem? He challenged you, you clobber
him. What's the problem?"
"Uh...." Ranma glanced at Kuno, then back at Akane. "Not
here, okay?" She addressed Kuno. "Uh, we need to, uh, confer
with our dark master. We'll be in touch.
##Our dark master will call your dark master and we'll do lunch. ^_^
Cute. But . . .Ranma thinking of something? Hmmm, there may be something
in this ‘dark master' stuff.
<SNIP>
"It was about yea long," Ranma said with great restraint,
gesturing with her hands. "It had a red scabbard, a bronze
tsuba, red cord, and white sharkskin. IT WAS THE ONLY GODDAMN
KATANA AT OUR WEDDING, YOU OLD FOOL!"
##^_^ (I don't recall, what about Nodoka?)
<SNIP>
"A good wife knows to extract any odd sums her husband might
be holding out," Nodoka continued blithely. Ranma and Akane
renewed their glares at Genma. "But only when the needs of the
household require it, of course. Otherwise it's best to leave
them a little, dear." She patted Akane on the arm and smiled
confidentially. "In this case, I was able to retire some old
debts. Why, is there a problem?"
##Very nice.
<SNIP>
"It's not that simple, Saotome-no-okaa-sama," Akane put in.
"Honor is involved. Ranma has been challenged for the katana."
Nodoka gained a worried look. "Oh, my," she said finally.
"That does put a different face on things, doesn't it." She
shrugged ruefully at Genma. "Well, there's no help for it, dear.
I'll just go get the first-aid kit, shall I?" She turned and
left.
##LOL!!!
Genma looked up at Ranma and Akane, standing over him. In
eerie unison their battle auras flared darkly around them, making
their eyes seem to glow in contrast. He gulped. The sound of
cracking knuckles echoed in the small room.
~~~~~
<SNIP>
"We won't be long," Akane assured him, looking around. A
spear on the wall caught her attention. "Um, about this
yari...."
"Not for sale," the pawnbroker said.
"Too bad. It's made in the old way, and it's seen some
fighting, but it sure doesn't look as old as it must be... and it
doesn't look like a fake, either."
The man straightened, regarding Akane with more respect.
"You have good eyes, Ojou-san. That's just about what the
appraiser said. My father bought that near the end of the war.
He told me not to sell it; said it was good luck."
##Nice. VERY nice.
<SNIP>
"Kasumi?" Sato interrupted with growing horror. "Tendo
Kasumi?"
"Yes. I'm her sister."
"Oh, God," Sato moaned. "Tendo Kasumi's sister and Saotome
Nodoka's daughter-in-law. 'Trouble' doesn't begin to cover it.
I'm going to hell for this, I just know it."
##LOL. VERY, VERY nice.
"Could be," Akane said evenly. She counted bills out onto
the counter. "Twenty thousand yen, plus the interest, and
there's the ticket. The katana, please." She looked Sato right
in the eye and waited.
"Er, could I interest you in a replacement of comparable
value? This yari, perhaps? I get the feeling it's not lucky for
me any more...."
##^_^<VBG>
<SNIP> more very nice stuff. {I wish I could write like this. <sigh>}
"Well, I think it's very pleasant," Akane said. "Before
certain people and their pandas started sparring in it, our
garden was almost this nice. I'll bet his koi aren't terrified,
either."
##LOL
"Look, you--!" Ranma heard approaching footsteps and shut
up.
The interior shoji slid open, admitting a young man who
appeared on first glance to confirm Ranma's fears; he was about
the same age and build as Kuno Tatewaki, handsome, dressed
similarly in kimono and hakama, and carried a bokken. He was a
little shorter, though, and his expression had none of Kuno's
haughtiness. "Welcome," he said to Ranma and Akane, seating
himself across the table from them and bowing as Masanori closed
the shoji. "I am Kurumazaki Kotaro."
"I'm Saotome Akane. Thank you for agreeing to see us,"
Akane said, bowing similarly.
"Saotome Ranma. Hello," Ranma said, nodding.
"Oh, it's no trouble at all," Kotaro said. "In fact, it's a
pleasure. I don't get many guests, I'm afraid."
"I can't imagine why not," Akane said warmly.
"You're too kind," Kotaro protested, smiling. He turned to
Masanori, standing by the door. "Masanori, tea, please?"
"Certainly." Masanori bowed and left silently.
Kotaro turned his attention back to Akane and Ranma. "So.
Forgive me for asking, but are you brother and sister?"
"Husband and wife," Ranma responded before Akane could
speak.
"Oh, I see. Congratulations! You seem very young to be
married...."
"It was an arranged marriage," Akane said.
"Ah. I may have to resort to something similar. Perhaps,
if we become friends, you could tell me how it worked for
you...." Kotaro trailed off shyly. He picked a sheet of colored
paper off the table and began to fold it, his hands moving
quickly despite the fact that he wasn't looking down at them.
"Friends?" Akane said, a little surprised. "I don't see why
not... but why would you need to arrange a marriage? You're well-
off if this house is any indication, you look healthy...." She
stopped short of telling Kotaro he was good-looking, but glanced
sidelong at Ranma a little guiltily.
"You're too kind," Kotaro repeated. He set the small figure
he'd folded from the paper on the table before Ranma. "There, a
horse for Ranma-san."
Akane laughed in delight and clapped her hands. "Oh, how
cute! I'm no good at origami; they all come out looking like
rocks."
"Oh, surely not! Well then, for Akane-san... let me see."
Kotaro turned his head a little as Masanori came back in with a
tray. "Ah, good, the tea. Masanori, is this red?" he asked,
holding up a sheet of paper.
"No, young master," Masanori said. "The next one is,
however." He began setting out cups and pouring as Kotaro picked
up the next sheet on the stack and began folding.
Ranma frowned. "What, can't you tell what color the paper
is?"
"Not without Masanori's assistance," Kotaro said lightly.
Akane winced. Suddenly the kanji of Kotaro's name made
sense, as did certain oddities in his movements. Her
embarrassment became anger, with its usual target; Ranma, opening
his mouth for another observation, suddenly lost his breath
thanks to Akane's elbow. "Shut UP, Ranma!" she hissed. "He
can't see!"
"Huh?"
"He's blind, you baka!"
"I'm afraid Akane-san is correct," Kotaro said, holding out
a little red paper cloud complete with thunderbolt.
##VERY, VERY nice. I am impressed. You're weaving a lot of
information seamlessly into the dialouge.
~~~~~
<SNIP>
Kotaro shrugged. "I collect fine blades. I have some small
skill in their use, being the heir to the Kurumazaki Tobiuo-ryu
of kenjutsu."
"Really?" Akane exclaimed. "We're the heirs to the
Musabetsu Kakuto. That's why we got married-- well, sort of."
"So you have a dojo and everything?" Ranma said.
##I'd use "Ranma asked."
"Everything except students." Kotaro laughed a little. "It
seems that the ryu will end with me, though; there's no one left
to grant me my mastership, and I doubt any students would come to
learn from a blind master anyway."
"Oh, Kotaro-san, that's so sad," Akane said sympathetically.
"Such is fate. Would you care to see the dojo?"
"You betcha," Ranma said.
"Splendid. Here comes Masanori with the katana." Sure
enough, the shoji slid open a moment later, and the servant came
in carrying the sword. He knelt and presented it to Kotaro.
Kotaro set it on a stand, drew on thin cotton gloves, and picked
the sword up again. He slid it out of its scabbard and explored
it with his gloved fingers. "A fine weapon," he said finally,
returning it to its scabbard and handing it to Masanori. "Well,
shall we go?" He picked up his bokken and rose to his feet.
Akane and Ranma followed him out of the room with Masanori
bringing up the rear, carrying the katana.
##Nice scene. OTOH examination of katana is HIGHLY visual, so you
might want to elaborate on this scene a bit.(or change it) Gloves (or rice
paper) being
necessary would also hinder his tactile ability.
~~~~~
The dojo was larger than the Tendo Dojo, and seemed larger
yet because of the gloom that dwelled there; the doors were solid
wood rather than translucent paper, and shut tight without cracks
to admit the light. The wooden floor had been polished by the
passage of many bare feet, though, and the air was not musty;
evidently it was still used regularly. "Not bad," Ranma said,
walking out to the middle of the floor and looking around. "Who
uses it these days?"
"Masanori is kind enough to allow me to practice my skill
against his," Kotaro said.
"Huh." Ranma took another look at Masanori, this time
evaluating his martial potential. "Kenjutsu, or just kendo?"
"Both. I also practice iaido, as an aid to contemplation.
I have plenty of time for contemplation." Kotaro's voice was
only slightly bitter. "I guess from the name that Musabetsu
Kakuto is an unarmed style."
"Yeah, that weapon stuff is too easy," Ranma said. "I can
beat any kenjutsu."
Kotaro smiled gently. "Oh, really? Would you care to test
that?"
"Been tested," Ranma boasted. "I can beat Kuno any day of
the week."
"Yes, I know Tatewaki-san." Kotaro laughed. "Perhaps you
might find me more of a challenge."
Standing beside Masanori, Akane slapped herself on the
forehead. "Oh, great, the testosterone is flowing."
##LOL
Ranma looked at Kotaro in astonishment. "But you're blind!"
"I'm hardly unaware of that, Ranma-san. Nevertheless."
Ranma shrugged. "Hey, if you wanna mix it up a bit, I'm
game. I'll take it easy on ya."
Kotaro smiled. "Wonderful! Shall I use shinai or bokken?
Steel is inappropriate between friends, I think...."
"Bokken. Shinai's a toy," Ranma said disdainfully.
##Bokken can also kill you. In fact wood has an advantage against steel. A
steel
blade will stick in wood. ^_^
"Very well." Kotaro walked out into the middle of the dojo
carrying his bokken and turned to face Ranma.
"Wait!" Akane called. She ran out to Ranma, grabbed his
ear, and pulled his head down. "Don't you dare hurt him!" she
whispered fiercely.
Ranma gave her an annoyed look. "Hey, he asked for it."
"But it's not fair!"
"I could tie one arm behind my back," Kotaro offered.
Both Akane and Ranma very nearly facefaulted at that. "No,
I meant not fair to YOU!" Akane said to Kotaro. "I know, you can
wear a blindfold, Ranma!"
##LOL
"Huh?"
"If you're willing to meet me on equal terms, Ranma-san, it
is possible to darken the dojo completely," Kotaro suggested.
"What?"
"Sure! That's much better!" Akane exclaimed.
"Hey--"
"I'm impressed," Kotaro said admiringly as Akane ran back to
the wall. "This is very sporting of you, Ranma-san."
##And pretty darn stupid. ^_^
<SNIP>
"Yeah. Akane, you should fight him; you might learn
something. Oops, forgot, that'd take testosterone-- ow! Heh."
##I'd stop with :: "----owww!"
Drop the "Heh."
<SNIP>
Kotaro reached out slowly and touched Akane's face gently.
His fingers were not soft, Akane noticed, any more than hers
were, or Ranma's; they were hardened with smooth callus. His
touch was delicate, though, and surprisingly pleasant. *Oh, my.
I wish Ranma would touch me like this....* The fingers traced
over Akane's face and withdrew.
##Very nice.
<SNIP>
"That's too bad. I was looking forward to meeting him
again. It seems strange that he wouldn't come to see you
compete." Kotaro cocked his head in a different direction.
"Masanori, I believe someone is at the door." He listened again.
"Someone quite strong."
"Oh, crap," 'Akane' muttered. Kotaro raised an eyebrow, but
didn't comment.
##LOL
<SNIP>
<SNIP>
Ranma taking her seriously, but stronger than ever before... and
the visceral knowledge that if Ranma really did take her
seriously, she would have all the chance of a rabbit cornered by
a tiger.
##Ummm, I'm not too sure about that. Akane usually makes the difference
between
Ranma winning and losing. (How many times has RANMA had to fight while
cursed as a doll or dehydrated to doll size. And don't forget the fight
against
the Orochi. ^_^) And often she can get past the guard of quite formidable
opponents.
~~~~~
<SNIP>
Akane came up to her side of the X, thinking quickly. Even
hampered by the heavy bogu, Ranma was an unconventional handful;
only her reflexes, trained by many hours of solitary kata, had
saved her. It was time to use her best tricks, attacks which had
won match after match for her in the long-ago days before Ranma.
##Nice
"Begin!"
"HAAAA!" Tak-tak-tak-WHACK! "KOTE!" Akane followed
through and stopped, grinning inside her mask.
"Point!" Soun shouted. "Did you see that, Saotome-kun?"
"A cunning strike," Genma agreed.
##<boo, hiss> You didn't DESCRIBE the strike to the readers.
That's cheating. <sob> WE (or at least _I_) want to
know how it was done. ^_^
<SNIP>
Akane was nothing, her hands were gone, even the shinai
didn't exist; there was only purpose, and the tiny opening in her
opponent's defense–
##Nice
"TSUKI!"
Ranma flipped backward in midair with the strike and landed
on his feet, crouched; the hard thrust of Akane's shinai had
taken him squarely on the padded throat-flap of his mask. Nodoka
gasped. "Point and match," Soun said clearly.
##very nice
Akane recovered from her follow-through and straightened,
not yet all the way back from the void. "I won?"
"WHAT?! No way!" Ranma shouted.
"I won!" Akane jumped up and down, waving her shinai. "I
beat RANMA!"
"THE HELL YOU DID!" Ranma tore his mask off and flung it
aside. His face twisted with fury and mortification, he stripped
off the armor with six swift motions and dropped back into guard,
holding his shinai. "The hell with that junk! Try it now, damn
you!"
"Ranma--" Nodoka began to rise, but Genma's outstretched
arm forbade her to continue.
Akane ripped her own mask off, then tossed her shinai
spinning into the air and caught it as her armor fell in parts
around her. She kicked them aside. "You want it that way,
Ranma? Fine." She advanced, shinai at the ready.
Ranma's snarl dissolved into uncertainty as he took in her
unprotected state. He took a step back. "But--"
"I WON! Why can't you ACCEPT that?!"
"BECAUSE I CAN'T!" Ranma roared. "You KNOW what I gave up
to get this good! If someone who didn't sacrifice the way I did
can be BETTER, then it was all for NOTHING!" Dead silence
answered him. His tortured glance raked over the shocked faces
of his small audience. He dropped the shinai and darted out the
open doors of the dojo into the spring sunshine.
##Ohhh, Ranma is a dead man. Ranma is a dead man. ^_^
(Can we see the scene where Akane roasts him over a slow fire while shoving
bamboo splinters into his eye-balls???)
Actually I wanted to see Akane beat the c**p out of him one more time.
"RANMA!! Don't you DARE use the Saotome Secret Technique on
me!" Akane started after Ranma, but stopped before leaving the
dojo. She stamped on the floor. "No! Not this time, dammit!"
"Akane-chan...."
Akane turned and saw that Nodoka was standing. "No, Saotome-
no-okaa-sama! He should have the guts to face me!"
"His pride--" Soun began, still looking shocked.
"What about MY pride, Father?!" Akane interrupted. "Am I
always going to be following along in his shadow? I can't do
that! There'd be nothing of ME left! He's so good at so many
things, he should admit it if I'm better than him at something!"
"If he could do that, he might not be our Ranma," Nodoka
said calmly. She looked out the open door of the dojo for a
moment, then back at Akane. "My son is very strong, but he is...
brittle. I had hoped that you could lend him resilience, and
perhaps in time teach it to him, but if you can't, you can't."
She sighed and turned away. "He's probably gone home-- to his
other home; if you won't go after him, I suppose I'll have to.
He needs one of us now."
##Dirty pool Nodoka-san. ^_^ (still would like to see Akane beat the
#$%^ out of Ranma. <sigh> oh well)
<SNIP>
Genma held up a hand to stop his friend. "I have said
enough. In any case, Akane-kun isn't yet ready to challenge
Ranma, but if he thinks she is... well, let it stand that I am
pleased that Ranma has a student who can goad him, and that Akane-
kun has a sensei who can lure her. They will hone each other's
skills to great heights."
##Nice. Very nice. (So, when can we expect to see Akane pound Ranma???)
"If their bond survives this challenge," Nodoka said
quietly, turning to go.
~~~~~
Akane dashed over the rooftops, looking for Ranma on the
straight-line course between the Tendo house and the Saotome
house, figuring that he'd stopped somewhere in between to fume--
and there he was, doing exactly that, by the look of it. Ranma
saw her coming, but didn't continue his flight. He stopped
pacing to and fro, folded his arms, and waited.
"Go away," he said roughly as Akane landed on the roof he'd
chosen.
Akane shook her head. "I'm not going to do that. If you
want to be alone, you're going to have to keep running. You can
outrun me easily enough," she added reluctantly.
Ranma's expression lightened a little at her admission, but
he turned anyway. "Fine. 'Bye."
##LOL!!!
<SNIP>
Denied a chance to get a word in edgewise, Ranma's ire
finally exploded. "You just want to take the match with 'Kotaro-
san' so you can LOSE!"
"What are you saying?" Akane whispered, chilled.
"You just want an EXCUSE to go 'spar' with the poor blind
guy, you and your case of hot-pants!" Ranma shouted, his face a
foot from Akane's.
##Oooops. Ranma is beyond dead now. ^_^
Akane went white. "What a VILE thing to say!" The mighty
slap she'd intended to punctuate her sentence with stopped short
of Ranma's cheek, caught and held in Ranma's fist. Neither of
them noticed.
"Yeah? You say 'vile' things like that about ME all the
time! You're always talkin' like I'm gonna screw Kodachi, or
Ukyo, or SOMEONE, any chance I get!"
##errrr, Ranma DOES end up in _compromising_ situations.
Naked in bath with Shampoo, in bed with Naked (or nearly so) Shampoo,
compromising pictures with Kodachi, embraced by Kodachi, etc, etc.
It _may_ be perfectly innocent. (OTOH he DID chase Shampoo all over Nermia
vowing to make her say "I love you.". And there was that little thing with
Tsubasa.
IMO Akane has a LOT of reason to be suspicious of Ranma's motives. I don't see
that Ranma has any reason to suspect Akane. (Except for his male ego.) IMO
this is the weakest part of the story to date.
"That's DIFFERENT!"
"The HELL it is! It's the SAME!"
"Well, if it's wrong for YOU to say that, then it's wrong
for ME to say that! Um, I mean--"
They both blinked. "Uh...." That suddenly, fury
annihilated with anti-fury, producing a burst of enlightenment:
the unpleasant suspicion that they were a matching pair of
idiots.
##Cute. But I don't think anyone can match Ranma. (Except
Ryouga, or Kuno, or Mousse, or . . .)
Their eyes drifted aside to Ranma's grip on Akane's
wrist. Both of them stared at it.
Ranma let go like Akane's arm was red-hot. "Ah, heh-heh,"
he chuckled weakly, putting his hand to the back of his head.
Akane shelved her belated astonishment at the fate of her
slap; she was already juggling too many emotions. She picked one
at random. "Ranma, you're JEALOUS!"
"Jealous? Who'd be jealous of a--" Ranma began
automatically.
"You would!" Akane burst out, cutting him off before he
could say something they'd both regret. "YOU would! And after
all the things you said to ME because I was jealous! Sure, it was
easy for YOU, you had girls chasing you everywhere you went! No
one was chasing ME!"
##Errrr . . .All of Furinken(sp???) High, Prince Toma (sp???) ^_^
<SNIP>
I love YOU, you BAKA! GOT THAT?!"
"Yeah," Ranma said in a half-strangled tone. Akane looked
down and suddenly noticed that his feet were dangling clear of
the roof-tiles. She put him down with a thump.
##Hmmm, Akane's been reading about "tough love"
"Sorry," she said, blushing. She put a hand on his arm and
looked up at him. "Ranma... you have no reason to be jealous of
anyone. Really."
"Seems to me I said that to you, once or twice," Ranma said
dryly, but he looked a lot less troubled.
##Errrr, Ranma's credibility is just a little suspect. (Recall, for instance,
sneaking into the girls locker room. He was telling the truth, but he also
resorted
to chicanery later on. ) I don't think Ranma is the lying scum some people
seem to
believe. OTOH he is just a little _obsessive_ seeming at times.
Akane smiled. "I think it's sweet that you're jealous,
though. A little bit just means you care."
"I think I said that too," Ranma muttered.
"Now what's this about my 'case of hot-pants'?" Akane said
sternly, glaring at him.
Ranma blushed and twiddled his fingers. "I shouldn't'a said
that."
"You shouldn't have been THINKING it, but you were, and
you'd better tell me why."
"Well, you know, ever since the honeymoon you've been
jumpin' my bones every chance you get--"
"Ranma, I thought you LIKED it!"
"Well, I do, but--"
"Then what's the problem?"
"I dunno, it's like you're some kinda sex maniac or
somethin'...."
##Ranma is a dead man. (Again. )
Akane frowned. "Ranma, you idiot. I am NOT a nymphomaniac.
##IMO she should be MUCH angrier at this point.
If you're going to be that way, when you want to get laid you're
going to have to--" She broke off; it had occurred to her just
in time that finishing the sentence with "beg for it" would
result in a lot of cold and lonely nights.
##Ummm, I'm not sure about this scene. It seems a little off for some reason.
"To what?" Ranma asked after a few seconds.
"Nothing." Akane frowned again; now that she thought of
it.... "Ranma, how come you haven't made a move on me since that
time on our honeymoon?"
"What?! Sure I have! I--"
"No, you haven't. Every time, it's me grabbing you and
dragging you to bed."
"Well-- I would, but you always beat me to it!"
Akane giggled suddenly, relieved. "O-o-oh. I see."
##???
"Why? What difference does it make?"
"Well, how does it make you feel when I come on to you like
that?"
"Manly," Ranma said proudly.
"And how do you think I feel that you never make a move on
me?" Akane finished. "I wish you would, sometimes."
##A little rough. This section does not seem nearly as well integrated at
the rest
of the story.
Ranma eyed her, then smiled; he had a pretty good idea of
the effect that smile had on her. "How about now?"
Akane felt very warm all of a sudden, but controlled it,
hoping for something more. "Ranma, I'm not going to answer
that."
"Huh?" Ranma looked puzzled and not a little apprehensive.
"How'm I supposed to know if you're in the mood, if you won't
answer when I ask?"
"Maybe you could just make advances when YOU'RE in the mood,
even knowing that I'll pound you flat if I don't feel like it,"
Akane said carefully. "Maybe I'd like to know that you think I'm
worth the risk."
##<ewwww> OK, NOW I feel sorry for Ranma. ^_^
OTOH research shows that a near-death experience can have a positive
effect on the libido.
<SNIP>
His hands blurred and suddenly Akane was naked; her kendogi
and underwear fell in a pile on the other side of the room.
Ranma tossed her into the air and caught her, and just that
quickly his clothes were gone too. He pivoted, closing the
window with her big toe, then knelt and laid her gently on the
futon.
##Errrr, gives "quickie" a whole new meaning.
"So, you in the mood now?" Ranma said teasingly.
Akane forced herself not to retort, not to reach for him,
not to give any sign of her feelings. She closed her eyes and
lay still with her head turned away a little, waiting for him to
touch her, knowing that wherever he touched her it would be like
air on fire... but what touched her first was his aura, sparking
and fizzing with excitement. With a gasp she let her aura escape
to mingle with his, and everything was just as wonderful as she'd
hoped it would be.
##Nice.
~~~~~
"KYAAAAAAAAA!"
Nodoka heard the scream as she closed the front door behind
her; she dropped her bundle and hurried to where the katana
rested on its stand. *That sounded like Akane-chan!* she
thought, rushing up the stairs with the katana. *I can't believe
Ranma would mistreat her!* She flung open the door of Ranma's
room--
"KYAAAAAAAAA!"
"Ah! AH! Akane!"
Nodoka closed the door just as fast as she'd opened it,
blushing furiously and smiling proudly. *My, how manly Ranma
is... and how resilient Akane-chan is.
##LOL
It's a good thing they
were too, ah, busy to notice me....* Her smile faltered a little
as she thought of Genma, still back at the Tendos'. She glanced
ruefully at the sheathed katana in her hand and crept quietly
back downstairs.
~~~~~
They lay tangled together, unwilling to move. Finally Ranma
spoke. "Wow."
"Definitely wow," Akane agreed. She tightened her grip a
little. "I mean, it's always good, but sometimes it's...
better."
"Yeah. Man, it's almost worth fighting to make up like
that...."
Akane giggled. "I'll keep that in mind." The issues they
hadn't quite settled yet began to niggle at her, though, and she
chose one. "Ranma... why do you let me hit you?"
##Ummm, IMO fanfic cliche. Akane hits a LOT of people who would
NOT _let_ her hit them. Disregarding the fact that Ranma is a comedy
my theory has always been that she's better when she reacts w/o thinking.
<SNIP>
~~~~~
<SNIP>
Kotaro's usual humor returned. "Well, I will admit that
your first idea was... entertaining. You certainly have a fine
bosom, Ranma-san."
##<g>
<SNIP>
"And you're welcome to visit the Tendo Dojo," Soun offered.
"Why not, everyone else is," Ranma said dryly.
##Ummm, this sounds more like Nabiki or perhaps Soun.
"Now about
that hot water...."
~~~~~
<SNIP>
"Well, I'd bet on you. I noticed that you finally quit
messing yourself up by thinking too much."
##^_^
Akane looked away from the sunset, surprised. "You did? I
was going to ask you about that."
"I couldn't hardly NOT notice it, seeing as you damn near
went all-out against ME," Ranma said dryly. "About time, too."
"Sorry...."
"No, you did good. You've done it before, in tight spots
when you didn't have time to think, but now you can do it when
your butt isn't on the line. I don't want to talk about this too
much 'cause it'd mess you up again, but now you're gonna have a
different problem. You're gonna have to decide how not to defeat
your opponents so badly they'll lose interest."
##??? Ummm, if they sparing, you don't want to hurt them. Otherwise
in actual combat you want them stopped.
"Ranma... hai, sensei." In her own mind, Akane could feel
the need to avoid thinking about not thinking, so she thought
about something else. "So how badly are you going to defeat Kuno-
kun?"
"Dunno." Ranma chewed on his lower lip for a moment. "I
kinda miss the Joketsuzoku, now that they're gone. I miss Ryoga.
I was even glad to see Pantyhose-Taro again. I was thinking
about making Kuno promise to leave us alone if he lost, but I
don't really want that. I doubt he would leave us alone even if
he DID promise. He's a pain in the ass, but he's OUR pain in the
ass."
##Ummmm, OK. I suppose if no one will play with them anymore. ^_^
"I suppose, but I really don't like the way he keeps waving
a katana around."
Ranma shrugged. "It's not really that much more dangerous
than a bokken. Hell, he cuts down TREES with a bokken. Mousse
kept slinging sharp stuff at me, and I didn't hold it against
him. Ukyo, too."
"Ukyo's spatula is different. You can hit with the flat of
it, and she usually does.
##It's still metal. Try hitting an apple or coconut with a frying pan.
HARD. ^_^
But a katana is all about wounding and
killing. It's the principle of the thing."
##Ummmm, there are quite a few martial artist that would
argue that. Also, Musashi Miyamoto, perhaps Japan's or the world's
greatest swordsman, won many of his battles with a wooden sword.
In fact he smashed the head of one opponent with a wooden sword he
carved from a oar on the way to the duel. A bokken is a deadly weapon, in
some ways more dangerous than steel. One of the advantaged of wood is that
your opponents steel sword will stick in the wood, giving you a momentary
advantage
over your opponent.
"You have a point."
##Cute.
"And an edge," Akane quipped. "I'll just have to pursuade
him to go back to a bokken somehow. All right, you can play with
him-- but no flirting!"
"Aw, c'mon, he's so much fun to tease, and it's not like I'd
DO anything. Yuck."
"Well, I wouldn't 'DO anything' with anyone else either, but
you still wouldn't want me to flirt with anyone, would you?"
Ranma sighed. "I guess not."
"We could try demonstrating the curse... no, if he hasn't
got it by now, he never will. Honestly, how someone can ignore
something like that when it's right under his nose-- are you all
right?"
Ranma, still coughing, waved his hand.
##<G>
<SNIP>
The fair Tendo Akane also wore kimono for the occasion.
Tatewaki's eyes narrowed as he noticed that the cut of her
sleeves and the placement of her obi and cord were more
appropriate for a young wife than the innocent girl he knew her
to be. Clearly she was suffering from some delusion.
##Good.
<SNIP>
"Saotome Akane." She nodded in the direction of the younger
woman.
"Urk." Kuno appeared to suffer a sudden brain-freeze.
##<G>
Akane spoke up. "I invited them as witnesses, Kuno-kun."
This unfroze Kuno, and he laughed. "Nay, surely thou art
jesting! How can a sightless man serve as a witness? It flies
in the face of all good sense."
##In which case Kuno's probably got enough frequent flyer miles
to go to Mars.
"Fortunately only my eyes are blind," Kotaro said, smiling
gently. "I have escaped blindness of the mind and the heart."
He bowed again and followed Nodoka.
<SNIP>
"Well, as I recall it, it was Akane and I who clobbered you
and took the katana away," the pigtailed girl drawled. "You sure
you wouldn't rather fight us again for it?"
##Ummm, I can't quite see Ranma drawling. And this seems a little
to grammatical for Ranma. ^_^ (but I suppose he's changed a bit now
that he's married)
<SNIP>
The onlookers murmured and applauded. Akane whisked the
cloth away with a flourish, and there stood the demon Saotome,
panting a bit and blowing on his fingers; clearly he had just
come from the infernal regions. "Oi, Kuno," he said cheerfully.
<G>
<SNIP>
"Kuno-kun." Kuno turned to see that Akane had approached
him. She stared up at him with eyes grim beyond her years.
"Kuno-kun, you can play with bokken
##Ummm, I know they play with it in Ranma Anime/Manga but, really,
bokken is a deadly weapon.
all you like, but I warn you
not to use steel, now or in the future. If you wound him, I will
wound you. If you kill him, I promise that I will kill you...
slowly."
##Nice meter. Generally there's not much wounding involved in a duel
with katana. Usually begins and ends with one stroke. IF Kuno used steel
and IF Ranma were unlucky he'd probably end up dead or missing an arm
or leg. (Bokken's a little better. He'll probably survive unless Kuno hits
head
or spine) IMO Akane would be more likely to::
" . . .if you use steel, now or in the future, I'll kill you."
OR
" . . .if you use steel, now or in the future, I'll hurt you so
badly your grand children will be born crippled."
<SNIP>
Nodoka let out a breath. "I do hope you're right, dear.
Oh, if only you were with child...." It took all of Akane's self-
control to prevent a facefault.
##<eeeeep> Please don't use "facefault". Especially in a story as well
written as this one.
<SNIP>
"Oi! Over here!" he called, beckoning. Another bush met a
premature end, and another, and another, as Ranma led Kuno in a
wholesale slaughter of the landscaping. Then Ranma sailed over
Kuno in an elegant layout flip and scampered back towards the
audience.
##Oooops. Bad move. Once in the air he can't change direction
or use his full force in an attack. Worst of all, if Kuno were to raise
his blade, Ranma might just end up eviscerating himself.
<SNIP>
~~~~~ end chapter 4 ~~~~~
<SNIP>
##Overall:: VERY, VERY good. Some rough spots, in comparison
with the rest of the story. A few technical errors. (Some of which are
debatable) All in all a superior read.