Whoo ^.^ Commentary!

Like the fic itself, there are spoilers in this commentary for the end of Escaflowne.

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Doesn't she quite remind you of that frightening Zaibach Captain?

Not so sure about this.  Allen didn't draw any connection between Celena and Dilandau when Celena first reappeared, so why would anyone else? They'd also have to have met Dilandau to even do so, and he never really seemed like the social type, either.

Hmm..this would probably be me reading too much of other people's fics and forgetting which was the series and which was the fic^^; But I do see Dilandau as some sort of highly important Zaibach figure, and someone that people would probably ask about later on. There's also the spread of rumours and descripts that probably fly around, despite the effort to prevent it to happen, and the description of the Dragonslayer captain probably got out somewhere. Although eventually it probably would have had a purple monkey elephant somewhere in there^^;

Celena bit her knuckles to prevent herself from crying out any further, for fear of exposing herself to any overly-curious servants. Especially since Allen would find her out.

Homecoming, at first, was a thrilling experience. Celena couldn't remember ever having been happier at seeing the Schezar mansion, and it was more than her long absence. There was an safitisfying feeling of security, of family, that she knew she had been lacking for years.

The shift of thought in the second paragraph really doesn't seem to follow from what's in the first, or anything in the scene before.  A less abrupt and more natural transition would be preferable, especially since this second paragraph is only the beginning of a long flashback sequence.

Hmm..cue swirly change sequence ;) Nah, I did think that this needed some fixing, but I wasn't sure how exactly. I was kinda sorta hoping I didn't get caught^^;

Sunshine invited itself in from the windows near the meal table, making

pleasant a warm spring's breakfast. Celena ate somewhat like a rough soldier, something of Dilandau that had unfortunately been carried over; scooping things into rough piles before jamming them into her mouth.

Dunno about that, either; Dilandau always seemed to be more elegant than rough, despite being the sadist he was.  I can't really see him eating in this manner.

I dunno, same argument that you're putting is the one I have. For some reason I could see him and the Dragonslayers in the Vione cafeteria wolfing it down. He was elegant, but not pansy, and the fact was, he prided himself in being a soldier, even to the point of criticizing Folken's lack thereof in the first few episodes. He had to have picked up some of those soldierly bad habits, I just don't see him picking his nose on guard duty^^;

Allen cast a glare at Celena. He received an exposed tongue in response,

which he grabbed. Celena squealed and flailed.

"Please don't do that, Celena. It's not becoming of a lady."

Ick.  I didn't like this in Star Wars, and I don't like it hear.  It's condescending and approaches being brutal; I really can't see Allen doing this to his sister.

I was thinking more of the anime form of SD flailing. Woi, didn't even think of the Jar-Jar correlation.

"Because she's finally excited to be out. It's been nearly two years, and

she refuses to step outside of the estate unless I request it. Even then, I know the only pleasure she gets is the relief when we leave."

Not entirely clear what the meaning is here.  Perhaps, "the only pleasure she gets is the relief when we return home."?

Something like that^^; Couldn't word that correctly.

***

Good beginning, with nice characterizations of Allen, Gaddes and Celena,and some interesting theorizing about the problems Celena might haveadjusting to life after the end of Escaflowne.

I'll be interested to see where this story goes.  It's very nice so far.

Ciao,

-Alan Harnum

Thanks for the help! ^.^


- Kus Kus
http://anime.at/kuskus/
ICQ # 19024175
mIRC's DalNet
Kusanagi^Mamoru, Murakumo, Dilandau, Folken, Seifer^`Almasy
Folken no Koibito!

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