C&C Below. Snippage here and there.
[...]
And just because people are starving all over the world and my Momma
told me to never waste spam, here's a little thing I like to call Two
Types of Liars, part three.
In the future, please put the part number in the subject line.
I thought I was going to be reading a standalone fic.
[...]
Two Types of Liar
*****
(This is just perfect,) thought Ranma-chan. (Figures that Pops would
keep a little think like an engagement secret.)
sp: thing
suggest: This is just perfect, thought Ranma-chan. Figures that
Pops would keep a little think like an engagement secret.
(The parentheses to mark off thoughts aren't needed. It reads just
fine without them.)
Genma had in fact ran off at the very start of the commotion, and Ranma
had a sneaking suspicion as to what he was up to. He actually knew, but
ignorance is bliss.
Huh? Did he know, or just have a sneaking suspicion?
It can't be both.
The rest of the Tendos were clustered around Kasumi, who was laying
unconscious on the floor. After a few minutes of worriedly checking her
over, Soun tenderly picked her up and took her to her room.
That perv Soun, checking over his own daughter...
Soun: My baby's grown into a woman! [tears of joy]
Akane turned to their guest. "You'll have to excuse my sister, she gets
overly emotional at times."
There were originally evil characters here, which I converted
to plain quotes.
Ranma blinked. "I see..."
Akane cocked her head sideways. "You really do plan on being the guy
huh? You've even got the mannerisms down."
punc: guy, huh?
suggest: being the 'guy,' huh?
I imagine this would make more sense if I had part two to read...
Ranma-chan scratched the back of his head nervously. "Uh, what can I
say? Practice?"
"Daddy said that you are a martial artist. Do you know kempo?" "A
little."
Ranma's response should be on a line by itself. New speaker; new line.
"Oh, wow! I do too! Wanna spar?"
punc: I do, too!
"Well, oHEY!" Ranma protested as Akane grabbed her hand and dragged her
out the back door.
suggest: Well, o-- HEY!
(It's a little clearer that was he was going
to say was interrupted and replaced by "HEY".)
Akane led the way to the dojo, then left Ranma standing in the middle
of the floor as she walked over to a gi left laying against one wall.
Ranma watched in bug eyed amazement as Akane unceremoniously stripped
off her clothes and piled them neatly beside the gi, then bent over to
pick it up.
punc: of the floor, as she
punc: bug-eyed
Ranma quickly turned around and face the other direction. "Geez, do you
always change out in public?"
That's not exactly "respecting the dojo". ^_^;;;
"Huh?" Akane asked as she slipped the cloth on, neglecting to put on
underwear first. "Oh, you mean the clothes? I don't see what the big
deal is, I mean, I'll let you see mine if you'll let me see yours."
Ranma choked.
A little late to make a suggestion like that.
Ranma: Uh... I've already seen yours...
suggest: slipped the clothes on
"Well, are you ready?" Akane asked as she turned around and assumed a
fighting stance.
Ranma backed away dubiously. "I don't know..." Misunderstanding Ranma's
expression for fear, Akane hurried to assure her. "Don't worry, I won't
hurt you unless you want me to."
I'll assume that this isn't supposed to be a mischievous sexual comment
on Akane's part...
Ranma sighed, then shrugged.
Akane threw a wild right hook in Ranma's direction, one so unexpected
in it's sloppiness that Ranma had a hard time avoiding it.
It wasn't that it was very fast, although there was a fair amount of
strength behind it, it was that Ranma had a hard time adjusting to the
unexpectedness of it.
punc: strength behind it. It was
or: behind it; it was
(You're beginning a new sentence with a new subject and verb.
You either need a period or a semicolon.)
suggest: strength behind it. Ranma just had a hard time gauging where
the swing was headed.
(This avoids the repeated "unexpected." Also, I think it makes it a
little clearer what you mean. From the first sentence it sounds like
the strike itself wasn't unexpected, but that Ranma couldn't read it
at all, because it was so "sloppy".)
The next few kicks and punches were of the more traditional kempo style
Anything Goes was based off of, but Ranma was wary of those unexpected
blows. He knew drunk-fu when he saw it.
gram: style that Anything Goes
suggest: but Ranma remained wary of those unexpected blows; he
suggest: He knew drunken style
("Drunk-fu" was made up by Soun at the Romeo and Juliet play, when
he was trying to make Ranma's inebriation look intentional. It
sounds like Akane actually knows a drunken style.)
Akane was impressing him with her variety of styles, she rarely stuck
to one for very long and would shift back and forth with amazing speed,
keeping him on his toes. Finally she threw a full force crane style
punch that, lacking anywhere else to go, Ranma simply jumped over and
landed behind her.
suggest: variety of styles, rarely sticking to
punc: Finally, she
punc: full-force
gram: Jumped over. She landed behind Akane
(As written, Ranma landed behind the *punch*, which for some reason
is addressed as "she".)
suggest: punch that Ranma simply jumped over,
having nowhere else to go.
(Sounds a little less awkward.)
Does crane style have punches? I assume they would be strikes with
the tips of the fingers, or hooks, using a craned hand to lock limbs
in place. The hand as a beak. Maybe I'm thinking of preying mantis.
Akane, unable to stop herself, punched a hole in the wall of the dojo.
Ranma reached over and lightly tapped her on the shoulder. Akane pulled
her arm out of the hole in the wall and turned to Ranma. "You're pretty
good, but why don't you hit back? Come on, I don't mind." She took a
wild kick at Ranma that deliberately left a large opening.
The beginning of this paragraph reads a little choppy.
Akane did X. Ranma did Y. Akane did Z.
Try to vary the sentence structure a bit.
She frowned when Ranma failed to take the opportunity. (She's not even
taking me serious! Lets see how she reacts when I really try...)
You should explain what Ranma *did* do. Dodge? Block? Jump back?
Ranma was wary of Akane tricks, and was pretty sure he could avoid
anything Akane threw at him. Still, he got kind of nervous when Akane
suddenly stopped and lightly stroked the side of her body. He stepped
back a few steps as he saw the stars appear in Akane's eyes. (Ohboy,
this can't be good.)
gram: wary of Akane's tricks
suggest: he could avoid anything she threw
(Avoid repeated "Akane".)
suggest: he saw hearts appear in Akane's eyes.
(I thought they were the stars that a person sees
when they're hit too hard on the head!)
Again, the parentheses are not needed for Ranma's
thoughts. It's perfectly clear from the context.
[...]
The hand suddenly stopped it's wandering path and came to rest on his
upper arm. Akane seemed to have about six legs and ten arms, he'd never
had this hold used against him before and didn't know how to break it.
"She had as many arms as Vishnu,
and her hands were all VERY busy!' ^_^;
I think Ranma would know how to get of the hold. There are a few
simple guidelines in martial arts. Counter strikes with throws,
throws with grappling, and grappling with strikes. (Think I got
that right.)
So, he needs to hit and distract her, and then wriggle free.
A head-butt would do nicely.
Perhaps it would be better for Ranma to know *how* to get out (or at
least a way), but be reluctant to do it to Akane. After all, he was
unwilling to hit her before; he wouldn't now that he's in a hold.
[...]
"But it's really handy when I get a hold on them. Watch." She started
moving, to all intents and purposes looking like she was straightening
out and getting up. But the knot she had tied herself into had to go
somewhere, and Ranma was the only choice at the moment.
I'm a little unclear what you mean, here. "The knot had to go somewhere"?
Could you clarify?
"OOW! HEY!"
"See?"
"I see, I see! I'll take your word for it!" "Oh, okay." Akane let go,
allowing Ranma to spring back into shape. She offered Ranma a hand in
getting up.
Akane's response need to be on it's own line.
[...]
Akane looked at Ranma with a puzzled look on her face. "You're really
into this aren't you? Maybe Daddy had the right idea after all."
punc: into this, aren't
I converted these evil characters to single quotes.
Ranma smacked his hand into his forehead. (I need to change back, this
being a girl thing just ain't gonna cut it. And I've got to get rid of
this engagement.)
No need for these parentheses.
Akane's lust for battle having been slaked for the time being, she
suggested that they head in. Pausing to grab her clothes, she lead the
way back across the yard.
There's a covered walkway between the house and dojo;
there's no need to go through the yard.
"Um," Ranma began, trying to find a good excuse to get some private
time, "I could really use a bath. Been on the road all that time and
all."
Akane nodded her head. "Yeah, I could stand one as well. I'm going to
go check on Kasumi, you go ahead."
punc: one, as well.
punc: Kasumi. You
or: Kasumi; you
(You're starting a new sentence.)
Ranma nodded. "Um, where are the towels and stuff?" "Here," Akane
showed him.
Put Akane's response on a new line.
Ranma looked nervously around as he grabbed his pack and carried it
into the changing room. He quickly rummaged through and gathered up the
appropriate bathing accessories, then stepped into the bathroom and
slid the door shut.
punc: looked nervously around, as he
****************
Akane barely glanced at the door to the furo, as she well knew that
Ranma was inside.
suggest: as she knew that
("As she well knew" looks a little weird.)
Kasumi had recovered nearly instantly when Soun had started to call the
doctor. She'd once made a vow about dying first, and showed every
indication of keeping that vow.
Huh? A vow about dying first? You mean a vow to die
before seeing a doctor? If so, please make it clearer.
Although Akane was completely unselfconscious when it came to skin, as
well as pretty much everything else, even she was a little startled to
find her guest sitting on the edge of the furo and enjoying herself.
To say that Ranma-chan was startled, however, would have been a bit of
an understatement. He had the same look in his eyes that a rabbit has
as it's trying to guess the make of the car that's about to run over it
as he stared straight at Akane's nude form. And the first words out of
his mouth were, "Aww, geez. Not again."
suggest: when it came to skin (as well as ... everything else), even
(It's parenthetical information, so put it in parentheses.)
suggest: As he stared ... he had the same look in his eyes as ...
the car that's about to run it down.
(The sentence structure here is a little less convoluted.)
suggest: The first words out of his mouth
(The "And" is unnecessary.)
I'd assume that Ranma would... go about his business on one of
those bathroom stools. After all, people *bathe* in the furo. ^_^;
The buzzing of the vibrator seemed to add to the urgency of the
situation, but Ranma chose to forgo the option of shutting it off for
the somewhat more attractive option of covering her face with her hands
and blushing.
I'm afraid I don't buy this reaction. How is that a more attractive
option? At the absolute least I'd expect him to turn away. Maybe
he doesn't want to touch the evidence, but he can at least try to hide
it.
Akane's almost incessantly cheerful nature saved them both further
embarrassment from the awkward situation. "You know, if you cock your
hand just a little bit more and twist it like so..." Akane kneeled down
and reached to demonstrate.
gram: saved them both further embarrassment from
(Only the second "from" is needed.)
[...]
Akane shrugged. "Being friendly? It's no big deal, I've been caught
lots of times."
After the first few times I don't know if it
would be called "caught" ^_^ More like "seen".
[...]
"Excuse me, um, what are you doing now?" Ranma asked. "Oooh," Akane
replied as she ran the shower head down the front of her body, slowly.
Um, it's pretty obvious she's rinsing. ^_^;
"I'm getting wet, what does it look like I'm doing?"
Ranma's eyes nearly bugged out for the second time that day. "Um, yes,
ah ha, I see, no, I mean, I'm not looking, ah, could I please get a
little privacy?"
Okay, Ranma's question makes a lot more sense, now.
Akane reached over and carefully adjusted the water pressure and
temperature with one hand, keeping the nozzle pressed firmly against
her stomach. "Why?"
"Please? This is awkward."
Akane gasped as something occurred to her. "Oh, I'm so terribly sorry!
I'm being rude to a guest!"
Ranma looked puzzled despite himself.
"Here I am, hogging the shower when it's you as our guest who should be
allowed to use it! I'm so terribly sorry, here you can have it." Akane
pulled the shower head away and leaned forward so she could hand the
outstretched hose to Ranma.
Cute. :j
That wasn't quite what Ranma had in mind though, and she backed away
farther. "No, that's not what I meant..."
Backing away was probably a bad idea though, as it forced Akane to lean
a little bit more and start crawling in order to reach. She didn't
notice the slick spot, possibly from soap, on the tiles though, and
slipped.
punc: on the tiles, though, and
suggest: slick spot (possibly from soap) on the
(Again, parenthetical information.)
Her leg lashed out in a desperate attempt to keep her balance, striking
the cold water knob and somehow turning it on full. Her hand, already
outstretched in Ranma's direction, came down hard on the tiles between
Ranma's legs with the shower nozzle still clutched in it's grasp.
I'm a little unclear on how Akane could still reach the water knob.
You said she started to crawl to Ranma, so I assumed she's no longer
within reach of it.
A sudden high pressure blast of cold water, a body still warm from the
previous dip in the furo, and just the right angle...
suggest you put a verb here
or: a body ... in the furo, just the right angle, and...
[...]
Soun was kicking back with a newspaper and staring at the male form of
his friend that had just walked in from somewhere else in the house.
Nabiki could have been standing right there as well, but no one would
have noticed.
And why not? Kasumi and Soun are occupied, but Genma isn't. Also,
you're implying if anyone else came into the room, Nabiki would
somehow be invisible.
Reading on it looks like she's an another room, so I'd suggest:
Had Nabiki been in the room, no one else would have noticed.
Soun had just opened his mouth to say something to his old friend,
Genma had just opened his own mouth to say something back, and Kasumi
had just picked up a vase to dust it when a very loud, very high
pitched, piercing scream interrupted them all.
punc: to dust it, when a
suggest: a vase to dust
(The "it" isn't needed.)
punc: high-pitched.
suggest: very loud, very high-pitched scream
(I think is stands better without the "piercing". Also, this way
the adjectives describing the scream are all related with "very".)
"Glarg!" said Soun, covering his ears.
Genma choked on whatever he was about to say. *CRASH* went the vase as
Kasumi involuntarily dropped it, emitting a soft 'eep' of her own. A
distant thump was ignored by all present.
gram: Kasumi involuntarily dropped the vase with a *CRASH*, emiting
(As written, the vase is the subject, so it is the one emitting the
'eep'.)
I converted these evil characters to single quotes, too.
"PERVERT!" Ranma-chan screamed as he ran full speed through the house
and skidded to a halt in the living room, still panting. "There's a
pervert in the bathroom!"
Well this is an entertaining change of events. ^_^;;;
[...]
Akane sedately walked in behind Ranma, wearing a towel. "Excuse me? Who
is calling who a pervert?"
suggest: Who's calling whom a pervert?
or: Who are *you* calling a pervert?
She tried to stop herself, to no avail. With a certain sick
fascination, Kasumi's gaze slowly took in the water dripping from her
husband/wife onto the floor, the definite lack of clothing, the final
proof of Ranma's natural hair color, Ranma's deepening full body blush
that was rapidly approaching that color, and finally, Ranma's choice of
bathroom accessories.
*THUD*
Well, I'm a little lost, here. From Akane's comments about Ranma
"being the man," I thought she was supposed to be les/bi, and
reasonably happy to be engaged to girl-type Ranma. Only now it
sounds like Kasumi's the one who's been engaged.
You really need to put part two on your webpage!
Coming soon!
[...]
The next chapter of APCSCGR!
Acronyms are evil. :p
[...]
Visit my site! http://lavender.fortunecity.com/clockwork/416/index.html
You should also put a link to Two Types of Liars at the top of this
post, so people who are reading it can get the earlier parts.
This is one of the better lemons I've read that start from the
beginning of Ranma. You've changed the premise enough so that
it's perfectly in-character for this Ranma to get into sexual
situations as a girl. Also, it's different enough that I don't
feel like I'm just re-reading the beginning of the manga.
I thought the role-reversal with Ranma calling Akane the pervert
was a nice touch. :)
The spelling is fine but there are a few grammatical errors here
and there, and minor punctuation problems with commas, ending
sentences, and hyphenating some words. You also need to get
rid of all the non-ascii ("evil") characters, and replace them
with plain vanilla single- and double-quotes.
I also think that you could "push the envelope" a little bit more.
Akane makes a number of double-entendres that I weren't sure were
accidental on your part or not, since no one reacts to them.
When Akane says she wouldn't hurt Ranma unless he wanted her to,
I thought it might be an S&M reference, but a quote like that
would usually be accompanied by a smirk, or at least a seductive
smile, neither of which Akane gave.
When she said she was "getting wet" in the shower, it was
obviously a double entendre, but not played up, enough. She
says it completely matter-of-factly, when I would have expected
a conspiratorial smile or wink.
When Akane's "lust for battle" was slaked, I was awaiting a
statement like, "she prepared to slake another lust."
Have fun writing!
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"