At 11:41 PM 12/18/99 -0500, Mark MacKinnon wrote:
Hello, readers. It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, as most of you who
have
been following The Shadow Chronicles may recall, I've been promising to
get to
the part of the story featuring Ranko for quite some time. Of course, it's
also been quite some time since I managed to get anything posted here at all,
but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, I hope to start
posting regularly again, starting with this.
Funny, I said to someone just a few days ago, "I wish MacKinnon would post
again." :)
"It was," she said ruefully. "I wonder just who he irritated
to pull such an unpleasant duty shift?" Neptune shrugged the way
she did most everything, with a sort of languid elegance.
"I was just wondering the same thing," she murmured, "about
us." Uranus glanced back at the activity in front of the skyship
terminal building.
"What's that expression?" she asked. "It's a lousy job, but ..."
Paragraph arrangement seems awkward to me here--I'd recommend putting the
sentences that focus upon and identify Uranus and Neptune as the speakers
in the same paragraphs as their speech, e.g.:
Neptune shrugged the way she did {at} most everything, with a sort of
languid elegance. "I was just wondering the same thing," she murmured,
"about us."
Uranus glanced back at the activity in front of the skyship terminal
building. "What's that expression?" she asked. "It's a lousy job, but..."
Doing this, I think, makes the flow of conversation clearer to the reader.
What good a key, without a lock?
Well, if it's one of those big heavy keys, you could hit people over the
head with it...
The room was lit by an actinic flash, and a thunderous crack
made her cry out instinctively. Gritting her teeth, she cursed her
weakness, forcing her body to uncurl from the little ball it had
drawn into. Just the storm, she told herself sternly. Not afraid of a
storm, are you, Rei? Only little girls are afraid of storms. Now get
it together.
Funny. All the talk of keys and locks in the nightmare sequence made me
think this was Pluto dreaming, but I suppose Rei, with her visions, makes
as much sense.
I assume the Nightmistress is something about which more will be revealed
as the story progresses. This is obviously a different Sailor Moon
universe than the one we're used to; the talk of skyships in the
Neptune/Uranus opening has me presuming at that point that it was Crystal
Tokyo, but it obviously isn't--as you said, an alternate universe, some
place with more sophisticated (or at least different) technology than the
usual Sailor Moon continuity.
The storm peaked and began to wane, but the driving rain
continued on past dawn, cloaking the waking world in shades of
gray. Pale, watery light seeped through the windows of the plush
study, doing little to brighten the place. Dark and expensive
looking wood and leather dominated the room; along with an entire
wall of books, the decor suggested a somewhat masculine hand, but
the slim figure standing in front of the heavy desk was anything but.
Have I ever mentioned how much I like the vivid description in your
stories? It's always seemed detailed and complex without being excessively
verbose to me, something I've always tried to do within my own work.
But you couldn't stay away, could you? a mocking voice
came from deep within. You could have called her, sent her a
letter, but no, you WANTED to see her, didn't you? So much for
your oh-so-noble efforts to preserve her happiness. Unwilling to
deny yourself your true desires, eh, Sister of Shadows?
The slow revealing of the past leading to the unfamiliar present
(unfamiliar as canonical Sailor Moon, that is) reminds me of Angus
Macspon's "Sailor Moon 4200", another favourite of mine. Your handling of
it is equally proficient.
Usagi hummed under her breath as she rummaged through
the closet, throwing things onto the bed with careless abandon.
Just when she'd begun to despair at ever hearing from her friends
again, Rei showed up on her very doorstep! Rei; beautiful, hot-
tempered, stubborn, wonderful Rei. Usagi'd missed her so much;
no one had taunted her or called her clutz or slugabed in weeks!
I believe the usual spelling is "klutz", though I could be wrong about
this. Also, "slugabed" might sound better hypenated: "slug-a-bed".
Yes, she thought. A fine plan. They will be drawn, their nature
would not have it any other way. She shifted in her throne, cloaked
by the thick shadows, and raised one pale hand. As her loose
sleeve fell back she drew a long, sharp nail across the bared wrist
and flicked it carelessly away. Droplets of blood scattered to the
cold stone floor, and where each drop fell the air shimmered with
power. Shadow and blood merged, and the drops rippled and grew
into human sized forms. Each was identical, a tall female form with
long black hair and red eyes, cloaked in flowing robes. As one,
they fell to their knees before their mistress.
Wynneth? Obviously not the Wynneth of the Ranma continuity (the Ranma
continuity detailed within Shadow Chronicles, that is, not Ranko's... ahhh,
my brain hurts). Sounds like Wynneth. Wynneth's cool. I hope it's Wynneth.
But answers hadn't been anywhere to be found. So now I
was here, in Saeni. It was the capitol city of the kingdom of Altua,
and supposedly the biggest city on the continent. I'd heard a lot
about it, and it sounded like a place to go to look for answers.
Okay; it's not just a different Sailor Moon timeline, it's an entirely
different world--different cities and countries and everything.
Interesting.
"Well, you ARE living in sin," she pointed out. "People
might get the wrong impression." Usagi flushed.
"We're not doing anything wrong!" she shot back. "Mamo-
chan just offered me a place to stay until I can get back on my feet,
that's all!"
"Oh?" Rei murmured. "That doesn't explain why you
answered the door wearing his shirt, Usagi. JUST his shirt." Usagi
spluttered.
"Brat!" she snapped.
Same commentary about this section that I had about the opening
Neptune/Uranus dialogue--conversation would flow better if the sentences
drawing focus to a character were in the same paragraph as their speech.
I've got a thing about demons. I think it dates back to
when they killed the girl I loved, and my family and friends and
everybody in my whole damned world.
>From Usagi's appraisal of Ranko being nineteen or twenty, a few years
appear to have passed between his time in the first part of Shadow
Chronicles and where he is now. He obviously hasn't grown any less bitter
over the years--if anything, he seems even more cynical and nihilistic than
he did in Cast a Long Shadow.
Hotaru smiled, her lush lips parting. Nestled in their
softness, Setsuna could make out the tips of a pair of ivory fangs,
glistening in the soft glow of the room's only illumination.
"If you really want to help me, Setsuna," Hotaru breathed,
her voice a husky purr, "then come a little ... closer."
Outside, the storm returned.
Eep. A cliffhanger ending in the usual MacKinnon tradition.
***
I've made what commentary I could, but my usual forte (grammar corrections
and phrasing suggestions) falls apart in the face of such stylish, polished
prose as yours.
The characters are familiar--and yet unfamiliar at the same time, just as
the world is unfamiliar. There's hints (but few outright revelations) of a
deep and complex backstory--and, as always in this series, the shadows are
lurking in the background. Marvelously interwoven plot already,
multilayered without being too hard to follow. I suspect it will only get
better as it goes on.
Excellent job. Can't wait for more.
Ciao,
-Alan Harnum