[SPOILERS up to episode 18]
Ridiculous Thoughts
It was all my fault.
Sneaking around at night, stealing things to help people...or was it
because I wanted him to show up trying to catch me again? I mean, if all I
wanted to do was help people, he didn't have to be around, right?
Now he won't be around ever again.
He was so stupid. Not in the classroom. After all, he was the one
Sister assigned to tutor me in math. But he didn't know anything--about
who I really was and how I felt.
Maybe I'm the stupid one, for assuming he didn't.
You were always teasing me about him. Asking me how I felt about
helping Sayaka when she was in love with Asuka Jr. Saying that I must have
been looking forward to that Dolphins game that he wanted to see with me.
For someone who's going to be a nun, you spent an awful lot of time trying
to set me up with him.
Rina Takamiya. When she first showed up, she said she was going to
become a police detective one day and wouldn't let a petty thief like St.
Tail get in her way. But it seemed the only one she was really after was
him.
He said I looked beautiful. Rina didn't look too happy to hear
that. Of course, he tried to take it back by saying he was talking about
the wedding dress I was wearing. But it was nice of him to pay a compliment
to me, instead of St. Tail.
Then there was The Bet.
He agreed to date her if she could prove that I was St. Tail. I
wonder how he would have felt if she did. That look on their faces when he
and Rina thought St. Tail was a man dressing up as a girl was priceless.
He didn't mean anything to me--not then. But, when he told me--as
St. Tail--_why_ he made the bet with her, I couldn't help but cry, just a
little. Even if he didn't think of it as love, I had the feeling he cared
about me, hard as it may have been to believe at times.
Then there was the school festival.
That little superstition about taking a boy's lock and fastening it
to the east fence on the roof so you could dance with him. I had to tell
you about it, remember? I wanted to have Asuka's lock and dance with him.
So did Rina. It was just luck on my part that my caper for that night
involved opening his locker. I guess I have Sawatari to thank for that.
It worked, it really worked. Asuka just let me have his lock after
I took the film Sawatari stashed in his locker. He even got me away from
another boy who wanted me to dance with me. You should've seen him blush
when he realized he was holding my hand.
He asked me what I could've known about St. Tail. I told him flat
out _I_ was St. Tail. You were so shocked to hear me say it in front of
him. It was our little secret, after all.
I don't think he heard me; that, or he just couldn't believe what I
said. I broke my promise to him--to keep him informed about my capers. I
didn't think it was that important, certainly not to the point of him
wanting to meet with me as St. Tail without a case to go with it. He said
he was going to reveal my identity if I didn't, but it was just a bluff,
like you said it was. We talked on the phone, even though I was only inches
away from him as I leaned against his phone booth.
Sawatari had this awful crush on me. All I wanted to know was some
information about Princess Roza's Mirror that he _said_ was stolen by St.
Tail. Instead, he thought I was interested in his work and not just his
"undeniably dashing good looks." Asuka busted in just then; I guess he was
listening in on us. It almost seemed like he was jealous over me...and I do
believe he was.
After I got the mirror back, he asked me if I was at the auction
house. Did he see something in the mirror? Did he see my true self? If he
did, he wouldn't tell me about it.
Then there was the time when I watched this movie that Mom and Dad
recommended, with Ryoko and Kyoko. The leading man looked so much like
Asuka Jr., but he said we were being silly, mooning over true love.
I taunted him a bit, saying that there's no such thing as a perfect
girl. He countered by citing St. Tail as an example.
I said "I hate you!" to his face. But I didn't mean it; not really,
not in my heart. I've always been so impulsive.
We couldn't get tickets to the Tombstones concert. I was so happy
when Dad gave me a couple that he just happened to have. I was going to ask
Asuka to go with me, since I knew you weren't interested in that kind of
music. Then Rina beat me to the punch with front row seats, no less. I
just gave him the cold shoulder and wouldn't talk to him about it. If only
I knew that this would've been the last time we'd have one of those silly
fights.
Getting back that steel weathercock sculpture seemed simple enough.
You gave me the layout for the Misato Building and I did the legwork, as
usual. If it wasn't for him, I would've been killed by the electric current
that was running through the statue. I'm sorry I wasn't able to return the
favor.
I made my way inside to avoid being captured and he followed me.
The building's security was activated and these steel shutters started to
seal off the hallway I was running down. It was only when he screamed that
I realized what happened; a haunting cry that echoed in my soul.
I wasn't able to save him. I was a split second too late to do
anything. His upper body was nearly separated from the lower half, blood
and guts adding a dreadful splash of color to the steel and concrete cocoon
we found ourselves in.
I don't know how I managed to pull myself together long enough to
escape. I shouldn't have run away like a coward; I should've stayed, even
if it meant being caught because I deserved to be.
Detective Asuka arrested Mr. Misato, but Asuka Jr. didn't--he
couldn't--know about it. They were miraculously able to get him to the
hospital. A sunken cavity where his midsection ought to have been was
evident underneath the white sheets. Respirators and other machinery tended
to the business of keeping him alive. I visited as much as I could, trying
to hold on to him, just a little longer.
He died less than a week after that fateful night.
Even though he couldn't scream or even cry through the mess of tubes
and I.V. lines, I felt his pain--the pain I gave him.
If he had died silently, quickly, peacefully--maybe that would've
made a difference. Then I wouldn't be doing what I'm about to do.
Everyone in class was shocked, but Rina was the most. She swore
that "that worthless thief St. Tail" would pay for doing this to him. If
she still suspected I was St. Tail, then I would have gotten what I deserved
--from her.
Seira, please take of Ruby.
Dear God, please forgive me...for these ridiculous thoughts.
Johann Chua -- HP: <http://www.geocities.com/fuuma_1999/>
CLAMP Fan Fiction: <http://members.xoom.com/fuuma_monou/clampfix5.0/>
"Sex is only good when it involves XX-chromosomed people"--overheard on #anime!