nikholas f. toledo zu proudly presents...
the great evangelion christmas spam
(what should have been 'the great evangelion christmas scramble')
by nikholas 'mayhem' f. toledo
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����� "AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! Get away from me!"
����� Shinji shrank away, his face pale as he tried to distance himself
through the bathroom wall. "A-Asuka! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!? IS THAT
CONTAGIOUS OR SOMETHING?!?"
����� "I don't know, dammit!" the second child moaned. "Now how can I
pilot my EVA?!? How can I go to school? How can I face Kaji-kun? My
social life's ruined!"
����� Misato slammed the door open. "It's too early! What the heck is
going---" She stepped back. "Gosh, Asuka! What happened to you?"
����� "I don't know..." Asuka replied, looking at herself in the mirror.
"God! It itches!"
����� "Stop that!" Misato ordered. "Doing that won't make it go away."
Then she added as an afterthought, "and Shinji, what she has isn't
contagious. But you'll get it, in a few years or so, and it'll look like
the one your father has..."
����� "WHAT?!?" Shinji screamed. "It's going to look like my father's?
His is a little bit misshapen. Why shouldn't it grow like Asuka's? I've
never seen anything so... so well formed."
����� "YOU AREN'T HELPING ME ONE BIT!!!" Asuka grabbed a nearby razor and
tried fiercely to get rid of the growth she had found on her body. "AAK!
It's growing again! What the heck is wrong with me?!?"
����� "I'd dare say..." Misato tried to force back a laugh, "You've grown
up to be a fine young man, Soryuu Asuka Langley."
����� Asuka glared once more at the two of them, her full growth of hair
on the lower half of her face looking ridiculous in the morning sunshine,
and slammed the door shut. "I'm going to get rid of this even if it kills
me."
*****
����� "Uh..." Misato looked at Shinji's young face and realized
something. "Asuka... I'd like to tell you that the razor you're using..."
����� "SHUT UP!!!"
����� "Misato..." Shinji caught on surprisingly fast. "Shouldn't you tell
her?"
����� Misato sighed. "Oh well... She'll figure it out, eventually."
*****
����� Ritsuko almost dropped her cup of coffee. "WHAT?!? Asuka's grown a
beard?"
����� "Full grown in fact, with a mustache," Misato replied. "You'd swear
she was a guy. Never seen anything like it. That is, anything that wasn't
fake."
����� She gave a weary sigh. "You should have seen the ruckus she made at
home when she found out that someone switched her facial cleanser with a
tub of minodoxil. If she finds the people who did it..." she did not
bother to explain what was going to happen. "Think it will affect her
performance as a pilot?"
����� Ritsuko thought for a while. "Not really... There's a small matter
of a reduced synchro rate since she's going to think of how she looks
when she pilots the EVA---"
����� Her voice suddenly trailed off. "You know, I just got an idea..."
����� Misato got scared of the sudden intense look on Ritsuko's face as
she stood up to leave. "Where are you going?"
����� "To Commander Ikari," she replied mysteriously. "This is going to
be good news to him..."
*****
����� In Commander Ikari's windowed (understatement) room, the
aforementioned person placed one of his phones back on the cradle and
wearily slumped back on his chair.
����� "Having any luck?" asked Fuyutsuki.
����� Gendo replied with one of his long-winded philosophical
discussions. "Mankind's evolution is strange, isn't it? Throughout
history, it had always been the survival of the fittest. A long time ago,
a man had to be fit or die. Because of science, man has no need to be fit
physically anymore, for he has machines to do the work for him. Now, man
is fit only because it is fashionable to be fit, and he pays good money
to do this, whereas before, it came free."
����� Fuyutsuki didn't quite catch his drift this time. "So what's your
point?"
����� "There aren't any fat guys in the whole of NERV..." Gendo said
gravely. "Nor in Committee, nor in the whole of Tokyo-3, nor the entire
blasted Evangelion Universe, for that matter."
����� Fuyutsuki winced at the non-politically correct-ness of Gendo's
statement. "I think that the job description called for a man of not-so-
excess girth with a jolly disposition." But the weariness came to him as
well. "Now what are we going to do for the party tonight?"
����� It was at this time that Ritsuko made an appearance. "I have a
plan!" she declared.
*****
����� "What was the plan again?" whimpered Shinji, but let Misato
continue her ministrations on him. "And do I really have to do this?"
����� "Of course you do..." She made a few more adjustments and stepped
back, eyeing Shinji carefully. "Wow, it looks good on you, Shinji!"
����� Shinji gazed at his reflection. A 14-year-old Evangelion pilot
wearing a reindeer costume and deer antlers stared back. "I think I'm
going to die."
����� "There you go again, Shinji," she sighed in exasperation. "Why
don't you act like a man for once." She placed a shiny-red globe on
Shinji's nose. "Look at Rei, she's not complaining one bit."
����� "But Rei is Rei is Rei!" complained Shinji, but turned his eyes to
the First Child. She looked positively stunning in her Christmas elf
costume.
����� Shinji looked once more at his dopey reflection. "Why does it seem
that I'm always at the losing end of the deal?" Shinji whimpered again.
����� Misato shook her head and gave up. "But at least," she compromised,
"someone else got the short straw this time..."
*****
����� "... and I want my own Bible Action Figure, the new King David with
the Slingshot Spin button... and... uh... the walking and talking
Gorbachev doll, so I could complete my Soviet Union leaders doll
collection... and... uh... my own Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo
Construction Set... and... I... have I told you about the Bible Action
Figure yet, Santa?"
����� Asuka, wearing her red thermal plug suit, a red hat and her
infamous beard groaned at the kid on her lap and on the long line of
children still waiting outside. "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?" she
thought.
*****
closing song (in the tune of rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer):
shinji, the spineless baka
had a pathetic attitude
and if you ever saw him
you'd say he lacked aptitude
all of the other people
used to laugh and call him names
they never let poor Shinji
join in any reindeer game
then one balmy regular day
gendo came to say
'shinji, with your utter plight
won't you ride the EVA tonight?'
all of the other people
went out of their way to flee
shinji, the spineless baka
will put an end to history
will put an end to history!
epilogue
---------
����� Classes stared a few days later.
����� "It's a good thing you managed to get that beard off," Shinji tried
to make a decent conversation at the breakfast table. "Did you ever find
out who switched your facial cleanser with that tub of minodoxil?"
����� Asuka grunted and went to her room. "Let's just say they got what
they deserve..." was all she said.
����� The doorbell chimed, Shinji opened the apartment door to find the
angstful looking pair of Kensuke and Touji. "What happened to you guys?"
����� They looked at each other. "All we got for Christmas was a lump of
coal!" they cried.
merry christmas to all, and to all a good fibrous diet!
nikholas 'mayhem' f. toledo
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