At 08:08 PM 12/31/99 -0500, Hayashi wrote:
Dedicated to we who do not know tears for whatever reason: whether
it be because we lack that primal ability, or merely forgot the
secret of their making, or any other reason.
Ranma 1/2 is the work of Rumiko Takahashi. This is an unlicensed
use of Ranma 1/2, and the characters/situations/stories of Ranma
1/2. I do claim credit for this and ask that if you do decide to
pass it on to someone that you do so in whole and not in part,
along with proper accreditation, as I am doing here. Thank you for
your time, and have a merry new year.
The Memory of Tears
a working title
A birthday. A seventeenth birthday, to be a bit more accurate.
Ranma's seventeenth birthday, if you want to be really precise.
There was a party-- much to his dismay, if you were wondering, but
you would be the only one doing so. Genma insisted there be one,
I would put everything after the em-dash in a bracket, instead.
"There was a party (much to his dismay)." Also cutting out the
extraneous narrator bit there.
though. Soun had insisted there be one as well. Even so, there
No need for the word "though."
and most nourishing of riches which never emptied. Never for one
I'm going to assume you meant to say 'rices' or 'rice' instead of
'riches.' This is the reason I disdain the use of spellcheckers--
they don't find homonyms or mistakes of this sort (typos), and if
I'm not absolutely sure of the spelling of a word, well, I've
got my trusty Chambers Dictionary. ^_^
Genma placed the empty glass carefully on the tray and looked
up at his audience to once again continue his tale. "He cried, of
course. Tears streamed out of his eyes, and down his face, and they
fell onto the floor, spattering and gushing out obscenely in the
Land of No Tears.
I like the use of the word, 'obscenely.'
Genma sighed. "There really isn't much left to tell. Ichijin
wandered around Japan for a little longer, helping the poor with
money from what he received from Aisai and food from the magical
sack. Because of his deeds, which brought him to the notice of the
Court, he was allowed a last name: he chose Saotome, in honour of
Aisai. Finally settled down in a place that was not too
disagreeable with him. Eventually, he married again, because it was
expected of a young, rich man with a family name and you did what
was expected of you, and his wife-- whom he did not love but liked
well enough --gave him the one thing that Aisai did not: an heir,
which is where we are descended from."
This brings me to a point which also reflects later on in the story.
The lack of an heir by Aisai, as well as the not aging-- why? Combine
it with the saying of Shampoo's (no tears, no laughter, no life), which
I think should be brought up earlier in the fic, so it can resonate more
in it, is it a land of the living? The dispossessed, or something? Some
more interaction with those who people the Land of No Tears might be called
for. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who thinks so. It is a theme to
be brought up (like, why the populating of the land from so many disparate
cultures?).
"A most strange and potent work, it transformed the tear into a
diamond, to last until it was needed no more. The spell insured
that we would always have at least one child be a son, to pass it
along to the next generation."
I'll assume that she still has the diamond, since we never see it, and
that in the next generation the cycle will still continue. Hrm-- might be
interesting to take a brief look at what happens then-- a flash forward
into the future. A post-epilogue, of sorts, maybe?
Might want to mention it again, when we see her, because otherwise
this passage is (somewhat) wasted.
"To cry," Genma said. "Tears, real tears do not come easily to
Saotome men-- I think it is because of the magic of the spell, and
each generation it becomes harder and harder. The tsubo point
Happousai used would be useless, that place would know the
difference. Forcing him away from his mother, the Neko-ken, other
things-- designed not only to make him a better martial artist, but
also to learn tears. Instead, it only made him harder-- tougher,
less likely to cry.
Henh. A somewhat more faithful interpretation of Genma than that of many.
Still somewhat foolish, with his attempts to help Ranma to learn tears,
yet he does have his sons interests in mind, and of course his plans
backfire.
I like this-- not something you often see, and it is quite
refreshing.
"Perfect," Ranma whispered.
I like the repetition of this phrase, especially coming from Ranma.
Makes the ending more... well, just more. If you could increase it,
especially in the beginning (before she takes him), the sense I get
from it might be increased.
And the secret of her smile was revealed in full, outshining
the sun with its brightness and its warmth. "Then that is my name,
Ten'imuhou." Her laughter trilled through the air. "You can call me
Ten," she coyly amended, cocking her head to one side, still
smiling and touching Ranma gently on the nose with her finger. "But
only you can do that."
***
"So," Akane said, starting off the meeting in her room, "what
are we going to do about Ranma?"
"Must rescue him!" Shampoo piped up. "Is obvious!"
"I find myself in the somewhat distasteful position of
agreeing. My Ranma must be saved at all costs," Kodachi agreed,
"even if it means allying myself with lowly ones such as
yourselves." Kodachi gaze swept the room, encompassing the other
women: Akane, Shampoo and Ukyo.
Shampoo stood up, clenching her fists. "What you mean by
'lowly ones?'" she said, looming over Kodachi.
Kodachi stood up as well. "If you do not know what I mean...
well, I should expect that from one such as yourself," she
disdainfully countered.
Ukyo slammed her hand against Akane's desk. "Listen! Ranma's
still gone, and fighting with each other isn't going to get him
back!"
Shampoo nodded. "You make good sense. Truce. For now."
Kodachi nodded slowly. "For now," she agreed.
Akane merely shook her head wearily. This could take a while.
Ranma better appreciate this. "What we need to do is see if we can
find that cave. I wonder if uncle Saotome knows where it is?"
Shampoo cracked her knuckles. Ukyo flexed her hands, gripping
something that wasn't there, yet, and said, "Only one way to find
out." Both girls looked at each other and smiled by far too
toothily.
Genma offered to show them to the cave.
***
Ranma sighed. Of course there would be water-- no place was
safe from Jusenkyo. Looking down though, he noticed something odd
about his chest-- mainly that it was still _his_ chest, and not
_her_ chest. "What...," Ranma asked, "Why?"
Ten'imuhou blinked. "Is something wrong, beloved?"
"I didn't change," Ranma said, astonished. "I mean... the
curse... why?"
Ten'imuhou laughed again. "Outside magics and curses do not
work in our land."
Curiouser and curiouser. Again, I must note, something strange and
somewhat disturbing/ominous about this land. However, I'm also thinking
that it is perhaps best if left up to the reader, and not explicitly
stated as to the why's and the how's of this place. The place, and the
story, of course, might lose some of its mystique and suffer as a result.
Ten'imuhou stood and looked down on Ranma. She adjusted the
blanket to cover him, and then kissed his brow twice. "My poor
Ranma, my darling Ranma, my bright and shining Ranma. You have had
a hard life, haven't you?" She nodded and continued on, saying, "It
will be better now, I will make sure of that. I will help you
forget your past. We shall be happy together here.
Forgot a closing quotation mark.
Ranma wandered around the Flower Palace, Ten'imuhou ever
present by his side. The people loved him as their ruler's
soon-to-be husband/ruler himself. His innocence from much of the
outside world and forthright attitude was something they
appreciated, and given time his rough edges would be polished. In a
land without death, patience was a common enough trait.
Meetings with the populace could occur here, potentially.
This did not go over well with the trio of fiancees. The least
extreme action was a frown, held by Akane. The most was somewhat
more threatening. Shampoo became their spokeswoman through force of
will-- she spoke, and said what was on all their minds. "Where
Isn't the phrase normally "through sheer force of will"?
A flurry of activity ensued, as the trio quickly ate and flew
about the room hastily, looking for the right dress, the right
make-up, where's the bath? get out of my way, you!
Has somebody taken one of my rants on narration and narrators to
heart? ^_^
Note how the narrator is speaking for the three girls here, voicing
their thoughts. I like! I like! :)
"You don't think I was going to give him up, just like that, do
you?" Ten'imuhou said sweet and smiling and very cold and very
imperious. "You start to forget the outside world, the longer you
stay here, and time runs differently in these lands" Ten'imuhou
continued. "If there is some very powerful reason, however" she
amended, "you will not to forget."
Plus, Ranma's got a history of forgetting, well, his history. ^_^
I wonder if that, too, could thererfore be attributed to Ten'imuhou?
Her spell cast on the bloodline has another effect Genma is unaware
of, perhaps? :)
Shampoo nodded vigorously. "My plan very simple, anyway. Old
saying, 'If you cannot weep, you cannot laugh, and if you cannot
laugh, you cannot live.' Will make Ranma live, that's all.."
I commented on this statement before, and how I would like to see
it mentioned earlier, so it has more time to get layered.
"I was thinking the same thing myself," Akane said, somewhat
pensively. She turned suddenly to look at Shampoo. "So, do you need
See? Even Akane agrees with me! ^_^
"No secret, I'm just going to get him to remember, Akane.'
Ukyo's face brightened as she changed the subject. "Hey, you ever
notice in movies and stuff, it always comes down to the last
person? Everyone else tries and fails until there's only one left,
and that person succeeds?" Akane nodded at the pause, at which
At least you point out that convention ^_^
Akane nodded, held out her pinkie finger as well, to pinkie
promise and said, "To rescue that fool."
Going to rescue/help Ranma, all the while protesting it ^_^
Yup! Sounds about right. I like that in this story, it's a
reversal of the roles, with Ranma being the one getting
kidnapped and rescued... although one may wonder if he wants
rescuing, yes? :)
laying out some cutlery. Ukyo was busy opening up another basket
containing food, and was rapidly developing a twitch in her eye,
mirrored by the one Akane had. The reason for the facial tics could
be attributed to Ten'imuhou, who was resplendent as ever and busy
fussing over Ranma. What made it worse was Ranma's calm, no,
contented acceptance of it. When he gave her a peck on the nose,
something snapped.
Akane noted everyone looking at her. She looked down at her
hands and noted the broken chopsticks and laughed uneasily. "Oops,"
she said and tittered uneasily. Ranma and Ten'imuhou shrugged it
off. Ukyo looked at Akane and nodded; Akane returned the nod.
Wow! Genma doesn't come off as greedy scum, and Akane as not stark-
raving psychotic! How unusual, these days, it seems! No real
character bashing, and no real sanctifying of characters, as well!
I am astonished! ^_^
"Do you remember," Ukyo suddenly began as she turned to Ranma,
"the fun we used to have when we were little?" She was smiling,
just a little, anxious to see Ranma's reaction, to see if he still
remembered. After a moment of intense concentration, he nodded,
grinning. She sighed with relief, a breath she did not know she was
holding escaped.
"Yeah, like the time we got rid of the Gambling King? Those
were fun days, Ucchan," he reminisced, shifting to a more upright
position.
Ukyo's eyes were hooded, and her face a careful and serious
blank when she said, "I was thinking of other times, Ranma. A boy,
a girl, though the boy didn't know she was one, then. You, me, your
father. A promise that was made. A promise that was broken. And the
boy, his father, left without the girl, without me, even though she
was supposed to go, too. And so the girl, me, I was left there,
alone. Everyone around me, the whispers, the rumours, the snide
comments behind my back when they thought I couldn't hear. That
little girl heard." Akane's eyes were bulging out, waving franticly
and trying to catch Ukyo's attention, to no avail. Ukyo continued
on her tale, as inexorable as death.
"And she was alone, so terribly alone, without the boy, without
you, like it was promised, like it was supposed to be." Ukyo
watched Ranma intently now, examining his face for any sign of
weakening; but instead she only found confusion. "So the girl, to
stop all the names, all the rumours, all the pain, decided to
become a boy, forevermore.
Well, I don't see Ukyo as normally talking like this, but then again
she does want to make it sound more dramatic or pitiable or story-like,
and she could have been practicing her speech during the night. ^_^
only just, now, Ukyo being little more than an apparition. "Never
die? Never age? Get out of here as fast as you can, Ranchan. You
too, Aka," and then she was gone.
want to change Aka to Aka--, to denote that the word (Akane) is being
cut off.
Ranma watched Akane disappear as well. She was crying. There
were tears in her eyes. One of the tears was still burning a hole
into the ground. Tears. Ranma looked at a fizzling and crackling
tear, face expressionless. He looked up. There was Ten'imuhou,
smiling beneficently at him, arms held out towards him and wrists
facing upwards. Ranma walked towards her, slowly, inexorably.
There was a book, on the ground. Akane dropped it, before she
faded away. It was thin, and bound in leather. He stooped down and
picked it up, opening it.
"What is it, beloved?" Ten'imuhou asked, all gentle and kind.
Ranma looked inside. Pictures. They were pictures. A family
album, in fact. The Saotome family album, to be precise. Pictures
of him as a child on his father's shoulders, waving at the camera.
Pictures of him laughing, of him in a gi being taught a kata.
Pictures of him as a younger child, sitting with Ukyo on a log,
eating okonomiyaki. Pictures of... pictures of....
The last page, the one Ranma did not want to turn, but did,
held but one picture. A woman, not very old. Such a kind face.
Wearing a kimono. This look of such calm and gentle and absolutely
intense joy on her face-- it was obvious there was nothing else she
would rather be doing. But she wasn't the only one in the picture.
Oh no. Her face was bent downwards, to the one on her knee. A
child, one year old, tops. Sleeping peacefully. Ranma. The child
was him. That made her, made her, made her--
--Ranma looked up from
the book and at Ten'imuhou. "Mother?" he whispered. "Mother!" he
cried out, vision blurring from the sudden wetness on his face on
the bright, cloudless day.
Ten'imuhou shrieked, "No! Not again! Not you, not again! Don't,
Ranma, please, don't! Not this, not now, please!" But it was too
late. The first tear was already on its way down, was already
sinking deep into the earth, was already eating away at the world,
was already causing Ranma to fade away.
I just wanted to say that I really liked this section. The buildup,
the tension, the solving of the mystery of the book, and Ranma's
realisation. ^_^
Definitely the climax of the story.
Epilogue:
Ranma looked out the window, looked out into the grey sky and
the drab, colourless city, cloaked in white snow and grey slush,
perched on the ledge with his head resting on both the palm of his
hand and against the glass pane. "Perfect," he whispered to
himself.
"Ranma?" Akane asked tentatively, having just entered the room
and accidentally overhearing Ranma's musing.
Ranma swung his gaze towards Akane, the faraway, wistful look
never leaving his face.
"Ranma?" Akane repeated. "Are you... are you all right?" she
asked, equal parts hope and dread.
A toothy grin cracked Ranma's sombre exterior. "I'll be fine,
Akane. It's just--" Ranma waved an arm about uselessly, remaining
on his perch on the sill. "I dunno. It was... it was...," Ranma
shook his head and grabbed at the empty air with the waving arm. "I
just need some time, I think. I'll be fine."
Akane nodded. "Well... if you... --need... you-know-that-I...."
Akane's head bobbed up and down almost furiously, nodding to
herself and speaking without actually saying anything.
"I know," Ranma whispered, closing his eyes. "Don't worry,
Akane," he said, far too quietly and far too calmly for Ranma as he
once was, but it was, as he said, still very soon.
Akane nodded again, this time with less effort-- a curt little
gesture and nothing more, then left the room Ranma shared with his
father, but not before seeing a small smile in Ranma's face when he
looked at her, illuminated by a faint ray of sunshine from the
window. It was not everything, but it was a start: it was enough.
Ranma returned his gaze to the outside, feeling the cool glass
against his eyebrow. "Perfect," he said again, though whom or what
he was referring to is not for you nor I to know.
Good ending. Nice release after the climax.
All in all an enjoyable fic. I like the way you layered some things.
Repetition of certain key phrases and ideas served to strengthen them
in the right places, although there was a whole lot of smiling and
grinning going on (a thesaurus, perhaps, or a reworking of some of those
passages to give the same effect, without using those particular words?).
I've made mention of most of my general comments already, throughout the
fic.
C&C is welcomed, appreciated, and generally a nice idea, and
although I'm only on the FFML in vacation mode I do check the
archives on a regular basis, but would ask that at the very least
you CC it to me. Thank you very much for your time.
Well, I feel like posting to the FFML as well as sending it private,
because I haven't seen any other responses to it, and I think that
there's room for some discussion of it. That, and there's a whole
lot of spam under which it might have got deluged. Honestly, people--
were all the replies, and all the public replies, necessary? Just
think a moment before you post, yes?
Matthew Lewis is:
a proud member of Lumpy Pot Productions:
http://www.lumpypot.com
in need of updating his webpage at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/9345/index.html
now possessing an ICQ number, although you gotta ask
him to find out what it is ^_-
____________________________________________________
"The best in our natures is drowning in the worst."
-Lady Spenta Cama, The Ground Beneath Her Feet
by Salman Rushdie
____________________________________________________