--- Bryan Croft <bryandc@mail.yahoo.com> wrote:
Author's Notes:
This is my first fanfic attempt, It is a short very
rough draft of the
start Depending on the responses I will dump it or
try to develop the
story. (I have more penned out but want to gage a
response before I
put more time into this.) If I develop it I plan
to add part of vol.
38 in as a back story and further flush out the
details. Be as cruel
as you want it will help me learn to develop better
stories. What
Okay.
The Continuation
Volume 0
--back story with translation of parts of book 38--
Chapter 1 - The Aftermath
<Do you really love me Akane?> Ranma thought as he
sunk in to the
furo. <I don't know it seems the only reason she
You should probably end the sentence with 'know' and
start anew with 'it'.
This is correct, but I think it would sound better if
you remained consistent with the phrasing of Ranma's
first thought and made the second one more like he's
talking to her by changing 'she' to 'you'. Or you
could change the first thought to fit the second one.
went along with the
wedding was the because of the Nannichuan water.>
<Then again am I really ready to get married. I was
again,
married?
knocked out and
thrown into a tux and then told the wedding was on.
At first I
really did not want to marry Akane then but when I
saw how beautiful
she looked>
Akane: Oh, so you just want me for my body?
Ranma: I said you were beautiful. If it was about a
good body, I'd be with Shampoo in a second.
You need a period after 'looked'
<I... I do love her I did Not realize how much until
de-capitalize 'Not'
I thought
Saffron had killed her. I Would have traded places
de-capitalize 'Would'
with her. If
That seems pretty weak. Maybe you could add a phrase
or something to help show the emotion Ranma is
feeling. such as:
I would have given anything to trade places, anything
not to see her hurt.
Saffron told me the only way to bring back Akane was
to die myself
I... I... would. The hurt I felt when I thought she
died was so
great, I know my life would not be complete>
Stay consistent with the tense this story is being
told in.
know-->knew
<I Want to tell her how I feel but, something always
de-capitalize 'Want'
happens and
Akane takes out her mallet and hits me. Why can't
Akane: Yeah, you make fun of me, baka.
she let me
explain the situation she never listens she always
assumes the worst
of me>
You need to either seperate this into sentences or
find a way to combine them all into something OTHER
than one of the world's biggest run-on. such as:
Why can't she let me explain the situation? She never
listens. She always assumes the worst of me.
<I wish I knew how you felt>
I wish you would puncuate your sentences. Yes, it's a
thought, but it's still a sentence, and sentences need
to be puncuated.
<I really do want to marry you, but are we ready.
ready?
Perhaps it is
best we wait, we are only 17 and we have a year of
school left>
left.
Once again, you're changing the way Ranma's phrasing
his thoughts. I think it would work MUCH better if you
picked one way and stayed with it.
Ranma sighed as he turned over and looked at the
clock, "Whoa! I
been in here an hour." Ranma exclaimed as he quickly
Well, it sure feels like it. These introspection
things get kinda boring once you've read the same
thing many times in other fics.
The period after 'hour' should be a comma.
exited the furo
and dressed.
<...>
Akanes Diary entry
Dear Diary: feb 1996
-----
What a day, That baka Ranma just passed me in the
hall on the way to
take his bath. Why didn't he say anything to me. I
know something
is wrong that forced smile he had on his face. If
I think you mean 'something is wrong with that
forced...'
we could just talk
I know... think we could work it out.
talk,
I know he loves me loves me why can't
he just say it.
Maybe it's because you don't know how to use question
marks, Akane. =P
I want to tell him I feel the same way but I want to
way,
hear him say it first.
Well my wedding was ruined, I can thank Nabiki for
I think it would go better if you changed the comma
after ruined' to a period.
that. We tried
to have a small wedding but Nabiki printed up
wedding,
hundreds of invitations
and sold them to his fianc�es, rivals, and about
everyone in school.
His fianc�es tried to stop the wedding and when
wedding,
Genma and Moose
heard about the Nannichuan the house was destroyed.
From what I
heard she had made a good profit, until dad forced
her to pay for the
house repairs. To top it all off Happosai drank the
Nannichuan water
water,
leaving Ranma cursed.
My thought are still drawn to that smile of his.
Was it forced or
forced,
was it a smile of relief the wedding failed. When
failed?
he first came
through this morning he looked upset that we were to
be married. I
want to know what he is feeling, If I can just ask
de-capitalize 'If'
him.
-----
Akane paused as she heard the door to the furo open.
<he should be
He
at my door by now> "Ranma you baka..." "please
now.
No need for the quotes after the ellipses.
talk to me" she
me,
whispered after a few seconds pause. Akane's heart
sunk and she
resumed writing as she heard the door to Ranma's
room slide shut.
-----
Ranma I know you love me. I heard you after you
saved me from
Saffron. Why don't you admit it. Do you think I
it?
Ranma: Learn how to use question marks, then we'll
talk.
will mad.
add 'be' after 'will'
Akane closed and hid her diary. <Tomorrow after I
Tomorrow,
talk to Nabiki,
I... I will try to talk to you. I'll try not to get
mad.> Akane
My suggestion is to treat the symbols you use to
puncuate thoughts and quotation marks. So, the period
after 'mad' should be a comma.
thought as she turned out her light and went to
sleep.
Well, the story itself is composed mostly of stuff
readers have probably seen a dozen times before.
That's okay, but I highly suggest you try to make the
next chapter more interesting. You travel well-trodden
paths, and it might be hard to come up with something
original, but you need to understand that there've
been lots of people before you who have had the same
ideas and lots more people who've read fics with those
ideas.
IMO, Ranma's thoughts are too numerous for you to keep
it the way you have it. Try to incorporate them into
the narration, instead. It might be trickier, but the
result would be better than what it is now, which is
more like dialogue between Ranma and the wall.
Akane's diary entry is much better, because there's no
problem with her thoughts being like in a 1st person
narrative. You also show her feelings and express her
emotions well.
That's all for now.
=====
-----
L.A.
-----
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