The Insanity. A self-insertion tale.
[Warning Darkfic]
Give this one a minute, I know what it seems like in the beginning. This
is the most twisted Dark comedy/ Horror fic I have ever produced.
Knowledge of Evangelion helps a bit too.
[Spoiler Alert]
A Dark fic Parody by Carrot Glace.
Hassan Toth jammed his thrusters forward as he blasted through the outer
rings of the near by planet; warning lights blared as he spun through the
rocky inner ring and avoided the turbo lasers that shattered through the
space debris as he pulled on the side thrusters and spun to face the two
much larger ships in pursuit. His partner screamed at him in his
reptilian slur as the man chewed spastically on the gum in his mouth as
sparks flew from the computer systems. "Come on you son's of bitches!" he
snarled as the sirens flashed across the view screen as he barreled past
one of the police cruisers in a desperate gamble to escape. The price on
his head was high and unfortunately the few bounty hunters dumb enough to
try and collect it had finally caught up with him; behind him a small
cloaked ship tore through the hull of the small starship. The precious
oxygen was sucked from the cabin as he tried to scream, the ship exploded
in a spectacular shower of sparks and flame as the fuel and air tanks
overheated and ended his reign as the number one criminal in the know
galaxy. The pieces drifted through space, a few even making escape
velocity and drifting into the void of space.
Thirty years later, in the atmosphere of the planet earth a small red
laced piece of debris streaked across the sky, the size of the chunk was
only about an inch in diameter as it landed on a sidewalk in the upper
portion of the state known as Florida. It landed not with an explosion or
a devastating crunch that could be felt for miles around, but rather
unspectacularly with a tiny splat.
Not more than a half hour later Jon Southers walked from his home and
twirled his keys around his fingers as he stepped out to his job as a
short order cook for a small locally owned restaurant. He whistled a
cheery tune as he moved towards his run down 86' Ford Taurus, the car had
a large dent in the front from before he had owned it. Surprisingly he
had a perfect driving record despite the appearance of his car; not so
much as a speeding ticket; it paid to be cautious he supposed.
He was an average young man of eighteen years, his short cut brown hair
was still wet from his morning shower and his build was not muscular, but
fit none the less. He had just graduated high school and had been a
mediocre football player for his high school team; he had never taken a
martial arts class and had an only average school record. To put it
simply he had a pretty boring life, just broken up with his long time
girlfriend and a closet Anime fan. He stopped when he felt something
squish on his foot.
"Aww, man!" he looked down and frowned at the pink gooey length of
chewing gum that was sticking to his shoe in disgust. So enriched in the
phenomenon of filth he failed to notice his reality shift suddenly.
Glancing around for a rock he contented himself with dragging his foot
along the ground in an attempt to free himself without using his hands;
only when he looked up and saw his car was missing did he realize
something was wrong. "What the hell?" he almost jumped out of his skin
when a young Asian girl turned the corner of the street he was standing
on, she had short cut blue brown hair and was dressed in a school
uniform. "Where's my house?" He had been in a residential area and found
himself in a weird looking city.
The girl gasped suddenly and stared at him in shock, he was about to ask
her where he was when she rushed forward and grabbed him around his neck;
he stepped back in shock as the fourteen year old girl kissed him dead on
the lips and probed his mouth with her tongue. "I love you."
"Wha? Who the? What's going on here!!" he pushed her back gently, she
was pretty but looked a little sickly, her voice was quiet and she had a
familiar air about her.
She stepped back flustered and blushed. "I apologize I was overcome."
"I'll say, who the hell are you? Where am I?" he looked at her in
confusion and was pretty unnerved by the whole experience.
"You are in Tokyo 3, and I am Ayaname Rei," she replied and looked away
from him; he noticed she was speaking pretty mechanically.
"That's it, I need a cigarette," he pulled a white and gold pack from
his pocket and lit it up with shaking hands. The girl watched him
curiously and smiled to herself.
"You are new here, come with me," he nodded and followed as he waited to
wake up from this surreal experience.
He found himself in a small apartment with the girl, it was completely
barren save for a dresser and a bed, he also noted that it was a complete
mess. "Hey I don't mean to pry, but is this your house?" he mentally
kicked himself as he said this, "Of course it's Rei's apartment, you've
seen it before."
She smiled slightly and began to undress in front of him. "You can sit
there," the girl indicated the bed to him and he simply stared in
disbelief.
"Hey, what are you planning?" he backed away in alarm.
"I must take a shower, we can talk in a moment." He calmed down quite a
bit and sat nervously on the bed waiting as she walked by him in the
nude.
"What the hell? This has got to be the strangest dream I've ever had."
He looked at his hand and frowned as a faint blue glow appeared there; he
sucked in a sharp breath and shook it violently in an attempt to
extinguish the flames.
"Is something wrong?" Rei had appeared again and was staring at him in
shock.
"My hand caught fire!" he said as he turned to face her, he continued to
turn and averted his eyes as he noticed that she was drying her hair with
a towel and had no other clothing on her naked body.
"Oh, would you like to have sex now?" she rummaged through the dresser
deliberately moving in front of him.
"No! I don't even know you! Besides, you're only fourteen!" he blushed
violently as he turned again away from her.
"Oh, very well." She began to dress herself and Jon relaxed a little.
"Look I don't mean to sound pushy, but I should go now," he walked
towards the door and grabbed the knob, an audible click behind him
stopped him cold.
"You must go see the commander first," Rei moved close behind him and he
slowly turned to see her snapping a pair of suspenders in place creating
the same clicking sound he had heard before. He breathed a sigh of relief
and opened the door.
"Sure why not, this can't possibly get any weirder."
He found himself standing in front of Misato Katsuragi as she pulled up
next to the pair in her car. "What the hell are you doing! You where
supposed to wait for me to pick you up!" sitting beside her was Shinji
Ikari, he was holding a folder with the words 'Classified' and 'For your
eyes only' stamped across the cover.
"Who me?" Jon pointed to himself and frowned.
"Who else?" answered the angry woman as she opened the door across
Shinji's lap; her breast brushed against his crotch and the boy stiffened
up for a moment.
"Jeez, show a little back bone will ya?" muttered Jon as he reluctantly
allowed himself to be pulled into the back seat with a few stolen
batteries. Rei sat on the other side and grabbed his hand pulling it onto
her lap with a faint smile on her lips.
"You know her?" asked Misato in confusion.
"Jon is my boyfriend," answered Rei quietly.
He offered no protest as the woman simply shrugged and put the car into
gear. Shinji looked back at the girl and frowned a little. "Have I seen
you somewhere before?"
"I saw you on my way here," she replied mechanically.
"Oh."
A few moments later and an N-2 mine explosion later Jon found himself
wandering the corridors of Nerve central with Misato, Shinji, and Rei.
The young girl remained attached to his arm the whole time with a faint
blush in her cheeks.
"I don't mean to pry, but aren't you supposed to be hurt or something?"
Jon realized something was out of place suddenly as he looked at the
girl.
"I was injured a short time ago, but I recovered rather quickly." No one
seemed to notice there was no way he could have known about that.
Dr. Akagi Ritsuko met them in an elevator and had a brief exchange with
Misato and seemed to know who he was, Jon was growing more and more
annoyed that everyone but him seemed to be aware of what was happening.
A few minutes later Rei reluctantly wandered away when they found where
she would have to go to find Unit 00's cage. She kissed Jon on the cheek
and he rubbed at his face with the back of his hand looking more confused
than ever. Shinji smiled and stepped up next to him, "So how long have
you two known each other?"
"About an hour," replied Jon with a small frown.
"Oh," Shinji either didn't take him seriously or he just accepted it
that quickly.
They stood in the darkened room and Jon stared at the floating head of
Unit 01 with only mild shock. "So, now what?"
"Jon Southers, you will pilot it." Ritsuko smiled at him as the
conversation around him came to a close."
"WHAT?!! Me? B�but what about him?" the angry boy pointed at Shinji in
shock.
"My son cannot pilot Evangelion, it would raise to many questions
internally. People would wonder how much control I was taking in this
project." All present in the room turned to see a figure standing in the
balcony over looking the room.
"Father," Shinji let out a small growl and glared at the man.
"No way! I don't know how to pilot this thing!" whined Jon pathetically.
"You will be instructed," offered Ritsuko flatly.
"Doesn't it bother anyone that I just showed up out of nowhere? Isn't
this some kind of military secret or something? You people don't even
know who I am!" Jon was in complete shock and desperately looking for an
escape to the situation.
The people in the room ignored him and began to initialize the systems
of the Eva, he was handed the Nuralizers and showed how to place them on
his head before he could protest any further.
A few moments later he found himself sitting in the cockpit of the Eva
glaring at the screens. "How the hell did I get into this mess? These
people aren't even acting right! It's like a bad self insertion or
something," That's when it hit him. "My God!!! It -is- a bad
self-insertion! Wh? How? Noooooooo!!"
The screen came on showing Jon in the cockpit of the Eva on the view
screen. He had a strange grin on his face and an extremely odd look in
his eyes. "O..ok, I'm ready now."
"That's good, now we are preparing to launch the Eva." Ritsuko turned to
Maya and nodded.
Jon smiled even wider as the cockpit filled with LCL, it faded as he
choked on the substance for a moment before becoming acclimated to it. He
sneered at the controls felt the unit begin to move.
"Evangelion Unit 01! Launch!" Misato nodded as the command was executed
and the Eva unit was blasted through the long corridor to the ground
above the Geo front.
He stood motionless as he waited for instruction. "Could you tell me how
to work this damn thing?"
Ritsuko frowned slightly in the image projected into the LCL in front of
him. "It should be easy with the sync ratio you have, just think about it
and the Eva should comply. Jon frowned as he thought about moving his
arm. The Eva complied easily, "Hey! I thought this was supposed to be
hard or something. Damn it! This doesn't make any sense!" The angel
appeared in front of him and Jon smiled slightly, the first thing that
popped into his mind was the Street Fighter 2 video game.
Eva rushed forward and slammed into the Angel in a complex assortment of
martial arts maneuvers that would make any video game fan proud, Jon
snorted as he finished up the creature with a Hadoken, he wasn't
surprised in the least when it worked. He walked casually back to the
elevator and rode back down into the Geo front.
"Wow! That was cool!" Shinji ran up to the boy and stood as if he was
watching a sports star.
"Yea yea, can I go now?" he already knew the answer but asked anyway, he
was less than excited when Rei rushed into the room and jumped into his
arms forcing another kiss on him and managing to get her tongue halfway
down his throat this time.
Misato and Gendo Ikari met the boy in the hallway, he had a disheveled
look about him as Rei had unbuttoned his shirt and almost raped him in
her passion. "I..I hate you." He said as he met them, he had an
incredibly wild look in his eyes and was obviously unstable at the
moment. They looked at one another and shrugged before walking behind him
until they reached the locker rooms.
"He did well," said the commander with a small smile.
"Yes, well." Misato frowned a little and looked away.
"I want you to look after him, get aquatinted with him and make sure he
stays stable; we need a pilot like him if we are to survive this."
A few hours later he stood in front of Misato's apartment with Shinji
staring at the door with a board expression on his face, he stepped into
the home and pulled the reluctant Shinji in behind him. "Don't be such a
puss boy."
"Welcome home!" cried the woman as she greeted them and put the
groceries down on the table.
"Yea yea, you got a beer?" Jon shoved her aside and made a beeline for
the refrigerator, he removed a can and downed half of it in a single
gulp.
"Well, you certainly are blunt aren't you?" The woman looked a little
uncertain as she got the typical anime big sweat pose.
"But, you aren't old enough to drink beer," Shinji looked worried for a
moment and Jon grabbed him by his neck and proceeded to force a can down
his throat. The boy rolled away sputtering and gagging after he released
him.
"Feel better?" asked Jon, the boy only nodded as he wiped his chin. He
felt a little warm, but other wise relaxed, he tried to stand up and
wavered before returning to the ground. "Maybe I should stay here for a
while," he muttered to himself.
Misato watched in absolute fascination as Jon drank merrily with the
Penguin immediately following dinner, the creature had frightened Shinji
after attempting to take a bath and run out nude. He was currently
sulking in his room after the meal in embarrassment.
Jon was taking it all rather well from her viewpoint
"You're the only one I can relate to Pen pen, all these other folks are
freaking me out." The boy offered the penguin another beer and smiled to
himself.
Misato watched in mild amusement for a few moments before it looked like
she had a thought. She promptly took off her shirt and walked over to him
as she slid her cut off shorts down her legs. "Hey, let's find out what
Rei sees in you." She fell on top of him and kissed him passionately for
a moment before he struggled away from underneath her body.
"G-get away from me!" he stammered as he backed down the hall. She stood
up and looked at him in confusion.
"I was only gonna, you know�"
"I know exactly what you where gonna do!! That's the problem damn it!
You've only known me for a few hours! What is with the girls in this
place?!" he scrambled into the room with Shinji and closed the door
behind him holding it shut as he panted for breath.
"Is�he gay?" Misato frowned as she sat down nude at the table and got
herself another beer.
Shinji looked up from his manga and frowned as Jon looked like a
frightened rabbit. "What's wrong?"
"Every time I'm alone with a woman she tries to rape me!" gasped the boy
as he pushed the door against the wall tighter to make sure she could not
force it open.
"That's bad?" Shinji looked confused.
"Yes it is! I don't know any of these people and they just throw
themselves to me in an instant? It isn't right!" the boy peered through a
crack he made in the doorway and sighed in relief when he realized she
was not following him.
"What ever, I didn't know you where gay." Shinji went back to his manga.
"I am not gay!" screamed the boy in anger.
"Then why aren't you still out there?" asked Shinji.
"Because this place is driving me insane! Nothing is working right,
people don't just strip down and have sex at the drop of a hat the
instant they meet! It's not natural! Doesn't it bother you that I work on
a highly classified military operation and nobody knows who the hell I am
or where I came from!? You people are insane! It's like a bad Fanfiction,
I'm starting to believe that's exactly what it is!" the boy started to
rant in the middle of the room breaking down mentally. Shinji looked up
at him and turned up his headphones before returning to his manga.
"So, that's how it is eh?"
The next day Jon found himself in school with Shinji, instantly he was
the center of attention and the most popular boy on campus; even though
he absolutely refused to speak to anyone. Toji was the only student who
was acting normally. The boy had introduced himself to the class as the
pilot of Unit 01 despite the orders to keep it classified. He was kind of
hoping to get fired, but knew there was little chance of that happening.
Rei sat directly next to him and spent the entire class playing with his
leg seductively, well as seductively as a fourteen-year-old can be to an
eighteen-year-old.
"Oh, come back in four years you little delinquent!" Jon had stood up in
the middle of the teacher's lecture and screamed at his self-proclaimed
girlfriend in anger. "Why am I here, I graduated High school last year!"
he stormed out of the room and walked into the hallway, almost
impulsively he found himself standing on the rooftop glaring at the
cityscape. "I hate this place damn it! Get me out of this sick perverted
fanboy fantasy!!!" he called to the heavens and no answer came to him.
Almost on cue an angry Toji stood behind him and turned him around
forcefully. "Hey new kid!" it was all he could say, Jon turned around and
decked him hard. The boy found himself sprawled across the rooftop with
Aida standing beside him in shock.
Jon paled when he stood and smiled at him. "I guess your right, I
shouldn't blame you for my sister. I was just so angry, I didn't think
clearly. Thanks for making me see it! Wanna be pals?"
"NO! Leave me alone you freaks!" the boy stormed off the rooftop and
walked out of the school.
"Whoa, that guy is deep," said Aida as he put his hand on his friend's
shoulder in a rather dramatic pose.
Jon frowned when Rei ran up to him on the street. "Come on lover! We
have to get to base, there is another angel!" she grabbed him by his arm
and pulled him along as she walked. It was a strange experience to say
the least because Rei had spoken in her usual monotone voice creating yet
another surreal effect.
"No! I refuse to fight!" Jon sat in the cockpit of Unit 01 with his arms
crossed. "I'll let the angel kill me first!"
The people stared at the screen in shock as the Eva mimicked the boy
exactly and stood with his arms crossed as the creature approached with
it's two neon pink tentacles slicing through buildings. The boy turned to
face the creature and braced himself as it attacked him; only to have the
two laser like tentacles bounced off his AT field and fly directly into
the angel's core killing it in an instant.
A collective cheer arose from the command center as they applauded his
brilliant strategy against the angel. He hung his head in shocked terror
when a realization came over him, "I�I CAN"T LOSE?!! Nooooooo! Damn
you!!" he slammed his fist into the console in frustration.
That night he lay on the hospital cot in Rei Ayanami's room like a dead
body as she caressed him between the sheets. He stared at the ceiling and
watched the shadows play across the room with a sterile gaze as he simply
lie there like he had the whole night. He looked down at the peaceful
sleeping figure of his lover and smiled, but it was a humorless grin that
slowly turned into laughter; soon he was howling on the bed barely
managing to stay on the cot as he tossed and turned in his mad fit. Rei
sat up and watched him for a moment before settling in beside him again.
"He seems so happy," She thought to herself as she drifted away to sleep
again.
The next morning Jon looked into the mirror and frowned, behind him the
blood soaked remains of the cot stood in the morning sun. He looked at
his hands and smiled to himself as he washed them in the sink calmly.
"Shit, it's all over me. I'd better get a shower." He stepped into the
water and rinsed himself off taking the time to use the soap and shampoo
the girl had placed neatly in one corner of the tub. He snorted as he
noticed they where all generic brands without perfume or additives. "I
wonder if the next Rei will be so picky?" he hummed to himself as he
walked out of the room and picked up a rather hefty looking black garbage
bag on his way out, almost as an after thought he pulled the bloody
sheets off the bed and stuffed them into the bag, a single ring fell out
unnoticed by him as he did so. Inscribed inside of it was his name and
hers.
"Rei has been missing for almost three weeks now, we have to assume the
worst." Gendo Ikari pushed his glasses up his nose as he lay in bed. A
naked woman slid up his body and purred as she kissed his chest.
"Let's not talk business now darling." She pleaded with him and he
naturally ignored her.
"Wake her up tomorrow, we'll say she went on a business trip." He turned
away from her and stood from the bed leaving her there alone.
"Of course," was her reply as she rolled on her side to cry alone.
Jon frowned as he waited on the helicopter Rei sat next to him laying her
head into his neck with her usual vacant stare somehow it seemed more
vacuous than usual today. Shinji and his two friends Kenuke and Toji sat
across from them just behind Misato.
Jon frowned when a yellow spot that turned into a sundress came into
view. "Just what I need, another woman." He snorted and watched as they
moved down to the landing pad of the aircraft carrier. The doors where
opened and he frowned deeply as they walked out and where met by a red
haired girl in her early teens. The wind blew her dress up into the air
and the three boys stared in disbelief. Jon merely frowned as she
approached them and slapped the other three one at a time, when she moved
in close to him he punched her in the face before she could react.
She sat up with an angry glare and opened her mouth to protest. "I don't
pay for what I didn't ask for."
She glared at him and said nothing as a man helped her up. Jon
recognized him easily enough, Kaji Ryoji. "That wasn't very nice," he
commented.
"I'm not a very nice person, I kill things for a living." He looked into
the girls eyes and smiled at the hatred that was forming there, a small
glimmer of hope filled his slowly emptying soul at the thought of someone
who actually disliked him.
A few hours later he stood on the deck with Rei at his side, he looked
at her as she smiled simply enjoying his presence for a moment. He had
stayed here with her since they had arrived, no planes had taken off or
landed since they had arrived and the flight deck was all but deserted.
He stood at her side overlooking the endless blue green ocean. She turned
into him and kissed him and he simply allowed it making no move to return
the gesture of affection. One of the ships exploded on the outskirts of
the fleet and Rei stepped back. Jon simply held her in place and smiled,
"Wait here, there is no need for us to go," she nodded and leaned into
him.
After a few moments Auska dashed up behind him. "Come on! We have to�"
He simply cut her off, "Go yourself, I don't need to come with you."
She froze at the ice in his voice and said nothing, finally she turned
away and ran towards the sleeping giant under the giant tarp.
The disturbance in the water grew closer to the ship and Jon smiled as
he put a hand on Rei's neck. "You have the power to save this ship and
this operation?"
The girl did not seem to understand and looked at him in confusion, "You
will know in a moment." He lifted her by her neck and she screamed in
terror. "N-no! What are you?!"
"Don't disappoint me lover, not like the last one did. She was supposed
to die when I failed to kill the fortress angel, but I still killed it
without trying to. I can't fail! Why can't I fail!" he dropped her into
the water as the great white figure appeared just below the ship. It
surfaced for a moment and sank below the waters again.
"Sir! The tracking device we placed in Ayanami has left the ship!" one
of the pit crew in the command center stood up and turned to face Gendo
and Ritsuko with a frown on his face.
"Are you certain?" asked the man.
"Yes sir, according to our data she is moving at a high speed through the
water under the fleet. Sir, this shouldn't be possible!" Gendo frowned as
the man reported.
"Angel detected! The fleet reports it is under attack sir!" one of the
communications personnel reported.
"Satellite readings confirm sir, the pattern is blue!" one of the
technicians turned with a slight panic in his voice.
Eva Unit 02 stood up breaking free of its braces and prepared to jump
into action. It turned and stared at the massive water disturbance as it
cut through the fleet. Suddenly the water became still, a massive
explosion from under the water erupted and the water became calm again.
The angel was gone.
No one saw Jon smiling to himself as he watched the water calmly. "Well,
that's that."
"Sir! Satellite reports another AT field! From inside the angel, it�it
destroyed the other field. The angel seemed to, kill itself sir." The man
looked at his screen in confusion.
"So, she sacrificed herself to save them?" Gendo frowned to himself and
looked over at Ritsuko; she nodded and left the room abruptly. "Fuyutski,
send out a report that Ayanami was rescued from the water after the
attack."
"Can we do that?" the man looked confused.
"Do it."
TBC�
This will only run a few parts; don't worry it'll probably be over
within a day or two so I can get back to my normal fics. It's the darkest
and sickest think I've ever written and I'm proud of it. The next Ch.
should be the final one, it's a good thing too, this is disturbing me.
Jon is solving everyone's problems whether he wants to or not. He is also
trying to lose or fail in some way, but keeps getting denied; why he
wants to fail will be touched on next time.
It's kind of a parody on one level, and a horror tale on another. Jon
has gone quite insane, what that means for the cast of Evangelion remains
to be seen. [Can you call what he does to Rei murder? An interesting
dilemma.] I still haven't gone into detail on Auska's relationship to him
or how Kaji sees him.
Things can't continue like they are, either Jon will have to get his
sanity back or someone is going to catch on. It's gonna be a twisted ride
next ch.