HI,
^_^
My comments##
Date:
Sat, 15 Jan 1983 10:08:56 +0800
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
From:
Laurence Roxas <rlsroxas@compass.com.ph> |
Block address
Subject:
[FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma] Action and Reaction
rewrite
Action and Reaction
a ranma 1/2 fan-fic by Laurence Roxas.
Disclaimer: The characters of the Ranma � universe
are the
creation and possession of the brilliant Rumiko
Takahashi.They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and her
licensees (Shogakukan Inc., Kitty-Fuji TV,Viz
Communications Inc.) No copyright infringement is
intended.
(I also didn't write this disclaimer i just
coppied it from Allyn
Yonge's e-mail:)
##^_^ (I didn't write it either. I took it from
a fanfiction a looooong time ago.)
Warning:I'm only a kid (12) So if you do send C&C or
flames, don't
dwell
too much on punctuations and stuff like that ...
please?
##OK, I'll say this right now. You are a GOOD writer
for 12.
Boy, it took me a LONG time before I could write like
you do now.
Ummm, some people on the FFML are real sharks when it
comes
to punctuation. I don't dwell on it because, frankly,
I can't do it my
self. OTOH punctuation and spelling, etc are VERY
important
for readability. If people take the time to do the
punctuation, use it.
(Either that or figure out how to do it yourself.
That's doing it the
hard way. ^_~_
OK, now on with the C&Cing.
----------
----------
--Part 1--
----------
----------
Akane was bored and annoyed. She woke up late and was
forced to skip
her
breakfast, then Kuno intercepted them at the
entrance...as usual.
Punting
Kuno to the stratosphere helped her releive some
stress but accidentaly
soiled her dress. And on top of all that...the teacher
was late!
##MUCH better. I'm not a fan of this kind of chatty
style. BUT
you've gotten the readers attention, it easy to read
and sets the mood.
Yup, definitley a bad day.
Akane sat up straighter and out of sheer boredom tried
to eavesdrop on
what
Ranma and Daisuke were talking about.
##Good again. A quantum leap from the first version.
"So Ranma, did you hear about THE girl?" Daisuke asked
Ranma, saying
the
word "the" as if it had some ritual significance.
"Girl? What girl?" Ranma looked at Daisuke pointedly.
"You mean you don't know?" Daisuke looked at Ranma
wierdly "Jeez,
Ranma,
what have you been doing this past couple of days?
Living under a
rock?"
Ranma glared at Daisuke.
##Nice, very nice. Short, sharp and to the point. A
very natural introduction
of your new character.
It would have been interesting to know what Ranma was
going to say or
if
Akane was going to get caught listening...but we'll
never know 'cause
at
that moment the teacher came in.
##Ummm, IMO you would have been better off
NOT using this chatty bit. I think your prose is GOOD
as it is.
My recommendation is that you stick with straight
prose
and describe the teacher coming in, perhaps Akane
jerking away
guiltily because she's been eavesdropping or something
similar.
OTHO if you're doing parody or a humorous story this
might be the way
to go.
"Class" the teacher began "As you all know we have a
new student.
Miss-"
the teacher frantically looked around "I could have
sworn she was right
behind me..."
##WOW!!! Now this is fun. Great job. ^_^
Seemingly materializing out of the shadows the girl
took a small step
forward into the light and bowed.There was a general
intake of breath
from the male portion of the class and even some of
the girls.
##Better and better.
Akane was very annoyed to note that Ranma was part of
the majority
described above. Turning her eyes to the girl, Akane
studied her
intently.
The girl was around Akane's height. Her eyes were a
piercing yellow
that
seemed to convey an "I know something you don't"
message. She had
extremely
long bright blue hair gradually turning white at the
tips that extended
to
her butt. She was very slim, her long arms and legs
had a relax look to
them but Akane was knew enough about martial arts that
she sensed an
underlying strenght in those limbs.
##Great job. (Lose that little bit earlier "It would
have been interesting to know . . ."
and this will be almost perfect.)
OH, and work on the spelling. (I notice the spelling
because
my Word Perfect underlines misspelled words in _red_)
"I'm Miko Ukagi and I was recently transfered from
Furinkan High."
stated
the girl
Akane raised her hand and said " You must be mistaken.
I mean...this is
Furinkan."
A bewildered exppresion settled on tthe girl's face
but was so swiftly
covered up that Akane doubted anyone but her noticed
it.
Miko smiled " Ofcourse, I was only kidding. What I
meant was that I'm
from St. Michi's school of martial arts.
Ranma raised an eyebrow and whistled "Looks and
martial arts? I wonder
why Akane hasn't burst of jealousy yet?"
"BAKA! I heard that!" Akane took a swing at Ranma
SWAT!
OWW!
##Funny.
"Mr. Saotome please stand in the hall."
##Funnier. (What about Akane? Shouldn't she be in the
hall as well?)
*********
The day was with out incident until dissmisal.Kuno was
pestering Miko
and
Ranma decided to help her out.
"Yo, Kuno! Stop scaring all the new students and ...do
whatever people
like
you do for R&R." said Ranma and moving to block Kuno's
attempted hug on
Miko.
##OK, this needs elaboration. Make the reader SEE what
Kuno is doing.
"Ranma you cur! Now I will free the lovely Akane
Tendou and my
pig-tailed
goddess from your sorcerous thrall!" Kuno glared at
Ranma and charged.
Before anyone knew what happened Kuno was sailing
through the air. Miko
had
intercepted Kuno and delivered a swift punch to his
face. It was so
fast
Ranma almost didn't see it. Unfortunately, Kuno in his
desparation to
counter this unforseen attack, lashed out and shoved
Miko backwards.
##Not bad. I like Kuno's line. I would like a little
more description
of the "fight". This is good. But it could be
elaborated upon. The part where Kuno
accidentally shoves Miko is a little unclear.
Ranma caught Miko just as she was about to fall. Ranma
was helping her
up when he realized that his hands were resting on two
very soft
things...round and soft.
"Ranma! What do you think your doing!?" Demanded Akane
Ranma whirled around and faced Akane and hastily took
his hands away
from
the offending objects.
"Um...Akane it isn't what it looks like..." Ranma said
with hands held
in front of him and rapidly backing away.
"BAKA!" Akane suddenly glowed blue and was hefting a
giant mallet.
##Again with the mallet. ^_^
{Oh well, it takes a while to wean new writers from
the mallet. You can
be helped. I suggest you join Mallets Anonymous. )
^_^
She took a swing at Ranma only to have it blocked.
Akane opened her
eyes to
##Why are Akane's eyes closed. ^_O???
see Miko holding the mallet steady with her two
fingers...right at the center, and with a sudden flick
of her hand seen
mallet careening off to the bushes.
Akane made a "gasp" sound in shock. At the back of her
head she
suddenly
had a sense of ... deja vu.
##Good. Introduces the "strange" stuff that's
upcomming.
"Is she disturbing you Ranma?" Miko asked innocently
as everyone stared
at
her with big sweat drops on their heads.
##Again with the "sweat drops"???
Frustrated and confused Akane grabbed the nearest
thing,in this case a
bench, and threw it in the general direction of
Mikoadn Ranma. They
bothn
ducked and it accidentally hit one of the students
watching them. Akane
heard the sickening sound of CRACK!, then everything
went black.
##Better. You still need to elaborate on WHY Akane
blacks out. This is, IMO,
too sudden. Try more of a build up to this. A longer
fight scene, perhaps with Akane
feeling pressure in her head, dizzy, black spots in
front of eyes THEN black out. Something
so her "faint" isn't so sudden.
*********
<SNIP> stuff that still needs to be expanded at the
very least. ^_^
As Ranma left he saw Nabiki and Kasumi talking, before
the voices faded
away he heard "... i hope its not happening again..."
##Again, GRRRREAT end line. ^_^
---------------
---------------
--End for Now--
---------------
---------------
Notes: This is a rewrite of Action and Reaction Part
1. Why? well when
i wrote the original draft pratically all C&C was
critical at best so I
knew that there was something seriuosly wrong with my
writing. Again as
before C&C is desperately needed!
##Now, now. It's called Comments and CRITICISM.
AND you got a LOT of response for a newbie. Which
means people are
READING you stuff. That is a GOOD thing.
Overall: B
Improvement A+++
BOY this is a tremendous improvement over the first
draft.
It would have been an A overall if you'd kept up the
pace. The first
half was great. Then it looked like you got tired and
slacked off. However
I have no doubt that you have talent. Just take your
time and give details.
IMO the problem with this draft is, in the second
half, you did not give enough
detail and build up. The reader wants to SEE what is
going on.
A really really good job on re-write. You just need to
do MORE. ^_^
I'm looking forward to the next part.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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