Hi again!
Ok, by and large I agree with Allyn Yonge's C&C, but
I'd like to add a few comments. First of all, I hope you don't
think my response to your first draft was a flame. I think I
came off a little heavy-handed though, and I apologize. When
you said you were a kid, I was thinking 14-15ish. I thought
you probably knew a lot more grammar and vocabulary, and were
just being lazy in not editting your writing after dashing it
off into the computer. Anyway I meant to help, and still do.
You write very well for 12 - I am amazed!
Now on to comments for this draft. I don't know if
it was what I said last time or not (but hey, I'd like to think
so *bounce* :) but your writing is much more full this time,
rich with detail and description. Thats great! Its much easier
to follow this way, and more fun to read. Don't worry too much
about the punctuation and such, at least don't let it stop your
writing. You probably can find someone who will volunteer to
clean up your writing for you (the spelling and punctuation,
etc.) without any trouble. And if you can't, write me about it.
It would have been interesting to know what Ranma was going to say or if
Akane was going to get caught listening...but we'll never know 'cause at
that moment the teacher came in.
[Here I agree about the narration. It doesn't mesh with the rest of the
writing you have done. When I see narration like this, it makes me think
of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show. As young as you are, I don't know if
you have ever seen that show. So I'm not saying narration is a bad thing
in a story, if it fits the style of the writing.. it just doesn't here.]
"BAKA! I heard that!" Akane took a swing at Ranma
SWAT!
OWW!
"Mr. Saotome please stand in the hall."
[Here's a tiny thing, and its punctuation related, but I wanted
to point this one out since you're pretty good about this otherwise.
What I wanted to say is that OWW! is something that someone (Ranma)
said, so it ought to be in " marks.]
The day was with out incident until dissmisal.Kuno was pestering Miko and
Ranma decided to help her out.
"Yo, Kuno! Stop scaring all the new students and ...do whatever people like
you do for R&R." said Ranma and moving to block Kuno's attempted hug on Miko.
"Ranma you cur! Now I will free the lovely Akane Tendou and my pig-tailed
goddess from your sorcerous thrall!" Kuno glared at Ranma and charged.
[As with the first version, I think you need to tell us where this
is happening.]
Akane made a "gasp" sound in shock. At the back of her head she suddenly
had a sense of ... deja vu.
"Is she disturbing you Ranma?" Miko asked innocently as everyone stared at
her with big sweat drops on their heads.
Frustrated and confused Akane grabbed the nearest thing,in this case a
bench, and threw it in the general direction of Mikoadn Ranma. They bothn
ducked and it accidentally hit one of the students watching them. Akane
heard the sickening sound of CRACK!, then everything went black.
Akane suddenly realized that the room was filled with people: Kasumi asking
if she was alright, Nodoka bringing her a drink, Genma checking on her
condition, Ukyou with okonomiyaki and strangely Miko Ukagi. She was about
to remark on this when Ranma took pity on her.
As Ranma left he saw Nabiki and Kasumi talking, before the voices faded
away he heard "... i hope its not happening again..."
[In the first draft I made the assumption that Akane was passing out
because she couldn't handle the fact that she'd hurt someone innocent.
because of that I thought the way she blacked out wasn't done well.
Now though, there are more clues, and I have the opinion that there is
something else, or something more at least, going on here. Now I don't
see anything wrong with her passing out like she did. It -does- still
need to be explained of course :) but I expect the explanation to come
out later.]
All in all its a huge improvement, and I look forward to reading more!
-Rain