I am going to forego my usual method of C&C because I think it
unwarranted for this particular piece. Given the nature of how it was
written and that the author declares it a draft, not intended to be
finished copy, there seems little point in going over a lot of detail.
<RANT> First, I'll get a couple of personal peeves out of the
way.
Disclaimers such as this:
[insert standard use-of-Ranmaverse disclaimers]
serve absolutely no good purpose whatsoever that I can see. You are just
as well off not offering a disclaimer of any kind. Granted, this one is
one whole hell of a lot better than some of the ones I've seen, but if
you are going to go to the trouble of being polite (they do not offer
the author of these kinds of works any legal protection that I can see),
then go ahead and be polite! Don't take half-steps with it. OTOH, I have
seen some "disclaimers" that were nothing short of deliberate rudeness.
Either way, such behavior is unwarranted. It is not that much trouble to
write up a "disclaimer" and save it so that it can be handily copied
onto new MS as needed. If it is too much trouble, then don't do it at
all, or at least be polite about it when you do write one on the fly.
Given that we know for a fact that we have at least one member of
the FFML that is twelve years old, I think we might all do well to be a
little more conservative about using the lemon/lime tags. This one, in
my opinion, probably should have gotten at least a lime tag. I am well
aware that others may have differing opinions, but I do ask that you be
a little more careful about tagging things with this strong a slant
towards adult behavior. </RANT>
I think that in this draft the author has a pretty good basis
upon which to build a first rate, sex farce. It falls down in four
areas.
First, it appears to beat up on the Akane character just to beat up on
Akane character. A little more balance in this regard will, believe it
or not, appeal to the tastes of a broader audience.
Second, Akane taking steriods. This is bad form. It put a bad taste in
my mouth that I never got rid of throughout the remainder of the piece.
There are a whole host of ailments out there useful for the purposes of
rendering the Akane character infertile. It would help your timing some
and add meat to the story if the reader knows a bit earlier about
Akane's infertility and that she is concealing said problem. This works
in favor of improving verisimilitude. It is not essential for a farce of
this type, but it would help.
Third, Ranma dying from, ahem, over exertion. This is a very old saw.
You could get much more mileage out of it, albeit with more writing
required, by having Ranma hump himelf into a coma (dehydration and
overexertion?), then having Akane & Ukyo trying to explain the to Tofu
(or the other doctors), about "Anything Goes Martial Arts Marital
Relationships: Toys Night."
Fourth, and probably the worst weakness, is having the kids reject Akane
simply because Konatsu ran off at the mouth. This one falls flatter than
an all batter okinomiyaki and no ketchup for miles. Having a conflict
with a prudish neighbor, or having to deal with Happosai constantly
trying to teach the kids to peep, would offer you far more useful
grounds for comedic interaction between the characters. I would add,
that you could make better use of a number of the secondary cast, such
as Nabiki, Kuno, Kodachi and Shampoo or even, kami forbid, Kasumi.
"Aiya! Spatula girl no can keep man going long as Shampoo!"
"I'll take that bet, Shampoo!" Nabiki said, giving the Amazon a
smart-alec smirk. "I'll even give you a tape so you can understand
Ukyo's technique...for a modest fee of course!"
BTW: Where was Nabs and the betting pool? Geez!
Essentially then, drugs are not funny unless you handle the subject the
way Cheech Marin and Ray Chong did. People who do drugs are dumbasses,
that is why Cheech & Chong got so much mileage out of their stupid drug
user act. It could be done in this piece, but I can't see how it would
really fit into a Ranma1/2 yarn. BTW: This kind of thing really should
be handled carefully and I think warrants a tag of some sort, but again,
I am well aware that opinions may vary widely.
Death is not funny when delivered abruptly, unless it happens to a
character who is in crying need of a good killing. Poor Ranma's demise
in this piece would have been a little more humorous had we seen him
begging for mercy, then giving in to his own appetites. We do not see
that in this draft. Personally, I think it would be a lot funnier to
have him begging Ryoga for help, then having Ryoga flee in utter panic
after the first round of between-the-sheets kata.
Rejection of a generally sympathetic character by children in her family
won't work as humor for a broad section of your audience. If you are
going to do this, you must find a way to make the character deserve said
rejection, then find a way to make the rejection comical. I don't think
that is easily done with these characters--you be the judge. It would be
a lot easier to have the kids say embarrassing things to the wrong
people.
Beating up on a single character only works when that character is
designed to be the butt over every joke. This happens all the time on
television. It has been happening since there was television and
frankly, it bores me. In this case, matters are worse because the Akane
character is generally used as the penultimate goal and love interest of
other characters. If you do not like the Akane charcter, and many do
not, I understand, but beating up on her just to beat up on her does not
make the grade for comedy.
Finally, you *do* have a first rate comedy in the making here, Adrian,
but I don't think you are going to polish it out in three hours and 3800
words. I think you are looking at something between ten and twenty-five
thousand words along with some skull sweat. Still, the piece does have a
lot of potential.
Regards,
Don Granberry.