Comments##
From:
"Dagmar - chan" <dagmarchan@hotmail.com> |
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To:
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Subject:
[FFML] [shortfic][Ranma] Bittersweet victory
Date:
Fri, 21 Jan 2000 20:47:52 GMT
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Recognizing that I many of the details my be skewed,
I've tried to make
this
more formally Japanese.
##Ummm, not sure what you mean by this.
(And that definately includes the couple of
words
I have used. ) Please help me to make it more
realistic. Other C&C
would be
fabulous as well.
---------------
These characters belong to Rumiko Takehashi, Viz
Video, Shogakukan,
Kitty,
and Pony Canyon. Please don't sue me; I could in no
way make money off
this. E-mail would be nice however.
Bittersweet Victory
By Dagmar-chan
---------------
Okaasan= mother
---------------
The woman bowed her head.
"Okaasan." She said it softly, unsure of what to do.
Even in a hospital bed, Nadoka looked the part of the
formal Japanese
matron. Calm and serene. What she had always strove to
be. After her
marriage anyway.
##Nice opening. A _little_ awkward.
1)What's with all the "formal"??? Perhaps
"traditional"
2)striven. (present perfect)
"Why don't you sit, dear?" It was a friendly
reminder, like always.
##??? " . . .friendly reminder, like always."
Ummm, I don't understand this at all. (and the "like
always"
is more than awkward. Should be "as always" if you're
going
to use it. Not sure it's needed in this context)
She sat, mindful of her kimono, and waited. Nadoka
would have
something to
say. Something meaningful. Something kind and gentle,
yet urgent.
##???OK. I think you should have either stopped with
"kind and gentle"
OR given a little reason to fit the "yet urgent." into
the dialogue.
This is very jarring, IMO. And doesn't fit the mood or
the scene
as written.
Actually I think you could have stopped with " . .
.and waited."
After a long pause, the other woman spoke. "How is he
doing?"
She understood the reference. "Ranma is as well as
can be expected.
Since
you've been...."
##IMO better to have left out "She understood the
reference."
IMO this interrupts the dialogue.
"Dying, dear."
She cleared her throat uncomfortably. Her
mother-in-law had always
seemed
immortal, destined to be there forever, offering
advice on all the
little
things that she never quite learned correctly.
Sometimes she thought
back
to when her mother died. But only sometimes.
##Ummm, this seems incomplete somehow.
You might think about what you were trying to do here.
I _think_ you're trying
to tie in Nodoka's death with "her" mother's death and
her emotions about both.
It doesn't quite work. Good, but could be better.
<SNIP> some pretty good stuff.
"You've done well. I am proud of you, daughter,"
Nadoka paused,
"Shampoo."
Shampoo bowed her head in thanks. Maybe one day she
would be worthy of
the praise.
"You should go home now. My son needs you more than I
do."
"Hai." After all the years, the word felt natural.
Sometimes she
couldn't even remember what China had been like.
Sometimes she felt Japanese.
---------------
Author's note: Sorry about the angst. I just had to
write it however;
I've
always wondered how much Shampoo would sacrifice for
her honor.
Oh, and one final question... Is the ending too heavy
handed?
-Dagmar-chan
##Not too heavy handed IMO.
HOWEVER ^_^
Overall this was a pretty nice little piece. A little
rough in spots. And,
a little "heavy handed" but not so much as to ruin the
story.
The biggest problem is Shampoo's characterization. IMO
there is no reason
concerning "honor" for Shampoo to end up as Ranma's
wife. And certainly
not for her to stay in Japan and give up the "art".
The whole point
of Shampoo marrying Ranma is _Amazon_ tradition. IMO
it would
be more natural for Shampoo/Ranma to end up back in
China. (Ranma should
feel at home there. He seems to have spent most of his
youth in China.)
OTOH Nodoka's role seems well done. I'm just not sure
that any of the
female cast (other than Kasumi) fit the role.
Why on earth would Shampoo give up her life like this?
Why would she defer to Nodoka? Shampoo is NOT Japanese
and there is no real reason for her to try to fit in.
Certainly in your
story there doesn't seem to be any real bond with
Ranma. And while there
is a Chinese tradition for filial piety it is NOT
equivalent on a one-to-one
basis with Japanese traditions. I understand why you
used Shampoo. And
the ending was rather neat. IMO you need to use a
different rational than
"honor" for this one. IMO it's too forced. If you can
fix that, make Shampoo's
sacrifice believable I think you'll have a much better
story.
IMO if you're going to do this you need to do a MUCH
longer
piece showing how all of this came about. (This is a
problem when
dealing with established characters) And, of course,
no matter what
you do there are always going to be complaints.
Summary:
1)Nice dialogue. A little forced in places. Simplify.
(You never did explain "urgent" for instance.)
2)Give a better or at least more detailed reason for
this
story. Simply saying "honor" doesn't work. Different
cultures,
different concepts of "honor". Especially considering
Shampoo is
an Amazon, from a female dominated society. Her entire
life would be
based around entirely different values. You haven't
shown WHY
she would give all that up.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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