"Miller, Bert" wrote:
A few of the comments below reflect matters unchanged from the
first version; I apologize for not commenting on them in my
first response.
1) Didacticism. For instance, the sex ed lecture seems overly
didactic, and it's not clear how it is either necessary to the
plot or fits in thematically. If it's not necessary, maybe it
shouldn't be here. Same comment applies to a few other discussions.
[MY ideal in a story is one which readers will want to read over
and over again. Long, didactic passages tend to be read once,
period, then block or discourage re-readings of a story. There
_are_ exceptions to this, e.g. Heinlein, but such exceptions
are _very_ rare.]
The so-called "sex-ed" lecture is central to the problem of Ranma
and Akane's relationship. Certainly I can work to trim it, but
don't look for it to disappear.
(blink) Which you must solve in this story? At this length? To
be "central" implies more resistance on Akane's part to the concept
than I attribute to her at the end of the series. Quite a few good
fanfics manage to get R & A started fairly painlessly, shortly
after Vol 38.
Which other discussions? If I knew
I had something in the story that risked boring the reader, it would
already be gone. I can't fix what bothers you unless you tell me what
it is.
Well, that's the one I singled out because of its length and apparent
intrusiveness. (Goes back and looks for more...) Well, I can't
find any others of that length. Sorry about that.
2) It's not clear to me, from this part, if YOU have decided
whether Ranma is right about the threat Shampoo poses, or if you
know, and are just leaving your readers in suspense. Nabiki's
apparently agreeing with Ranma's logic almost immediately argues
that Ranma is right, but this actually detracts from the "combat
fatigue" diagnosis. If Ranma is _not_ right, but just being
paranoid, then IMO you ought to notify the reader, by any of
these means: 1) Nabiki being skeptical; 2) skip to Nekohanten,
where Shampoo is thinking of something completely innocent;
3) have Ranma rave a bit about kidnapper princes lurking
in every alleyway. If, OTOH, Ranma _is_ right, then how are
the "combat fatigue" diagnosis and forebodings justified?
You're not paranoid if there really ARE people out to get
you. And why is Ranma a danger to everyone around him, if
the people he feels like killing really deserve it?
Certainly the reader is in some suspense at this point; but
I, as a reader, don't have the confidence I should have that
you, as the author, know exactly what the situation is.
Yes, I am deliberately leaving the reader in suspense. The
combination of Ranma's skills, and combat fatigue are what make
him dangerous. Again, quoting from the USMC Officer's Manual,
"An overstressed human being with a loaded firearm is inherently
dangerous." Ranma doesn't need a firearm to be dangerous. Whether
Ranma's suspicions are well founded or not are irrevelant insofar
as his mental condition and its potential outcomes are concerned.
True, except that you've given us no other reason for Tofu's
diagnosis _except_ Ranma's sudden assertion that Shampoo is
out to kill Akane. To the reader, it's not a given that Ranma
_has_ combat fatigue, if Shampoo actually does intend harm.
The passage in question:
Ranma's alarm over Akane's welfare had confirmed
something Tofu had already come to fear about his observations
of Ranma's mental condition. The boy was showing every sign of
suffering from a classic case of combat fatigue. <clip> While
it was true that victims of combat fatigue sometimes suffered
from unreasonable fears, they always had good reason for their
paranoia. <clip> If Ranma's fears were well founded,
it made matters worse for his young patient not better. It
merely confirmed the validity of Tofu's diagnosis and worsened
the prognosis.
I read this as saying that Tofu has nothing other than suspicion
if Ranma is justified in his paranoia; that Ranma's sudden fear
of Shampoo's intentions are what made Tofu's diagnosis.
If you wish us to read this as saying that Tofu has substantial
other reason for his diagnosis, I'd suggest that you give us
some detail: have Tofu make a few more comments about "high
heartbeat rate", "flushing", "rapid eye movement", or whatever
the actual symptoms are.
Tofu does not know for certain that Ranma has a sound basis in
fact for his suspicions, but he isn't taking chances. Shampoo's
past behavior has been sufficiently aggressive to lend credence
to his worries on the Tendo side of the fence.
Granted.
<clip litany of Shampoo actions>
In this story, Ranma is not worried about what Shampoo may do
to him, but what she might do to Akane.
Granted.
Ranma is not crazy or delusional so the princes behind every
bush option is out.
Okay, maybe the problem here is me; I somehow had the impression
that "delusional", or at least "paranoid", was somewhat implied
by "combat fatigue". Maybe Tofu'd better explain the syndrome
a bit more? If it's not the tendency, driven by paranoia,
to fire your automatic rifle at the first person who crosses you
in the least way, then what is it? And wouldn't paranoia
include the threats you can't see as well as the ones you can?
In the Ranmaverse, of course, Akane being kidnapped isn't
completely preposterous (and so can't be delusional). A recent
list on R.A.A.F compiled five different kidnappings of Akane
in the canon (i.e., not counting movies).
I already have Tofu being skeptical, but what possible basis in
reason is there for Nabiki or Akane to be highly skeptical?
Well, Akane is extremely generous in her estimations of most
people, especially if they're female. And Nabiki is arguably
a professional skeptic.
Wouldn't you make sure to err on the side of caution under such
circumstances?
Yes, I'd expect Nabs to take prudent _actions_; what her
_thoughts_, or off-line comments to Tofu, would be, might
differ.
The main reason all of this is followed by Cologne worrying
about Ranma's welfare is an attempt on my part to ease the
reader's concerns about what's up with the China gang.
As Grayson says (and I said in my response to the first draft),
your Cologne scene is far and away the best hook this story
has, to get your readers to come back for part 2. This
scene should have been the very first one you laid out.
Apparently that is not enough. I am repeatedly accused of
'Shampoo bashing."
You've explained why Ranma fixates on Shampoo; that he's
concerned with threats to Akane. I think his logic that
Ukyou meant harm to Ranma rather than to Akane at the
wedding is flawed, but accept it for now. And I grant
that Kodachi hasn't made the verbal threats on Akane's
life that Shampoo has.
It still seems to me that Ranma, given that he's now
paranoid about threats to Akane, would also be concerned
with unseen and undiscovered threats: what about Mousse,
who kidnapped Akane and threatened to turn her into a
duck? Both Phoenix Mountain and Pantyhosetaro kidnapped
Akane, not because they meant harm to Akane, but as a way
to get leverage on Ranma. Ryouga almost killed Akane,
by accident, in his first battle with Ranma. The point
here is that unknown enemies of Ranma are arguably
as much a danger to Akane as Shampoo, but Ranma fixates
on Shampoo. Why isn't the paranoia more general?
Finally, one more thought I had on the second draft:
the scene at the Tendo-ke with Tofu pressing Genma's
'hearing-enhancement' shiatsu point could have been
made _really_ funny if nobody else knew that Tofu did
anything; if, for instance, you had Tofu acting quite
solicitous over Genma, and pressing Genma's point the
way he did Ranma's in Vol 1. If even Genma didn't
know what had happened, his weird reactions to noises,
and everyone else's reactions to him, could be a
classic.
Now, maybe you don't want that scene to be funny, or
maybe it's important to you that Tofu assert his
authority here, but I thought I'd better let you know
about the potential.