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-- File: amorc15.txt
DISCLAIMER: And what *about* the smiley-face boxers, Mr. President??
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Ranma 1/2: A Matter of Romantic Chemistry, Part 15
By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
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As Nabiki went off to school, she heard the sound of Akane
shouting "Wait for me, baka!" faintly in the distance.
Strange how things had changed so radically. Ranma and
Akane were so snug together it made her want to retch;
Akane's first thought when Ranma raced off to intercept
Pantyhose - er, Jiro - was to follow and help. Nabiki almost
missed the fights they had, the malletings, the fun ways she
could needle them with Ranma's insecurity and Akane's
jealousy.
Nabiki sighed. Akane and Ranma found each other (finally).
Ranko, her newest (and best, possibly *only*) friend had
Doctor Tofu (a prime catch if ever there was one). Even
Kasumi seemed to have something with Jiro (poor girl).
Everyone thought of Nabiki as the Ice Queen, the Hard Bitch,
the inhuman money-making machine who'd sabotage her own
sister's wedding to make a quick yen. If anyone had ever
accused her of romantic feelings, she and everyone around her
would have laughed their asses off.
But seeing all these (ick) feelings around her made her feel
like she was ... missing something.
She dealt with it the only way she knew how - by ignoring it.
* * * * * * * * * *
A black piglet with his own body at last wandered the park,
sniffing through bags and bushes for a bite or two. It had
spent the night in the kindly healer's apartment. Granted,
the strange redhead and the healer were laughing too loudly
in his opinion, but still, it was the most restful night
the animal had had in ages.
He heard a human female crying on the other side of the bush
he was rooting through, amd so decided to investigate.
Something he *did* learn while held captive in that idiot's
head was to always comfort the sad. Or something to that
effect; the host's mind was as dark at times.
He saw a young girl holding a rather large sword in her lap,
wailing from the depths of her soul. She looked to not have
slept nor eaten in many hours. She was murmuring about his
former host, and then he recognized her as the other girl
who loved the piglet form. The scary one.
"Bwee," he called, bouncing up to her and nudging her hand
with his snout.
"Ryoga-sama?" she sniffed, dropping the sword to grab him.
"Did you finally leave that top-heavy gaijin harlot?"
"Bwee!" <Not me, lady! *Him*!>
"Good! Glad you have some sense now!" She scooped up the
piglet, squeezing him so hard that his eyes bugged out.
"Let's go back to grandfather's and we can live happily ever
after as we were meant to be!"
"Bwee-bwee!" <Let go of me! I can't breathe!>
Akari stood up with the black piglet in her arms, running
out of the park.
She was so anxious to leave she didn't notice the tree root
until her foot hit it. Nor did she notice the puddle until
she was face-down in it.
She looked at the nude boy under her in shock. "Ryoga-
sama??"
"Bwee??" Buta-Ryoga asked.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma and Jiro, both recovered from their daze, stared hard
at their father Ichiro Hibiki, seated across from them at
the dining room table.
Nodoka, fully dressed now, was serving breakfast to the
anxious males. She remembered the same tension in the house
when she told her father she was pregnant, claiming it was
Genma's, and her cowardly fiance Genma burying his face in
the newspaper while her father stormed and wailed. That
situation had resulted in a gaijin-style 'shotgun wedding'
immediately thereafter.
This situation was just as scary.
A knock came from the front door, and she excused herself
to answer it.
"Auntie Nodoka!" Akane cried out. "Nabiki told me about what
happened. Is Ranma here? Is he still alive?"
"I've yet to hear the full details myself, but the men are
being quite tensive." She smiled bitterly to herself. "A
major part of being a proper Japanese lady is allowing the
menfolk to be as they are and not interfere ... But it
doesn't seem to matter anymore. Want to join us for
breakfast?"
Akane nodded, dumbstruck (*Nodoka* not caring what a proper
Japanese lady should do??), and followed her future mother-
in-law into the dining room. Ranma looked up and nodded as
she settled next to him, holding his hand under the table.
A moment of silence passed between the odd family. Nodoka
sighed and rapped her rice spoon on the table. Their heads
turned sharply to her.
"Well! Can we straighten this out or are you men going to
act like little boys about it?"
Ranma and Jiro both sulked.
"Jiro, you have had ... 'relations' ... with Nabiki, who
may or may not be your sister. We do not know yet. It is
nothing to be ashamed of; you were both unaware. No
children were produced, nor were there any complications."
"But - " he opened his mouth.
"Be practical and less melodramatic," she interrupted him.
"If you intend to pursue a relationship with Kasumi, then
you must act more mature. She is a true lady, in all senses
of the word, and she will not accept childish behavior."
Ranma and Akane's mouths gaped open, disconnecting from
their jaws and hitting the floor. They never heard her
speak like this. Sure, Mrs. Saotome had certain insights,
but nothing had ever shown the inner fire she now displayed.
Ranma realized he never knew his mother at all, and she
wasn't as dotty or blood-thirsty as Genma made her out to be.
Jiro narrowed his eyes at her. "What right have you to say
that to me?!"
"Every right," his father replied quietly. "Because it's truth."
"All fine and well," Ranma interrrupted. "But why the hell
did I find my mother ... " he blushed, unable to finish the
words. "On the ground? I mean, geez, have a little decency."
"Gomen nasai, my son." Nodoka blushed gently, their
resemblence when embarrassed uncanny.
"Apologies as well," Ichiro added. "Perhaps a degree of ...
discretion ... was in order."
Jiro banged his head into the table. "Oh, sure, it's
perfectly okay to tell fem-boy you're sorry, but not me."
"'Fem-boy?'" Nodoka repeated.
Ranma clenched his teeth. "His stupid nickname for me." He
shot a sideways glance at his elder half-brother.
"Pantyhose."
"Take that back, transgender freak!"
"You first, mutant!"
Both leapt above the table to attack, but Akane and Ichiro's
strong hands pulled both back down to their sitting pillows.
"What'd ya' do *that* for?!" both exclaimed.
Akane sighed. "Will you two *grow up*? Auntie Nodoka is
right - you both act like little boys."
"What of you, 'pop'?" Jiro sneered, turning to Ichiro. "What
have you got to say about this whole mess you brought on
us?"
The senior Hibiki held his gaze and replied, "I am only
human, son. If you are concerned about Kasumi, you needn't
be. I was only around Mrs. Tendo when Nabiki was conceived,
when her husband was on training with Mr. Saotome and that
demented master of theirs."
"Ugh," Nodoka commented. "The little perverted freak tried
to steal my wedding lingerie right off me." She made a face.
"I appreciate a masculine male, but there are some levels
of manliness that *I* cannot stand. He was the epitome of
all of them."
"You knew Happosai, mom?" Ranma asked.
"Sadly, yes. The day Genma told me that the degenerate was
sealed in a mountain was the closest I ever came to being
proud of him." She shook her head. "When he showed up in my
laundry hamper a few months back, I started putting rat
traps in my panty drawer."
The youngsters giggled. Ranma flushed.
"Well, that's not a problem anymore," Akane chuckled.
"Indeed? Has something horrible happened to him?"
The odd sort-of-family group settled in to tell the Tale of
Happosai's Strange Fate.
* * * * * * * * * *
Chibi-Happi sneezed, instantly provoking Shampoo to wipe
his nose and check his general health.
"That is going to be the most pampered baby in the world,"
Ryoga said good-naturedly, putting down a pot of fresh tea
for Shampoo.
"{No, he won't,}" Shampoo stated. "{There's no place in
Nychezyu society for the weak and coddled. He'll be strong
and noble and proud.}"
"{Sorry,}" he said apologetically.
"{Don't be. But perhaps I should apologize to you - making
you open your home -}"
"{You didn't make me do *anything*!}" Ryoga said. "{You need
a place to stay until the challenge, and I can't let you and
the baby stay on the street.}"
"{You mean you didn't lure me to your home just to take
advantage of me in my hour of need, Ryoga?}" she teased.
"{HEY!}" Ryoga protested, blushing. "{It ain't like that!}"
"{Oh...}" Shampoo pouted. "{I'm disappointed.}"
Ryoga stammered.
Shampoo giggled, placing a finger on his lips. "{You are so
*easy* to tease, sweet Ryoga.}"
Neither one could afterward figure out who had kissed whom
first. All they knew was that suddenly, their lips were
touching.
Ryoga just let himself get swept away, not allowing any
thought to intrude.
Shampoo was startled. She'd been kissed by many men, many
of whom were well-versed in the arts and sciences of
pleasure. Ryoga's technique was clumsy, somewhat sloppy ...
but better than anyone else's. Somehow, a graceless,
unskilled kiss made her react, body and soul, in a way no
other could.
It was some time later that the two seperated, flushed and
breathing heavily.
"Um - baby needs changing ..." Ryoga said softly.
Shampoo sniffed the air. "{Oh,}" she replied, smiling.
* * * * * * * * * *
Doctor Tofu slid almost dreamily through his day, attending
to patients and check-ups and files as needed, but still
relishing the memories of Ranko's scent, touch, and taste.
No other woman made him feel as she did, not any of the
women he had dated in high school and college, nor the
affairs he had while he was on 'Walkabout' compared to last
night. (And especially that scary girl in Eastern Europe.)
All these years, not one woman had made him *feel*. Had
awakened Life in him, who allowed him to laugh and cry and
just hold him close and kiss his tears. He used to be a
stoic and noble man. He used to be dead. Now, with the love
of a woman, he was alive, and he felt his true calling in
life: to be a husband of a beautiful and wonderful woman
and be the father of her children.
"A bit soon, don't you think, Ono-sweetie?" a familiar
voice materialized around him.
"Not at all, actually," he turned and smiled wanely at the
succubus provocatively perched on his desk.
She giggled, leaning forward to touch her nose to his. "Oh,
I think it's absolutely wonderful! True Love, found between
a shy doctor and a mirror twin; a romance written in the
Heavens!"
"Pardon?" he asked.
Eryala leaned back, her face sober. "You mean you do not
know the birth of your lover?"
"Theories ... "
"But not 'truth', dear Ono," she spun around on his desk and
danced over the floor to the draped object in his office.
She whipped the sheet off, revealing the Saotome Mirror, as
the group were calling it. Her reflection was a faint shadow,
but was differently shaped. She gazed at it and it drifted
away. "My 'innocence' is an odd creature at times."
"So, what have you to tell me?" he traced his fingers over
the lotus blossom on his desk that Ranko had placed behind
his ear the night before.
"The great O-Kuni-Nushi is a God of the Shinto faith,
correct?"
He nodded. "Master of the Land, and Patron of Heroes,
Sorcerers, and Healers."
She chuckled. "And you fit all three categories, so you are
one of His favorites, Ono-sweetie."
Tofu blushed. "I decline to admit I'm that important."
"You did anyway," she traced her black nails gently over the
glass. "Not to mention the Saotome/Hibiki boychick is under
the Hero heading, as well. That includes his sister."
"Is this leading anywhere, old friend?" he asked.
"Baby, don't rush me. Then, of course, Benzaiten - such a
busybody - wanted so much for the Saotome boy and Tendo girl
to love each other - to promote healing of rifts and
mistakes wrought upon everyone around them." She shook her
head. "Silly goddess. It's a lot more fun to just light the
fuse and watch them run around. Petty things these
children's hormones be."
Tofu chuckled. "Kept me comfortable in my business."
The succubus chuckled with him. "And then Benzaiten and
O-Kuni-Nushi *had* to bring Their work together to tie
things up real nice."
"So, you are saying ... ?"
"I'm saying that your 'magical girlfriend' was created by
truly divine means. Birthed from the wills of Gods. Your
future in-laws are a few of the most powerful martial
artists on Earth and *the* most powerful of their
generation. You are among that number as well. 'Mate the
strong with the strong' the proverb goes, and for this
reason, to protect the world from greater evils and all that
ruckus, you are the Heroes of this Earth."
Tofu blinked and she shrugged. "Too dramatic and fanfic-ky
for my taste, but that's the way the dice have been rolled.
The situations have been set up, and you all have reacted
with your free wills in them."
"Oh crap," he muttered. He knew all too well what that
meant. When the gods gave gifts, they demanded payment. For
such a meddling, the Purpose that the gods had in mind must
be ... horrific.
"All this ... just to be a pawn?" he asked.
Eryala slid up to him, wrapping her red arms around his
torso and kissing his throat with black lips. "Not quite.
Everything has a Purpose, studmuffin. And your Purpose just
happens to coincide with your heart's desire: to love her
and be her husband and father to her children."
He pushed her gently away, smiling gently at the succubus.
"I just don't like being used."
"Gods are like kittens and butterflies - they flit where
they will, needing no excuse."
* * * * * * * * * *
As Nabiki approached the school, she noticed the utter
absence of Kuno. Usually, he awaited Akane and Ranma so
he could challenge them and get pounded on. Even during
their absence, he maintained his vigil.
Now there was just a quiet schoolyard with a few milling
students - much like she heard other (non-Nerima) schools
had. Spooky.
"HOTCHA!!" came the cry from above.
<Happosai?> Nabiki thought in panic. <It can't be!>
<GLOMP!!>
"YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" Nabiki screamed at the sensation of
hands on her breasts. By reflex, she brought her fist up
and slammed her attacker with all her strength.
"That hurt, Nabiki Tendo," said a cultured voice.
Nabiki got a clear look at her assailant - Tatewaki Kuno.
But a Kuno unlike any she had ever known.
"Kuno??" she asked in wonder.
"Aye, Nabiki Tendo. No doubt my imposing masculinity hath
so overwhelmed thine senses that thine vision is blurred."
"No, it's the clothes."
He wore a traditional cloth mask, a t-shirt with the legend
'Official Bra Inspector', and a pair of smiley-face
decorated boxer shorts. And that's all.
"And GET YOUR HANDS *OFF*!!" she protested.
Kuno reluctantly released her breasts. "I was but practicing,
awaiting the Red-haired Goddess Ranko Saotome, so that I may
impress her with my technique."
"Excuse me?" Nabiki asked.
Kuno took out the scroll from ... somewhere (probably
someplace disgusting). "At last, I have learned the Secret!
I shall prove my worthiness to Ranko Saotome, and she shall
be MINE! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"
Nabiki snatched away the scroll and read the title card:
'Happosai's School of Anything-Goes Manly Arts - How To Be
A Truly Manly Man'.
"Oh bloody hell," she muttered while Kuno continued laughing.
<BOP!!> went the eraser as it bounced off Kuno's head.
"BE QUIET!" Hinako-sensei yelled from the third-story window.
"I've got lesson plans to make!"
"My apologies, Sensei," Kuno shouted "I but await the fair
Ranko Saotome -"
"She's on academic probation, you dolt!" Hinako cried. "She's
probably at home -"
"SWEETO!!" he yelled. With a single bound, he hopped over
Nabiki's head and dashed down the street.
<Oh hells!> Nabiki thought. <I can't beat him there -
I'll need a phone!>
* * * * * * * * * *
"Pardon me?" asked the sweet-faced girl in the floral-print
skirt. "Could you direct me to Doctor Tofu's Clinic?"
The police officer smiled at the young lady and pointed
down the street. "Just five blocks, miss."
"Thank you," Ina said politely. With a tiny bow, she
departed, the scent of daisies in the air.
The policeman smiled, a little ray of sunshine brightening
his day as a result of meeting someone so sweet and wholesome.
"Soon, Ono-sama," she cooed to herself, "we'll be together
again, my love!"