Here we go...
<snip>
there. As others have, the means do not justify the
ends. This I have taken to heart in my cracking and
I've heard the saying ends don't justify the means, but I've not
heard this before. Is it a typo, or am I missing the meaning?
such. Nothing is permanently damaged. That has been my
motto for a while. If I break in, I don't leave a nasty
virus. Maybe a fun one, but no nasty ones.
But what's your definition of nasty? :)
nervous. Trying not to be too obvious. I made a quick
turn down a side street half a block before the pay
phone.
Hmm... this should be one sentence, actually. Like so:
Trying not to be too obvious, I made a quick turn down a side
street ...
<snip>
"Voice print confirmed. Good Day, Aika
Nanako"
My first thought was 'oh crap'. I would of used a very
Nit: Would 'have', not would 'of'. :)
<snip>
Closing the door behind me as I carried the box into the
living room. 'I wonder what this is?' I thought. Oh well
time to get some sleep. Now when it comes to sleep there
are times when I get a decent amount of sleep and
then... Well then there are times when I don't.
Um... just my opinion here, but if I were her, I wouldn't be so
casual about the package. Especially after the jolt she's just had
with the voiceprint and such. I'd be in ultra-paranoid mode, myself.
<snip>
Usually when I wake up I go from unconscious to
ready to go preetty fast. When I woke up next wasn't.
Wish I could do that. First hour it's still sleepytime for me. :)
Things were sorta fuzzy then clarified into reality.
Then I realized two things. One, I was no longer in my
bed or even my apartment. Two, I was wearing this suit
that I'd never seen before. Correction. Three things.
Three, I am twenty stories up the side of a high rise,
downtown. I was now perched on a ledge twenty stories
up. My first thought was 'How the smeg did I get up
here?'. My Second 'How the smeg am I going to get down'.
My Third 'this is a neat looking suit'.
Hah!
<Snip>
"How do we get down?" I asked. I wasn't sure I wanted to
hear the answer.
No, you don't. :)
"We jump"
See? Told ya.
<snip hardsuit scene>
Well... I dunno. I'm finding it kinda hard to believe that the
Knight Sabers would just plop her in a hardsuit and start training,
and even HARDER to believe that Priss would give her real name to this
relative unknown. Maybe if it's revealed that they've been watching
her for a while or something, maybe, but as-is, I'm not convinced.
<snip>
become more efficient. The budget cuts had resulted in
horrible slaughter of the AD police by boomers. The
Knight Sabers were looked upon as saviors and god sent.
Um... well, kinda... maybe. Seriously, this is different from
canon BGC. Now, if that's your intention, fine... but so far nothing
I've seen implies that. The Knight Sabers were tolerated by the
middle ranks of the ADPolice, liked by the grunts, and despised by the
VIP's. Even at that, the grunts would've arrested the KS without a
second glance (well, a third maybe... :) if they hadn't always managed
to escape.
<snip>
Then AD police were efficient now and could easily take
down all but the most dangerous of the boomers. The
Knight Sabers resurfaced at this point. They soon became
the bane of the AD police. They now were fast enough to
get to the boomer rampage scene minutes before the AD
police could. In some places the AD police only found
the smashed remains of the rampaging boomer. In others
they came upon the combat itself. The Knight Sabers had
new hard suits and were kicking ass. Three years of this
passed. The AD police became almost a joke. They were
getting beaten to the boomer seven times out of ten.
When they did get there first. The boomer died quick and
fast. Sometimes they lost men, but nothing compared to
earlier in the Decade.
Ok... new history? This explains a bit, but still doesn't explain
the previous bit.
Then there were three. One of the Knight Sabers
stopped appearing. The rumor along the grapevine was
that they had been hurt and they were taking an extended
vacation. Then another stopped showing up. Two were left
and the boomers that seemed such an easy chore for the
AD police began to turn nasty with a vengeance. The
standard operating manual for killing boomers seemed to
be tossed out the window. Instead of stupid but strong
boomers, they now were intelligent killing machines.
They tore through hastily set up AD police lines. The
only upside was if you were taken down by a boomer and
not killed the medics could probably save you.
Rumors over the net said that they were looking for more
members to replace the Knight Sabers that had been lost.
Well, obviously, the rumors are true. :) Heh.
<snip>
Throughout the night I dreamed I was a Knight Saber. Or
at least I was training to be one. Weird dreams of
combat, climbing up and down buildings. Even one of
leaping from the top to top of skyscrapers.
She's not just dreaming it, is she? :)
<snip>
real food. This perplexed me due to the fact that the
way I was searching you could of put a feed bag on me
and I wouldn't of minded.
Ah, the true hacker mentality! (food? Hmm... when -did- I eat
last?)
<snip>
An obviously disguised voice replied.
"To give you employment"
"With what company?"
"You'll know soon enough. Spectre."
"Huh? Spectre??"
After I said the word 'spectre' my world vanished in a
shroud of darkness.
Spectre? Huh? Now I'm confused.
<snip dialogue scene with Nene>
One thing you need to work on is remembering to use punctuation in
dialogue. Periods, commas, all of it. It's good dialogue, but hard
to read because of the lack of punctuation. Periods are -especially-
important. :)
<snip>
As we neared the end of the hall a door opened on the
side and someone nearly ran me over.
They and I collided and ended in a pile on the floor. As
we got up, I heard her swear 'she wasn't cut out for
this stuff'.
"Who are you?" I asked her.
"Name's, Yuri" she snapped.
Yuri? Not the DP Yuri, I hope. :)
<snip>
The black haired woman spoke first, as we looked
over the various weights and items in the 'Training
room'
"My name is Linna. This here is the training room, here
we will be testing how fit you are and how combat ready
you are"
Let's see... so far, we've seen Priss, Linna, and Nene. Sylia has
been mentioned. So, since all the Knight Sabers are obviously still
alive, why did the visible team drop from four to two?
<snip>
During my own testing I found my speed and strength had
increase in large amounts.
Yuri's increases were just as staggering.
She took the fore mentioned steel bar and twisted it
into a pretzel with all the ease of doing it with bread.
The astonished look on her face when she was able to
pick up a 200lb weight with her forefinger and thumb.
The ease she was able to juggle 50lb dumbbells.
At the end of the testing we both were sure we could
take Superman three out of four falls.
I'm assuming this IS while wearing the suits, yes? If not, then
you've REALLY got some explaining to do. A few weeks of night-time
phys. ed. won't do THAT. :)
<snip>
"So what do we call out?" Yuri asked.
"Well one of things we have done is so you can refer to
each other without calling out each other's name is
given each of you a code name."
"So what are they?" I asked.
"Well yours is Spectre and Yuri's is Atlas."
"Cool." both Yuri and I echoed.
<snigger> You know... I'm having a hard time keeping from
laughing here. :) The image of a Knight Saber shouting out activation
phrases is just so... odd... :)
"So the trigger phrases are?" Yuri inquired.
"your code name followed by" Nene mumbled the rest.
"What?"
"your code name followed by Knight Power Up" Nene
finished.
BWAH HAH HAH!!!!
"your kidding?" Yuri asked.
Suggest: "You're kidding." Yuri stated.
It seems more of a statement than a question. Also, it's
"you're", for you are, rather than "your".
<sniP>
"Ok, Then about your suits. They have a limited source
of power. Once that has expired you're back to your
normal self. The upside is you have almost a full two
hours of power. That should be sufficient for most
boomers."
_Two hours_? No kidding that should be sufficient! How much of a
tech upgrade have the KS's gone through?!?
<snip>
"There are two types of Knight Sabers, the careful and
the injured. Don't end up in the second category. Now
for the neat stuff."
I don't know... Personally, I think the words would have more
impact if they were "the careful and the dead."
Just my opinion. :)
<snip bikes section>
Ok, the bikes are cool... <drool drool drool> ;)
<snip>
I came to in the MediLab.
"What happened?" I said groggily.
"You over exerted yourself." Yuri replied.
"Did you see the size of that blast?"
"Yeah now if you could do that with out exhausting
yourself."
"Yeah. I agree" I replied.
Whoa.. waitaminute. Do the suits draw energy from the people?
That would explain part of the two-hour charge time.
Hmm... nifty. :)
Overall, I liked it. You've got a lot of technical problems,
though. Spelling is fine, but capitalization, punctuation, and
grammar are all lacking a bit. Big things I noted:
* "your" instead of "you're". "your" is a possessive, "you're" is
a contraction of 'you are'.
* Missing commas, especially in dialogue. In dialogue sections,
you set off a proper name with a comma, like so: "Hey, Mackie, are
those our bikes?"
* Sentence fragments instead of full sentences. This one's a bit
harder to define, but basically, you need to make sure that each
sentence (with minor exceptions) has a subject. For example, the
sentences:
Riding down the highway. Turning a corner.
are both fragments. A better way to do it would be:
I rode down the highway, then turned a corner.
(Obviously, you want to use descriptive text to flesh this out :)
* Tense. For the most part, you seem to write in past-tense...
but quite often it slips into present-tense, especially when starting
sentences. Instead of using present-tense verbs (running, walking,
turning), use past-tense verbs (ran, walked, turned).
Looking forward to the next bit. Can't wait to see the bikes in
action. :)
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org