----- Original Message -----
From: Jamie and Bridget Wilde <wildeman@psn.net>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Sunday, February 06, 2000 7:37 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2][Fusion] The Saotome Gambit Part 4
Please forgive me this bit of sophomoric drivel from an overworked
series that no one wants to read about anymore. I should be flayed alive
and fed to wild dogs for wasting everyone's time...
Umm..Sorry about not responding to part 2 and 3 of this. I've been REAL busy
and just haven't had the time. So I decided to give you an in depth C&C on
this part to make up for it!.(Well, about as in depth as I can get anyway):)
Enjoy!
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: TSG-4.txt
Chapter One
The Great Hall of Azure Cloud Castle
Planet Nerima, Capella System
13 February 3025
"You look quite handsome, Ranma."
Ranma looked down at himself and shrugged. The formal outfit was
borrowed, as he had no previous need for such a ridiculous get up. Kasumi
was just trying to make him feel better about this whole nightmare. **Easy
for her to say, he thought. **She's not the one getting railroaded.**
Needs closing thought marks after say.
"Uh, thanks," he muttered to her.
Grand Duke Soun Tendo waited nearby to step out into the hall and
address the delegates, and a sharply dressed Genma Saotome stood with him.
I don't know about the last part. It seems too awkward. Maybe you should
split
it into a seperate sentence. like...
Next to him stood a very sharply dressed Genma Saotome.
The smug looks the two gave each other were revolting. How was it possible
that his father and the Grand Duke were old friends? Not only that, but
they were close enough to want their kids to marry, and still did after
more than twenty years of separation!
<snipped>
"And nothing's changed! I don't want to marry this pervert."
I don't know about her calling him a pervert. He hasn't done anything that
could
really be considered perverted other than his curse.
If you want to keep it though(I think you should btw) I suggest that you
have akane
fumble a little for a word to call him then latch onto pervert.
suggestion:I don't want to marry this...this pervert!!
<snipped>
____________________________________________________________________________
J. Austin Wilde and Fission Park Press proudly present:
BATTLETECH: THE SAOTOME GAMBIT
PART FOUR
by J. Austin Wilde
Safety Control Rod Axe Man,
Fission Park Press
wildeman@psn.net
http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/
The characters and situations of Ranma 1/2 are the
creation and property of Rumiko Takahashi and
Shogakukan/KITTY/Viz Video. Battletech and its
related materials are the property of FASA, inc.
No infringement of copyright is intended nor
should be inferred by this work of fanfiction.
___________________________________________________________________________
<snipped>
Ranma remained in shock at the sudden twist of fate that would
catapult him one day into the throne of Nerima. It was too much for him to
even think about, much less understand. Akane seemed no less affected by
this turn of events. For a moment he almost saw some warmth in her eyes,
but it was probably just pity for him. He didn't need her pity. He turned
away and faced the audience once again.
Extremely well done!
* * *
<Snipped>
Genma nodded half-heartedly. Life would be much simpler for him after
the wedding that he was rather impatient.
This sentence doesn't sound very good. You might want to rework it so it
flows better.
All the same, even he could see
the sparks that flew between those two. "You're right, Tendo."
* * *
<snipped>
Tetsuo nodded gravely. "Tell the remaining staff to head for the
starport immediately. Once we are aboard our DropShip, and *only* then, I
will give the order to commence."
You might want to change it this to.."...and *only* then ,will I give the
order..."
"Yes, excellency."
Chapter Two
<snipped>
He ejected the powercell with a flick of his thumb and reached for
another one on his belt. He needed to kill this guy now, before Akane
drowned and before someone heard the commotion and sounded the alarm. The
only things going for him at the moment were an Akane too drug disabled
to make much noise, a nearly silent weapon, and an opponent who wasn't
smart enough to yell for help.
Ranma's foot was practically in his face a moment later, as the pig-
tailed mechwarrior flew at him in a jump kick. Tsubasa twisted clear of
the blow, sending Ranma over and past him to crash into the fountain. The
laser pistol fell from his hand as he tried to steady himself in the
clumsy
half-donned disguise.
The last sentence really doesn't fit with the rest of the paragraph. Maybe
break it
down into two sentences. One dealing with Tsubasa losing his balane due to
his
disguise and the other with him losing the laser pistol.
<snipped>
At least until the soldier put the fat black muzzle of his weapon
against the tip of her nose.
She jerked her head hard enough to the side to give herself a case of
whiplash, which was a small price to pay for not getting her head blown
off.
I don't think you need to repeat the second 'her head'. 'it' would work
better.
(A nitpick I know but..:) )
A dozen rounds of subsonic 10mm hydrashok sailed millimeters past her ear
and the burning powder from the muzzle flash singed her hair. As she
dodged
the burst she planted her left foot, held tight to the girl in her arms,
and pivoted into a savage roundhouse kick that hammered unchecked through
a full circle, and with the knife-edge of her foot coming squarely into
contact with a point just behind the soldier's ear. The sound of crunching
bone went unnoticed as Ranma hopped clear of the doorway in search of
another exit.
Unfortunately, it didn't look like there were any other exits, except
the edge of the garden wall, which was a precipitous drop of about four
hundred meters to a hard and jagged spur of mountain rock, and therefore
right out.
To make matters worse, Tsubasa had reloaded his laser pistol, and a
strobing flash of light cut into the stone wall by Ranma's head. More
splinters of rock stung her face as she finally got it through her head to
scream for help. The rest of the League commandos poured through the door
as she hollered for somebody, anybody, to help. The only thing that kept
them from cutting her down in a hail of bullets right then and there was
the fact that she was carrying Akane in her arms.
The POV seems to be floating a little here. It reads like its switched from
first person objective to third.
<snipped>
"In a few weeks you'll be just fine. Once we get your arm bandaged up
I'll take a look at that neck of yours. A little acupuncture should
probably
do the trick." He looked over to Akane. "I'm going to see to Akane now."
Ranma followed the doctor's glance over to Akane. She seemed pretty
out of it.
three sentences. three Akanes? that seems a little strange to me.
"Is she gonna be all right?"
Tofu smiled again. "She'll be fine as well, don't you worry."
"Who's worried?" Ranma asked nervously.
Tears continued to stream down Soun Tendo's face as he looked upon
Ranma. "I can't thank you enough for what you've done for Akane, son," he
blubbered. "Oh, I can almost feel the love between you two..."
"What?!" Ranma squawked. "Now wait just a second here..."
Genma stepped in before his son said something stupid. "I don't think
there was any doubt where the boy's priorities lie, Tendo. The real
question
here is who was responsible for this?"
"That's would I'd like to know," Ranma agreed.
would=what
<snipped>
Chapter Four
Furinkan Combine JumpShip _Imperator,_
within four light-seconds of the
Alpha Centauri-A Zenith Jump Point,
Alpha Centauri System, Furinkan Combine
17 February 3025
<snipped>
Because the technology to build new Kearny-Fuchida Jumpcores was
lost to the antiquity of the Star League, the Articles of War forbade
his forces from firing upon any enemy JumpShip that did not first open
fire on them. Any DropShips it released were fair game.
You might want to add an 'However' in front of 'Any dropships'. It just
sounds
better to me.
<snipped>
Chapter Six
Fisherman's Wharf, City of San Francisco,
North American Protectorate,
Planet Earth, Sol System
24 February 3025
<Snipped>
Her thoughts flashed to her older sister as she said this, but her
face remained stern and unyielding. **Everyone but Kasumi, anyway, and
what can she do?**
Why do I now have the image of Kasumi shooting Nabiki in the back of the
head
execution style?:)
<snipped>
END OF PART FOUR
Overall another excellent chapter. A little more serious than i'd expect
from a Ranma 1/2
crossover but it works. The look into Kuno's mindset was very good and his
conversation with Nabiki was chilling ! A few notes though.
1. Akane calling Ranma a pervert: In this fic, it really doesn't have a
strong
foundation. In the manga, he lied to her and saw her nude. In her mind
anyway,
it makes a pretty strong case to call him that .Here though a lot of that
didn't
happen. I still say to keep it but try to make it clearer that she just
called him
that because she couldn't think of anything else to say.
2. Line of Succession .I can see Kasumi not taking it on the grounds that
she couldn't take care of her family and the Confederation at the same time.
So she picked her family
for the simple reason that they needed her more.. Nabiki refusal to become
Heir is obvious. That leaves Akane.
3.Ranma getting injured: Normally people like to potray Ranma as near
invincible. To see him get hurt in this fasion makes him mortal. And to me,
that makes this story a lot more interesting. Especially now that I don't
expect him to destroy the entire Furikan Combime military force with his
little pinky.:)
4. Genma and Ranma's relationship:All I have to say is that I can't wait for
the final blowout.:)
5:Shampoo:Why do i see her bursting through one of the tendo palace walls in
a panther screaming "Ranma I kill!":)
That's it! And I will try to send some comments on this series whenever I am
able..
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