-----Original Message-----
From: Christopher Angel <angelcj@home.com>
To: FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>
Date: 12 February 2000 09:09
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma/Alt] [fic] A Rather Silly Thought - Prologue and Chapter One
(final?)
Heya. ^_^
All in my amateur opinion only. Some of these comments are about
personal style, so just go with what you want. I'm not trying to force
my view onto others. I don't do public C&C very often, so let me
know if I do anything wrong. Before I start, I'd like to say I really like
this story.
A Rather Silly Thought (tentative title)
Prologue and Chapter 1
An Altered Destiny
<snip!>
The panda was, well, a panda. A big one, yes, odd in that it was walking
much like a man, but a panda nonetheless.
"Baka Oyaji, put me down!" the bound girl hollered. "I want to go back to
China!"
"Ranma, please," the other girl said tiredly. "We've been through this
before. We can at least see what it is Ojiisan wants here before you head
back to your purple-haired trollop."
"She is NOT a trollop!"
The young blonde man frowned at the brunette and then said, "It is not our
place to naysay true love, be it wild like a hawk or gentle like a dove."
Heh. There was some great characterisation in this bit. I could tell who
everyone was just from this.
The door openned and Kasumi entered, a worried look on her face. "Otousan
would like to talk to us about something. Do you know where Akane is?"
The door opened
Nabiki shrugged. "Probably out on a run or practicing her demolition skills
in the dojo," she replied. Noticing her sister's expression, she asked, "Is
there something wrong?"
"Father said it was something about family honor," Kasumi explained.
A disgusted noise escaped from Nabiki's throat. "Why don't I like the
sounds of this?"
the sound of this?"
"Indeed," Soun replied sternly, dispite the surprising politeness. "I was
despite the
"One moment," Kodachi delayed, and turned to the combattants. "Stop this at
once!"
combatants
The man, Tatewaki, did so, only to find himself thrown by the redheaded
girl, Ranma, to land at the watchers' feet. He stood and glowered at her.
"Low blow," he claimed.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Ranma sighed, and then yelped as she barely dodged a
swipe from the panda. "Cut that out!" She stalked over to the Tendos and
bowed. "Ranma Saotome. Nice to meet ya," she said, and then blinked in
surprise as only cursory responses were made, the most dramatic by Soun who
burst into tears and was then led back into the house by two elder Tendo
girls. "Was it something I said?"
You don't really need that second speech tag. We already know who's talking.
"Nevermind them," Akane said with a smile, and looked at the two girls
earnestly. "I'm Akane. Want to be friends?"
"Uhh...sure," Ranma said uncomfortably.
No need for "uncomfortably", 'cause the words make it obvious he is.
"We'd be deligheted," Kodachi added, noticing Ranma's condition.
delighted
"Great! Come on, let's go to the dojo. Would you like to spar?"
A panicked look came into Ranma's eyes. "Uhh...well...that is-"
"Ranma is quite tired by her recent fight," Kodachi interrupted. "I would
be happy to spar with you."
"Okay," Akane shrugged, and began walking to the dojo. "Just let me change
into my gi."
Akane 'shrugged' what she was saying?
Perhaps: "Okay." Akane shrugged
***
"Quite nice," Kodachi said approvingly, looking around the dojo while they
waited for Akane.
"Tradition suffuses the air, from the door to the shrine over there,"
Tatewaki echoed.
Ranma winced. "That one really sucked, 'Niisan."
A shrug was Tatewaki's response. "My stuff's good enough." He went over to
examine the shrine more closely.
Gak! I can't take all this rhyming... must... resist... poetic tendencies!
"Why Ranma," the brunette responded innocently, "Might I detect a small note
of interest in your voice?"
"Why, Ranma,"
Ranma stiffled a snort and went to sit at the side of a dojo. "This should
be fun," she muttered, "let the carnage begin."
stifled a snort
***
"I am quite sorry, Akane," Kodachi apologised, looking at the floor.
Akane winced as Kasumi pulled another splinter out from her hand. "I was
the one who punched the wall," she said. "I went a little too far-oww!"
"Bravo, sis," Nabiki helpfully added. "Got tired of bricks?"
"Oh, shut up."
Having hotten the last of the splinters out, Kasumi stood and went to get
hotten? My, is that a new word I haven't heard about? :)
some bandages, but stopped. "Akane, you should take a bath before I bandage
your hand."
"Okay, Oneechan," Akane said, and headed up the stairs. "Coming, Kodachi?"
"In a moment," Kodachi replied, glancing over at the dinner table where a
now human Genma sat across from Soun. "I'm going to get Ranma and my
brother."
You don't have to add a speech tag like "he said, she said" every time
someone speaks. The above sentence could probably survive as:
"In a moment." Kodachi glanced over at....
If you can do without and still make it clear the identity of the speaker
and the emotions and tones underlying how they're saying it, then dump
the tag. Just say no! ;)
Akane looked at Tatewaki in surprise, not sure whether to be angry or
flattered.
"What happened to Ranma?" Kasumi wondered.
"Umm..." the girls looked over to see a handsome young man standing at the
bottom of the stairs, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment.
"I'm Ranma Saotome," he said. "Sorry about this."
"Umm..." The girls
Genma sniffed. "Well how was I to know?"
"Well, how was I to know?
"As the boy said, HOT not BOILING," the now-human Genma winced.
BOILING." The now-human Genma winced.
"Since this is to be a joining of families, and I am an unmarried Saotome,
would it not make sense if it was I who was engaged to one of these three
beautiful maidens?"
*shudder*
Ranma snorted. "Oh this is rich. Oyaji vouching for someone's virtue."
"Oh, this is...."
And Ranma's got a valid comment about the situation. <grin>
With a withering glance at his son, Genma replied. "Indeed, Tendo. A fine
young man, honorable, skilled, noble throughout."
"Fine then!" said Soun, and the two men shook hands. "Tatewaki was it?
"Tatewaki, was it?
Yes, he will be engaged to one of my girls..." he turned and gave his girls
a considering look.
He turned and
"Oh, Nabiki wants him," Akane said dryly, a smug on her face.
A smug on her face? Man, that sounds painful.<g>
"Me?!" Nabiki said in a panicked voice. "No, Kasumi would be a better
choice for a guy like him!"
Tatewaki cleared his throat. "Perhaps, Tendo-sama," he said to Soun, "it
would be wise for us to forestall that decision until I have gotten to know
your daughters better? I can see they are all fair creatures, but while the
beauty of the flesh is a fine thing, it is the soul within that matters, be
it gentle or fierce, wise or pure, humble or strong."
*Not bad,* Nabiki said to herself. "Not bad at all."
Is she saying both things to herself, or one thing to herself and
another outloud?
Just then, the wall to the dojo exploded inwards, showing a beautiful girl
in a tight purple bodysuit and purple hair. She weilded two large maces,
the business end large spheres of steel.
'wielded'
No prizes for guessing who... In fact, prizes taken away if you even try. :)
Chapter 2 is about...umm....1/3 to 1/2 done. I'm still working out how the
first school day goes.
Good. I want more. This is entertaining stuff, with potential for further
hilarity... and Kuno's curse is just so apt!
Just a couple of points to make.
Even though it was changed slightly, running through the sequence
where Soun gathers together his daughters and tells them about
Ranma for what feels like the hundredth time was more than a little
tiresome. I, personally, think that story would run more quickly if
as much as possible was cut out of that part or if it was changed
radically.
Also, there seemed to be an over-enthusiastic use of speech tags
and adverbs and to go for all sorts of different tags like "responded",
"growled", "delayed", "exclaimed". Try not to use something like
growl, unless you want to to draw a point to them growling. Overuse
can diminish their effects. I'm also guilty of this. Personally, I
find it annoying and obtrusive: too many tags don't allow the
dialogue to stand free and clear of narrator intervention. Of course,
you need to identify the person speaking, etc., and too much bare
dialogue without hints to whose speaking is confusing, but it's best
to keep it to a minimum and see if you can get the dialogue to stand
on its own. Like Allyn Yonge said in another post: "Pretend you
have to pay $0.25 for every word you post. ^_^ "
Of course, this is just my rambling (sorry about all that babbling, I get
carried away) opinion and personal preference. Stick with it if that's
the way you like it.
And yes, there will be a skating scene...of sorts. *Insert Evil Maniacal
Laughter here*
Oh, dear... oh, dear... someone forgot to give him his blue pills today.
*mutters* Now, where did I put that white jacket?
--
Christopher 'God-Boy' Angel
http://angel.megami.net
~Kayu-chan