Wheee! A new writer!
First of all you have a lot of basic writing problems, like starting a
new paragraph with each new person speaking. Like this:
"Ranma No baka!" screamed Akane angrily.
"Uncute tomboy!" retorted Ranma as he was slammed in the head by the
mallet of doom.
"Now that he had coming," said Genma sagely.
All you really need to do to fix this problem is go through the fic and
use the enter key and the tab key to your little hearts content.
Secondly you rushed it, it's a self insertion so you'll catch some heat
for it, but that's what I specialize in mostly so I won't rag on you
about it. You've got a pretty good idea here, but it's kind of hard to
swallow. I'll try to help you out, with something like this you might not
want to get to the Tendo home right away. Wait a chapter or two to build
charater between Ranma and his new brother, perhaps on the training trip.
I get the impression you want James to be new to martial arts.I'll go
through and point out a few things for you.
On Tue, 15 Feb 2000 13:35:28 CST "Comictiger H." <comictiger@hotmail.com>
writes:
Send all C&C to comictiger@yahoo.com. Only reply privately!
************************************************************
Ranma's Brother
by Comictiger
I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any of the characters from the series. I
am
simply borrowing them and will return them when I am done. I do not
plan to
make money using these characters and I am just having some fun to
entertain
others. Please do not sue me, I have no money.
Ah, the traditional disclaimer; I stopped using these a while ago.
Mostly because anything on this list without an Original tag on it is
breaking copyrights. I don't see how it's any more respectful to the
original writer, just a pointless blob of courtesy I guess.
Author's notes:
Well here it is, I finally got it posted. This is going to
be a continuing
series and I have no plans to completely stop it, I might take a
break for a
few months before I start to write again though :o).
**********************
CHAPTER 1
James Hawk was jogging home, talking to himself. "I hope my
new Ranma 1/2
video comes in the mail today! Man, I wish I was with Ranma in all
of his
adventures." He said while clutching a old piece of amber. It was a
family
heirloom that supposedly had wierd magical powers, but James didn't
care, he
liked the way it felt and looked.
The amber is some sort of jewlery? You should elaborate on this, take
your time with discriptions, just don't over do it. Kind of a cheap
heriloom if you ask me though.
Suddenly the amber flew out of
his hand
and landed on the ground. Not reacting soon enough, James stepped
on the
amber and felt a jolt of electricity before he fell to the ground
unconscious.
Perhaps it's valuable because it's battery opperated?
**********************
"W-What happened?" James said as he stood up, a little
dizzy. He looked
around and recognized it at once. "H-Huh? Jusenkyou? That
means...." James
said as he looked for the piece of amber. *OH NO! Dad is going to
kill me!*
he thought.
Personally 'dad' would be the last thing on my mind if I had found
Jusenkyo. Recognized what? You need discripton here, not too much since
most everyone on the list knows what Jusenkyo looks like. You can use
that as an excuse to skip a little descripton, but not to totally avoid
it.
He snapped out of it as he heard sounds of fighting
behind him.
He turned around to find a black-haired-pig-tailed boy fighting an
older
heavier bald man. *That kid looks like Ranma.... Wait...I think
that IS
Ranma, that means I have to stop him!* he thought without realizing
what
could happen to him.
**********************
"NOOOOOOO!" He yelled as he ran towards the two. Genma,
being distracted
by the scream, was caught off guard by Ranma and was kicked him off
of the
pole and into the spring beneath him. What jumped out wasn't him,
but a
panda. Shocked at the panda that jumped out of the spring, he
didn't notice
two things: 1) a boy stood below him about to hit the bamboo pole he
was
standing on, and 2) the panda was in the air, aimed at him. What
happened
was this:
This reads more like an outline than an actual fic here.
James unsuccessfully tried to knock Ranma off the pole,
and was
knocked into the spring with Ranma. As they both surfaced, a
Chinese man
approached them and said, "Poor customer, you two fall in
Nyannichuan,
Spring in Drowned Girl. Very tragic story of girl who drowned here
1500
It's a nit pick, but "fifteen hundred year ago" just looks better.Btw,
just as a rule in cannon Ranma The jusenkyo never puts an 's' at the end
of his words, Shampoo is the same way. If you want to do it this way it
won't hurt anything though.
years ago. Now whoever fall in spring takes form of girl."
"W-W-What?!?!"
Ranma and James said together. They looked down at their chests,
took off
their shirts, and screamed a scream that was heard even at the
Amazon
village.
**********************
As I said before, you need to build on character a bit with the new guy,
and a perfectly missed opportunity was during this time. Perhaps you
could use flash backs?
"No way Pop!" a redhead screamed as she kicked a panda into
a sign pole,
knocking him out. "Way to go Ranma!" another redhead said. From
far away,
you might say that the two girls were identical, but upon closer
inspection,
you could see that one was slightly thinner and had bigger...how
could you
put it...equipment. Also that one was wearing a blue Chinese shirt
while
the other, Ranma, was wearing a red one.
Making your guy more attractive than Ranma in his girl form is risky,
perhaps you could use it for some teasing later on? Or perhaps have James
not care about the curse he has?
Other than that, they
looked
alike, almost like sisters. "Well that roundhouse you did back
there wasn't
too shabby, James." Ranma said as the other redhead beamed.
Another warning, try not to have James get too good at martial arts
quickly. I can understand him learning enough to keep from getting
killed, but he should never be better than even Akane. She's been
training her whole life pretty much with all of her free time. He
probably hasn't. Unless of course it was a part of the deal when he got
sent here, in which case he should still keep it toned down to just below
Ranma's level at most.
"OK,
now lets
go back to China to find a cure for this curse!" Ranma said running
down the
street. It was at this time the panda chose to get back up and
capture each
girl under his arms and run towards a building.
**********************
Genma had to knock Ranma out with a sign to drag him to the Tendo's
home, I can see you're changing little things like that in the fic.
That's ok though if it helps the flow. Personally I keep copies of the
manga with me when I write just in case I need something from a scene or
two. Even with post 38 stories.
"Kasumi! Nabiki! Akane!.....Akane!" Soun yelled as each of
his girls came
to his call. "What is it father?" Kasumi asked. "An old friend is
coming
here with one of you girls� fianc�e and a guest!" "Let me see that
post
card." Nabiki said as she took the post card and read:
-----------------------------------------------
Bringing a guest and Ranma from China.
Genma
-----------------------------------------------
Once again, this seems rushed, I can understand though since this scene
has been written and read many times before. It also seems strange that
Genma would refer to his adopted son as "Guest." Maybe you where trying
to keep it a secret? But if so why give it away in the title that way?
Before anyone could say anything more, a knock and a muffled voice
was heard
at the door. "That must be them!" Soun yelled as he ran to the
opening it,
revealing a panda standing upright with a redhead girl under each
"arm".
"These are your friends daddy?" interjected Nabiki. "If they are,
they
weren't like this when I knew them." Soun replied shaking his head..
The
two girls got free. While one tried to pummel the panda, the other
walked
to Soun and said, "Mr. Tendou, could I please have a kettle of hot
water?".
This looks like an "Our hero solves everyone's problems before they
happen fic. You've got to get creative with the problems that come up.
It's boring to just read you're guy fixing everything before it happens.
Too stunned to say anything, he just nodded yes. Kasumi went into
the
kitchen and came out with a kettle. "Thank you Mr. Tendou." is what
the
redhead replied gratefully. And before anyone could stop her, she
poured it
over her head, flinching. All three girls and Mr. Tendo stared in
disbelief
as the girl changed into a boy. Ranma-chan and Genma-Panda stopped
thier
fighting as they saw the hot water change James-chan back. Both of
them ran
for the kettle trying to get back in their original shape.
Ranma-chan got
their first, being faster as a girl than her father as a panda.
Genma seems on par with Ranma in either form even better usually,
especially this early in the manga/anime.
She
grabbed
the kettle and poured the hot water onto herself. There was just
enough
water to change Ranma-chan back to a boy. By now, the three sisters
and
their father had fainted. "How are we going to explain this James?"
asked
Ranma. "We just tell the truth with our example here." James said,
pointing
to Genma-panda.
You're using their names too much. Break it up a bit, He, she [when
cursed], pigtailed boy, old man, Ranma's father, his friend. There are
lots of other words to use besides Ranma and James.
**********************
When the others woke up, the first thing said was "How? How
did you do
that?".
Soun, Kasumi, and Nabiki asked this question. Ranma and Genma
explained,
while James sat bored though he whole thing, and then, without
warning,
Genma said," Here, lets have a visual example." and picked up James
and
threw him in the koi pond.
This is good, you should have Genma constantly picking on James, he's
weaker than Ranma and a much easier target. I know he's weak, but don't
make him real smart either, even if it is a self insertion. You should
not be revealing important information narrowly escaping notice or
outsmarting Nabiki Tendo. It's been done to death. Actually, it's much
more entertaining if you're either exceptionally sneaky [I.E. bordering
on evil] or extreamly dumb.
A wet and angry James-chan surfaced and
yelled,
"Why did you do that for?!?!" and ran towards him and threw him in.
| Is
that anyway to treat the person who has..| Genma signed and flipped
the sign
over |..adopted you and made you his own son?|. "YES!" replied
Ranma and
James-chan.
Plot problem number one. Genma is a lazy sneaky coward. No matter how
good of a martial artist he is. He would have trouble finding a reason to
accept a to adopt, much less taking him along with him on the trip. It's
hinted that he doesn't keep money very well and pretty much has to live
on stealing food or trading his son for things. He even left Ukkyo behind
despite accepting the dowry for her engagement. You're gonna need a good
reason for this revelation. [Perhaps the boy has something he wants that
badly and he just has to figure out how to get it?]
"So hot water changes you back right?" asked Soun as he
poured
a kettle full of water over James-chan and Genma-panda, "Then the
curse
isn't as bad as I thought." continued Soun happily. "But it needn't
be that
hot!" Genma yelled. "Ranma, meet my daughters, Kasumi, Nabiki, and
Akane."
Soun said, "Pick one and they will be your fianc�e.". "He wants
Akane."
Kasumi and Nabiki said as they pushed her forward. "W-What?" Akane
asked
without a clue. "You said you didn't like boys, and he is a girl
half the
time! Lucky You!" Nabiki said. "I can't marry him! He's a couple
in
himself!" Akane replied. "Now is no time for fianc�es, I'm going to
China
to find a cure. Are you coming James?" Ranma asked. Before he
could
answer, Soun asked James, "Are you adopted, are you James Saotome?"
"W-Well
yes but..." James started to say not liking where this was going,
but was
interrupted as Soun yelled, "Good, since Ranma does not want a
fianc�e, you
are Akane's fianc�!"
Major plot hole number two. An adopted son would not carry on the
Saotome line, unless of course the blood relative couldn't for some
reason. It is Ranma's responsability, also it should be noted that the
agreement seems to specify that Ranma has to marry one of the Tendos.
Ranma's refusal to go along with the plan would not work. James might be
a Saotome in name, but as far as agreements between the families go I'm
pretty sure it's just that and nothing more.
Furthermore, the Tendo's seem to be a -very- traditional family. The
might tollerate having James around as he is Genma's adopted son, but it
is very unlikely that they would support a Gaijin marrying into the
family. I can understand you might want this as a plot device. That would
leave Ranma free to marry Ukyo, [Who would probably be his choice without
Akane BTW.]
Upon hearing this, James lied down and went to
sleep
with a look of shock on his face. "Oh my, he went to bed early, and
that is
good if he wants to go to school on time tomorrow." Kasumi said with
a smile
on her face. "S-School? I don't need to go to school, I am a
martial
artist!" exclaimed Ranma, but before he could run out the door,
Genma
stopped him. "Now boy, I know you don't like it, but you need to
get an
education so you won't be a dumb street fighter." Genma said as he
hit Ranma
so hard he joined James in slumberland.
Probably the way they make traveling money. Ryoga doesn't have a job,
and he brings presents to Akane all the time. This is probably where he
get's his funds as well, unless he comes from a rich family or something.
A few words of advice,
You'e got a real good idea here, personaly I like the idea of your guy
ending up engaged to Akane. Just don't over do it, have her treat him
exactly the way she does Ranma no matter how nice he is to her. Most of
the tension between them is because of the meddling parents and the
forced engagement. Ranma's mouth is mostly just an excuse to hit him.
I also noticed you skipped the bath scene and the all important "You
want to be friends?" from Akane at female Ranma/James. Try to play into
that making them more distant. [All three of them,] This Ranma has never
seen Akane being nice to him or anyone else, and he probably won't for a
while yet.
Also you can use your character to play things off of Ranma, he has
someone to talk to now, a friend and confidant who isn't out to kill him
or bed him. Use this as much as you want, just don't try to make the
pigtailed boy any smarter. In fact, have James being just as clueless
often giving bad advice without meaning too.
This also works in reverse, you can develop Jame's character easily and
quickly this way. Him getting homesick would work out well in private
conversations with Ranma. After all, who better to give friendly advice
about women than the self proclaimed 'Irrisistable Saotome."
Another angle you can use is having Genma be a gruff father figure to
the boy, actually parenting him from time to time, albeit badly. He acts
that way with Ranma on occasion, mostly giving bad advice, but at least
he tries. A relationship between them would be interesting. You can use
this to reveal Genma's motivations on addopting the boy as well. Just
don't make it something lame like "He has much potential, or He has great
abilites inside him, perhaps greater than Ranma."
I've rambled long enough, hope this got you're gears turning! I enjoyed
the fic!
Keep writing and Ja-ne!
Carrot Glace.
End Chapter 1
**********************
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