Nice story. WAFFy without be overly WAFFy.
Here's some C&C. Some spelling, some grammar, some questions, some
suggestions, some joking. Ignore all of it or use some of it.
You're the author.
Comments at the end.
On Sun, 13 Feb 2000 18:41:11 -0700, Arthur Hansen wrote:
Yes, I've finally finished this up. There is a continuation in the works,
named Lessons of Honor, but that will be an entirely new story. I'll give a
small warning, the Amazons are not portrayed kindly. Not badly, either mind
you. I used this story as a vehicle for several ideas I had about their
culture.
It's WAFFY and a continuation. Have fun.
-------------------
Lessons of Mastery
"This is for real, old man. You've ruined my life for the last
time," Ranma yelled out his frustration.
"If you really believe that. I have done everything I can for
Sentence fragment. "If you really believe that." is not a complete
sentence. It also doesn't make a lot of sense . . . unless you
changed it to a question:
"Do you really believe that? I have done everything I can for you.
And this is the respect that you show me?"
That works much better. I can almost hear Genma saying this in that
self-rightous manner he seems to have a lot of the time.
you. And this is the respect that you show me?" The senior
Saotome yelled back.
wasn't wearing his sleeveless Chinese shirt and loose pant. As
pants.
Each pant leg is a pant, together they're a pair of pants. I don't
know why, that's just the way english seems to do it. Pair of pants,
pair of trousers, pair of jeans, pair of slacks. Plural.
"It is time, for there is little that I can teach you."
Really, and after 10 years on the road? Missing word I believe.
'more' as in 'little more that'
Ranma stared at his father for a moment. Then he straightened up,
and bowed to his father. "I do hear by do formally challenge you
'hereby' one word, not two. This is a 'legal' word like 'herein',
'hereto', or 'heretofore' often found in contracts. It adds
stuffiness to the speech. Nothing wrong with that. Also, drop a
'do'. You don't need both. "I do hereby formally challenge", "I do
formally challenge", "I do challenge" would all work okay.
For that matter you could drop both of them. "I formally challenge
you" or simply "I challenge you" but that loses some of the dramatic
finality of the challenge and doesn't quite work as well. I'm saying
these out loud as I go. I like "I do hereby formally challenge you"
then best.
Ranma flowed like the wind. This wasn't like there morning
'their' not 'there'
Akane wandered out about a half an hour later, looking out over
the quo pond. Ranma and his father were in rare form. She watched
'koi' not 'quo'
the edge of the pond. She stepped back, and made a small `eeping'
What is that symbol in front of 'eeping'? Is ` that supposed to
be an apostrophe? Doesn't look like one. You use it several times.
into the largest of the remaining boulders around the quo pond.
'koi' not 'quo' Where do you get 'quo' from? I'm fairly sure it's
referred to as the koi pond because it has Koi (a species of Carp?)
swimming in it.
going to be sucked into another silly hair brained scheme of his.
Misspelled word. 'hair brained' should be 'harebrained'. Check a
dictionary.
all your shame in enslaving the pig-tailed girl. And to crush you
for being engaged to the fair maiden Akane!" Kuno yelled.
"I haven't enslaved the pig tailed girl!" Ranma yelled, starting
to get upset.
Now, let's be consistent. In one paragraph you use a hyphen in
'pig-tailed' and then in the next you don't. It should be the same
in all paragraphs and it should have the hyphen or it could be all
one word like "pigtailed". Consider this to apply to all other
instances in the rest of the story.
"Did you hear what the Kuno has to do, since I beat him today?"
'the Kuno' Since 'Kuno' is not a title, 'the Kuno' is not correct.
Maybe 'the Blue Blunder' or just "Did you hear what Kuno has to do,
since I beat him today?"
"Come on Nabiki. Please!" Ranma pleaded.
'pleaded'? How does begging fit in with this new sense of
responsibility? Besides, Ranma may be dense on some occasions, but
he can't be so dense that he wouldn't know that begging Nabiki would
get him nowhere. How about simply requesting her help. She'd still
say no but at least he wouldn't be begging.
"Nabiki, I need you to speak to Kuno, explain the truth about the
pig-tailed girl to him," Ranma calmly stated.
"Well, then I'll have to pick my Tendo fianc,e then, won't I,"
improper use of a comma. 'fiancee' is not spelled 'fianc,e'. You
were probably trying to get an accented 'e'. It didn't work. Same
error for 'caf,' instead of 'cafe'. Suggest you do a global search
and replace if you're able to do so.
A short while later, Akane dragged Ranma's carcass into the
clinic. She deposited him on a table and went to find Dr. Tofu.
I can deposit coins in a soda machine, I can deposit money into my
checking account, I could probably safely say I deposit the trash
into the trashcan every week, but I don't think I can deposit someone
on a table.
How about 'dropped', 'placed', 'put', or 'laid' for some alternate
choices?
He walked out, and took a look at Ranma. "Akane, I thought you
'walked out'? 'walked out' of where? And where's Akane when he's
walking out? This needs to be rephrased/fleshed out a bit. How
about something like this:
'She dropped him on a table in the examination room and went to find
Dr. Tofu, who was in his office. She followed as he stepped back
into the examination room and took a look at Ranma.'
"You really need to learn to control your temper, young lady. I
want you try and not hit anyone, just because they upset you.
Even Ranma. Though why he let's you hit him is beyond me." Dr.
'lets' no apostrophe needed.
missing 'to' as in 'you to hit him'
Actually I would think that Tofu would speak with a bit more polish.
"Though why he allows you to hit him is beyond me." But that's just
my opinion.
Tofu continued to lecture Akane.
Here's a question for you, as I can't seem to get a good answer. Is
Tofu his family name or his first name? Is he Dr. Tofu with a first
name of Ono or Dr. Ono with a first name of Tofu?
You are using Dr. Tofu. Do you know for certain this is correct?
Dr. Tofu just looked at Ranma for a minute, and then started to
chuckle. "It all boils down to martial arts for you doesn't it?
How about this? I bet you I can come up with a reason for just
Awkward phrasing. 'I bet you I can'. Nothing really inherently wrong
with it but when I read it I keep 'seeing' it as "I'll bet you I can"
or "I will bet you I can".
"That's easy, Ranma. You need good math basics to help with the
finances to run a dojo. Or are you going to hire Nabiki to do
that? And not have any money at all?" Dr. Tofu replied calmly.
Not to mention the applicability of geometry, algebra and maybe
physics. His style, what with bouncing off of walls and such, uses
geometry in a natural automatic fashion. Calculating angles, setting
up rebounds. I would think Ranma would be a pretty good pool player
if he ever tried his hand at it.
A look of consternation passed Ranma's face. "Uh, literature!"
Ranma was smiling again.
"Aren't there some really good stories about martial art fights,
and how those battles were won?" Dr. Tofu smiled again.
"History?" Ranma asked with a little less confidence.
"Almost the exact same reason as literature. And I'm sure you saw
that too," Dr. Tofu gently scolded.
Of course in other stories Ranma already knows this to certain extent
as he studies The Art of Way by Lao Tzu.
"Um, biology! Got you there!" Ranma crowed happily.
"Biology leads to anatomy, which leads to medicine, which leads
to understanding things like pressure points and how to train
your body. I should know." Dr. Tofu smiled again.
"English!" Ranma said with a touch of his old confidence.
"Shouldn't you know what your enemies are saying, so you can
defend yourself?" Dr. Tofu asked.
Couldn't that same argument be used to make him learn french, german,
spanish, italian, russian, greek, turkish, et cetera, et cetera? Who
says his enemies will be speaking English?
such a pest. I wish I could just clean your . . .." A little
Improper ellipse. You almost have it right, put a space after the
third dot and delete the fourth dot.
light bulb went on over Ranma's head.
Something brighter than an 5 watt I hope. ^_^
Akane fumed. Not that this was a new thing. The focus of her
anger was different this time though. How could Ryoga? Pretending
to be her pet pig. And Ranma knew and didn't do anything to stop
it. Her battle aura sprang into existence, forming a red sheath
around her. The water of her bath started to steam.
"Both of them are perverts. Just like Happosai," Akane yelled to
herself.
"Well, not like Happosai. Ranma fights him so often. And the
fastest way to make him mad is to call him a pervert. Which he
is! Sneaking into my room in the middle of the night," Akane said
to herself. She closed her eyes, and focused on images of Ranma
sneaking into her room. Her eyes flashed open in surprise. He had
always had a tea kettle with him. When he was male. He only
needed hot water to change back from his cursed form. His female
form.
He had the water for Ryoga. Realization crashed into her with a
shock. Ranma had been trying to protect her from a pervert. And
she had treated him horribly for it.
Something else clicked in her, as she had dropped her battle aura
when she had been shocked. The water was really, really hot!
"AIIIIE!" Akane yelled as she jumped out of the water. Akane was
red all over. "Oops. How did that happen?" Akane looked over at
the bath. It was steaming and bubbling.
ROTFL what more can I say?
In the shadows, a short, bald, old figure crept through the
house. "So that's what they are up to? Ah, well, it won't work
any better than the last couple of things they've tried,"
Happosai said to himself. Besides, it was time to go on his
nightly raids. And nothing got in his ways of that!
'way' not 'ways' no need for a plural.
Ranma considered it carefully. He sighed, "You know I don't hit
girls. I really need a sparring partner. Both of our dads can't
right now, and I don't want to lose my edge."
Judgement call. Those first two sentences ought to be combined.
"You know I don't hit girls, but, I really need a sparring partner."
But that's just my opinion.
"Only if you were going to hit air. I barely felt that, Ranma.
I'm not a china doll, you know." Akane was still a bit upset. I
might be a girl, but I'm still a martial artist. She tried an
Missing quotes? "I might be a girl, but I'm still a martial artist."
Is she saying it or thinking it? But why would she be thinking it?
If she's not saying it, it's superfluous.
walls. He almost didn't pull it out of habit of fighting with his
possible missing comma? 'didn't pull it, out of habit of'
If you took out the 'out of habit of fighting with his father,' the
sentence would still work. This implies a comma before 'out'.
'He almost didn't pull it and put more force into it than he
intended.' works just as well as 'He almost didn't pull it, out of
habit of fighting with his father, and put more force into it than he
intended.'
"But I'd have to hurt you to . . to make you tougher," Ranma said
improper ellipse, missing a dot and a space.
"You don't want to hit me! Or . . . you don't want me to get
An absolutely correct and proper ellipse. So you know how to do it,
fix the rest of them.
Ranma was coming to a hard decision. Akane was right, he couldn't
defend her all the time. So she really needed to train as hard as
possible. But it would hurt her a lot. "I'll train you as best as
I can, all right? It's gonna hurt though. At least until you
toughen up a lot."
Akane's eyes started to twinkle. "Thank you, Ranma. You don't
know how much this means to me."
"And don't worry, I'm not afraid of being hurt." Akane said bravely.
"Ohhh! You will be." Ranma replied, leaning in his eyes staring into
hers with an intensity she had never seen before. "You will be."
"Eeep!"
Akane sagged. "But no one teaches me the special techniques. I'm
not special enough, I guess," She said in a small voice. She
looked so forlorn and sad.
No! Not the special Tendo School AGMA puppy dog face attack!!
Nabiki just blinked for a moment. "Oh. That's all right then."
She looked a bit perplexed.
She doesn't sound perplexed. Try: "Oh . . . well . . . that's all
right then."
"Nope, I need to eat this much just to keep going. That reminds
me! Akane, you need to eat more. Chestnuts roasting on an open
Why the exclamation mark after 'me'? It doesn't really deserve that
much emphasis. Suggest a period instead.
"Well, you go jogging every morning, right? Well now your going
you're not your. Be careful with 'your'. Read the sentence. If you
can replace 'your' with 'you are' then you need to use "you're"
instead of 'your'.
Example: You're wise to put your money in a bank.
"I must test the information that the lady Nabiki told me
'the lady Nabiki' sounds like a title, if so it should be 'the Lady
Nabiki' or simply 'information that Nabiki told me.' without the 'the
lady'.
The ground started to crack under Ranma's feet, spreading out to
a circle ten feet away from Ranma. Some of the smaller rocks
started to float straight up. Ranma cupped his hands, starting to
prepare his chi blast.
"Kame-ha-me-ha!" Oops. Wrong series. Cool mental image though.
Brown eyes relaxed from where they had watched the unfolding
scene from the second floor. Nabiki breathed a sigh of relief.
She hadn't ever seen Ranma that angry with one of his normal
sparring partners. Not even Ryoga at his worst. "That was . . . .
interesting, don't you think so girls?" she said to her cohorts.
"Interesting? How about terrifying? Ranma looked like he was
about to kill Kuno," said the girl next to Nabiki.
"Yeah, check my shorts!" Another replied.
"I'll bet Kuno's going to check his," said a fourth.
All: "Ewwww!"
Ranma looked up in surprise from his lunch. "Oh, hi Ukyo. I'm
kind of upset. Nothing to worry about." To show he was alright,
Pet Peeve: 'alright' is basically slang. It really should be
written as 'all right'.
he dug in with gusto. Akane glowered at his side, starring
'starring'? 'starring' in what? A movie? Try 'staring' as in "I
am staring at you". A better choice might be 'glaring' but that
would be redundant as she is already 'glowered'.
'glowered is the past tense of 'glower', a verb meaning to look
sullenly or angrily aka to glare. 'staring daggers' is also glaring.
So Akane has been and is glaring at the same time?
How about this: 'Akane simmered at his side, staring daggers at
Ukyo.'
In other words, Akane is at a low boil and not very happy with Ukyo.
Does that express the mood you're trying to convey?
"That pretty neat Ukyo. So when do you leave?" Ranma asked
"That's pretty neat" or "That is pretty neat"
With a ring of a bell, and a loud oomph, Shampoo's bicycle landed
on her target. The wrong one, but she was so used to aiming for
the one on the fence. "Nia ho, Ranma!" Shampoo said loudly. Akane
'Nia ho'? Is that the correct way of writing that? I ask because I
really don't know. I'm sure I've seen it as 'Nihao' in other
stories.
After a few minutes of calming a slightly panicked Ranma, and
dealing with Akane's small concussion, Dr. Tofu finally spoke
asked, "What happened?"
The phrase 'spoke asked' is redundant. You should delete one of the
words and use the other by itself.
Example1: Dr. Tofu finally spoke, "What happened?"
Example2: Dr. Tofu finally asked, "What happened?"
some books on pressure points in martial arts? I've always wanted
to learn more of them, but Pop don't know them, and don't trust
Cologne."
Missing pronoun 'I': 'and I don't'
they took away his slippers of stickiness and punted him any
ways, they got into an argument dealing with who was going to
'any ways'?? 'anyway' would work better.
"No. I'm saying it's usually lethal. And I don't wanna die,"
Finally! An honest commentary. Every time I read a story with Ranma
beating around the bush instead of just saying it outright makes me
want to scream. Thank you.
around her. With that, the cute kitten took off for the Cat Caf,.
Cafe.
"I am . . . . fine, Nabiki Tendo," Kuno said. Kuno's poor
Improper ellipse. One dot and space too many.
with Nabiki. She always things like that with him. As a matter of
missing word? 'said' as in 'She always said things like that with
him.'
"You'll nock her sock off, Kuno baby," Nabiki smiled. She had
'knock' and the phrase is usually 'knock <pronoun> socks off'.
<pronoun> being his, her, your, their or its. Unless, of course,
she's only wearing one sock.
Kasumi just smiled to her stuffed toy. "Isn't he just so silly
sometimes, Whiskers?"
ROTFL again.
And isn't Kasumi just so wicked sometimes.
"Oh my!" Kasumi said eloquently. Now how to snap Akane out of her
shock?
Whisper 'kawaiikunee' in her ear?
Windows cracked, and the pavement in the small ally shattered.
missing letter 'e' in 'ally' : 'alley'
dash. Ranma started to chuckle, with a strained, taut sound to
it. Just a toy. Kasumi had managed to scare him with a toy. How
pathetic. The great Ranma Saotome, run off by a small, cute, toy.
Yeah, but funny as heck. ^_^
He leaped back up to the roof, expecting Ranma to follow. Ranma
obliged, yelling at his supposedly fleeing opponent, "What's
wrong Mousse? I thought you wanted to fight? Whoops!" Ranma had
fell into the impromptu trap of Mousse. Some construction workers
'fallen'. 'Ranma had fallen into the impromptu trap of Mousse.'
Or delete the 'had' and make it 'Ranma fell into the impromptu trap
of Mousse.'
impacting into the cold, unforgiving ground of the ally they had
alley
"Uh, sure Kasumi. No problem," Akane replied. Gingerly taking a
hold of Ranma, she carried the young women up to the bathroom.
'woman' singular. 'women' is plural.
Akane had gotten his hands and lower arms clean. She was starting
on his hair when he started to come around. Ranma's eyes swam
into focus, feeling something massaging his hair. He heard
somebody humming in his ear. He groaned, and turned to look Akane
eye to eye. He froze for just a second. Very carefully, he patted
his hip under water to see if he was wearing his boxers. He
relaxed a bit after he discovered he was.
Good to know he's got priorities.
Ranma jerked, and then patted his hair. "Um, Akane, I'd, uh, like
to . . . .," Ranma stuttered.
The '.,' is unneccessary. "to . . . " is okay although adding a comma
doesn't hurt. "to . . . ,"
"Well, that was one time. Most of the times his teaching method
works," Ranma said flippantly. He poked and prodded Akane's arms
For some reason that second sentence doesn't work for me when I say
it out loud. It just seems that 'times' shouldn't be plural.
Example1: "Most of the time his teaching method works,"
or
Example2: "Most of the time his teaching methods work,"
"What? But . . . . oh you. I'm not going to make the same
improper ellipse.
She clutched at the elusive memory, trying to remember. Finally
she grasped the elusive memory. It was the same dojo, and the
same gliding motions. But it was an elegant lady, dressed in a
gi, slipping through the motions. Several girls in the background
tried to follow the slow elegant motions.
Akane started to shed silent tears. She hadn't remembered until
then that her mother had taught a few classes for some of the
girls in the neighborhood. Her heart broke a little more, but she
was smiling at the memory.
sniff, I think you just broke the bank on the WAFFy quota.
"It's really simple, deary. Do you think that any Amazon would
'dearie' is the usual spelling I was taught. I've never seen 'deary'
before.
"I used the . . . . Cat Fist. I didn't use her techniques to beat
Improper ellipse.
"She . . . . she lied to me. She lied to me. She set me up and
Improper ellipse.
"Oh, sorry. I guess I was really upset," he replied lamely.
In this instance I would put a period after 'Oh', I'm not sure why,
it just feels like a full stop would be better. As in "Oh. Sorry.
I guess I was really upset,"
Akane opened the tube with the pictures that she had just won. In
the tube was a scribbled had written note from Ranma. It read,
`Sorry, no pictures! Just motivetng motivating you!'
'motivetng motivating' is there a reason for this phrase or did you
just forget to delete the misspelled one (motivetng). Also, extra
space between the two words.
"Are you ready to try and cook, Akane?" Kasumi asked with a
moderately fearful tone.
'fearful tone, as she stood there with her wraparound lead apron with
the arcane symbols written in blood along its edges.'
Kasumi blinked and rubbed her eyes. That was Akane? Right?
'Then she heard a slight pop and turned slowly to see a gigantic seed
pod slowly open as the newly grown Kasumi clone began to step out.
Next to was an already empty pod . . . '
"I . . . . don't know. Your ability to learn techniques borders
Improper ellipse.
"Ranma. It is time for you to be truly challenged. I, Gemko
Happosai, hereby challenge you for you title of Master of the
'your' 'challenge you for your title of'
"What? Of course n. Do you really think you can stand against
' n.'? ' not.' or ' n . . . '
I'm not sure what you're trying for here.
"Then who. Don't you even think about it, you old hag. You touch
one hair on Akane's head, and I'll hunt you done the ends of the
'down to' not 'done' as in 'I'll hunt you down to the ends of the
earth.'
"Very well. You have force this hand upon yourself. Ranma
'forced' as in 'You have forced this hand'
"Stop! Ranma that is not you title!" Happosai said suddenly. He
'your' not 'you'
"Of course you are. aren't you?" Nodoka looked the animal over
thoughtfully. The panda was acting just like. Genma used to! It
Delete the comma after 'like'. 'acting just like Genma used to!'
Cologne watched Ranma carefully. His movements were quite
different. A litheness that had always been there had been
magnified. His strikes were sure. They had been become ever
'been' is not needed. Delete it. 'They had become ever faster'
me wrong so that you could drag me back to China. That'll happen
extra space between 'wrong' and 'so'
"Nope. That's something I noticed about the perver. Happosai. He
Missing 't' on 'perver.'
"Ranma isn't a pervert! He, he proved that when he showed me that
Ryoga was the true pervert! I couldn't believe he snuck into my
bath like that!"
Nabiki blinked in surprise. "Um, Akane, you took Ryoga into that
bath, remember?"
Nodoka said quietly, "Um, excuse me."
"No, I didn't! He snuck in there!"
"Akane, you gave Ryoga a hot bath and figured out that he was P-
chan."
"I WHAT?"
"Akane, Ryoga is P-chan."
"No he isn't. He can't be." Akane grasped her head trying to
fight for her memories.
Nabiki sighed and pulled out a stage horn, put it up to Akane's
ear and shouted, "Ryoga is P-chan! Remember!"
You could hear an audible snap, as the final thread of the
subconscious command broke away. "I remember! Ryoga is P-Chan!
I've known it for almost a year. B-but I couldn't ever make
myself remember."
This whole sequence is confusing to me. In the earlier part of the
story you have Ranma prove he isn't a pervert by manipulating Akane
into discovering P-Chan's secret. When did Cologne erase her
memories? In this story? And how? I get the feeling part of this
segment is left over from an earlier version of this story in which
Cologne did erase the memory and when you revised it you didn't clean
everything up.
Or am I wrong? If I'm wrong, then this segment is very inconsistent
with the earlier portions of the story and totally negates the stated
reasons for Ryoga to be trained by Cologne.
Ranma breathed a sigh of relief, and then continued to focus his
mind in the complex nothingness of invisibility. He'd only have
one chance at this. He sweat bullets, keeping to ki technique
'the' instead of 'to' as in 'keeping the ki technique'
Ranma sent more shurikan streaking towards the ancient martial
artist. Cologne casually swatted the annoying implements away.
She caught just hint of movement, and felt a burst of pain in her
shoulder, where a hidden pressure point was seated deeply within
the flesh. Normally the only way to use this pressure point was
by digging in with your fingers, or. an acupuncture's needle.
Delete period after 'or'
Cologne finally awoke to see a circle of faces watching her
intently. She struggled for just a second, and then realized what
had happened. "I have been. defeated. Intolerable as it is, I
will hold to word of honor. I will leave Japan, never to set foot
missing word? 'hold to my word of honor.'
"How dare you! Our laws have kept us strong for thousands of
years! We are one of the."
".most backwards, behind the times little tribes that hasn't even
The ending period and the period in front of 'most' in these two
paragraphs was obviously meant to be ellipses.
"We are one of the . . . "
" . . . most backwards, behind the times "
"SHUSH! What are you trying to do. ???" Ranma stared in surprise
You don't need a period, a space, and three question marks.
"SHUSH! What are you trying to do?" works just fine.
The rest of the meal passed without notice. Ranma and Akane were
to busy sneaking glances at each other.
'too'
Akane was blushing furiously. How did this always happen to her?
Her hands were wrapped around Ranma quite tightly, and she
couldn't even free them. Her right arm started to let her know
that it was hurting. "Nabiki! Get out of mmmy room." Akane was
interrupted by an odd sensation.
'mmmy'? Is this a stutter? If so, suggest: 'm-m-my'
As I said, I liked this story. The writing seemed fairly clean and
straightforward. I particularly liked the way you divided the story
into segments, several of which almost stand alone as vignettes.
None of the segments dragged, each built upon the earlier ones in one
fashion or another. All in all, refreshing and a pleasure to read.
You did leave several threads hanging. Shampoo and Mousse. Nabiki
and Kuno. Ukyo. What problems did she go home to solve and how, if
at all, did she solve them?
Presumably you'll continue to weave those in your next story.
Speaking of Ukyo, that may be the weakest part of the whole story.
You send her home with no real explanation of why she is going or
what she hopes to achieve. And when she returns I didn't get any
indication as to her frame of mind. Happy, sad, angry, determined,
what? Just the same-old same-old cute fiancee. I also didn't get any
sense of foreshadowing for event that would take place in your next
story. I couldn't see that even having Ukyo in the story at all
(except maybe at the end) made any difference to the story.
And finally, I'm not quite sure what kind of blackmail evidence she
was actually looking to get. Or how she expected to use it.
Richard Person
Seattle
<Where the Sunshine, dry or wet, never ends>