Ammadeau wrote:
Well, I said if you'd write this that I'd send you comments, and I
always try to keep my word. All comments that follow are of course
my opinion only.
Will note that in the future for other fics then and take advantage :P
"You want me to what?" Ranma asked, staring disbelievingly at his three
suitors.
Kodachi, Kuno, and the Tea Ceremony Guy? :)
Seriously, one sentence worth of setting would add nicely to this.
Eww, setting... almost as blasphemous as the word plot. Will try to add
a line or something though.
restaurant. My grades slipped a bit because of that time I was sick,
because I was ill,
Like writing as if the person is actually talking. Who actually says
that in real life? :P
wouldn't be so bad if she didn't scare my student customers away. On
How does she scare them away? That'd be an interesting detail.
She is the disciplinarian in Furinkan. Should make that clearer I
guess.
Ranma shuddered at the damage to the surrounding people, namely him, if
'damage to the surrounding people' sounds very odd to me. Not entirely
sure what you mean.
Will reword that.
Shampoo started hunting Hinako while he was at school. Definitely not
She wouldn't stand a chance. Tried it and failed in the manga, even
when Kodachi and Ukyo were helping her.
She'd just shoot her from afar with the bow and arrow which IIRC, she's
used. But point is moot as she won't in this story :P
Nekohanten and Akane'll do my homework for a month?"
*Win-win situation. Get rid of Hinako and have Ranma to myself for a
month,* the three girls thought together, coincidently.
The downside though, at least for Ranma, is he has to grab at her
breasts again, and strengthen his reputation as a total perv.
Could he really make his reputation worse? :P
She hated it when her alter ego fell for such stupid tricks. She looked
So she's really two people in one body, rather than getting an uncontrolable
emotional adjustment?
No, one person, just that she her mindset as an adult isn't destracted
by shiny things :P
"Wha...?" Hinako found herself tackled to the ground by one of her own
images apparently. She gasped as she felt the excess chi she had gotten
>from the carnival goers drain from her body. "You can remove your hands
But why did she drain them? She normally has a reason for it.
Not really. She drained the bystanders in her fight against Ranma in
the manga.
>from my body now, Ranma. Clever plan, dressing up as me."
She's unusually calm about this.
I'm writing her adult form as more mature to make the difference between
ages more apparent.
"Mister? Is this yours?" a vendor asked when Ranma left the room of
mirrors. The vender held up a giggling young Hinako by the scruff of
her collar. "That'll be two hundred yen for the cotton candy."
Presents her like a baby, but she isn't quite that young. Besides,
if he held her like that, she'd fall right out of her dress.
She's apparently old enough looking that she could be passed off as a
highschool student, but the way she acts makes her seem much younger.
Will alter it a bit.
This wasn't working out. She had to do something. It seemed her alter
ego would never learn, always stuck with the mindset of when she was
that age. Why couldn't she have been one of those nice and proper
little girls back then?
I don't see this big a difference between the two personalities,
esp considering how she tries to bag Soun.
The two personalities are generally the same, but her adult half would
not sleep in class, be tempted by treats, become distracted at the
slightest thing, etc. The difference is really just a lack of maturity.
Day Eight...
"Oh! Ah... harder... please! Oh, for the love of god, harder," Hinako
moaned.
'for the love of god' is a very odd thing to say in this sitation.
Probably wrong context for asians. ^_^ Will alter.
*Ear plugs. Need ear plugs,* Ranma thought weakly as he held on and
tried to count the seconds till he could feel the ki leave her body. He
was damned glad that only the two of them were in the classroom at this
late hour.
Not noticing Nabiki armed with her trusty camera. :)
How do you know that? Told in perspective of Hinako and Ranma :P
While Ranma could not hear anything, he didn't really need to. He had
tried closing his eyes so that he couldn't see Hinako's suggestive
looks. However, neither helped the sensations his body felt from
Hinako's writhing body. He had heard that thinking of baseball stats
helped in this sort of situation. Pity he didn't know any.
Try cold water, should be even more effective for Ranma.
Even as a girl, he's usually affected by the girls.
Hinako stopped squirming around and sighed. Her tactic was simply not
working. Even when she had taken to wearing kids' clothes that fit her
alter ego just right, but threatened to rip on her adult frame, Ranma's
grip didn't budge an inch. A part of her had to give grudging respect
to him for his ability to ignore her. But respect or not, she was not
going to lose a part of herself she had become accustomed to over the
years. However, there were only fifteen more days and she had no idea
how she would stop him. Her dread was that there was no way to stop
this.
I can think of at least a dozen other things she could try.
Hey, can't have that! Luckily I have the power of the Author on my
side. :P
Besides, Ranma is used to Shampoo latching on to him naked all the time,
he's built up a certain endurance.
Yep.
"Look, at least put up a fight," Ranma said, trying hard not to outright
beg her. It was starting to annoy him how she stood there like a limp
doll. He felt as if he were picking on a defenseless woman instead of
someone that could blow up the whole city.
No, that would be Saffron. She's not quite that powerful.
Her power is only limited by the number of people to feed her battle
aura. In a city like Japan, it'd be nearly limitless.
"Maybe, but I think of it as a blessing. I get to see sides of people I
would never have seen in my adult form. I would never have known what a
wonderful man Akane's father was, for example. Oh, don't look at me
like that. He _is_ nice, but I know that I have no chance of competing
against his dead wife and it would be improper to push it. My alter ego
doesn't suffer from such inhibitions though. When young, I only
remember him being nice to me and I can see him whenever I want."
Her adult form doesn't have an inhibitions either though.
Well, I got that from how she tries to seduce Soun, but she does give up
when she learns of Mrs. Tendo, so she has _some_ inhibitions. The young
part of her still hangs around though even if she knows about it.
She rolled her eyes when Ranma still had that semi-disgusted look on his
face. "It's not just him. Other adults and my students only see me as
someone to leer at, to be jealous of, or to be feared. When young, I'm
treated nicely by nearly everyone I meet, no matter how annoying as you
say I might be."
By everyone? Hard to believe.
But, she's sooo cute as a kid. ^_^
Ranma should be able to sympathize, perhaps even envy this considering
his own childhood.
Hmm... right.
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," Ranma said, for the third time this week
leaving in an unhappy state. The food and excuse to be with Akane was
starting to not be worth it.
Wait, she does his homework with him there? How do they ever get
anything done? :)
Should change it to 'help' do his homework, even if she probably does
that already ^_^.
* * * * *
Day Twenty Two...
"You're seriously going to recite the rules of English diction right
now?" Ranma asked, annoyed.
"You're grades are getting worse. This outside activity you have is not
doing anything to help. It's now taking a hour to apply the treatment.
An hour? His hand would get tired long before then.
Nah, he's not called Ranma for nothing. Seriously, though his endurance
in the manga is legendary.
I might as well tutor you while you're at it."
Ranma would never understand the woman. Just a couple of days ago,
Ranma would never understand women, period. Why is this case special?
Well these are his thoughts. He _thinks_ he understands other women
most of the time, just that he's wrong.
working. It wreaked havoc with his concentration, so much so that he
couldn't even bring up a basic kata in his mind. While she no longer
made suggestive body movements, he still could not get over the fact
that he was hugging a full bodied woman with one of his hands over her
find it a bit hard to believe that his fiancees could hold back on their
rampant jealousy in all this time. At least Kodachi, whose not in on
this deal, would have made some noise.
Well they aren't really here to see it and what they can't see can't
hurt them. Maybe adding a scene where they do think of it or something
will help.
Ranma could just imagine the angry looks of his suitors. They were
already annoyed by the fact that it took longer to cure Hinako each
He's holding on to Hinako's goods for an hour each day and they're
just annoyed?
Hmm... yeah, sounds like I really should add a scene to make it at least
semi-believable.
adverting his eyes when they roamed into her cleavage. The boy was
really too cute. Even after all this time of holding her, he still
hadn't gotten used to it. She wondered if that said something about her
appeal or his own ineptness.
Or the fact that he changes into a girl and is thus used to seeing
ceavage at this point.
He doesn't suffer from his cleavage... I'd be worried if he did :P But
he still responds to other naked women just not with the typical
nosebleeds.
"I didn't mean literally. No boy in the school would take me seriously
if not for my skills. Many of them are starting to lose their fear of
me. It doesn't take much battle aura to turn adult now. I'm stuff full
before I even suck two students of their aura. Even blasting my excess
ki out with Happo Tsurisen Gaeshi doesn't help. Thanks to your
treatment, I stay as an adult for hours now even without the battle
aura."
But she only really needs it for Ranma, Kuno, and the occasional visitor.
The other students are intimidated by her voice alone.
A lot of them were drained by her and she does have an ungodly figure.
I don't think it's unreasonable that they'd get rowdier the less
effective a disciplinarian she becomes.
"I sucked some battle aura from some rowdy delinquents last night while
I was walking home. I couldn't go to sleep till midnight. I waited and
waited, but I couldn't turn young again. I knew that this would happen
eventually and I've been preparing myself for it, but...," Hinako
whimpered, her voice muffled by Ranma's silk shirt.
She can't fall asleep if she's an adult? Seems odd to me. She's
much more energetic as a child.
No, I meant that she was waiting for herself to turn young again. And
thought the ability was already gone. Need to be clearer I think.
She turned around and cuddled against his body carefully, so that she
didn't wake him, so that he would stay a little longer with her. For
Surprising no one has shown up to disturb them after all this time.
Hopefully with some added scenes some of the unbelievability factor will
be diminished.
some reason she had this idea that he would be leaving her soon. She
never had anyone take spend so much time with her before, besides her
parents, so she didn't like that thought. For nearly a month, Ranma met
her after school and was always trying to cure her; so sweet of him!
And her child form doesn't hate him since he's essentially killing her?
She doesn't know there's a difference between her adult half and her
since they are the same person. She just think she's losing her ability
to shoot people not dying.
At first she was angry with him for trying to take her super cool attack
away so that she couldn't take care of delinquents anymore, but nobody
that bought her so much candy and was always nice to her could be bad
she figured. She guessed it might be because she always tried using it
on him when he was being bad. Such a naughty boy he was. Well if he
didn't like her shooting at him, she didn't feel too bad about being
cured. And it meant that he would play that hugging game with her that
made her feel nice.
More like a groping game. :)
Well... :P
thought of the look on Ranma's girlfriends' faces. "Nyah, nyah," she
taunted softly. She supposed she should go and explain it to them that
there was nothing happening between her and Ranma, absolutely nothing.
How can her child-mind think in this way?
She understands about fiancees and things and knows about Ranma being a
womanizer in the manga though.
can swim with a lifesaver by herself and has a one in three chance of
success with that curry dish. She shouldn't be around to bother us
anymore anyway. We just saw that you had only a few days left and let
you keep doing it so it wouldn't be a waste of time."
So they let him continue grope him for his own benefit?
Mainly to get back at Hinako since she beat both Ukyo and Shampoo a few
times. Akane probably views it as 'curing'.
*Actually, the three of us had each tried harder to please Hinako in
case just such an occasion had happened. Or at least I did,* Akane
thought blushing at how far she went for him.
Woah! Hinako and Akane?? O_o
DC @baps Ammadeau
>"Uh, well about that... I decided you're better like this. Until
you're
ready to let go of, well, when you find the right person for you, maybe
he'll, well, you'll understand when you're older," Ranma said, knowing
Sounds odd from a guy who acts as if he hasn't hit puberty yet.
's why he didn't explain further mainly. Because he isn't exactly
there.
"When I'm ready to let go of my youth and my power, I'll see you again.
I'll remember your words," she promised and left him there to think of
what she meant. She de-aged when she reached outside school grounds and
found herself merrily skipping back home. *Not now, but maybe later,
Ranma,* Hinako thought happily. She was still too young at heart.
Besides the fact that Ranma wouldn't be at all ready for her, yet.
They both need some growing up to do.
Exactly.
A sweet little story that ended on just the right note for me, though
I'd also like to see it continued. I think its unique enough and
has enough story potential for a few more chapters.
You haven't lost your touch Donny.
Ammadeau
Thanks and none of the stories I write ever really have a definitive
ending, so there might be somthing in the far future. Thanks for the
line by line C&C. Hurry up with WYBMF? 5 yourself :P