Kyle Emmerson <kyle_emmerson@geocities.com> wrote:
"Hey, Akane!" Yuka called. "You wanna head to the ice
cream shoppe? We haven't seen you for WEEKS! We couldn't even
get a CHANCE to talk to you yesterday at the wedding."
"Yuka, why are you SHOUTING? I can hear you FINE!"
Akane smiled. "I've kinda been occupied."
Sayuri nodded. "Yeah, I hear you've been in China!"
"Not of my own free will, but yes."
Don't Y&S have any reaction to this?
"Hey, Akane," Ranma said, walking up from behind her.
"Hi, Ranma," Yuka greeted. "We're going to the ice cream
shoppe! Wanna come along?"
Ranma smiled. "Thanks, Yuka," he said. "But I've got
something to do at home. I'll catch ya later!" he said,
running off.
You don't need so many "he said"s.
"Boy," Sayuri said. "He was in a hurry."
Akane watched Ranma as he ran off. "Yeah," she said,
somewhat distracted. Since they had returned from China,
Akane found that Ranma had been... different. More friendly.
You could make this point better by showing Ranma acting this way in the
first scene (as it is, all he does is say hello and leave, making me
wonder why he's there or why we're seeing it.)
"I have put some thought into this. I had assumed that
the wedding would have been completed yesterday, but it
wedding would be completed
appears it has not. Still, I am prepared to make this offer."
Soun was curious now. "What do you mean?"
"As you know, my home has four bedrooms. It is built on
the only thing of true value that the Saotome family holds to
its name, other than what I keep with me at all times.
GENMA: And the katana! Don't forget that!
NODOKA: Oh yes, that too.
"The Kuonji girl, the Kuno girl and the Chinese girl.
While the Kuonji girl does seem to have a valid claim, and
the Chinese girl is motivated by her own laws, the Kuno girl
has no claim whatsoever." She placed her hand on the table.
"I intend for Ranma to find happiness. I believe the only way
for him to achieve this, is to arrange for the disturbances
to leave he and Akane alone."
Easier said than done....
Soun nodded.
"The Kuonji girls family will be paid money for the lost
dowry. The honour of young Ukyou, however, is another matter.
I will speak with the Great-Grandmother of the Chinese girl,
and arrange for a meeting with the father of the Kuno girl.
All of the disturbances will be taken care of, even if it
takes all the holdings of the Saotome family."
This, for me, was the weak point of the chapter. "Nodoka solves Ranma's
problems and whips everybody into shape" is an overused and rather
cliched idea. There are good dramatic reasons why no one in the manga
helped Ranma and Akane in any really useful way; mainly because it's
more satisfying to see them make progress on their own. Are you sure you
want to discard that convention, especially considering that it's been
done so many times before?
"Yeah, the leader's name is Oryuu," Sayuri said,
pointing. "The tough one with the cigarette is Akiko, the
pudgy one is Taini, then there's Megami, Noruki, Sanko, Kimi
and Hanako."
Why would she know all these names?
It wasn't long before the three of them were noticed by
the gang. The one called Taini was the first to speak.
"Hey," she said. "What's the password?"
"Outta my way or I'll beat the crap out of you!"
"Sorry, that was *last* week's password."
Akane looked blankly at the pudgy girl. "I don't know.
You must have ate it," she replied, rather smugly.
have eaten it,"
Unless you can show why Tai deserves this (e.g. she bullies other people
over their appearance, or something) I'd go with a less gratuitous
insult. Maybe "I don't know, but I'd bet that it only has one syllable."
Taini narrowed her eyes. "Fine," she said. "You've just
been fined. Give us all your money and we'll think about
"A fine fine? That's fine with me."
Finally, the gang became truly annoyed. "Look who's
little miss toughie," Akiko laughed, her cigarette bobbing up
Is she laughing the line of dialog, or just laughing?
"You guys take care of her," Oryuu said. "I'll be waiting
inside." And then disappeared into the Ice Cream Shoppe.
Need a subject for this last sentence.
Akiko was the next to attack, trying to sweep her feet
out from under her, only to discover that her feet were now
closer to her face than they were her legs.
I'm not sure how to picture this.
And all the while, Akane defended herself without
problems. Until the turning point.
TOFU: You see, I just jab Akane in the right spot, and....
GANG: Cool! She's facing the other way! Now's our chance!
Seriously, that last bit strikes me as rather melodramatic.
Taini shook her head. "They're having a much luck as us.
a -> as
And there it was, a glock pistol was pointed towards the
You don't need the second "was."
And now was just such a time. It was the perfect time,
too. Kasumi was out shopping, Soun and his own father were
with his mother, doing God knew what
*ahem*
at some diner somewhere.
Oh.
The peace and tranquillity was just what he needed to
train.
Suddenly, his peace and tranquillity was interrupted by
yells from outside.
Try not to repeat phrases like this.
"Akane... *wheeze* the ice cream shoppe... *wheeze* Red
Hyena's... *wheeze*" she said.
Hyenas...
"What? What's the matter?"
"Ranma!" Yuka called, running through the gates. "Akane's
in trouble!"
It suddenly made sense. Akane, ice cream shoppe, and
trouble. The only three things he needed to hear to get him
in action.
He took to the rooftops in mere seconds. Seconds later,
and he would be at the ice cream shoppe.
Fifteen minutes later....
"Ranma, not THIS ice cream shop! The one on the other side of town!"
"Oh. Oh yeah. Sorry"
A someone wearing a Furinkan uniform. A Furinkan GIRLS
Take out first "A"
GIRLS'
It was Akane, all right. Unfortunately, the only thing
she was capable of doing was looking at him, and then
slumping over, into unconsciousness.
"Dammit," he said. She was hurt. Badly. There were cuts
and bruises all over her face. He had to get her back to the
Dojo.
So did she get shot? Doesn't seem like it. Where's the blood? Why isn't
he calling an ambulance?
But now was different. He was the one undressing her
himself.
You don't need "himself;" it's redundant.
Ranma shook his head. He couldn't afford to be
distracted. He examined her ribs, locating several bruises.
The next act took a bit more courage. He had to feel
about her ribs for internal injuries.
And so he did, starting from the bottom, and moving his
way up towards her breasts. He paused just under her breasts.
Damn. He swore to himself. He wasn't sure if it was
broken, but he was sure it needed bandaging.
Couldn't he at least call a doctor or something?
All in all, this ending bit worked better for me than the earlier part.
I'd rather see R&A forced by circumstances into trusting each other
more, rather than Nodoka coming in and fixing things for them.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html