Gary Kleppe wrote:
"Peter Vela" <bluezboy@hotmail.com> wrote:
Kuno sat in class, waiting for the lesson to start. It was early in the
morning and it did not go unnoticed by several of his wide-eyed classmates
as they entered the room, that Kuno was actually conscious and apparently
deep in thought so early in the day.
This is supposed to be from Kuno's private diary? Doesn't sound to me
like the kind of thing he would write to himself. Kuno thinks that
everyone else is impressed by him and would never think ill of him.
Looks to me like a standard third person omniscient viewpoint. Hell, I'd write
Kuno like that, too. This isn't his mind we're in, it's a narration.
Most of the moderators voiced their approval, but he had kept silent.
Indeed, Nabiki+IBk-s aim was to provoke and to annoy+ICY- but did she really deserve
to get permanently banned from the AFML? Kuno was not going to admit it in
front of the others, but he did find Nabiki+IBk-s little story very amusing.
He must be the only one, then. From the way it was described in the past
chapters, Nabsy's story sounded like a piece of garbage. I certainly
can't see why Kuno would find it amusing; his idea of a great work is
one that shows Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl declaring their
undying love for him.
Well, nobody really knows how Kuno would think about something like that.
His taste is notoriously poor. Besides, this is Nabiki Tendo we're talking about.
Kuno could just be patronizing, certain in his own superiority.
Things were getting out of hand in the meeting when the owner of the mailing
list came forward and put a stop to the bickering.
Wait a minute... everyone (except Kuno) wanted to permban Nabby, and
Kuno was quiet, right? So why was there bickering? Doesn't make sense.
Hmm... it's a stretch, but they could be arguing over several different types of torture :)
Kuno winced inwardly. The one who had spoken was the moderator known only as
Tripitaka. Over the years of moderating Tripitaka came to be known as the
AFML's most feared and dreaded moderator. She ruled with an iron fist as the
AFML+IBk-s chief enforcer, performing her duties with an alarming sadistic zeal
that Kuno found frightening. He suspected that even the AFML owner had
trouble reining in this agent of retribution.
Doesn't make any sense either. The worst mailing list moderators can do
to someone is kick them off the list -- and you confirm this above. If
the moderators were sadists, there'd be no reason for anyone to remain
on the list. People would leave to start their own mailing list (easy
enough to do) or just pursue other activities. Sorry, but this isn't the
least bit believable.
BTW, please post your work in ASCII. Unicode characters don't parse
correctly on some mailers.
You seem to be confusing this with real life. This is Ranma 1/2, after all, and holds
only the smallest connection with real life. Ranma 1/2 is replete with bizarre characters
and crazy martial-arts styles. Is a mailing list dictator so hard to believe? Hell, the
moderators themselves put up that PFML joke at Christmastime.
Kuno was surprised that he found himself cringing. Even though the meeting
was set to +IBg-voice only+IBk-, he had felt the malevolent gaze of Tripitaka bore
through his head, through all the moderators+IBk- heads.
+IBw-The Tendo girl must be punished!+IB0-
Yawn. One-dimensional characterization.
The owner, amazed that someone had the gall to talk back to his orders,
regained some of his courage and confronted the much-feared individual.
He was afraid of her, but surprised that she dared to talk back to him?
Doesn't make sense.
+IBw-It is too late. I have written back to her. My comments and criticism will
break her spirit! Ayee-yah, her writing is shameful! Comparable to the dung
of my village+IBk-s mongrel dog! She will be humiliated! Such a childish effort
and a waste of time should never even be considered in the AFML, heya?+IB0-
That's what you call malevolent? Pfeh. If you want to show that Trippy
is malevolent, she's gonna have to do a lot worse than just expressing
an opinion on a story -- especially when, from your description of
Nabiki's story, it *was* a piece of dung.
The owner was shocked and horrified at Tripitaka+IBk-s open hostility.
She was a much-feared individual, but he's surprised to see her openly
hostile? Doesn't make sense.
Nabiki fumed. They had banned her for one week! And on top of that an
over-zealous puritan moderator that went by the name of Tripitaka had
verbally bashed her and her beautifully written piece of literature!
If your goal here is to make the readers sympathetic toward Nabby,
well... you're failing badly. She comes across as whiny and
self-centered, feeling sorry for herself just because someone (justly,
from all indications) criticized something she'd written.
Nabiki is also extremely OOC. Go back and read the manga.
+IBw-Uh+ICY- well, that is true. But she didn+IBk-t have to sound like my old english
teacher! +IBggJg-settle on a narrative voice+ICY- omniscentient perspective+ICYgGQ- I didn+IBk-t
even know what she was talking about!
Whose fault is that, Nabby?
This is japan. I don+IBk-t even talk
English outside of the classroom!+IB0-
Are AFML fics normally written in English, or Japanese? If the former,
it seems perfectly legitimate to expect authors on the list to have a
basic command of the language. Besides, perspective isn't really
something that's specific to a given language.
Again, Nabby comes across as a spoiled brat here. Trippy pointed out
something in her writing that needed to be improved, and from the way
you've described her story her criticism was perfectly valild. Nabs,
IMO, should have thanked Trippy and gone down to the library to read up
what perspective was all about.
Nabiki found herself smiling from ear to ear. Before Tripitaka+IBk-s outburst,
she had been wondering how to let everyone know that it was Musashi+IBk-s actual
reply in her story.
+IBw-But it looks like Tripitaka spilled the beans+ICY- hehehe.+IB0-
And we should care about this why? We might laugh along with Nabzy here
if you'd managed to make her a sympathetic character, but so far she's
anything but.
Still squinting, he glanced around recognising from the ancient artefacts
and potions lying around that he was in Khu Lon+IBk-s room. His myopic eyes
That's Ke Lun. If you're going to use the Pinyinized names, please use
them correctly.
Pish tosh. I use Cologne, myself, but I've seen a lot of people use Khu Lon. Don't
quibble.
His myopic eyes though, did not expect to see a laptop on Khu Lon+IBk-s desk
complete with a modem hooked up to the phone line.
+IBw-Eh? What the hell is this?+IB0- His curiosity was deeply aroused from
Having described it correctly as a laptop computer, he obviously knows
what it is.
It's an expression of suprise, so it's permissable.
Indeed, the screen displayed an email account with at least two hundred
entries made in the last couple of days.
All of which were sent to matriarch+IBk-s address, tripitaka@afml.com.
Sorry, but Cologne in this role is totally unbelievable. She's not the
kind to get angry the way Trippy did, and if she ever did get mad at
someone like that she'd have ways of getting back at them that would be
far more effective than making just criticism of a story.
Agreed. I really don't see Cologne even getting ON to a mailing list. Why
should she care about fanfiction? She's got enough on her plate trying to
run a restaurant, keeping Shampoo and Mousse in line, and nabbing
son-in-law.
I have a better time seeing Mousse in this role, as a sort of outlet for his
inadequacies.
All in all, this made very little sense, particularly as regards the use
of the characters. Nabiki comes across as an annoying crybaby, someone
who acted like a pain in the ass and is outraged that people are
treating her like one. Cologne is outraged at Nabs way beyond a level
that the story would justify, yet she refuses to take any real action
against her. These may not have been your intent, but if it wasn't, you
might want to ask yourself why they're coming across that way, at least
to one reader.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/+AH4-kleppe/comics.html