Kyle Emmerson <kyle_emmerson@geocities.com> wrote:
Ranma nodded. "Yeah, thanks a lot 'doc. I did as much as I
lot, Doc. (Or if you really want to put in the apostrophe, it goes where
the missing letters are: lot, Doc'. But I'd suggest just leaving it
out.)
could to fix up her wounds. She's awake now, but she'd
she's
Dr. Kadowaki had to smile. "Here," she said. "There isn't
much more I can prescribe other than this." She reached into her
bag and pulled out a small vial of pills. "These are Tylenol
Three's. Take two pills, twice a day, and you should have no
Threes.
"I'll send Ranma in to help you up. It's best that you put
your blouse back on for now, allright?"
all right?" (two words)
"Allright," she said. "I'll do it."
"All right," (2 words)
"Akane!" Sayuri exclaimed, running up to her friend as fast
as she could. "Are you allright?!"
all r... ah, you get the idea.
"Hey, look. I'm sorry me and Yuka ran away like that. We
were--"
'Yuka and I' would be grammatically correct, though this may just be
Sayuri's mistake.
"With Ranma's MOTHER," Sayuri continued, jabbing her elbow
into Akane's ribs. "I see..."
"OWWW!! THE WOUND!!! THAT HURTS!!"
"Bye Akane! Bye Ranma!" Yuka said, running off.
"Bye, Akane! Bye, Ranma!"
"What has this vile sorcerer done to you? To beat such a
flower within an inch of her life, and then depleting her memory
To beat such... and then deplete her
or
Beating such... and then depleting her
Ranma narrowed his eyes. Kuno was different somehow. Better,
though he couldn't explain how or why. Ranma could still take
him without much of a problem, but it was just taking a bit
longer than he had previously thought.
Tatewaki, however, knew how and when the change had taken
place. The day he found Jinnai Myoujin. The day he learned of
the Kamiya Kasshin school.
Arrg. This flashback is all wrong for this bit. It totally stops the
forward momentum of the story.
IMO, all the stuff with Kuno tranining at the new dojo needs to come
earlier. Preferably in real story time, but if as a flashback at least
put it before the actual fight starts. That way, it'll be building
toward the fight, carrying the story forward instead of grinding it to a
halt.
What he had not expected, however, was for Myoujin to break
his bokken in one swift move. Tatewaki was left defenseless as
Myoujin smacked him on the head with his Shinnai.
Hard enough to hurt, but lightly enough that it would not
cause damage.
Suggest combining these:
with his shinnai; hard enough to
Otherwise, the sentence fragment looks odd.
There's no reason to capitalize shinnai. It's not a proper name.
"Are you bloody STUPID?!" he called. "Running around here,
scaring people like that! You're DAMN lucky you never hurt
anyone!"
Tatewaki paused. What had he been doing?
Um... running around there scaring people?
It was an old Dojo, obviously over a hundred years old, but
well maintained. It didn't take long for Tatewaki to learn of
Jinnai Myoujin and Kaoru Himura. Each coming from families that
Each came from a family that
or
Each had come from a family that
had run the Dojo since it was established. Kaoru was merely 2
years older than Tatewaki, while Jinnai was 5 years older.
Numbers scan better when you write them out in words. two, five.
Tatewaki left that day a student of the Kamiya Kasshin Dojo.
TATEWAKI: You are a student of the aforementioned dojo, correct?
JINNAI: Yes.
TATEWAKI: Very well, this day I shall leave you.
Kaoru nodded. "If this technique is ever used with a real
sword, it would be an actual death blow. However, with a bokken,
the technique would be crippling, perhaps even fatal, under the
right circumstances."
Tatewaki sighed. Did he really want to learn a technique
like that?
I dunno, did he? It's not clear what his various feelings are pro and
con. I think we need more detail in his reaction.
Ranma, however, saw it coming. He saw it all coming, and
ducked under the attack, punching Kuno in the stomach, causing
him to stumble forwards. If not for the increase in speed, Kuno
might have been able to stop. As it was, it managed to knock
both he and Saotome through the chain link fence, and into the
both him and
However, she was moving so fast, that was the hard part.
Awkward sentence.
And then she pulled herself out, hopping over the fence and
landing the the ground on the other side.
landing on the
There. Further down the canal. A bridge. Ranma could hang
off of the bridge, get ahead of Kuno and pull him out.
Yes. He could pull it off. But he'd have to hurry.
You've used "she" for female Ranma every other time.
"Oh my!" Kasumi exclaimed, seeing the unconscious form of
Tatewaki Kuno carried in by Ranma's girl form. "Did you hurt
him, Ranma?"
The repetition of "form" is awkward.
"Ahh, the jerk tried to use some boneheaded technique. All
he did was almost kill himself," Ranma replied. "Seriously,
you'd think he lost twenty IQ points while we were in China."
Kasumi shook her head sadly. "That's not very nice, Ranma."
"It ain't?"
"Yes. You know very well he never HAD those IQ points."
And Tatewaki saw. Though at first glance it seemed a normal
sword, upon closer inspection, he realized the bladed edge was
on the wrong side of the sword. There was no way, unless the
person who wielded the sword did so in reverse, it could have
actually killed someone. Suddenly, it made sense to him.
it could actually kill someone.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html