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Ranma 1/2: Ranma's Horrible Secret - Part 4
By Jack Staik
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Tatewaki Kuno, majestic in his glory, witnessed the approach
of the vilest of the vile, the dark magus Ranma Saotome and
his helpless victim, Akane Tendo.
Holding his bokken at the ready, his majestic voice called
out his challenge.
"Foul sorcerer! Today, thou shalt learn the terrible cost of
defying justice! For the vengeance of Heaven is nigh! Come
forth and feel the righteous wrath of Tatewaki Kuno, the
Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School, and know defeat! For
thou shalt surely be forced free the wondrously lovely Akane
Tendo and the most beauteous Pig-Tailed Girl from thy foul
demonic clutches today!"
Ranma shook his head. "Man, Kuno, don't you ever get tired
of your own voice?"
"Ignore him, Ranma," Akane said firmly. "He's not your
problem."
"But he challenged me!" Ranma protested. "I have to answer!"
Akane wanted to tell Ranma not to fight because the dolt
might get in a lucky shot and hurt him, but she knew that
wouldn't work. She wanted to tell him that she would take
care of Kuno, but then they'd get in an argument like they
always did, and she didn't want to argue with him anymore.
A burst of inspiration hit her.
"Ranma?" Akane asked sweetly. "Don't you always win against
Kuno?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Does Kuno ever get any better?"
"Nope."
"And you're always getting better?"
"Yeah."
"So when you beat him, isn't that like you were picking on
someone who couldn't defend himself?"
Ranma looked confused for a second, then he nodded in
agreement. "You're right! I can't fight Kuno anymore! At
this point, it's like picking on a little kid!"
"WHAT?!?" Kuno bellowed.
"Akane's right, Kuno," Ranma said. "Since you're too weak,
slow, and clumsy to fight me properly, fighting you now is
just bullying. So I can't do it."
"How DARE you insult the fighting prowess of the Blue
Thunder! HAVE AT THEE!!"
Several seconds later, Kuno was unconscious, having been
severely thrashed with his own bokken by Akane Tendo.
"Hey!" Ranma exclaimed. "How come you can beat on him but I
can't?!?"
"Simple," Akane said. "Your honor won't let you fight
everyone who challenges you - you can't fight girls, you
can't fight people who are weaker - so I'll fight the ones
you can't."
"But -"
"Hush. I'm just fighting the ones that your honor won't let
you fight. You can have all the rest."
Ranma smiled. "Gee, thanks, Akane. You're a real pal!"
Akane smiled back, all the while trying to figure out how to
keep him from fighting anyone really dangerous ...
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo was pondering the morning's events - and delivering
an order of ramen - when she saw Ryoga Hibiki on the edge of
a bridge, carrying a large rock. The rock was attached to
his neck by a length of rope.
This was sufficiently odd to attract her attention.
<Hmmm ... he must be having a bad day.>
In Shampoo's mind, an association occured:
1. Ryoga thinks everything bad in his life is Ranma's fault;
2. Ryoga is in love with Akane;
3. Something Strange happened betwen Ranma and Akane, making
her protective of him;
4. Ryoga thinks something horrible just happened;
5. Therefore, Ryoga might know what happened to make Akane
so protective of Ranma.
Spinning around the Bicycle of Death, she aimed strainght
for the Lost Boy.
<WHAM!>
"Hey!" Ryoga protested from under her tire. "Do you mind?!?
This is a private moment!"
"Suicide usually is, Pig-Boy. Why you try to do self in?"
Ryoga burst into tears. "IT'S TOO HORRIBLE FOR WORDS!!"
Shampoo hopped off her bike and landed feet first on Ryoga's
head, driving his face into the ground. "Perhaps it help to
talk to friendly face?" she said sweetly, smiling.
"Mrph," Ryoga replied.
* * * * * * * * * *
"NABIKI TENDO!"
Nabiki turned around, and saw the site of an irate Ukyo
Kuonji descending on her from across the schoolyard, battle-
spatula at the ready.
"Problem, Kuonji?"
"DIE, BITCH!"
Nabiki hadn't been a practicing martial artist since her
mother died when she was a child, but she kept up her katas
for their exercise value (her body was no accident - she
worked at it). Today, she was grateful for those exercises
as she dodged Ukyo's mad swings.
"Hey! What's with you, Ukyo?!?"
"I know all about your Evil Plot, Tendo!!"
"Could you be a bit more specific?" Nabiki asked. "'Evil
Plot' covers a lot of territory."
"Your Evil Plot to seduce poor Ranma and keep him for
yourself!"
Nabiki looked surprised ... then she burst out laughing.
"Stop rolling on the ground!" Ukyo demanded. "Get up and
face me!"
"BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!" Nabiki replied.
Ranma and Akane walked over. "What's happening, oneechan?"
"<gasp> <gasp> Ukyo thinks I'm trying to - BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-
HA-HA-HA!!!"
Ukyo looked at Akane. "She's trying to get Ranma-honey for
herself!"
"Huh?" Ranma said.
"C'mon! What makes you think that?" Akane asked.
Ukyo explained her reasoning; Nabiki trying to destroy all
the naughty pictures of Ranma so Ranma could feel grateful
and she could keep him all to herself.
"That's kind of a flimsy argument," Akane replied.
"Why else would she do it? She makes too much money off of
Ranma to just stop without an ulterior motive."
Nabiki, meanwhile, had brought herself under control, gotten
up, and brushed herself off. "Perhaps I learned that there
are more important things than money."
Almost everyone in earshot facefaulted. A few souls looked
around for the Four Horsemen. *Nabiki Tendo* saying that
there are more important things than money?!?
"OH MY GOD!" someone cried. "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!"
"Like what?" another someone asked.
Nabiki thought of all the rotten tricks she'd pulled on
Ranma, punishing him for 'crimes' that he not only hadn't
committed, but would never commit. About how she bullied
someone with a disability - she, who despised bullies.
"Self-respect," she said.
"Um - Ucchan?" Ranma asked. "Does that mean that *you* have
naughty pictures of me?"
"Eep!" Ukyo exclaimed as fear gripped her. *Nice* girls
don't keep such things! "No! Of course not! I'm a nice girl!
I - heard some other girls talking about it! Yeah! That
sounds likely!"
Ranma nodded in agreement. Akane didn't.
* * * * * * * * * *
"IS LOST BOY NUTS?!?" Shampoo yelled.
"It's true! It's true!" he wailed.
Shampoo kicked Ryoga in the head. "Listen, kimchee-for-
brains - *girl* have baby! Not *boy*!"
"But Ranma turns into a girl!"
"So what?!? Shampoo turn into cat - not have kittens!!"
"But I heard Akane talking to the doctor!" he protested.
"Ranma *not* having baby!" Shampoo protested.
"But I heard Akane talking to the doctor!" Ryoga repeated.
"He even gave Akane special vitamins for pregnant women to give to him!"
Shampoo was about to yell at the simpleton again, then
thought about it.
*Ranma* might not be having a baby ... but *Akane*?? That
would be a different matter. A doctor might give Akane pre-
natal advice. The Lost Boy probably misunderstood.
This could endanger the Plan. Great-grandmother must be
informed!
"Gotta go, Pig-Boy!" Shampoo said, hopping on her bike.
"Bai-bai!"
Ryoga watched Shampoo ride off, then sighed, picked up his
rock, and headed for the bridge again.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ukyo was getting in a more sour mood every second.
She couldn't help but notice the way Akane was treating
Ranma. She was *doting* on him! She was by his side
constantly!
And Ranma was sucking it up!
"Akane! I ate enough already!" he protested.
"You have to keep your strength up," she said sweetly.
Well, Ukyo knew how to handle *that*!
She ran up and glomped onto Ranma. "Hiya, Ranma-honey! How
about we go someplace and be alone?"
Ukyo suddenly found herself hoisted in the air by Akane.
"HANDS OFF, SLUT!!"
"Akane!" Ranma protested. "Don't hurt her! She's my friend!"
Akane looked about to retort, but thenher face softened.
"Alright, Ranma," she said, then glared at Ukyo. "But *you*
have to promise to *never again* grab Ranma like that!"
"Hey!" she protested. "I *am* his fiancee!"
"That doesn't give you the right to glomp him!" Akane
insisted.
"He *likes* it!" Ukyo responded.
"Um - Ucchan?" Ranma said. "I never did like being glomped."
"Huh?" Ukyo said.
"I don't like being glomped," Ranma repeated.
"Promise?!?" Akane snarled. "Or do I have to get nasty?"
Ukyo looked reluctant, but nodded. Akane put her down.
Ukyo hurried away from the pair, confused. What happened?
The status quo changed, and she wasn't sure how or why.
Ryoga, trying to find the bridge for his Appointment with
Doom, didn't notice Ukyo until she ran into him.
"Ukyo-san!" he said. "Do you know where the canal bridge
is?"
"About a kilometer in the opposite direction from the way
you're walking," she said absently.
"Thanks," he said, then kept walking in the same direction.
"Hold it!" she said, noticing the rock and rope. "What the
heck are you doing?"
"I'm going to End It All," he said. "Now that Ranma's
Expecting, I have no reason to live."
"Expecting what?" Ukyo asked.
"A BABY!!!" Ryoga wailed. "WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"
<WHAM!!> went Ukyo's Spatula.
"Boys don't have babies, jackass!"
"Even ones that turn into girls?"
That made Ukyo think.
"Where did you hear this?" Ukyo asked.
"I overheard Akane talking to the doctor."
"C'mon, you twit," she said, dragging Ryoga behind her.
"Let's get to the bottom of this. HEY! AKANE! RANCHAN!"
Akane and Ryoga, about to go in, turned.
"What's with the rock?" Akane wondered.
"Probably some new training," Ranma said.
Ryoga burst into tears. "I OVERHEARD THE DOCTOR! I KNOW
EVERYTHING! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Ukyo spatula-slammed his head.
Akane blushed. "Oh." <They know about his Hypoactive Sexual
Desire Disorder.>
Ranma looked confused. "You mean about my -"
Ryoga nodded. "I heard the doctor when Akane asked about how
to take care of you."
"Oh!" Akane said suddenly. "That reminds me! You forgot to
take your vitamins!"
Ukyo saw the label; 'Recommended For Pregnant Women'.
"YEEK!! IT'S TRUE!!" Ukyo exclaimed, her eyes bugging out.
"Keep it down!" Ranma said. "I don't want the whole world to
know! Everyone who finds out starts treatin' me funny!"
"That's perfectly natural, Ranma," Akane said soothingly.
"Akane! How could you do this to him?!?" Ukyo accused,
spatula raised for a decapitation strike.
"I didn't do it!" Akane said. "Genma did it!"
Ryoga and Ukyo facefaulted.
"B-b-but how - who - what -" Ryoga asked.
"I thought it was just more training," Ranma said. "I didn't
know anything was wrong until the damn thing penetrated."
"And I won't let him do anything like that ever again,"
Akane said, squeezing him tight. "My poor Ranma."
Ukyo and Ryoga were silent for a moment. Then they got up.
"Excuse me, Ranchan," Ukyo said in a cold voice. "I have to
go kill your father."
"I'm coming, too!" Ryoga said, untying the rock.
As Ryoga and Ukyo walked off, Ranma looked at Akane. "What
was that about?"
Akane shrugged.
"Poor Ranma," Ryoga said. "To have to suffer like that -"
"That damn panda has gone too far!" Ukyo snarled. "This is
beyond mere evil! He must be *DESTROYED*!!"
"Right!" Ryoga agreed. "To the dojo!"