First of all, really good work on constructing the setting.
Everything
from Urd's bedroom to Kami-sama's office seemed right, and it was
described in enough detail to really convey the experience of
being
there.
Thanks! I've been trying to pay more attention to my descriptive
prose.
On the story itself, I have to say that I liked the serious
character
bits somewhat more than the comedy. Akane and Nabiki's
conversation in
the beginning was particularly well-done and in character, as was
Ranma's visit to Kami-sama and his change of mind there. The
comedy
parts weren't bad, but IMO they tended to drag on longer than they
should. The interaction between Urd and Svava, for example; this
wasn't
a bad scene, but the exchanges between the two felt quite
repetitive.
Yes, you've largely echoed Vince's suggestions. :) I did go back
through those passages a couple of times, but I think I was just too
in love with the patter. Not the proper attitude to have, of course.
I'll go back through and see if it can't be tightened up some more.
I can probably lose a couple of minor gags without sacrificing
anything of import.
I did have a couple of problems with this. First, you are badly in
need
of a visit to the Fanfic Writers' Glossary of Useful English Words
And
Phrases (TM).
Hmmm. What's the URL? :)
Tnis story has one of the worst cases of gratuitous
Japanese that I've seen in a while. I understand that some
concepts or
cultural items don't translate well into English, and I don't have
a
problem with Japanese words for these. I'll even put up with
"oneesan"
and stuff like that if you think it's absolutely necessary. But
things
like "ano" and "gomen"... I mean, is there ANY reason you can't
use
"sorry?" It's a perfectly fine word, for kami... er, gods' sake.
:)
First, I think you are largely correct; many, many instances of
Japanese in AG4 could, should, and will be edited out. However, part
of why I use it goes to the fact that I *like* seeing it in fics. It
adds a dimension and immediacy to the setting that descriptive prose
simply can't reproduce, I don't think. Admittedly, its use is going
to confuse some readers and I should include a glossary, but I want
some of it to be there. For me, a significant part of the draw to
this genre of fanfiction is the Japanese culture and, by extension,
its language. Without it, an important part of the fun of writing
this stuff is lost for me.
Again, your point is well-taken, and I will be editing
accordingly... but not entirely. :)
If anyone reading this has input on how much Japanese I should leave
in, respond to me **PRIVATELY**. I'm interested in your opinion.
Secondly, Genma-bashing. I know it's a crowd-pleaser, but c'mon,
this
fic has too much class for characters to start slamming another
character for no apparent reason. Belldandy's comment about Genma
needing to be taken "in hand" struck me as particularly
gratuitous.
She's saying this based on what? The one extra engagement to Ukyo
(plus
others that Nabiki here is sure happened, yet there's no evidence
for in
canon)? I mean, this is BELLDANDY, for cryin' out loud; I don't
think
she ever took a dislike to *anyone* in AMG, let alone a dislike
based
only on hearsay. This, to me, is an indication that an author is
letting
his personal biases run away with a scene.
Heh, yes, you're right on the money. I tend to see Genma as a slime
(canon-Genma has few redeeming qualities, IIRC), and the scene has
suffered for it. Will fix. Thanks for the catch.
Perhaps I could invert Belldandy's reaction and have her assure
everyone that Genma must really be a good person on the inside -
just hiding it or something. Mass face-fault ensues. :) (You'll
need to thank Vince for that one. :)
All in all, an enjoyable fic, and I'll look forward to seeing it
continue.
Thanks for the comments, Gary. It's greatly appreciated. ^_^
- Dave
************************************
D.F. Roeder
Fanfiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html