Overexposed X-Mon!
This is just a silly idea that came to me last night when I was up WAY
to late. Strap in, kids. We’re going to get silly.
BTW, please pardon the self-insertion.
(The camera focuses on what looks like the set of one of those shows on
QVC. Suddenly, a man wearing an outfit exactly like Ash Ketchum’s pops
up from behind the counter)
Skyrocket: Hello everyone, and welcome to the X-Mon hour. Now I’m sure
some of you out there are asking "Sky, what is X-Mon?"
I’m glad you asked! You see, some weeks ago it occurred to me that comic
fans will buy anything, and I mean
ANYTHING, with mutants in it. Kids will buy, or will make their parents
buy, anything having to do with Pokémon. At least until the next fad
comes along.
So by combining the two I’ve created a marking juggernaut, no pun
intended, that’s sure to make me rich beyond the dreams of Scrooge
McDuck! (whispers to himself) I knew those Nabiki Tendo business
seminars would pay off.
(Skyrocket reaches under the counter a pulls out a large yellow duck
dressed in a green and yellow uniform)
Skyrocket: Behold, mindless consumers! This is Psyphoenix, the first in
my new line of X-mon.
Psyphoenix: Psy! Psy! Psyphoenix!
Skyrocket: Yes, I know what you’re thinking. "Hey, isn’t Psyduck just
about the most useless Pokémon ever?" Well, if you’re talking about
Psyduck, then yes. But this is Psyphoenix who is capable of much, much
more.
Psyphoenix: Psy?
Skyrocket: Look, Psyphoenix! A planet full of peaceful asparagus-like
aliens!
(Immediately Psyphoenix begins to glow. One flash of light later and the
Pokémon is now wearing a red and yellow outfit)
Skyrocket: Amazing! Psyphoenix has evolved into Dark Psyphoenix!
Dark Psyphoenix: Dark! Psy! Psy! Dark Psyphoenix!
(Flames surround Dark Psyphoenix’s body and the creature flies off
screen.)
Skyrocket: Don’t worry about him. He’ll be back after he almost destroys
all of reality a few times. Now let’s move on to our next X-Mon.
(Skyrocket pulls out a Pokemon with a bald head and two red circles on
its cheeks. It’s also wearing a business suit and sitting in a
wheelchair.)
Skyrocket: Now what would any group of mutants be without a leader to
encourage them to blindly follow his dream? To fill that roll I crossed
Professor Xavier with a Mr. Mime to create Mr. X! No relation to the
late X-Files character.
Mr. X: Mr. X! Mr. X! Mr. X!
Skyrocket: Yes, yes, we know your name already. Now sit over there
quietly and try not to turn into Onslaught.
(Skyrocket pushes Mr. X aside and pulls out a Pikachu wearing a yellow
raincoat and pink Raybans)
Skyrocket: Next we have this little critter who is sure to charms its
way into wallets--I mean, hearts across the world. I give you the
Pikajubes!
Pikajubes: Pika! Pika!
Skyrocket: Okay kid, show the yokels out there in Trailer Park Land what
you can do!
(Pikajubes gives a quick thumbs up. The Pokémon then begins to course
with energy which shoots off like fireworks. Skyrocket is forced to take
refuge behind the counter.)
Pikajubes: PIKAJUBES!!
Skyrocket: Enough! Enough!!
(The Pikajubes powers down with a very satisfied grin on its face.
Skyrocket, wearing rubber gloves, emerges from behind the counter and
warily pushes Pikajubes next to Mr. X.)
Skyrocket: Lastly, we have an X-Mon that’s not only sweet enough to give
you cavities, but can also disembowel you at the same time!
(Skyrocket pulls out a Jigglypuff wearing a yellow and blue uniform. The
Pokémon also has small fangs and a little cigar in its mouth.)
Skyrocket: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Wolverpuff!
Wolverpuff: Puff! Puff! Wolverpuff, bub!
(Just then Dark Psyphoenix flies back in and lands on the counter next
to the rest of the X-Mon.)
Skyrocket: Ah, you’re back. Did you have a good time wiping out a few
civilizations?
Dark Psyphoenix: Dark! Psy! Dark! Dark Psyphoenix!
Skyrocket (not really caring): I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’
Anyway, there you have it, everyone. Aren’t these little guys amazing?
Our phonelines are now open and one or all of these X-Mon can be yours
for only—
Female voice: Hold it right there!
(The camera pans to show us two teenagers, a boy and a girl, and cat
Pokemon. The guy has lavender hair and the girl—Ah, heck. If you know
anything about Pokémon I’m sure you can guess who this is.)
Jesse: To protect the world from devastation.
James: To unite all peoples within our nation.
Jesse To denounce the evils of truth and love.
James: To extend our reach to the stars above.
Jesse: Jesse!
James: James!
Jesse: Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: Meowth, that’s right!
Skyrocket: What the?! Get off this set! You’re ruining my chance to be
rich!
Meowth: Those X-Mon are going to make someone rich, but it won’t be you.
James (puzzled): Uh, then who will they be making rich?
(Meowth jumps up and claws James in the face.)
Meowth: Us, you dummy! Next time try and stay awake when we’re planning
a mission.
Jesse (banishing her Pokéball): Enough talk! Hand over those X-Mon or
we’ll sic Arbok and Weezing on you!
Skyrocket: Oh, yeah? To me, my X-Mon! Show these guys how we handle
Pokémon thieves around here!
(Wolverpuff and Pikajubes charge Team Rocket while Dark Psyphoenix
levitates Mr. X and then follows. Off camera we can hear the sounds of
the fight.)
Pikajubes: Jubes! Pika! Pikajubes!
Mr. X: Mr. X! Mr. X!
Jesse: Stop that! You’re ruining my make-up!
Dark Psyphoenix: Dark! Phoenix! Dark! Psy! Dark Psyphoenix!
Meowth: Argh! My tail!
Wolverpuff: Puff! Puff! Wolverpuff, bub!
James: Not the face! Not the face!
Wolverpuff: Wolverpuff, bub!
James: Hey, where did those claws come fr—OW! Not the crotch! Not the
crotch!
Jesse: Let go off my hair!
Meowth: How can you do this to a fellow Pokemon!?
Skyrocket (looking off camera and muttering): That’ll teach ‘em not to
mess with my marketing gimmick. (Sky turns back to the audience) Well
everyone, that’s all the time we have for today. Join us here at this
time next week where we’ll have more great X-Mon merchandise for you to
throw your money away on. Until then, this is Skyrocket wishing you
goodnight and safe driving.
The End, bub.