Hi,
Sorry I'm so late. Sukeban Senshi Chp. 7
and Real Life have slowed me down.
My comments ##
Date:
Fri, 03 Mar 2000 12:48:02 -0800 (PST)
From:
Troy Thomas <Silentnova@go.com> | Block
address
Subject:
[FFML][Ranma][Tenchi Muyo][Fusion]
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
CC:
damien_searight@msn.com, ayonge@yahoo.com
Add Addresses
Hello, it's been a very long time!
<SNIP>
##Put the title in the Subject line.
Eternal Blue
By Troy J. Thomas
The characters in this story, with exceptions, are
creations of others.
Ranma
1/2 and its characters are the property and creations
of Rumiko
Takahashi.
Tenchi Muyo and its characters are the property of
Pioneer and are the
creations
of a genius whose name I don't know.
##It's going to take some work but you can find the
name(s).
IMO it's disrespectful to use "whose name I don't
know."
Put in the effort to give credit to the original
author(s) and artist(s). The following links should
get you started.
http://www.animanga.com/Sasami-chan/tmmanga.html
http://www.animanga.com/Sasami-chan/tmnovel.html
No attempt has ever been and no
attempt
will ever be made to gain external profits from these
properties and
characters.
Any growth by the author will be limited to improved
writing skill and
expanded
ego, so please don't sue.
Some notes:
-This story is a fusion between Ranma 1/2 and Tenchi
Muyo
-I've taken what I liked from each series and used
them as fertiliser
for this
one so that it can grow big and strong on its own
-The story is set in a new universe different from the
ones that have
come
before (It won't be as great as those stories, but
I'll definitely have
fun)
-Also, it begins at the beginning and it isn't set on
Earth
## Watch your formatting. I've had problems myself
so I can sympathize. I suggest you write at about 65
characters/line. Send a copy to yourself before
sending to
FFML. This lets you check the formatting.
IMO put author notes at the END. The story should be
able to speak for itself. In this case . . .at the
very least
shorten it a lot. ^_^ (you want to get the reader
to the story QUICKLY)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue
It was early morning in the city Atlantis. An old man
stood in his room
watching
the sunrise over the lake. Katsuhito's home, also home
to his
daughter's family
and his son-in-law's family, had a grand view of the
sparkling lake. It
was a
gift he never took for granted.
This morning seemed no different than any other that
had ever come
before in his
long life. Yet the feeling fluttering in his stomach
was one that he
couldn't
simply ignore. It was the feeling of change.
##Ummm, this is a rather slow beginning. The sentences
are choppy.
I'd re-write this and simplify. Perhaps combining
with the
next paragraph.
His entire life had been shaped by change. He tried to
never let it get
him
down, but sometimes it seemed everything he worked
towards in his life
was for
nothing. He tried his best, yet it all would end up
bringing his family
to the
brink of a crisis that could tear apart everything
dear to him.
Katsuhito had changed over his long life, he was sure
of that much.
Dreams in
his youth were turned away for necessities in his
prime.
## Still rather slow. Also confusing. I _think_
Katsuhito
is the "old man" but it's hard to tell.
<SNIP>long descriptive narrative
Placing his hands on the window railing, Katsuhito
launched himself out
of the
window. When he landed on the ground, he hit it
laughing. "I'd like to
see
another man my age try that!" He did a few quick
flexes to prove he was
the king
of the world and began walking to the shrine he cared
for.
##Hmmm, it may be that I'm just not familiar
enough with Tenchi. However IMO the first
four pages could easily be condensed into two or
even one page. IMO MUCH too slow starting
off. And a little confusing. Of course the confusion
may be cleared up later on.
Two young men were there already sweeping the dust
from the path. "Good
morning
Ranma and Tenchi!" Receiving a reply of good morning
from both his
apprentices,
Katsuhito turned to the wooden fence they had broken
the day before. He
asked,
"I trust you two will have that repaired by the end of
the day?"
"We promise. We'll fix it right after school grandpa."
replied Tenchi.
"We just
need the keys to get into the tool shed." Both of the
apprentices
stopped
sweeping to watch their grandfather.
##IMO you need to change one or both uses of
"apprentices". Several possibilities:: Acolytes,
gransons,
boys. IMO apprentice isn't quite the right word
it they are supposed to be in training as priests.
(I'm assuming,
from what I know of Tenchi this is the shrine)
Katsuhito smiled inwardly. His two grandsons were up
to something he
wasn't yet
completely sure he wanted them to be. He handed Tenchi
the keys anyway
though.
"Just be sure to stay away from the locked gate,
because this key..."
The old
priest pointed out the key he was speaking of. "Will
open it!"
He had done it, strangely he didn't feel as though the
decision to hand
Tenchi
the key to the cave the shrine had been presiding over
for thousands of
years
was very momentous. In fact, he felt relieved.
##Ummm . . .this doesn't _quite_ make sense to me.
>From your build up the "old man" is under a bit of
stress
due to this decision. AND he "felt relieved." IMO this
reads
as if it _is_ "momentous".
<SNIP>
The son of Genma Saotome turned out better than
Katsuhito had hoped. It
had been
a long time ago when Genma tried to take the boy on a
ten-year long
training
trip, one Katsuhito was sure would've ended in
disaster had he not
intervened.
Genma was too greedy to be trusted to raise a child,
Katsuhito was sure
if Genma
had ever taken Ranma away, the poor boy would've been
sold away at the
first
dojo they stopped to train.
##Errrrrrr, and the "grandfather" is doing a good job
by giving them
the keys to a demons tomb? ^_^ IMO this needs to be
tweaked
just a little.
Fortunately, dishonorable as his father was, Ranma was
the most
honorable person
##IMO a fanfic cliche. Concepts of "honor" are
culturally determined.
A very good case could be made that _Ranma_ is
dishonerable
since he constantly disobeys his father. If you get a
chance you might
read "NTC's Dictionary of Japan's Cultural Code Words"
by
Boye Lafayette De Mente.
Personally I think the concept that Genma is
�dishonorable" and
Ranma "honorable" is overused and much too dependant
on
"Western" standards.
one could imagine. In fact, Ranma often stood up
against his father in
his
principles of defending the weak and protecting their
interests, no
matter the
cost to his reputation.
##This is NOT honorable according to Japanese
traditions. ^_^
People often thought of Ranma as an exact duplicate of
his father until
he had
saved a young girl from a forest monster and demanded
nothing in
return.
##I think you're better off _showing_ this rather than
telling
about it. Much too much narrative up to this point.
<SNIP> glowing narrative about Ranma.
##A VERY large chunk of narrative. IMO this would be
better if changed to _action_ and broken up into
smaller
bits spread through out the story. Let the reader SEE
these
things. So far this reads more like authors notes or
an outline
than a story.
<SNIP> another large chunk of narrative singing the
praises
of Ranma and Tenchi.
IMO you tried to compress at LEAST two or three
chapters into
two paragraphs. IMO you need to SHOW all the things
you merely
glossed over in the narrative.
Overall: an interesting premise. IMO this is MUCH too
long and
slow for a prologue. Too much narrative. You've
compressed
much of what would be an interesting story into a few
paragraphs.
For instance the prologue _could_ consist of ONLY
giving the keys
to Ranma/Tenchi. (As an example)
ALL of the narrative, especially showing what a
_sterling_ example
of manhood Ranma is, ^_^, should be expanded to SHOW
Ranma
and Tenchi, doing all of these noble things. ^_^
Good luck.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger.
http://im.yahoo.com