Hi!

This is friggin' huge, so I'll probably miss a lot of corrections. Oh
well. :)

It did swell up surprisingly, which is why I had to cut it off where I did.  What bugs me is that it's only two lines out of my outline for the chapter: 'Ranma goes on a training voyage.  When Ranma returns, Akane....'  I think I might try the strategy of releasing more, but smaller, chapters.

Overall, this was excellent work. You kept the character drama >intense while sticking closely to the spirit of their treatments in >the manga.  And if there was a problem with some of the characters >being unsympathetic before, I don't think there was now. (Well, the >major characters, anyhow.) And the writing, as always, was very >vivid with a wealth of detail.

Thanks a lot - very nice praise, and good to hear.  Glad it worked.  And thanks for the C&C below - I hate letting mistakes slip by...  I won't comment on it all, but I'll certainly be implementing most of it.  Very helpful stuff.

You use a lot of colons, and IMO often in places where they don't >seem appropriate. Something you might want to take a look at.

<nod>  About two years back I suddenly discovered the colon and semi-colon, and never looked back.  You should see my academic essays!  Might be time to start pulling back.

In general, these dream bits were very well written, almost hypnotic.
This camera angle stuff didn't work for me, though. I know the idea >is to picture the movie that this is the script for, but instead I >kept imagining myself as the camera operator.

<grin>  Hmm, not quite the desired effect.  This, and the next, dream bit I was pretty unsure of.  I'll probably have to rewrite them.  The camera idea doesn't seem to have gone over well.  Not quite sure where it came from, actually....

>      But suddenly dozens of Ryuta Uehara's and Sayuri's
Ueharas and Sayuris

You think?  I didn't like the way that looked, and sticking the 's' at the end could lead to the possible confusion that that's how you spell the name.

As you know, there've been quite a few Ranma-is-pregnant stories >since this series was first conceived, including (IMO) some good >ones, so this development probably doesn't have the impact that it >might have had.  Nevertheless, I'm very much looking forward to >seeing how this turns out.

The perils of being an excrutiatingly slow writer.  What was a relatively fresh idea three to four years ago, isn't anymore.  If that's what I'm writing about, of course. <grin>  I admit nothing!

Many thanks for the feedback, Gary!  Response so far has been subdued (at least compared to the previous chapters,) so here's hoping people aren't losing interest.

Later!
Mike
noakes_m@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/noakes_m
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