Let me start by saying I originally paid little attention to the fic, until
I saw this nice, friendly little piece of C&C. I found it irresistible to
respond to.
On with the show.
Mass Dahn wrote:
FIRST OF ALL LUNITIC IS SPELLED LUNATIC
SECOND SAMA IS FEMALE HONORIFIC
'-Sama' is not gender-specific. Otherwise, we'd have a lot of mistitled
royalty on our hands, e.g. Tenchi-sama, Vahn-sama, Kaio-sama...
<snip>
- - -SNIP- - -
I AM COMMENTING THE SEXSCENES NOT THE CRAPPY STORY, SO i HAVE CUT OUT MOST
OF THAT.
Hmm. Someone seems to have gotten out of the 'friendly' side of bed today.
Nabiki smirked. Before she left, she would have to
double check the camera in Akane's room.
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE NABIKI. WHY ONLY IN AKANE'S ROOM? PREPARATION
PREPARATION, PREPARATION!!!
This is actually a character issue. As in debate. As in debatable. As in 'to
each his own'. Plus, why is it automatically assumed that the camera in
Akane's room is the only one? And why do I smell nitpicking? And a hint of
less-than-benign attention-seeking?
PROFIT? AS SHE GOING TO BLACKMAIL THEM? OR WAS SHE GOING TO SELL THE VIDEO
AS PORN? THE MIND (MUCH LIKE YOUR PANTS I GUESS) BOGGLES AT THE THOUGHT....
Whoo. More potshots.
Ranma slowly backed away, finding himself within a
safe distance, he turned tail and ran. Akane followed
in quick pursuit.
THE FEMALE OF THE HUMAN SPECIE IS KNOWN TO RUN AFTER THE MALE HUMAN AND HIT
THEM OVER THE HEAD WHEN THEY ARE IN HEAT.
That's 'species'. There's no such thing as a 'specie'. If you're going to
label something 'kinda crappy' you should at least have the high ground to
moralize from.
<snip>
"No," Ranma interrupted. "Forget our dads. Agreement
or not, would YOU have gone through with it?"
Akane paused. How could he ask her this? Doesn't he
know...
"Yes," she answered.
Ranma turned towards her.
"Yes, I would have."
Ranma blinked in surprise. "You... you would have?"
Akane nodded, deep in her blush.
I suppose a certain leeway is to be allowed for lemons; I mean, you have to
admit this is rather out of character. The effect, though, is that the
situation seems contrived. It's as if their bump undid years of inhibitions
and insecurities, like magic.
Then again, that may have been the intent.
DAMNIT! RANMA IS HORNY I MEAN THE GUY IS EVEN HAVING DREAMS ABOUT BONING
HIMSELF! THERE IS NO WAY HE WOULD ASK ABOUT MARRIAGE INT THIS SITUATION. IS
THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A LEMON? OR ARE YOU SCARED THE GIRLS WONT LIKE IT CAUSE
YOU DON'T PAINT RANMA OUT AS A WUSS?
Aha. The man reveals his trouser snake.
TELL THE TRUTH MOST GIRLS DON'T EVEN READ LEMONS. WHY? WELL BECAUSE LEMONS
What a fallacy.
HAVE THE SOUL PURPOSE OF RELEASING THE AUTHORS SICK DREAMS NOT TO BE MORAL
AND ETHICALLY CLEAN!
WHAT AM I SAYING YOU ASK?
WELL IF YOU ARE GOING TO WRITE A LEMON WRITE A LEMON NOT SOME KIND OF
POETIC
CRAP OR WHATEVER!
I wonder if this crosses into flame territory yet.
<snip>
Akane let her hands explore what her mouth was unable
to. She ran her hands down Ranma's shirt. Over his
chest and back, and then down to his lower half.
JUST RIPP HER BLOUSE OF!
Just rip the dictionary up! And the spell-checker, too! To hell with it, why
don't you throw away the CAPS LOCK KEY, too?
She gripped his ass and squeezed as she let Ranma's
tongue probe deeper into her mouth.
DON'T WRITE THIS TO PLEASE THE GIRLS THEY WOULDN'T LIKE IT ANYWAY.
GIRLS WONT HOT EMOTION WERE MEN STRIP AND THEY CAN CONTEMPLATE.
THEY WANT PUNS AND THEY WANT SIMILARITIES( DON'T REMEMBER THE WORD )
Um, does it rhyme with 'naturity'? Oh, what am I saying. You wouldn't know
what I was talking about, anyway.
BUT MOST OF ALL THE REALLY SICK ONES THOSE WHO ARE THE ONLY BIG FEMALE
READERS OF LEMONS WANT MEN FUCKING EACH OTHER AND BEING SURPRISED THAT THEY
LIKE IT AND SUCH SHIT.
SOP IF YOU WANT TO PLEASE THE WOMEN THEN REPLACE AKANE WITH MOUSE AND DRESS
RANMA IN LEATHERPANTS.
On a more sedate and constructive note, the
Ranma-and-Akane-fall-on-each-other-which-leads-to-unbridled-sex lemon has
been done. Again and again. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much to
set this one apart from the chaff. Then again, it IS a spamfic... but isn't
it a bit too long for a spamfic? Maybe a one-shot, you mean. The term
'spamfic' tends to be used as an excuse for shoddy writing and plotting.
<snip>
Akane smiled wryly as she sat down on her bed.
"Ranma," she said, biting her lip. "Have you ever
had--"
"Dreams?" Ranma said, blurting it out.
*YAWN*
Ah, more constructive criticism. I love this list.
On a more useful note, 'dreams' doesn't seem to be the right word here. Or
at least, it isn't built up properly. Even a simple:
"When you go to bed, do you ever have... you know..."
"Dreams?" Ranma blurted out, and the tone in his voice said exactly what
kind he meant.
Or something like that.
<snip>
"Akane," he began. "If we keep going, it's going to
lead into--"
SHUTUP RANMA!
That's right! Shut up! Shut up Akane, too. In fact, rip out all the names
and just post a letter to Penthouse or something. That's make this guy
happy.
Oh, and in case you didn't notice, that was sarcasm.
Ranma ran his hands up Akane's smooth legs, reaching
under her skirt and stopping at her thighs while Akane
writhed under his weight.
GOOD! WE WANT MORE OF THAT LEG CARESSING STUFF!
No comment.
Akane parted the kiss and reached for Ranma's hand,
guiding them up to her chest, and leaving them there
as she moved her hands up to Ranma's face.
NO DAMNIT WHY DID YOU STOP?
Well, I believe it's called 'pacing'. Hands-on experience may someday teach
you that when you're old enough to matriculate.
Ranma got the hint, and used one hand to knead her
breast under the clothing, while he started to
unbutton her blouse with the other.
THIS DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR THE GIRL.
Yeah. I've tried it in Cobra Mission and it doesn't work. :P But seriously,
that is so wrong.
<snip>
Three buttons. The joint of the bra was now
completely visible, thus made his other hand available
to slip under the blouse.
ALWAYS! TELL THE READERS WHAT COLOR THE BRA HAS!( BUT NOT TO MANY TIMES ..
TRY VARIATIONS LIKE: IT WAS MADE OF SILK.. IT WAS MADE OF COTTON BLABLABLA)
He has a point, to a certain extent. Descriptiveness is good for a lemon.
However, you may risk exposing your hidden fetishes (like some people)
<snip>
Again, they attacked each other, kissing furiously.
Ranma hugged Akane tightly, purposely causing her
breasts to press against his chest. He could feel the
firmness of her nipples and he ran his hands along her
back.
DON'T USE THE WORD ATTACKED IT SOUNDS SO JUVENILE..
'Attacked' does sound a bit out of tune, although it does convey the
roughness of the act. As for it being juvenile, there is a little story
about a pot and a kettle I know...
Akane ran her hands down Ranma's back yet again, this
time finding their way past the elastic rim of his
boxers, causing her to squeeze his cheeks lightly.
Ranma followed in suit, brining his hands under the
rim of her skirt, squeezing her cheeks and sliding the
skirt down her legs.
NOW INSERT WHAT COLOR HER PANTIES ARE! ARE THEY TANGA? WHAT FABRIC?
LEATHER?
DOES THE PANTIES HAVE A ZIPPER?
Christ! I've had enough.
<snip>
SUGGESTION..
STOP BEING SUCH A CHICKEN WUSS!
*BOWS*
the MASS'ES APPLAUDS
Well. Here's what I have to say about the fic, and the C&C.
The concept has been done over and over before, I'll be honest. It's not a
bad concept per se, it's just that without that extra bang to carry it this
fic may as well have been any of those other lemons.
The C&C... This was refreshing to read. And here I thought the list was
mellowing down. Instead, I discover that there is always room for infantile,
sadistic misogyny in this great list of ours. So this is freedom.
And that, by the way, was sarcasm.
=====
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
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"A little naive? Was that what you were going to say? A little naive?"
"I was going to say a little clueless, but yeah, that about covers it."
- Skuld and Keiichi, "What Wish?"