I echo some of Brian Payne's concerns, although my emphasis is
somewhat different. One could argue that, since this is obviously
an alternate universe fic, the author should get the normal alt-univ
exemption from characterization complaints, but this story does start
in the middle of the series, so presumably the first twenty or so
volumes of Ranma 1/2 happened as we know them. The problem is some of
these people just don't seem the same.
Thank you! You put it exactly as I couldn't seem to. :)
Brian Payne writes:
Akane: seems too... intellectual, I guess. Sure, she
likes/loves
Ranma (Ranko? :), but some of the sentences she spouts - especially
at
the canal scene - are just not something I can picture Akane saying.
Nor can I see her being that helpful, that quickly. I'm not saying
she
wouldn't help, but in canon, her attitude has always been less
helpful
than it could be, at least at the start of something. Later on,
when it
dawns on her that the situation is serious, she's helpful. Until
then,
though....
I agree her dialog seems a bit off. I didn't have a problem with
how quickly she tries to be helpful, since the situation becomes
serious
very quickly. I did have a problem with her switching over to being
Ranma's buddy as easily as she does - this takes place after the
Mariko
story, after all, when it's already clear she's a lot readier for
their
relationship to progress than Ranma is. I think she would have more
trouble dealing with the end of their engagement than we see here.
She's
in love with the guy, and I'm sorry, being his best friend is just not
the same thing, otherwise the "let's be friends" speech would not be
as dreaded as it is.
And boy, is it dreaded. :)
True, now that I think back on it, the buddies bit was what stuck in
my mind more than her being helpful. They were two aspects of the same
thing - namely, Akane's change from canon - and I suppose I just got
them mixed up in my mind while C&Cing. Oops.
<snip>
Additionally, this story goes way overboard on the business of
Ranma's putting down women. As I've remarked concerning other stories,
he said - one time - that he didn't fight girls, but he proceeded to
do so many times. He puts down Akane a lot, but that's because of
their thorny relationship. When does he insult other girls? When does
he call girls weak, and all the other epithets fanfic authors like to
put in his mouth? I'm not going to claim Ranma's any great feminist,
but I think he's getting a bum rap, and it makes for a weakness in
the story. Yes, I think Ranma would have an enormous problem finding
out that he was born a girl, but I just don't see him reacting the
way he is depicted.
Well, I'm not sure on that aspect. True enough, he never states
things this vehemently in canon Ranma, but he is coming to grips with
something that, frankly, I don't think I'm quite equipped to imagine. I
certainly don't know how -I'd- react if I were told that I was born a
girl.
Ack.
At any rate, perhaps it's just that he's (like the author shows)
lashing out, and his real feelings are coming to the surface. I'd hate
for that to be the case, but it's possible.
Pacing. Oh, man, does the pacing need some work (IMO, again).
It
all happens too quickly. I don't know where you're planning to go
with
this, but it feels like the start of a longer fic. That's great -
I'm
looking forward to the rest. But this chapter just flows too fast.
In
the space of a couple of days, Ranma has reversed everything he ever
believed in, and is liking it. Sorry, but I don't think it'd happen
that quick.
Seriously. Not to mention that certain things just seem to
happen
way too easily. Again, I'd think Ukyo would have a much bigger problem
with the realization that she's thrown the last ten years of her life
down a rathole for no good reason.
Yup. Although I do like that she has one more reason to give
herself a panda-skin rug now. :)
As for the Amazons - well, it's nice to talk about one of their
founding principles being the protection of downtrodden women, but
really, when she pursued them across China, Shampoo didn't seem too
interested in trying to find out whether Ranma - a small girl looking
rather like a homeless waif - was abused and downtrodden; Shampoo
seemed
rather more interested in studying the nature of Ranma's internal
organs
by spreading them all over the landscape. Frankly, it's hard to
reconcile
a notion like protecting women with the reality of a law that says an
Amazon has to kill the woman who defeats her in battle. I'm sorry,
those
just don't mix. I would really expect the Amazons to try to kill
Ranma.
Agreed. I was honestly expecting Cologne to say something along the
lines of, "Oh? You were born a girl? Then I'm afraid Shampoo's kiss of
death is still in effect... 'son-in-law'."
Genma... well, it's hard to say, now isn't it? You've hustled
him
off-stage so you can take potshots at him throughout the whole fic.
Maybe he had a reason for what he did (even if it's only to
himself),
maybe not - we, the readers, will never know unless you show us.
And
seeing a character be constantly bashed without seeing him have a
chance
to show his side of it is, well... unsatisfying is the best word, I
guess. To put it bluntly, you showed his flaws to an exacting
degree,
but you did not even mention his good points. And though it may be
cliche, EVERYBODY has some of both.
Agreed here as well. Assuming that Nodoka could no longer bear
children after Ranko (I don't recall if that's stated in the story,
but
I assume it must be), Genma faces a serious problem - his family has
no
male heir. That's bad enough by itself, without adding in the
complication
of the promise to join the two families. Of course, that begs the
question, why don't they adopt? That would seem the natural answer,
instead of going to Happosai for some wacky sex-change. There's also
the
question of why Happosai would bother to help them. Why would he want
one less female in the world?
Y'know, I hadn't even thought of that. Why -would- Happi help him
in that fashion?
The only thing I can think of is something along the lines of Genma
having a secret stash of Victoria's Secret items... and even that seems
too contrived. :)
Then there's Soun. He may not be the ideal paternal role model,
but
in this story he comes off just as scummy as Genma. Why wouldn't he
just
say, "Look, obviously this particular marriage was not meant to be,
maybe
we can engage our grandchildren?"
Well... not quite as scummy. It's hinted at, indirectly, but
there's none of the mudslinging that Genma endures. Of course, he
deserves it in this fic, but you're right - Soun is partially to blame,
too, and should have gotten some of it, at least. :)
Reid Carson
rcarson@rcarson.com
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org