I echo some of Brian Payne's concerns, although my emphasis is
somewhat different. One could argue that, since this is obviously
an alternate universe fic, the author should get the normal alt-univ
exemption from characterization complaints, but this story does start
in the middle of the series, so presumably the first twenty or so
volumes of Ranma 1/2 happened as we know them. The problem is some of
these people just don't seem the same.
Brian Payne writes:
Akane: seems too... intellectual, I guess. Sure, she likes/loves
Ranma (Ranko? :), but some of the sentences she spouts - especially at
the canal scene - are just not something I can picture Akane saying.
Nor can I see her being that helpful, that quickly. I'm not saying she
wouldn't help, but in canon, her attitude has always been less helpful
than it could be, at least at the start of something. Later on, when it
dawns on her that the situation is serious, she's helpful. Until then,
though....
I agree her dialog seems a bit off. I didn't have a problem with
how quickly she tries to be helpful, since the situation becomes serious
very quickly. I did have a problem with her switching over to being
Ranma's buddy as easily as she does - this takes place after the Mariko
story, after all, when it's already clear she's a lot readier for their
relationship to progress than Ranma is. I think she would have more
trouble dealing with the end of their engagement than we see here. She's
in love with the guy, and I'm sorry, being his best friend is just not
the same thing, otherwise the "let's be friends" speech would not be
as dreaded as it is.
Ranma: um... this one is really hard to say, I guess. Sure, you've
just taken his world and turned it upside down, but I still think he's
responding oddly. IMO, he's accepting it way too easily. And that
leads into the next part, which is,
This is where I have a hard time with the story. Let me quote
Akane's words to Ranma:
"Are you happy? Do you enjoy life? Do you like who and what you
are, are you comfortable with yourself? Do you like what you do
every day?"
In my opinion, the Ranma in Takahashi's 38 volumes would say,
"Yes." Or perhaps, "Hell, yes!" Despite all the crap happening around
him and to him, he only ever gave up hope twice, and both times things
came out okay. Yes, he'd like a cure for his curse, but as long as he's
got it, he might as well have fun with it, whether that means playing
with Ryoga's mind again or showing his mirror-twin how to pick up guys.
He enjoys fighting, he enjoys arguing with Akane, he enjoys the fact
that he's a great-looking guy AND a great-looking girl. I simply can't
see him reacting the way the Ranma in this story does.
Additionally, this story goes way overboard on the business of
Ranma's putting down women. As I've remarked concerning other stories,
he said - one time - that he didn't fight girls, but he proceeded to
do so many times. He puts down Akane a lot, but that's because of
their thorny relationship. When does he insult other girls? When does
he call girls weak, and all the other epithets fanfic authors like to
put in his mouth? I'm not going to claim Ranma's any great feminist,
but I think he's getting a bum rap, and it makes for a weakness in
the story. Yes, I think Ranma would have an enormous problem finding
out that he was born a girl, but I just don't see him reacting the
way he is depicted.
Pacing. Oh, man, does the pacing need some work (IMO, again). It
all happens too quickly. I don't know where you're planning to go with
this, but it feels like the start of a longer fic. That's great - I'm
looking forward to the rest. But this chapter just flows too fast. In
the space of a couple of days, Ranma has reversed everything he ever
believed in, and is liking it. Sorry, but I don't think it'd happen
that quick.
Seriously. Not to mention that certain things just seem to happen
way too easily. Again, I'd think Ukyo would have a much bigger problem
with the realization that she's thrown the last ten years of her life
down a rathole for no good reason.
As for the Amazons - well, it's nice to talk about one of their
founding principles being the protection of downtrodden women, but
really, when she pursued them across China, Shampoo didn't seem too
interested in trying to find out whether Ranma - a small girl looking
rather like a homeless waif - was abused and downtrodden; Shampoo seemed
rather more interested in studying the nature of Ranma's internal organs
by spreading them all over the landscape. Frankly, it's hard to reconcile
a notion like protecting women with the reality of a law that says an
Amazon has to kill the woman who defeats her in battle. I'm sorry, those
just don't mix. I would really expect the Amazons to try to kill Ranma.
Genma... well, it's hard to say, now isn't it? You've hustled him
off-stage so you can take potshots at him throughout the whole fic.
Maybe he had a reason for what he did (even if it's only to himself),
maybe not - we, the readers, will never know unless you show us. And
seeing a character be constantly bashed without seeing him have a chance
to show his side of it is, well... unsatisfying is the best word, I
guess. To put it bluntly, you showed his flaws to an exacting degree,
but you did not even mention his good points. And though it may be
cliche, EVERYBODY has some of both.
Agreed here as well. Assuming that Nodoka could no longer bear
children after Ranko (I don't recall if that's stated in the story, but
I assume it must be), Genma faces a serious problem - his family has no
male heir. That's bad enough by itself, without adding in the complication
of the promise to join the two families. Of course, that begs the
question, why don't they adopt? That would seem the natural answer,
instead of going to Happosai for some wacky sex-change. There's also the
question of why Happosai would bother to help them. Why would he want
one less female in the world?
Then there's Soun. He may not be the ideal paternal role model, but
in this story he comes off just as scummy as Genma. Why wouldn't he just
say, "Look, obviously this particular marriage was not meant to be, maybe
we can engage our grandchildren?"
Reid Carson
rcarson@rcarson.com