Curtis wrote:
A SM Mechwarrior crossover. I do believe you have beaten me for the
title of writer of the crossover that I truly never expected to see.
Tsukino Usagi walked gingerly down the street, admiring
all of the small shops and large stores alike, as well as
the merchandise within. Tomorrow would be August third,
Comma unnecessary
Having only one day created problems for Usagi. True,
she could give Mamoru a lacy pink dress, he would be
... Ummm Huh?
pleased that she had gotten a gift. Not enthralled, but
I think you want a him in there.
Mamoru bought anything he needed and his few hobbies
were expensive, but Usagi always managed to get him
something special. This year she considered some cologne
I'd change this to past pluperfect. ...she had considered...
Suddenly, Usagi felt a shove from behind, she toppled and
fell onto a nearby vacant bench. She quickly scanned the
crowd for a culprit. "Hentai baka," she cursed under her
I think she gets caps
breath, "at this rate I'll never manage to get Mamo-chan
a..." Usagi sat awestruck at her strange twist of fate as
she stared at the sign on a new shop across the street.
'Now Open! *Moroboshi Gifts* Perfect gifts for the man in
Well, if is Ataru Moroboshi gifts, it would probably be located in a
dingy lit alley, well away from the main shopping paths.
your life!' "Domo Arigato, Kami-sama! This is the perfect
place!" Usagi made her way across the street and into the shop,
Period, no comma.
Suddenly a heavy hand fell on her shoulder. "What a
coincidence to see you here, Usako." Usagi instantly
face-faulted and dropped the merchandise she had been
holding. (Nani-yo!?) "What are you doing here, Mamoru?"
she inquired, covering her obvious reason for being there.
Ok, just how is she going to spend an hour in a store and not notice
Mamo? I'm not believing it. Five minutes or so I could understand, but
an hour?
"Well, thanks for the enthusiasm, (Gomen.) but yeah,
The Gomen, understanding that it's a cue, seems totally out of place
here.
I designed most of the main room and Atako and I did all
comma after room
"Sure, be right there Atako! Usako, that's the owner,
Mitsoshi Atako. Why don't you go over with me and I'll
comma after me
The pair drift across the room to the only dimly lit
drifted
corner, where a lovely brunette, dressed in work clothes,
toiled to press a thin strip of wallpaper into the junction
between the ceiling and wall, which she was barely able
to reach. She was pretty really. Her hair was chestnut
She was very pretty. Sounds much better.
brown, tied back in a long ponytail. She had a slender,
shapely body and a beautiful, innocent face, with ice blue
stormcloud eyes. Sweat from a hard day'a work glistened
on her cheeks, and made her honey-colored skin glow.
Was she wearing a white t-shirt? That would make the sweat a whole lot
more interesting.
"Atako, I'd like you to meet Usagi, my girlfriend."
girlfriend,
She was cut off unexpectedly at this point and a
horrifying grinding of gears was heard as a large
mechanical tank crashed through the back wall. Wicked
gravelly laughter rang out as innocent shoppers ran for
cover. Blood seemed to be everywhere, screams peirced
the air, children cried. Through all of the chaos, the
laughter continued, cackling with growing intensity as
unprotected bystanders were being crushed under
mountains of rubble. Usagi herself was pinned under a piece
of metal that had fallen from the ceiling, and she fought back
tears that threatened to take away her control.
It was at this point that I am forced to ask "What the Hell?" At this
point the tone shifts so totally away from what was going on that I'm
left blinking in surprise. Where the hell did this come from?
Also, wouldn't people have noticed ye olde mecha before it crashed
through the store wall? And why did it stop at the store? One would
imagine that it would atleast head for a street corner.
As the dust and floating debris began to clear from the air,
the machine could be seen, grinding away in the middle of the
room. The shelves of once beautiful merchandise were
crushed, and shards of their former wares were scattered all
over the carpet.
Your average tank is a while lot taller than the ceiling of your average
store. And James Bond not withstanding, a tank couldn't just randomly
drive through the middle of a building.
The machine was hideous. A dingy gray-green cast, built
like a living thing; with articulated limbs and a torso. A
hatch on top of the 'head' flipped open and the head of a young
man with platinum, shoulder-length hair appeared. He was
laughing psychotically. He spoke in perfect Japanese. "People
of Japan! Behold what is to come to you! The Clan Wolverine
has come to take your city! We will begin here!!" A round fired
from the massive cannon, scaring the crowd witless and
decimated a back wall.
Wouldn't clan wolverine be using a mech?
"MOON CRISIS... MAKE UP!!!"
I put two thousand bucks on the mecha.