Featherbrite's Tale 13:
"Kidnapped?! The Lunacy Of Zed!"
by Gregg Sharp using characters from Rumiko Takahashi, Naoko
Takeuchi, and European Folklore.
anyone who thinks i actually own them has been getting in
the faerie dust.
certain scenes and ideas from Skysaber.
"Keep your allies close and your enemies chained to the
bottom of a river."
-Mannin Shades, "How I became an Emperor (and
why it isn't my fault)" page 37.
"Is this trip really necessary?"
-the little man from the Draft Board
-------------------------
Sigmund stomped around, amused at the way he was kicking up
little piles of dust. "I don't *remember* there being any
ruins on this moon. Where did they come from?"
Zed's voice was distracted as he finished a long weaving of
enchantment. "Oh, they're authentic. I copied them directly
from the manga myself! The originals must have been stolen,
I couldn't find a trace of them anywhere."
Sigmund finished boggling after a few minutes. He knew that
Zed's power level was extreme, and that the UnSeelie Lord
had been missing for most of the past few months. Now he
knew why. He just hadn't expected this level of attention.
"YOU made them?"
Zed looked hurt at the implied accusation. "What did you
expect??? Our next battle was to be up here and it HAD to
look right."
Sigmund shook his head. Not doubting it for a moment. Zed
was into appearances and had enormous power, but this was
just overwhelming. "But... but... why would you go to all
that trouble?? I mean, building ruins just to look right..."
"I did not build RUINS!" Zed looked offended as he finished
inscribing a Rune of Containment and consulted some odd book
that he pulled out of his trenchcoat pocket.
"But you just said..." Sigmund wasn't sure he wanted to
hear this. He was an orclord and preferred simple,
straightforward, and violent solutions.
"I built the whole Moon Palace! And all the grounds, and as
much of the city as I could see. Then I hired expert
Diviners, past-viewers and Seers to tell me what the rest
looked like! Said something about charging extra for the
universe barrier... but it was WORTH IT!
"Then I destroyed most of it to look authentic. After all,
having a few buildings left for our own purposes only makes
sense. There are even authentic copies of Silver Moon
artifacts hidden among the rubble, for those final moments
when they KNOW they are defeated, to find in their
desperation, and pull out in a final, desperate attempt at
victory... only to be destroyed anyway." Zed laughed
maniacally in true anime villain fashion.
"..." Sigmund was speechless.
"Winning isn't any fun unless you observe the forms." Zed
consulted the book again and started planting a grove of
trees, the seedlings being pulled from the other pocket of
his trenchcoat.
Sigmund grudgingly nodded. ~True, it had been *awfully*
dull in the Unseelie courts before all this had happened
along.~
Zed dusted his hands off and prepared to cast "Prolific
Forestation" upon the grove. "Of course, we had to research
the magic of the Silver Millenium to duplicate their
artifacts to get them to work just right. But don't worry, I
had all our experts on it killed, and the secrets hidden up
in that book over there, which they can't possibly find!"
Sigmund winced. Had that been thunder? "Well, I'll get my
garrison set up in that building over there. Do you mind
putting in some fruit trees and some grass? It'll make
billeting them a lot easier if we don't have to truck in all
our food."
"Maybe a few gardeners," Zed said thoughtfully. "Yes, there
are some of those hanger-on types that like playing at being
UnSeelie."
"Goths," growled Sigmund, having little use for them.
"They're good at being groundskeepers." Zed nodded finally.
"Yes, we'll have a few of them do all the farming and such.
There's also some of those like Crunch who will work with no
questions asked. Inside the dome, slightly higher gravity,
air, water, a self contained ecosystem."
Sigmund sighed. Seemed awfully elaborate for a lair, but
Zed was a weird one.
----------
The lead UnSeelie, a venomous creature that combined
aspects of a moray eel and some huge spider, raised a razor
sharp foreleg to strike down the crowd's protector.
A golden bolt of energy ripped through the offending
forelimb.
The shadows of an alleyway rippled and a man stepped out.
Dressed in ornate samurai armor, the figure stood a little
over two meters in height and was sighting another arrow
along a golden daikyu. He loosed the shaft, and it became a
fiery golden blast that cleanly seperated the moray's head
from his neck.
"Sailor Rose, do not weaken before the foul denizens of the
UnSeelie who seek to pollute the mortal plane. Sailor Red
and Sailor White, be strong. I, Samurai Mask, will hold off
these unworthies while you regroup."
"Rather more effective than throwing roses, though less
romantic," commented Sailor Red, contrasting the comic book
Tuxedo Kamen to the samurai.
"He's just one mortal," commented an UnSeelie who really
should have known better. "What can he do?"
"He's one mortal, all right," said a somewhat more clever
UnSeelie who was readying a teleport spell. "Backed by
faerie magic and carrying enough dwarven magic in those
weapons and armor to outfit a proper hero. Tell you what,
Jiro, why don't you hold 'em off while I go have a nip down
at the pub, eh?"
"He's got magical weapons?" The vast majority of the
UnSeelie immediately proved why they were 11th and 10th
Circle. "We can divvy 'em up among us when we pry 'em out of
his cold dead fingers then, eh?"
Stazing, Lord Of Crickets, proved why he was an UnSeelie of
the 9th Circle and considered a promising young executive
among the evil faerie. He left before the rain of slicing
and dicing began.
The katana had been perfected over ages, becoming one of
the most effective sword designs ever to come out of a
forge. Dwarven magic enhanced that design, binding runes of
sharpness and durability. Faerie magic enhanced the arms
that wielded the sword, increasing strength and speed. The
wielder was a very skilled swordsman to begin with.
The crowd oohed and aahed as pieces of monster were
filletted in midair. Some "youma" were cut in half, or
quarters, or into numerous tiny slices as Samurai Mask
passed by. One unlucky crablike fellow found a Japanese waka
had been enscribed onto his shell.
Numbers were beginning to tell, as the tide of UnSeelie
moved to surround the samurai. One of those in front kept
firing poisonous spines, requiring the samurai's full
attention to block them.
Just as it appeared that the crowd of UnSeelie was about to
overwhelm him, the Sailors returned to the fray.
Sailor Rose pulled a rose out of her fuku top, quickly
transmuting it to her dreaded rose-whip attack.
Sailor White pulled a three-section-staff out of her
sleeves, quickly beginning the process of enhancing it with
chi.
Sailor Red hefted a small car.
The fight began again, but without some of the
heavy-hitters on the UnSeelie side, the tide had turned
again.
-------------------
The evening news at "Ucchan's Cat Cafe" (the name of Ukyo's
new place) was a traditionally slow time. Practically
everyone at school had gone home for their dinners, the
study groups had broken up, and the college crowd and
salarymen were anxious to get to a place with a liquor
license. Prior to that, there were study groups and hangers
on. Later on, others would come by to get a late night
snack.
"They're at it again," Nabiki groaned as she watched the
"Legion Of Substitute Senshi" posing and giving speeches
about how they would defeat the next youma.
"They've got some interesting attacks, but how can you take
them seriously?" Ukyo shook her head. "I mean, really,
how..."
"And Ranma thought *his* attacks were lame." Nabiki pointed
to the newsclip. "Pretty bad when your main attack is
'Cutesy Sparkle' or 'Love Rhapsody'. Highest power rating is
four!"
"Well, they're popular, more or less," offered Ukyo.
"They get pounded into the ground on a regular basis. Heck,
*my* power level is four just from the spells I've got
memorized and I don't have any heavy-hitting spells." Nabiki
groaned as Sailor Country whipped a gangster-type, only to
have him bare his chest and start begging for more. "You, in
your Sailor Valkyrie guise, show up as having a power rating
of twelve hundred. Sailor Angel has a power rating of almost
ten thousand, though so far her strongest Healing Escalation
has only been nine hundred!"
"What's Ranma-honey's power rating?"
Nabiki made sure that Ranma wasn't present before replying.
"One hundred twenty five."
"Ouch," said Ukyo with a wince.
"Oh, poor Ranma." Kasumi kept trying to think of Ranma as
her little brother. Sometimes this was more difficult than
at other times. It was safe, though.
"Mind you, it's a focussed attack, sort of like using an
armor-piercing bullet. Still..." Nabiki shrugged with a
slight smile.
"Where *is* Ranma-honey, anyway?"
"Last I saw him, he was at the library trying to catch up
with his homework."
"He's listening to me," said Kasumi, pleasantly surprised
by this revelation.
Featherbrite flitted up from her bowl of pretzels,
distrusting this sudden sense of wrongness.
-----------------
Ranma sidestepped the guy who called himself Teppo, lashing
out casually with enough force that the tough guy wannabe
was kissing concrete a moment later.
He counted to three, then kicked backwards, catching
Tsubasa in the chin and knocking the crossdressing boy out.
Dull. Boring. Predictable. Get up. Go to school. Study. The
Parade Of Idiots. Homework. More idiots attacking. The
occasional weird stuff that just seemed to get drawn to the
presence of the fae.
Occasionally the day would top out with either a youma or
Rink & Pink. Except that sometimes Rink & Pink would attack
in the morning. And sometimes Rink would disagree with Pink
and the two of THEM would start fighting. Such as the time
Pink had decided to try and turn him completely into a girl
with one of those weird flower things. The LAST time Rink &
Pink had attacked: they had started fighting him, switched
to a youma that had wandered in, and Ranma had snuck off
during the melee.
A red rose slammed into the ground at Ranma's feet, the
stem actually imbedding itself into the concrete.
"Now we break evil Shampoo spell and gain revenge for years
of humiliation! Over."
"Now Ranma be Rink's husband for sure! Over."
Ranma winced. Today was a Rink & Pink day, obviously. "Uh
huh, what is it today, more poisonous roots?"
Pink posed, finger raised to the heavens, from her position
atop a parked taxi. "No, today we make sure you alone. You
has no allies to come help you."
Rink posed from the alleyway, using a sentai version of a
crane stance. "Now WE has ally! Today is day Ranma be
husband to Rink! Monster come forth!"
A spider-youma clattered from behind Rink, pushing past her
to look down on Ranma. It vomited a flowing river of
spiderwebs.
Ranma dodged, flipping back and over a car.
Unfortunately landing in front of another little old lady
watering her sidewalk, and this one used a high pressure
hose.
Dripping wet, Ranma looked at her opponents. Rink going to
the left to cut off escape to the street. The youma coming
forward. Ranma blinked and started looking for Pink.
Something landed in Ranma's hair.
------------------
A troll-doll on a stick entered the "Ucchan's" giving a
wide berth to the crossdresser cleverly disguised as a
plastic Colonel Sanders.
"Shampoo?" There was a note of uncertainty in the Elder's
voice.
"HIBA-CHAN!" Shampoo leapt across the room and hugged her
great grandmother.
Cologne tolerated the display of public affection while
looking around the restaurant. Two customers slurping
noodles warily looked back, wondering if there was going to
be a floor show like there had been when a large potted
plant had attempted to grope Ukyo.
"So, this is your great-grandma, eh?" Ukyo whipped up an
"Everything Under The Sun" okonomiyaki.
"Oh my, so nice to meet you." Kasumi bowed, setting the tea
service to the side for the moment.
"So where's this Ranma fellow?" Cologne looked around,
wondering where her future son-in-law (or at least ally)
was.
"Actually, it's pretty late. I wonder if he fell asleep at
the library again." Nabiki pondered from where she was
studying, then set aside her business journal to gather a
few things in the back. Just in case.
Everyone was catching up on introductions when a cry from
Nabiki got their attentions.
"He's WHERE?!"
-------------------
Soun came wailing in to face Genma, tears running
uncontrollably off to the sides.
"Geez, Soun, you are *such* a weenie sometimes," observed
Genma.
Soun stopped crying, which was the effect Genma had been
looking for. "Yes, Genma, and you're a reprehensible little
turd, but that's beside the point. Look at what I found
drying on the line outside!"
"Very pretty, but it's just not you. I think winter or
spring would fit better, that's more autumn."
Soun twitched. "It's not MINE, Saotome. It's Sailor Red's
seifuku! Do you know what that means?"
"That we don't have a clothesdryer?"
*WHAM!*
Soun put the mallet away. "No, Saotome. TRY to think. I
realize with your new drug habit that it might be a bit
difficult, but try anyway."
"Of course!" Genma chortled as he pulled himself up. He
adjusted his glasses, hoping that it made him look more
scholarly. It didn't. "When Sailor Red comes back for her
clothes, we'll capture her and sell her secret identity to
the Yakuza! Thereby getting me off the hook with them!"
*WHAM! WHAM!*
Soun sniffled and put away the hammer again. "It means my
delicate, fragile, too easily hurt, not ready for such
things, darling daughter Akane is Sailor Red. See, it's even
got her name on it."
Genma red the indicated tag inside the clothing. "If lost
or stolen, please return to Akane Tendo, Tendo Dojo,
Furin-ken, Ota-ku, Nerima Japan. AHH! Then if we sell Akane
to the Yakuza..."
*WHAM! WHAM! WHAMMITY WHAM!*
"Truly Genma, you ARE an idiot. We'll try these again after
your allergy pills have worn off."
--------------------
Rink sulked. Pink screamed obsenities.
Zed merely waited for the unpleasantries to subside. "What
did you expect, we're villains. You tried to take Ranma, we
just set you up in a jail cell. No problem."
"This violate term of our agreement! Over."
"So?" Zed looked curiously at the two. "Your point being?"
"We break out of here no problem! Over."
"Take another look out your window. Notice the lack of
air?" Zed gestured towards the large picture window. "As I
understand it is traditional for villains to use this sort
of thing. Here you are in a locked room, surrounded by a
complete lack of air and similar niceties, with a large
window facing a wonderful view of the horizon. In a few
days, the sun will come up and the temperature of this room
will rise rather dramatically.
"You're clever. You figure it out."
-------------
"Excuse please." The big ugly humanoid paused long enough
for Ranma to lift her feet, then swept underneath the area.
"Thank you."
"No problem," Ranma said, a little put out that they
wouldn't let her help with things. "You look a bit busy."
"Dust, dust everywhere. Very hard to keep clean." The ogre
paused. "You nice person for prisoner."
"Thank you," Ranma said with a blush, "you're very... uhm,
nice for a kidnapper."
"Not kidnapper. Me am maintenence worker with independent
contract. Name is Crush. Me only work for kidnapper."
"So," Ranma concluded unhappily, "I suppose that means you
can't just let me go."
"Sorry," Crush said with a tip of his baseball cap. "You
nice person. Crush help, just promise you no give Crush
trouble."
"Sure, if you'll do something for *me.*" Ranma smiled
sweetly at the big ogre. "Uhm, Crush, can you get me
something to read? It's *awfully* boring here without
anything to do."
Crush thought for a few moments, scratching his low sloping
brow. "Crush see book while cleaning. Will pretty lady like
to read?"
"That would be wonderful, Crush."
Ranma giggled and sat back on her couch, wondering when the
rescue party would arrive.
-----------------------
"This is Megumi Noguchi right outside the 'Monmo Street
Public Library' in Osaka. Witnesses report that the leader
of the Senshi, the Faerie Princess herself, was seen being
carted off by a youma and in the presence of these two
vicious Chinese foreigners."
Pictures of Rink & Pink were fed in by the network.
"We were able to get this EXCLUSIVE interview with youma
Dark General Zed!" Megumi turned to the very bishonen
looking villain. "Dark General Zed, what are your plans
regarding the Faerie Princess?"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Zed laughed in fine anime villain
tradition. He had researched his part well, and knew that
this was his chance for a good old maniacal villain rant.
"Now the Faerie Princess is captured and will be offered up
to our Dark Lord, soon to usher in a new Age Of Darkness!"
Megumi paused. "Uhm, could you be more specific about this?
What exactly IS an Age Of Darkness?"
"Good question, Megumi. Can I call you Megumi?" Zed had
worked out this and wanted to sound properly villainous.
"The Age Of Darkness will start with us removing such
problems as crime and political advertising. We have
monsters standing by who will take such problems off your
hands, perhaps with a side order of fries or a nice salad.
And once they've been eaten, you can be sure that your
criminals will be no further burden to society. The same
with ANY burden to the new society we're ready to install."
"I see," said Megumi, several shades paler, "so with the
Dark Kingdom, it's 'Do the crime, get eaten by a monster.'
Oddly enough there is a certain attractiveness to this
picture."
Zed smiled, doing an illusion that gave him rows of pointy
teeth. "We prefer phrases like 'Don't do your part, we'll
eat your heart.' Simple and accurate. We're terribly
misunderstood Megumi, we view Anarchy as a horrible thing
and want a world where no one has to work a job they don't
like. A perfect world where everyone has everything they
need, all provided by your loving Dark Kingdom rulers. We
really only want what's best for you."
"I see," said Megumi, her hair having toinged out a few
times during this last speech. "Well, then, let's get back
to you, Kochiro!"
Zed sniffed Megumi a couple of times. "My dear, have you
unpaid traffic tickets?"
"KOCHIRO!" Zipppp! There was a swirl of hair as the
reporter decided to stick to interviewing the GOOD GUYS from
now on.
-----------------------------
Everyone at the Ucchan's Cat Cafe stared at the television.
"HOW?!" Shampoo asked.
Nabiki finished studying tea leaves. "Looks like Rink &
Pink managed to tag him with one of those mind-altering
flowers."
"So, that beggers the question, where is he?"
Nabiki shuffled tarot cards and cast a quick invocation.
The cards laid themselves out into a Celtic Cross pattern.
After studying them for a moment, Nabiki frowned. "I was
hoping my early scrying was wrong. If this is RIGHT, Ranma's
in girl form on the Moon."
Silence briefly reigned in the Ucchan's.
"So how we get to Moon?"
----------------
"They've got Ranma?" Ryoga KNEW who the Faerie Princess had
to be.
Shammi made a "muscle" gesture. "We go help?"
Ryoga considered. Ranma was his rival. Someone he made a
big show out of attacking and fighting, but on another very
real sense, Ranma was also his friend. If not for Ranma, he
wouldn't be cursed to turn into whatever he was nearest when
the sun went down. If not for Ranma, he wouldn't have met
Shammi and spent the last couple of weeks...
"We go help?" Shammi repeated. This was her airen, so she
could be submissive to him. Unless he got too male-stubborn
and needed persuading to see that SHE was right. And as long
as he was properly deferential to her in his turn, but so
far she hadn't had any trouble with that.
"Of course we go help," Ryoga answered as the sun went down
and he shifted again to Shammi's twin.
-----------------------
Next time on Featherbrite's Tale:
How will Ranma escape being a prisoner on the Moon?
Will Crunch ever get all that annoying moon dust out of the
Princess' room?
Will Ryoga and Shammi find the Ucchan's?
The answers to these and other questions, same Brite-time,
same Brite-channel!
-----------------------------------------
"Shampoo learn many things. Shampoo seek
out new life, and new civilizations, kicking
major butt where no Amazon ever go before!"
-Shampoo, A Very Scary Bet
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