Anyone who was around in the middle of last year might remember a draft of
Mecha Series Nine. Some unlucky chaps might even still have it saved on
their hard drive.
Delete it, and make way for this one. ^_^
This particular portion is a more-or-less complete overwrite which doesn't
break the fourth wall nearly as much as the original version and hopefully
isn't nearly as...uh...perverse as the original one. Here's to hoping,
knock on wood. ^_^;;
Lawrence
--
"To you and me this rice means nothing, but to my ancestors...don't mess
with my family. Apologize to the rice." -- Chow Yun-Fat
--
http://come.to/pomi
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: ms9-1.txt
Camping is a favored sport for many a person. In Japan, camping,
although rare, is actually enjoyed more than one might think. For
instance, a group of friends could be pleasantly hiking through a
forest outside their hometown, and there could be one person who would
trail behind everyone else because they're holding all the baggage.
In this case, that group of friends would be hiking in a forest not
quite ten miles away from their hometown of Barutora, a small suburb
outside Kyoto. And the one person with the baggage would be Kiyakuma
Makiko. Who, by the way, happened to hate camping even if she enjoyed
doing stuff with her friends.
Her muscles were aching--she had been carrying all this luggage with
her since about...oh, the time they had started walking. And since
they started walking from Hanako's backyard, that was quite a while
ago. Oh, yes, she hated camping.
The simple fact was, she had pretty much reached the limit of even her
endurance. Struggling and sweating, she could barely call out to the
others to wait up, or to help, or whatever. Unfortunately, they were
too engrossed in their conversation to even notice that Makiko was
falling further and further behind.
Nor did they notice when she finally slumped to the ground and decided
to take a nap right there. Not until it was too late, anyway.
They DID, notice, however, when it started raining half an hour later
and all their gear was missing. But that's best saved for later.
You see, a number of events happened at about that time in the area of
the forest that Makiko happened to be in. For one, it started raining
there, too. For two, the raindrops made her wake up and hunt for
shelter--in this case, a conveniently nearby cave. For three, her
shirt was getting damper and damper by the moment. This mysterious
phenomenon happens quite often to cute, raven-haired, 17-year-old
females with a fairly attractive build. Which, coincidentally, Makiko
was.
Grumbling, she made her way over the fifty-meter distance to the cave,
mumbling about her hatred of camping and all things that put her at
one with nature. Especially when she was supposed to be four with
nature. Still exhausted with carrying all the backpacks and camping
gear and such, she decided to sit by the wall.
It was about that time that the interdimensional portal leading to an
alternate dimension full of adventure and excitement opened up where
the entrance to the cave once was.
Oh, right. Did we mention that Makiko hated camping?
***
products of my imagination proudly presents
a completely random mechanime parody
mecha series nine
as written and created by lawrence chu
mecha design conceived by robin strickland
all characters and situations copyright lawrence chu. so take that,
viz. booyah.
***
RECORD ONE: Genesis. (Does what Nintendo don't.)
***
Now, at a sight like this, you would expect one to scream in terror
and run like crazy before they collide with a tree. This, in fact, is
exactly what Makiko didn't do. For her, fainting was a more
appropriate option.
So she did exactly not that. Instead, she just stared at the thing
like a deer would at headlights. That is, extremely mindlessly. She
could stare at that intense, gazing white for minutes where to her it
would actually feel more like...um...minutes.
Oh, and she sweatdropped a little, too.
Another person might have dived into the portal expecting to lead a
life of danger, where everyone they'd meet they'd seem a stranger,
where every move they'd make would be another chance they'd take, and
odds'd be they wouldn't live to see tomorrow. Makiko, however, was
a more practical person. So she patiently waited for the portal to
go away.
It didn't.
She tried poking it with a stick, which might've been successful if
there were a stick about. But there wasn't, so she tossed pebbles in
to see if they'd melt upon touching the portal. Nothing.
She finally gave in five minutes later and, knowing that there wasn't
much of a choice, walked into the portal.
***
You can imagine your own surreal vision of islands and wonder and
intrigue here. It doesn't take that much imagination.
Not that it'd matter, because Makiko didn't have anything like that
at all while going through the portal.
***
You can imagine your own surreal vision of islands and wonder and
intrigue here. It doesn't take that much imagination.
Now toss in a giant thing under a mosquito veil and a foot-high dwarf-
like creature, perhaps a table or desk here or there, and a ceiling,
and a bunch of really funky-looking gadgets/waldos/doodads/gizmos and
you have a vague idea of what Makiko saw when she stepped out of the
portal. You might want to add to your little imaginary composition
the small number of pebbles that lay at her feet.
Makiko continued looking around at this place, and wondered exactly
where she was. The foot-high dwarf-like creature kept looking at her
expectantly for some odd reason. Was there something she had to do?
Perhaps make some sort of gesture of greeting? Was she supposed to
dress up like a chicken and run around the room making strange
grinding noises? (If she was, Dopey there could forget it.)
She eyed the giant thing under the mosquito veil (or whatever it was)
with interest. Whatever could it be? (Forgive her. She doesn't know
half of what's going to happen to her in here.)
Finally, after a few moments of intense nothing, the creature made
the first move and spoke.
###
Greetings. I have been expecting you to come. Your planet is in
extreme danger, and you must defend it with the three others who will
assist you.
My name is Matato Ha'kuno, hailing from the planet Puumba. My people
are somewhat more advanced technologically than yours, which you have
no doubt noticed upon entering my abode. We were a proud
civilization, until we received your transmission.
###
It looked at her intently. She looked at It back. It continued:
###
I see you remain silent. It is almost as if you are aware of what
your people did to mine. That single transmission killed half of our
population as it was broadcast. It is because of this that my planet
wishes to destroy yours.
However, I do not blame you for your crimes, for I understand that you
never had intention of allowing us to receive a broadcast of an idol
singer via radio signal, and that you had no intention of harming us.
However, the government I work for is not as forgiving, and I fear
that they are preparing troops right now.
You see, on my way to work about a year ago, I accidentally overheard
a segment of an official conversation taking place in a conference
room, and they discussed this very idea. The minutes specifically
stated that they were planning on attacking Earth to, and I quote,
"blow stuff up. Oh, yeah, we might want to enslave the Earthlings or
something."
Since then, I have constructed this lab outside of work and been
constructing this very tool for your use, as idol singing will no
longer work. Hence, I present you this: The Mecha Series Nine. It is
yours, as prophecied by the ancient Puumban lores. Your friends shall
receive theirs in due time.
###
It took a deep breath and looked at her again.
###
Fascinating story, no?
###
It looked into her eyes with all the intent of a foot-tall dwarf-like
creature looking into the eyes of a cute, raven-haired, 17-year-old
female with an attractive build. She looked back with all the intent
of a bored person.
###
You still remain silent. Is this too much for you to handle? I can
understand if you believe it to be...
Don't worry, everything will be--oh, damn! I forgot to turn on the
translator device! I KNEW I forgot something!
###
It diddled with a nearby device after the long speech. What was it
doing now? Trying to summon a 12-tentacled sex demon to force her
into compromising yet oddly erotic positions? Sending Tokyo Tower,
the Empire State Building, Big Ben, the American Capitol building,
and the Eiffel Tower to their dooms by sending a countdown to various
floating coins from the isle of Yap that were readying Big Honking
Lasers of Destruction? Perhaps it was--
"Greetings. I have been expecting you to come."
--greeting her? That'd...make sense, actually. She listened to his
speech in full as he repeated it into the translator.
"...Hence, I present you this: a bucket of cherry wine."
Of course, machines have their faults, too.
"...that doesn't look like a bucket to me. You guys are weird."
#That's because it ISN'T. It's your Mecha Series Nine!#
"That's because it ISN'T," translated the dull, tinny voice of the
machine. "It's your bucket of cherry wine!"
Makiko sweatdropped. "You're...not making any sense at all."
#MECHA SERIES NINE! GET IT RIGHT!# Ha'kuno screamed.
"BUCKET OF CHERRY WINE! GET IT RIGHT!" the machine screamed back.
"Ano--"
#&^$% ^$#%#$# &%^*!#$ $#^!$%&!!!#
"UNINTELLIGENT DIETY-REJECTED FORNICATING PART-EXCREM--" the machine
chirped obligingly before it went to the big product shop in the sky.
Which, given this lab's outdoorish appearance, might've been the
ceiling in this case.
The alien muttered something, looked in some sort of dictionary, and
wrote out the katakana "ME-KA-SHI-RI-ZU" and the number nine on a
piece of paper.
#Here you go,# Ha'kuno spat, pointing at the paper. With each word,
he jabbed at the appropriate character on the sheet. #Mecha. Series.
Nine.# He slammed the paper down on the desk and glared at Makiko.
#Capice?#
Makiko looked at the paper, sweatdropped, and nodded.
#Good. Now, then...# Ha'kuno started rooting around the drawers in
the tables and desks and whatever, finally settling for something
that suspiciously looked like a clip-on microphone.
#Hope this'll work. Better get another language pack soon, though,#
Ha'kuno muttered.
"I pray that this instrument will suffice. I must find an improved
speech/vocabulary module when possible," the clip-on translated.
#*whew*,# exhaled Ha'kuno.
"The fact that this instrument works relieves me greatly," translated
the clip-on.
"..." remarked Makiko.
"Enough of this chit-chat. We must prepare you for your standard
uniform for synchronizing with your Mecha Series Nine," the translator
chirped as per Ha'kuno's remarks.
"...uniform?"
"I believe I am hearing my own voice repeated. I did say uniform."
Hakuno opened a drawer and pulled something out.
If Dopey there believed that uniform could cover up her whole body,
she had a number of bridges to sell him.
Sweatdrop.
***
You haven't seen "fanservice-friendly" until you've seen this.
Essentially, the uniform was a one-piece white swimsuit with small
sleeves and pantlegs. There were also transparent areas in...uh...
"strategic" locations on her body. When asked about their location,
Ha'kuno had said that those were optical fibers that helped
synchronize her with the machine and yes, they absolutely, positively
had to be there.
"As is, nobody will be able to see you in this because you'll be in a
capsule the entire time. You need not worry about people watching you
as if you were nothing more than an idolized figure."
"...right. So where's this capsule?"
"In your general forward vicinity," Ha'kuno replied. Most likely, he
was referring to the thing under the mosquito net or whatever it was.
This would explain why he suddenly unveiled the--
--huge fricking twenty-story-tall behemoth of a humanoid robot, which
was armed to the teeth and generally looked kickass from the feet
upward--
--missle launchers the size of 300-year-old oak tree logs, some giant
energy rifle with a barrel easily her height--
--giant Mickey Mouse ears--
--tons of slots that looked like they were designed to add on even
more weaponry and gadgets, turning into a mechotaku's wet dream--
--rockets built into the boots which could probably leap--
--wait a minute--
--giant Mickey Mouse ears?
...well, there goes the wet dream.