From: Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com>
To: spardue@zebra.net, dgoldsmith@mac.com, ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] C&C Genma's Daughter Part 1
Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 18:23:32 -0500

Hi,
Sorry this is so delayed.
I'm running behind on my C&C
due to Real Life, among other things.

My comments ##

EVERYTHING is In My Opinion (IMO)
whether specifically indicated or not.



As always, all rights to Ranma 1/2 belong to Rumiko Takahashi and
Shougakukan

Genma's Daughter
Part 1

Original concept and sketch by Steve Pardue
Story by Deborah Goldsmith and Steve Pardue

Suddenly Ranma bounced over the wall, her pigtail fluttering in
the wind as she flew through the air. As she landed she swung her
body about swiftly, her right foot cutting through the air to
catch Kunou as he appeared over the wall, his body stretched out
in mid-glomp. Caught by Ranma's kick, Kunou was launched
heavenward, out cold.

##Nice. A few nit-picks. ^_^ I'd change Ranma to Ranko,
Ran-ko or something similar. However this is not strictly necessary.
However I'm afraid that "glomp" disrupts the mood of the piece.
(I don't like "sweat drop" either.^_^ )

Don't complain about this chapter its great. the small flaws made the story better. And as you will see calling Ranma, Ranma is correct.

Snorting at the kendoist's flight, Ranma turned towards the
house, ignoring the panda in the pond. She pulled her shirt up
and twisted it out, trying to remove at least some of the water
which had thoroughly soaked it. Mumbling, she stepped up on the
porch and headed towards the stairs.

"Ranko?"


##OK, ignore my earlier comment about "Ranko". The contrast
between "Ranma" & "Ranko" is a good one. (still, Ran-ko or
Ranma-chan are  possibilities.)

You see? and no Ran-ko and Ranma-chan wouldn't be the right way to describe him as it is only the way Genma sees him not some other person like Daitsuke. Genma would only think of him as Ranma, even in Ranma's female form cause he has to.

Ranma shifted her weight again. She didn't like to lie,

##Errrr, since when? ^_^ Again, this is open to interpretation.
However Ranma has been less than forthcoming at times
in the manga/anime. IMO the idea that Ranma is a model
of truth, justice and the Japanese way is a fanfic myth.

Not really. true Ranma has lied many times but there is nothing that suggest that he ever like lying.

 Ranma noticed that her Pop was
scurrying out of the house with his pack in hand, but was too
shocked by meeting her mother to do anything about it.

##I like Genma. ^)^
The emotional reaction between Ranma/mother needs a bit more development.
IMO you've made a good start, but it's too shallow to be really believable.
More detail and development please.

NO! not more detail this is just something Ranma sees in a passing and doesn't really think about. instead he files it away.

Nodoka searched Akane's eyes for some sign of recognition, but
found none. The sound of footsteps in the hall behind her caused
her to turn again. Soun stood there, with Kasumi beside him. Soun
started to speak, but apparently couldn't find the right words.
He settled, instead, for successfully fighting back his
ever-present tears.

## Use of Soun's "tears" are unnecessary
at this point and detract from the story. Personally
I feel that Souns tears/demon head, Akane's mallet/cooking,
Rouga getting lost world wide, etc should be used
VERY carefully and sparingly since they've been
reduced to the point of cliche.  You've got a
very nice story to this point. Don't spoil it. ^_^

Yes, but if Suon wouldn't cry open seeing Nodoka after seen he had seen her see her daughter in female form I don't know when  he would cry.

"Well, of course it's true, Ranma. And I should know. Who else do
you think Genma and Soun would come running to once they found
out they'd never have sons to carry on the families' schools?"

##THIS needs a lot more development. Perhaps you've done
so later in the story. However I'd like at least a little more
explanation at this point.  The primary reason for marrying
off Akane is due to the ENORMOUS inheritance taxed. Parents
can _give_ property to children as wedding present.  In this
case it seems VERY strange they would go to this length.
Genma has a reason since w/o a son he has no real assets
to gain the Tendou doujou. Soun certainly seems to have little
reason to do this. You need to provide a _reason_ to go to
all this trouble. For that matter why not make Akane
the boy? Soun could use a son as well. He's got two spare daughters.
IMO would make more sense to make Akane & Ranma boys.
Genma would still have two of Soun's daughters to choose from
AND Soun would have a son as well.

Read the third part, it explains this. Besides what the hell is wrong with you? Do you want the WHOLE plot revealed in the first sentences or something?

All of the people in the room stared at Happi in shock. Nodoka
drew her katana and waved it threateningly. "You helped that
bastard do this to my beautiful baby girl?"

##Seems more than a bit OOC for Nodoka, considering
what little we know of her from manga.

Listen. The fact that we don't get to know THAT much about Nodoka's character is because there isn't that much interesting. And the fact that we don't know so much leaves more room for developing her. SHE is NOT out of Character.

Akane's temper was starting to flare. "Daddy, what does he mean,
'Genma and Soun'? You didn't help him do this to Uncle Saotome's
daughter, did you?"

##I'd think Akane would show a little more confusion about
things at this point. She seems too ready to believe that
Ranma started out as a girl. IMO this is not believable.

Only thing I agree with you on. in the beginning Akane SHOULD be a little more confused. And wouldn't accept this so lightly. But remember that the author wrote this part in lapses and this was probably never meant to be such a long part to begin with. So I guess you could say this was a left over from the original story.

Akane stalked across the room towards him. "How could you do that
to your own mother, Ranma? After all the years you've been
separated, how could you do that to her?"

##??? Quite frankly I think Ranma reacted VERY well under
the circumstances. This is a bit much for anyone to take all at once.

Yes, he might be very well but listen here This is NOT what YOU think. You are not in the story and cant really relate. This is what Akane is Thinking and in her opinion she feels betrayed by Ranma and when she sees an opportunity to get back at him she takes it.
maybe this is the reason why she Accepted Ranma being a REAL girl so fast. Maybe she just did it unconsciously because she wanted it to be true so that she could argue with him. and tell him what a jerk she thought he was.

The inside of the house was hard for Akane or Ranma to describe.
It felt almost like a shrine, well kept and well loved, but with
the sort of omnipresent

##Errrr, oppressive?

Oh you don't know what the word Omnipresent means? what a petty.. but not very surprising. Omnipresent = all that a person is taking in, that persons everything. well it means that the room makes the people feel it is all there is. GAH I cant explain it but that is what it means.

A pretty young woman in a dress, with long black hair, was
walking into the genkan on the TV, holding a little girl in her
arms: Akane. Ranma felt Akane's hand squeeze his tighter, until
it was almost painful. "Mother," she sobbed once, and wiped the
tears from her cheek with her free hand.

##Nice, if a little confusing. It took me a couple of read through's
to figure out this was Akane's mother.

G, what a surprise. I understood it was her mother the moment she was introduced. here is NOTHING confusing about this part.

##I'm trying to figure out the Red Hair/blue eyes. (other than
the fact the Japanese like to use a lot of colour in anime. ^_^)

The best I can come up with is Nodoka has European or Anu blood.
And the Anu is a stretch. They are of different stock than the Japanese(who are of Korean descent) but that's an awfully _bright_ red. And the _blue_ eyes are a problem. And if Nodoka is NOT pure Japanese this makes Soun's willingness to >ally with the family even stranger. Bad enough that he was a _she_ >to begin with but the family's not pure Japanese. This is a VERY big
deal among traditional families.

And now you are complaining about the anime. Listen I don't know why The hair colors was used in Ranma. But I can tell you that in reality most blue haired girls and such really are black haired. The reason why they are painted redhaired or blue or green or purple is because The colors is a way of describing there nature, a way of telling people apart easier in the anime. For example the fact that Ranko in the anime has blue eyes and red hair can be explained as . Red hair= willful short fuse  blue eyes = honorable person, good.

 She had no doubt that the little redhead on the TV
was Ranma -- or at least, his female form. What on Earth had
happened? She now understood Ranma's rude behavior towards his
mother: he simply could not deal with this.

##Why "no doubt"? A twelve year old video of a little girl?
Even without video manipulation I'd hate to have to make an
ID based on nothing more than this.

Why no doubt? well I thought about this also. But then Why would ANYone go to these lengths? also remember that Suon had earlier confirmed the truth about Ranma's true gender.

##Main Coon Cat ?
Interesting as well, since many Japanese regard cats
as bad luck.

Now you are just being ignorant. There are just some aspects of that. And there ARE certain religions in Japan that hold the cat as holy.

Ranma felt numb, as if he were freezing to death. The room seemed
to fade away as his senses shut down. The simple fact that he,
Saotome Ranma, Man Amongst Men, was a girl, a girl named Ranko,
occupied his entire universe, crowding everything else out. Time
seemed to slow down, as this fact rolled over and engulfed every
truth he had held about himself. His view of who he was was
disintegrating, replaced by an enormous gulf of questions and
uncertainty.

##No. This should take MUCH longer to happen.
There have been several recent books and articles on
Gender Reorganization.  It is almost impossible that
Ranma would accept things this quickly and in this manner.
Also, the fact that "he" saw himself as male seems to indicate
that he really WAS male, despite the body he or she was born with.
The most recent findings indicate that even with gender reorganization
AT BIRTH a "male" will still think and act as a male. The fact that
Ranma thought of himself as male, even when in a female body,
suggests that Genma was perfectly correct in changing Ran-ko to
Ran-ma.  I suppose you could invoke "magic" to explain the mental
change. That is very much like cheating, IMO. It really doesn't explain anything.

No! please stop this you are making yourself the fool. please reads the rest of the parts before writing anything more okay?
Ranma has NEVER felt comfortable as a boy. And after a while she forgot she really was a girl. Her father told her girls was stupid and weak and a lower being. He said she must be strong. Ranma got this every day. And he didn't want to be weak. so he behaved as a boy. Though like a boy. but emotionally he/she was dead.

##This doesn't work at all. Abused children almost always
cling to their abuser. Children who have been kidnapped by one
parent give loyalty to THAT parent and reject the other. Even
when one parent murders the other parent the children will
remain loyal to the parent who kills. You are painting much
too simple a picture of a very complex situation.  It's a reasonable
start but needs MUCH more detail. Things are happening much
too fast and in much too simplistic a fashion.

Ranma IS being loyal. She feels anger towards her father but she can only think of him as great. Yet in an analytic way she denies he has done anything wrong but thinks he has done something wrong anyway.
So it does work out.

1)Why not doubt?
2)IMO there has been nothing to "forcibly remove" doubts.
Some suggestive information, but certainly no proof.
Ranma's memories are important. However human memory
is very untrustworthy. And besides being a memory over a
decade old, something has been changing Ranma's body. Why not
his mind as wel.

There is the "connection" that you will read about later which will explain why Akane takes this as she does.

Akane pulled her knees up with her arms around them, rested her
head on them, and sighed. Was this the root of her attraction to
and repulsion from Ranma? Had she somehow been ready for a
red-haired girl to walk back into her life? The best friend who
had been stolen away? Was that why the idea of being engaged to
him seemed so uncomfortable? She thought of the handful of times
they had actually kissed. There had been the pleasure of sharing
something special with him, but there had always been that
discomfort... a discomfort that, she found, was now starting to
blossom into a feeling of true queasiness. Despite the schoolyard
taunts, Akane was not interested in girls, not that way, but her
feelings about Ranma had left her concerned about her own
sexuality; why had the idea of intimacy with him disturbed her so
much? Had she at some level been aware that Ranma was her
red-haired "bestest friend"? Could she now view him as anything
else?

##IMO you have not developed this enough to be
believable. One of the problems with writing fanfiction is
dealing with already established characters and situations.
This is a _radical_ departure from cannon. IMO such an abrupt
and drastic change in the relationship between Ranma and Akane
needs much more preparation than it has been given.  Quite frankly
this is so unbelievable as written it is uncomfortable to read. It CAN
work. There is nothing inherently impossible about the situation.
However you have Akane and Ranma accepting these changes
MUCH too readily. It's all happening too quickly and too smoothly.
Real life is not like this.  IMO you have gotten to this point in >about twenty one pages when, realistically, it should take at least >ALL of this chapter to get to this point.

Yes... BUt there was a CONNECTION that was reestablished the time Ranma and Her pandafather arrived at the Tendou home. This was taken in on an sub conscious level by Akane and filed away.
True you could use this whole chapter to establish that. But then There is a very big chance that you would KILL the story by dragging it out.

##??? Akane didn't even remember any of this. IMO this is very contrived
sounding. Again it could work. But you are rushing things too much.
Take your time and DEVELOP the story.

SUB CONSCIOUSNESS! YOU BAKA!

##Better. This is a reasonable line of thought.

You only say this Because you are one of those people that want Akane to Ranma's girlfriend no matter what. This is why you don't like they are changing Akane. This is Why you don't like Ranma accepting herself as a Girl. If you had your way this would turn out into a lesbian story you Hentai!

Ranma started to retort that she didn't need any help from a
klutz like Akane, but stopped, and thought. Usually she was the
one doing the helping; she relied on no one, hiding her feelings
from the world. But... this was not just another fight, where she
was in her element and knew she could win. All the martial arts
in the world were not going to help her with this. She had been
going around in circles in her mind, chasing her own tail.
Maybe... maybe it was time to open up, to share her feelings, to
have someone else... help.

##OK, where's the real Ranma and what have you done
with him . . .errr . . her. ^_*

Remember that this IS the real Ranma. RAnma is a GIRL in this story. And the reason why she is behaving like a jerk is explained cause she thinks every real emotion she has is wrong.
Besides that Ranma is such a Jerk is not true. You have read to many fanfics.. or relied to much on the dubbed version.

##Good. Helps show the "new" Ranma.
IMO this needs to be MUCH earlier in the story.
Or at least alluded to.  IMO you need a lengthy section with Ranma
showing how hard it is to be a man. Showing his doubts. Also showing
some of the doubts Akane has, her ambiguous feelings. That way there
won't be such an abrupt seeming change.

If you aver read the manga you know that Ranma is very.. well he is kinda a braggart. He is always taking being a man to the outmost reaches always defending it to madness. Why is he so afraid that people might think him a wuss? a girl? Surely he should be comfortable in his own manhood to be able to ignore what other people think. This can be partly explained that he is VERY stupid and his honor owns him.
But this story, as Deborah pointed out, Gives another reason to why he always would defend his manhood. Cause he sub consciously doubted itself. Cause never truly was comfortable. So you see how hard it is to be man the manga had already shown.

degree or another.  Changes this drastic make this, IMO, >an "alternate universe" story.

Really? when did you realise that this was an "alternative universe"? When you were told Ranma was REALLY a girl? when you were told Akane loved Ranma a s girlfriend? alternative universe? you don't say..

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